I don't really know what happened...

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to start....my head is in such a mess

Last night I did something I never thought I'd ever do. I cheated on my bf..i hate myself right now. I've already decided I will break up with him, he doesn't deserve this.
I don't even know what I'm looking for here, i guess I have to write this because I can't talk to ANYONE about it (you'll see why when you read what happened....)

Was out with mates and drank more than I've ever drank before. I'd often get a bit drunk, y'kno happy cheery kind of drunk but this was way worse..I proper blacked out, never happened to me before. I live far away so always have to stay in my friends house. Don't remember the last half an hour or so of the club or how we got back to hers. I remember throwing up in the bathroom, then going back into the room i sleep in. I don't really remember much, only flashes:

I'm getting changed and standing there in my bra and skirt, my friends older brother (27, i'm 19) walked in but quickly apologised and walked out. Then i'm lying in bed going to sleep and he comes back in and starts talking to me. Think i just started randomly chatting about stuff..he asked if i was drunk and i giggled and said yea fairly. All I have is a flash of him kissing me..i'm not gonna lie i remember kissing back. Don't know why the f*** i did..i don't fancy him, i've never even talked to him before?! Next thing I remember is telling him i wanted to sleep but I have no idea how long we were kissing before that or if anything else happened, he left then but he came back in again and started kissing and touching me. I told him again that i was going to sleep but I don't remember anything after that.. I just woke up this morning and all of a sudden these flashbacks went through my head.

I'm just so scared of what I don't remember?! My stomach has been in knots all day, and it's not the hangover. I can't talk to anyone because all my friends know my bf and it was my friends brother???!!! How could i do this to my bf?..i feel so sick

booksale

you were drunk and he took your advantage.

can i say you are raped (in case sex did happen) instead of cheating your bf??????

maybe your bf would understand that. maybe not. talk with him first.

LegacyUser

If everything you have said is how you remember it then I feel it is extremely important that you discuss this with your parents and boyfriend immediately. I do not wish to create alarm but this may be a bigger issue than you feeling that you have cheated on your boyfriend - you asked him to leave after kissing initially (and how this initial kiss happened is not clear) then he returned to your room and kissed and touched you, this may be construed as sexual assault and you need to talk to someone about this.

Please be strong about this and I really urge you to discuss this with your parents and boyfriend, they are there to help you and will be there for you.

PaddyInChelsea

I agree with Booksale-you were drunk and he took advantage of you.

We've all done stupid things when we've had too much to drink-things that we wouldn't dream of doing normally. It sounds to me that the bits you remember are the only things that happened. If ye'd had sex, I think that that would have been your first flash back. It's not my place to give out to you and I won't. My advice would be to learn from the experience, don't say anything to your boyfriend and move on. You sound like a good person who's made a mistake.

If you would never do it again, don't throw away what you have with your boyfriend.

And, if you can have a word with your friend's brother, let him know that you feel he took advantage of the situation, something which he shouldn't have done.

aidan24326

booksale wrote: »

can i say you are raped (in case sex did happen) instead of cheating your bf??????

What? :eek:

Rape is NOT a word to be thrown around lightly. You could destroy a guy's reputation with the mere mention of the word. She more than likely didn't even have sex with him, as she'd have some memory of it if she did (she remembers the kissing, touching etc).

Taking advantage of a girl who's drunk is not to be condoned by any means, if that's what actually happened, but in this case it doesn't sound like much really happened anyway.

OP, if it was just a silly bit of kissing and messing about, and something you genuinely have no intention of doing again, then you're best to forget about it. Put it down to experience and just be careful of what you're drinking and how much you're drinking in future. I think you are blowing this out of proportion tbh.

hollis12

aidan24326 wrote: »

What? :eek:

Rape is NOT a word to be thrown around lightly. You could destroy a guy's reputation with the mere mention of the word. She more than likely didn't even have sex with him, as she'd have some memory of it if she did (she remembers the kissing, touching etc).

Taking advantage of a girl who's drunk is not to be condoned by any means, if that's what actually happened, but in this case it doesn't sound like much really happened anyway.

OP, if it was just a silly bit of kissing and messing about, and something you genuinely have no intention of doing again, then you're best to forget about it. Put it down to experience and just be careful of what you're drinking and how much you're drinking in future. I think you are blowing this out of proportion tbh.

he certainly took advantage if you have a good relationship with your boyfriend he will understand, you did nothing wrong dont feel bad.

Danniboo

aidan24326 wrote: »

What? :eek:

Rape is NOT a word to be thrown around lightly. You could destroy a guy's reputation with the mere mention of the word. She more than likely didn't even have sex with him, as she'd have some memory of it if she did (she remembers the kissing, touching etc).

Taking advantage of a girl who's drunk is not to be condoned by any means, if that's what actually happened, but in this case it doesn't sound like much really happened anyway.

OP, if it was just a silly bit of kissing and messing about, and something you genuinely have no intention of doing again, then you're best to forget about it. Put it down to experience and just be careful of what you're drinking and how much you're drinking in future. I think you are blowing this out of proportion tbh.

+1 This is why real rape victims have such a hard time. How do we know this guy wasn't just as drunk as the OP when he kissed her. We don't even know if sex occurred. OP I wouldn't go shouting around and saying things like rape. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but you need to ease off on the drinking. There is scumbags out there waiting for young girls in this state. No one else is going to make sure you're sober enough to look after yourself.

LegacyUser

Right what ever happened will come to you in a day or two but for gods sake will you just go and get the morning after pill because you could get your answer as to whether ye had sex or not in 9 months time! whether you are on the pill or not go because of consuming so much alcohol and getting sick there is a high chance your not covered so just go and get it as a precausion.

The guy took advantage of you and i hope he is ashamed of himself this morning!

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Thank you for the replies.

No..i definitely don't want to go throwing around the word rape because like you have all said, I don't really know what happened. I may be throwing it out of proportion, but I just was freaked out when I wrote that post last night. I've calmed down a bit now and I've thought about it during the night (I'd been stopping myself doing it all day yesterday tbh) and I can't remember much else. I think I'll just try and forget about it. The more I think about it the more I realise that I completely had my guard down because i was in my friends house, in my fuzzy pj's feeling completely safe, and was never in a million years expecting anything like that to happen. Definitely never drinking that much again, first and last time. I'll think about it more and see whether to say something to the brother and my bf.

(Oh don't have to worry about the MAP, I get the depo injection anyway. But thanks!)

LegacyUser

Well sorry but this just being forgotten about like so many people seem to suggest is why people like that guy exist in the first place - I am a guy and I feel disgusted when I hear this sort of thing happening to girls, I have a gf, sisters and female cousins, if this ever happened to them that guy wouldn't be walking for a long time.

"Are you drunk?" - leaving after you asking him to then returning and touching you!? How is this being brushed under the carpet so easily!? If you're even considering letting it go, was the touching on non-sexual areas? Was it above clothes? Was he also drunk? If he placed his hands on sexual areas, under your clothes and was sober then this shouldn't even be considered to be hidden away.

At the very least your friend should be told and this guy confronted to make sure this doesn't happen again...

Liam Byrne

booksale wrote: »

can i say you are raped (in case sex did happen) instead of cheating your bf??????

Absolutely disgraceful post.

The OP was drunk, kissed him back, etc, and maybe he took advantage more than he should. Or maybe he didn't; maybe they were both drunk and both did something they shouldn't.

But it's definitely not rape for someone to chance their arm, and chance it a little more if someone reciprocates, and then leave when they say "no more".

And sorry, but to get drunk enough not to remember whether or not sex occurred is a ridiculous state for anyone to be in.

Nevyn

Liam Byrne wrote: »

And sorry, but to get drunk enough not to remember whether or not sex occurred is a ridiculous state for anyone to be in.

Yes it is and it means that she could not have consented to sex which means if he took advantage of her in that condition it was sexual assault or rape.

If someone is clearly the worse for wear with drink then you don't' have sex with them, you don't try it on to see how far you can get.

Liam Byrne

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is and it means that she could not have consented to sex which means if he took advantage of her in that condition it was sexual assault or rape.

If someone is clearly the worse for wear with drink then you don't' have sex with them, you don't try it on to see how far you can get.

I agree with the second part (and in actual fact couldn't even see any appeal in being with someone who is that plastered).

But we don't know - and she doesn't know - if they had sex or if she reciprocated.

So people throwing words around like "rape" or sexual assault is wrong.

From the description above, he tried it on, she consented to a certain amount, then said stop, he left.

If there's any proof of anything more that was non-consentual, then there'll be absolutely no argument from me as to what to call it.

But shouting rape when (a) she may have consented and can't remember and/or (b) it mightn't have happened is NOT ON.

Hopefully she just did fall asleep and is panicking over nothing, in which case she's learned her lesson when she says that she won't drink that much again.

Thaedydal

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is and it means that she could not have consented to sex which means if he took advantage of her in that condition it was sexual assault or rape.

If someone is clearly the worse for wear with drink then you don't' have sex with them, you don't try it on to see how far you can get.

Men get drunk too, you know. I've known many girls try it on with guys they liked when they were drunk - what's the difference? We don't know what happened because we weren't there but it's a hell of a jump to make.

aidan24326

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is and it means that she could not have consented to sex which means if he took advantage of her in that condition it was sexual assault or rape.

If someone is clearly the worse for wear with drink then you don't' have sex with them, you don't try it on to see how far you can get.

True, but the OP herself doesn't remeber if they even had sex, meaning they probably didn't. The guy was chancing his arm alright, and OP should maybe have a word with her friend about this. But beyond that there's no grounds for accusing the guy of assault here (and most certainly not rape). So I'd ease off on the exaggerated use of loaded words like 'rape'. She consented to the kiss and by the sound of things not a whole lot else happened, and it does a disservice to victims of real violent sexual assaults to be lumping something fairly inoccuous* like this into the same category.

* Again, I'm not saying it's fine to take advantage of a drunk girl, but the facts of this situation are way too sketchy and vague to ascertain what really happened at all. What this guy did sounds a bit dodgy for sure, definitely pushing his luck, but let's not be going Evening Herald on it.

Nevyn

Liam Byrne you seem to have missed the word if in my post.

[quote=[Deleted User];63725775]Men get drunk too, you know. I've known many girls try it on with guys they liked when they were drunk - what's the difference?[/QUOTE]

There isn't one, like I siad if a person is worse for wear with drink then you don't take advantage of them no matter what gender you are or they are.

"Pushing your luck" sorry that is wonderful way of saying to touch someone sexually in a way which they don't want, and what is touching someone sexually in a way they don't want, why we call that sexual assault.

feelsosick you need to take some time to think about what happened and go talk to the guy about what happened and see what he will tell you. Explain you were very drunk and everything is blurry and you are worried.

Kicks

Liam Byrne wrote: »

I agree with the second part (and in actual fact couldn't even see any appeal in being with someone who is that plastered).

But we don't know - and she doesn't know - if they had sex or if she reciprocated.

So people throwing words around like "rape" or sexual assault is wrong.

From the description above, he tried it on, she consented to a certain amount, then said stop, he left.

If there's any proof of anything more that was non-consentual, then there'll be absolutely no argument from me as to what to call it.

But shouting rape when (a) she may have consented and can't remember and/or (b) it mightn't have happened is NOT ON.

Hopefully she just did fall asleep and is panicking over nothing, in which case she's learned her lesson when she says that she won't drink that much again.

She came here looking for advice, people mentioned rape and sexual assault as things that MAY have happened to her which there is nothing wrong with, if you check again that person put question marks after the comment about rape...they did not say YOU HAVE BEEN RAPED. Those saying it is a word never to be thrown around are 100% correct, OP unless you can remember that you said no and he forced you to have sexual intercourse then he did not rape you, however if he returned and touched you sexually without your consent or you consented initially then asked him to stop and he continued then this is sexual assault.

The comment about her learning her lesson I think is vile - take your own advice and don't be throwing out needless comments - I am a male and to say this to someone who was inside her own friends house, somewhere that should be safe that she has now learned her lesson is a disgrace, she should be perfectly fine to drink and be safe where she was - I would say you have the typical attitude that if a crime happens it is the victims fault, noone should be learning any lessons like this ever - and noone "shouted" rape - she was drunk and someone may have attempted to take advantage of her...and your response is well there you go you shouldn't have been in that state is pointless and does nothing to help her in her current situation.

She said no, he left and then returned again...he was asked to leave once and came back, this is a blatant attempt to take advantage and you chastise her...and stating it was a ridiculous state for anyone to be in, well I just hope your perfect life continues my friend, I'm sure if we laid out some of your errors you might not be so quick to put her down.

OP, perhaps you need some time to remember what exactly happened, i think what it all comes down to is if anything happened WITHOUT your consent, if it did then depending on what it was this should not be forgotten about and your friends and family will be supportive.

Nevyn

Kicks wrote: »

OP unless you can remember that you said no and he forced you to have sexual intercourse then he did not rape you, however if he returned and touched you sexually without your consent or you consented initially then asked him to stop and he continued then this is sexual assault.

Not saying NO does not equal consent.
Rape does not always take phyical force there is very little force in raping a woman who is semiconscious due to excess alcohol.

Kicks wrote: »

She said no, he left and then returned again...he was asked to leave once and came back, this is a blatant attempt to take advantage

He was completely out of order with his behaviour, sounds like he was being very predatory.

Kicks wrote: »

OP, perhaps you need some time to remember what exactly happened, i think what it all comes down to is if anything happened WITHOUT your consent, if it did then depending on what it was this should not be forgotten about and your friends and family will be supportive.

OP the upset and guilt and blaming yourself is normal but that does not mean it was your fault, yes it was unwise to drink so much but you thought you were with friends who would respect you and not take advantage or behave in such a sickening manner.

Liam Byrne

Kicks wrote: »

She came here looking for advice, people mentioned rape and sexual assault as things that MAY have happened to her which there is nothing wrong with, if you check again that person put question marks after the comment about rape...they did not say YOU HAVE BEEN RAPED.

They said "can I say you were raped ???".

Kicks wrote: »

The comment about her learning her lesson I think is vile - take your own advice and don't be throwing out needless comments

Lovely! You give the above poster the "benefit of the doubt", and then when I refer to the OP's own comment as having learned her lesson - about not drinking too much, might I add - I get chastised about something being "vile" and "a disgrace" ?

The OP's OWN comment was :

feelsosick wrote: »

Definitely never drinking that much again, first and last time

THAT is what I was referring to. If (hopefully) nothing did happen, then at least the above lesson has been learned.

Apart from your ibjectionable high-horse reply, I do take your point that someone should be safer enough drinking to excess in a friend's house than in a strangers....you do have a point in there somewhere. However it is also true that drinking that much - to the point of blacking out - is dangerous in itself.

Kicks wrote: »

I would say you have the typical attitude that if a crime happens it is the victims fault

And you'd be 100% wrong. Stop making comments that are both off-topic and incorrect.

Kicks wrote: »

noone should be learning any lessons like this ever - and noone "shouted" rape - she was drunk and someone may have attempted to take advantage of her...and your response is well there you go you shouldn't have been in that state is pointless and does nothing to help her in her current situation.

Well, no-one should be in that state, and if you bothered to read my reply you would realise that I said "if we knew that something had happened that she hadn't consented to then I would have no hesitation in calling it assault".

In addition, if she hadn't been in that state (not being able to remember), she would be in a position to remember what actually happened and - if necessary - report a scumbag; as it is, he may get away with it (if it happened) because she can't remember.

Of course, in your rush to condemn me, you probably didn't bother reading what I said. Is there anything factually incorrect or objectionable with any of the above ?

Kicks wrote: »

well I just hope your perfect life continues my friend, I'm sure if we laid out some of your errors you might not be so quick to put her down.

Excuse me ??? You have absolutely no facts or basis on which to discuss what you perceive as "my perfect life" or "my errors", so you can't be "sure" of anything. Hell, we're not even sure if anything happened in this scenario, where we've been told about it, so you certainly can't comment on something that you know absolutely nothing about.....although that doesn't seem to stop you. :rolleyes:

Kicks wrote: »

what it all comes down to is if anything happened WITHOUT your consent, if it did then depending on what it was this should not be forgotten about and your friends and family will be supportive.

Finally, talking some sense! Absolutely agree 100% with that last bit (as I had already said but a fact which was completely ignored).

booksale

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Absolutely disgraceful post.

I dont understand why this is a disgraceful suggestion.

If sex did happen without OP's consent, I cant see why this is not rape?

Of course, if OP did not think she is raped, she is not raped. It's also up to the person as well.

If it were me, I would call it drunk rape (again if sex did happen) or drunk sexual assult (if sexual intercourse did not take place). But whether to report it to the police or just learn from it is another matter.

Ireland is a drinking country and this happens every day. But it would not make that easier for the guys/gals in similar/same situation to swallow.

I imagine it is very shocking for OP no matter how she called this.

Kicks

Liam Byrne wrote: »

They said "can I say you were raped ???".

Lovely! You give the above poster the "benefit of the doubt", and then when I refer to the OP's own comment as having learned her lesson - about not drinking too much, might I add - I get chastised about something being "vile" and "a disgrace" ?

The OP's OWN comment was :

THAT is what I was referring to. If (hopefully) nothing did happen, then at least the above lesson has been learned.

Apart from your ibjectionable high-horse reply, I do take your point that someone should be safer enough drinking to excess in a friend's house than in a strangers....you do have a point in there somewhere. However it is also true that drinking that much - to the point of blacking out - is dangerous in itself.

And you'd be 100% wrong. Stop making comments that are both off-topic and incorrect.

Well, no-one should be in that state, and if you bothered to read my reply you would realise that I said "if we knew that something had happened that she hadn't consented to then I would have no hesitation in calling it assault".

In addition, if she hadn't been in that state (not being able to remember), she would be in a position to remember what actually happened and - if necessary - report a scumbag; as it is, he may get away with it (if it happened) because she can't remember.

Of course, in your rush to condemn me, you probably didn't bother reading what I said. Is there anything factually incorrect or objectionable with any of the above ?

Excuse me ??? You have absolutely no facts or basis on which to discuss what you perceive as "my perfect life" or "my errors", so you can't be "sure" of anything. Hell, we're not even sure if anything happened in this scenario, where we've been told about it, so you certainly can't comment on something that you know absolutely nothing about.....although that doesn't seem to stop you. :rolleyes:

Finally, talking some sense! Absolutely agree 100% with that last bit (as I had already said but a fact which was completely ignored).

No idea how to do the specific quotes...

I don't understand your response about the question marks to my first point - you seemed to just back me up, they didn't say she was, they asked was she. You stated this was a disgraceful post...how it is I still cannot see.

My interpretation of your response was that you were on the high horse preaching to her about her actions with drink - my comments after that were directed to you appearing to preach to her about her behaviour and since i was incorrect, I apologise. I have first hand experience with someone who went through worse and came up against nothing but people telling her it was her own fault that she shouldn't be drinking, these comments were of no help other than to make her feel worse, guilty and responsible - it appeared you were doing likewise, since you were not I take them back. I wished to defend someone against being blamed for this situation because of alcohol - she had no control over his decision to come to the room twice and OP I hope you in no way blame yourself for this. There are specifics about what you say I still disagree with but this is about her and not disagreements between our opinions so I wish to take this no further in this post.

Thaedydal, thank you for pointing that out, my explanation did make it sound as if she just lay there it was not rape, you are correct on this, just because you did not tell him to stop doesn't mean it was consenual.

OP, take some time to think about what you can remember, this might seem daft but if you can return to the room it might help you jog back some memories.

Look one fact is that he returned to the room twice, you have never talked to him before so this does appear predatory behaviour - this may not be the first time he has done this and someone else kept quite about it...if they hadn't then this wouldn't have happened to you - this is completely hypothetical though and he may never have tried anything like this before.

My GF has told me that you would really know yourself the next day whether you had penetrative sex or not and that she would confront him about it. It's always your choice but if you were my GF I'd want to know too, talking to someone also might help to jog back memories even if it is just a friend.

I hope whatever you decide, you feel ok about it all.

Liam Byrne

Kicks wrote: »

I don't understand your response about the question marks to my first point - you seemed to just back me up, they didn't say she was, they asked was she. You stated this was a disgraceful post...how it is I still cannot see.

The full text that I objected to was

can i say you are raped (in case sex did happen) instead of cheating your bf??????

maybe your bf would understand that

On first reading, it appeared to be a "get-out" clause in terms of explaining what happened to the boyfriend. Reading it again, maybe it wasn't intended as such, and since you were good enough to apologise for misreading what I meant, maybe I should do likewise if the above is the wrong interpretation.

Having said that, even using the word without knowing all the facts was, in my opinion, irresponsible. What if - say - she agreed but can't remember agreeing ?

So there are lots of possible factors in this, and they're difficult to list in a "helpful" or sufficiently "generic" way without either sounding like I'm either (a) criticising/blaming the OP or (b) scaring the crap out of her......I don't mean to do either (how could I, without knowing exactly what happened) and they're only relevant because the word "rape" was used, and not particularly based on the OP's issue itself.

Look, I certainly would - in general - question anyone who used alcohol as an excuse for stuff, because it's a cop-out.

But there are a few extras in this scenario which would - as you correctly point out - mean that if anything non-consensual did happen it would be far too extreme an outcome to be based on any stupidity in getting that drunk.

If something did happen that she didn't agree to, then the guy deserves at the very least a serious talking-to and caution; as you said, it was in what should have been a "safe" environment (without negating what I said earlier about getting drunk to the point of blacking out being a bad idea in itself).

Likewise, as Thaedydal pointed out, there's a limit to what "chancing your arm" before being told "no" can excuse, and similarly how drunk the guy was wouldn't excuse that.

Just to be clear; if anything did happen (and hopefully the OP will be able to clear their head enough to remember - either to put her mind at rest or to take it further if required) I am by no means trivialising it.

All I am saying is that we don't know the full circumstances and throwing words like that around is irresponsible and also possibly scaring the OP further - hopefully unnecessarily.

OP - hope your memories come back so that you can sort this out based on the actual events.

Kicks

Liam Byrne wrote: »

The full text that I objected to was

On first reading, it appeared to be a "get-out" clause in terms of explaining what happened to the boyfriend. Reading it again, maybe it wasn't intended as such, and since you were good enough to apologise for misreading what I meant, maybe I should do likewise if the above is the wrong interpretation.

Having said that, even using the word without knowing all the facts was, in my opinion, irresponsible. What if - say - she agreed but can't remember agreeing ?

So there are lots of possible factors in this, and they're difficult to list in a "helpful" or sufficiently "generic" way without either sounding like I'm either (a) criticising/blaming the OP or (b) scaring the crap out of her......I don't mean to do either (how could I, without knowing exactly what happened) and they're only relevant because the word "rape" was used, and not particularly based on the OP's issue itself.

Look, I certainly would - in general - question anyone who used alcohol as an excuse for stuff, because it's a cop-out.

But there are a few extras in this scenario which would - as you correctly point out - mean that if anything non-consensual did happen it would be far too extreme an outcome to be based on any stupidity in getting that drunk.

If something did happen that she didn't agree to, then the guy deserves at the very least a serious talking-to and caution; as you said, it was in what should have been a "safe" environment (without negating what I said earlier about getting drunk to the point of blacking out being a bad idea in itself).

Likewise, as Thaedydal pointed out, there's a limit to what "chancing your arm" before being told "no" can excuse, and similarly how drunk the guy was wouldn't excuse that.

Just to be clear; if anything did happen (and hopefully the OP will be able to clear their head enough to remember - either to put her mind at rest or to take it further if required) I am by no means trivialising it.

All I am saying is that we don't know the full circumstances and throwing words like that around is irresponsible and also possibly scaring the OP further - hopefully unnecessarily.

OP - hope your memories come back so that you can sort this out based on the actual events.

Very well said, there are many details we don't know and it's a very good point that someone may be scared to hear such words. I hope things become clearer for you OP in the next few days.

St James

I'm in the minority of one, but here goes.

OP - What happened was wrong. He should not have done what he did.

However, I'd suggest that you say NOTHING to BF and if he ever hears anything from your 'abuser' and I use that word carefully as your trust at the least was abused, then DENY DENY DENY.

If you want BF, do not tell him. You will end up losing him and possibly setting him against the other chap, who if it was me, I would kill.

Jack B. Badd

Kicks wrote: »

The comment about her learning her lesson I think is vile - take your own advice and don't be throwing out needless comments

I'm a woman & I don't see what's vile about it. Assault (or any crime) is not the victim's fault regardless of their state of inebriation but there is such a thing as common sense. It would be wonderful to live in a world where it doesn't happen but that isn't the world we live in & it should be apparent that women are more at risk of sexual assault than men especially if they drink to the point of blacking out - in the same way that men are more at risk of the accusation of rape if they aren't careful to confirm the other party's consent before having sex with them & just "chance their arm" with someone who is drunk.

OP, regardless of what you decide with regards to your relationship with your bf, please learn from this experience. Drinking to the extent that you black out is dangerous - if nothing else than you might find yourself again doing something like this that you would never do sober. I know I'd be heartbroken to wake up one morning to find that I had kissed someone other than my bf.

booksale

Liam Byrne wrote: »

The full text that I objected to was



Having said that, even using the word without knowing all the facts was, in my opinion, irresponsible. What if - say - she agreed but can't remember agreeing ?

So there are lots of possible factors in this, and they're difficult to list in a "helpful" or sufficiently "generic" way without either sounding like I'm either (a) criticising/blaming the OP or (b) scaring the crap out of her......I don't mean to do either (how could I, without knowing exactly what happened) and they're only relevant because the word "rape" was used, and not particularly based on the OP's issue itself.

Well, I did not intend to scare OP.

But I felt strange as OP seemed to just blaming herself for 'cheating' instead of angry or hurt as being taken advantage.

I used ?? to make my suggestion lighter because I awared that 'rape' is a strong word. Plus I am from a different place so I was not sure about things here in Ireland.

But I would like OP knows that she has the right to call it 'rape' (in case if sex happened without her consent) as OP showed no awareness about this.

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is and it means that she could not have consented to sex which means if he took advantage of her in that condition it was sexual assault or rape.

If someone is clearly the worse for wear with drink then you don't' have sex with them, you don't try it on to see how far you can get.

+1 and get the morning after pill

Honestly OP you were drunk and dont know what happened. The likelyhood is nothing as you would not automatically be compliant.That said you inhibitions were probably haywire.

No rash reactions like confessions to parents and or splitting up with your boyfriend but you do need to talk to someone.

Drink was a factor so know your limits - a hard lesson learnt and you should have been able to trust your friends brother.

You will feel awful for a while because of the hangover. Guilt and shame wont kill ya though.