Wife quotes other people

LegacyUser

Having a tiff with the wife, things were getting out of hand so she starts saying things that other people have said about me so I rang these people up in front of my wife and asked them.. They said they never said anything and I believe them.

She is saying that I shouldn't have called her friends and family about our issues, but my argument is she shouldn't miss-quote people who I know to win her arguements or make me feel like S**T..

Nevyn

They could well have said those things but would not repeat them to you when you rind them in a confrontationally manner when in an arguement with you wife.

It sounds like you don't listen to her about her concerns so she is proping up her case by telling you it's not just her.

If you are being bad about what is being said take some time to consider and reflect and see if there is any truth in it and see where she is coming from and if she is utterly wrong then dismiss it.

It really sounds like you both have issues to work on.

kenbrady

The communication between the two of you is very bad.

Now maybe she is blue in the face telling you things and you don't listen. That could be why she told tales about other people. I have no respect for people who go around telling tales about what other people said. It shows that don't have enough confidence to stand over their argument and make a point. She was way out of line doing that.

But you, calling her friends and family is madness. You have embarrassed her and made yourself look nuts. You are guilt of the same thing. Not having the confidence to back up your own argument. You needed to call these people to back you up, proving she was wrong.

You are both guilty of the same crime, poor communication of issues/points of view and bringing other people into your relationship to make a point.

There needs to be apologies on both sides and then the issues that caused the problems need to be discussed between the two of you.

LegacyUser

In fairness I think the OP wasn't totally out of line ringing these people up. Why was the wife allowing these people say these things to her about her husband in the first place? If they were having problems she should have spoken to the husband about it full stop and not go around talking to relatives and friends. It's childish and borders on bullying imo

star-pants

DontThreadonME wrote: »

Having a tiff with the wife, things were getting out of hand so she starts saying things that other people have said about me so I rang these people up in front of my wife and asked them.. They said they never said anything and I believe them.

That's a problem right there. You believe others over your wife.
She says something and you ring up to check if it's true and then immediately believe the bewildered person on the other end.

Clearly trust is an issue.
You and your wife need to talk things out. If she has been talking to friends and relatives about yer relationship issues that's a little unfair on you (Because it's you she needs to talk to) and it's a sign that something needs fixing.

LegacyUser

Sorry, but you are ringing her friends and family because she is trying to get some sort of point across to you and has to try other ways of getting you to see the real issue, whatever the problem is.

It seems to me that you are being very sneaky here and trying to isolate her by phoning her nearest & dearest to embaress her. That is mental torture for any man or woman.

I feel sorry for your wife, she must be very unhappy. Does she ring your family & friends when you say things to her?.

LegacyUser

No because I dont bring other people into our arguments apart from this one time, she does it all of the time.. and I just wanted to confront them in front of her, so I think I was being open here and she was being sneaky by involving her family and friends behind my back.

How Strange

DontThreadonME wrote: »

No because I dont bring other people into our arguments apart from this one time, she does it all of the time.. and I just wanted to confront them in front of her, so I think I was being open here and she was being sneaky by involving her family and friends behind my back.

Sorry OP but there's bad behaviour on both sides here and two wrongs certainly don't make a right.

I think rather than trying to justify what you did when you rang your friends, which imo was bang out of order and embarrassing for you and your wife as it really is washing your linen in public, you need to look at how you two communicate with each other.

Her behaviour may be unacceptable to you but your reaction was definitely out of order. If you were my friends I'd be giving you a wide berth and definitely not getting dragged into conversations which could result in weird phone calls a few weeks later.

CDfm

I read something about this once and its a technique, sort of like an expert witness, to give credibility to what the person is saying and it can be baseless or a misquote.

Now I would say a few things -one being that your wife has no right to discuss your private life elsewhere without your permission and its compromises the intimacy and trust in your relationship.

I would be tempted to call her bluff and next time she quotes someone say lets invite ex over right now.

Explain to her that any opinion the other person says is based on the biased version she has given and not facts.

Toots

Well I can imagine your wife won't be quoting other people in arguments again, so perhaps that's a plus, but you should be aware that you probably now look like a bit of a psycho to whoever you called. You're both in the wrong here, while some people would discuss their relationship with a close family member or friend, it sounds to me like she's been talking about you to quite a few people, which is a bit out of line IMO.

However, maybe she's having some sort of problem that she needs to talk about but is having a hard time getting you to listen. Seems to me like there's probably a communication problem somewhere in your relationship. If you're unhappy with your wife discussing your relationship with others and then throwing it inyour face during arguments, sit her down and calmly explain how it makes you feel and ask her to stop. Acting like a child and humiliating her is not the way to solve things.

Kimia

You sound kinda scary OP. What do you mean it was getting out of hand?

Maybe she knows you won't listen to her so she feels like she has to give you someone elses opinion just to give you an objective view?

It sounds very agressive ringing up her friends in the middle of a fight demanding to know what they said about you -= what are you 12?

Work on that anger. If I was your wife I would be seriously considering leaving you, and if I was one of her friends I would be very concerned for her wellbeing.

Who rings people up demanding to know what they said about them?

carolmon

CDfm wrote: »

your wife has no right to discuss your private life elsewhere without your permission and its compromises the intimacy and trust in your relationship.

QUOTE]

it's her private life too if there are problems in their relationship.....

OP I think what you did was way out of line, I'd be really pissed off if my partner did that to me, you'll end up alienating everybody cos nobody wants to be in the middle of a warring couple, that's a no win situation.

Talk to your wife and if you need to bring in an outsider make it a professional counsellor.

martdalto

OP, you were wrong, wrong, wrong.

Wrong.

If someone rang me in the middle of an argument with someone else, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it. You said she misquoted people... did she misquote them, or did he make the quotes up? They may have said that you were very stubborn, she may have misquoted and said that they thought you were as pigheaded as she thinks.. same thing, different word!

Don't drag other people into your problems.. Do you know that forever more those people that you rang are going to look at you (both) like you're a little crazy, and be very wary of saying anything to either of you now.

As someone else mentioned, of course she is entitled to discuss her relationship with someone else! We are getting a very one sided half story from OP, and people are condemning the wife for speaking to others?

I'm guessing she has to speak to other because OP is so bullheaded, she can't ever get much satisfaction from speaking to him - and maybe she DOES need an outside opinion to tell her that she is not ALWAYS wrong. It could be a confidence thing on her part - or it could be on overbearing husband, never willing to admit that he may also have a part to play in some of their troubles.

OP - how bad is this? How many people does she talk to? Why do you think she feels the need to talk to these people about your relationship? Why do you think she is not comfortable talking to you and trying to sort it out between you? Do you ever listen to her concerns? Do you ever seriously think thatyou may have done something to upset her, or do you just think she's being over dramatic and getting upset over nothing?

You may think you've done nothing really terrible on her.. but if she's upset, she's upset. That's how she feels, and she can't be wrong to feel something? I think it's time to look at yourself, look at your relationship, and look at how you see your wife..

Maybe it's time to have a professional have a look at it all for you, and help you (pl) to sort it out.

EDIT: Meant to say she was also wrong for bringing others into it.. she wasn't wrong for speaking to someone else, if that's what she needs to do.. but she was wrong to bring that back to you.

But you're wrong is greater than her wrong.

CDfm

carolmon wrote: »

it's her private life too if there are problems in their relationship.....

i think there is a huge difference in that the wife turns around with a "CD Carolman says you are a lazy goodfornothing and lazy and that we can afford me to take holidays " and wife discussing problems privately with a supportive friend.

What the OP did was OTT but what the wife did was equally bad or worse in that she used her friend as a persuasive argument that the OP was in the wrong. So the basis for her arguments being reasonable were " Well Carolmon says".

Of course, Carolmon may not have said such a thing at all and may be trotted out as an authority on everything from household budgeting to kinky sex.

thats the way I'm looking at it and that the OP thinks that Carolman has never said such things at all. The reason the tactic is unfair is that it makes the OP feel useless.Of course, you cant challenge Carolman as she is never around when these things are said.

So yes -the OP was OTT but also the wife has been very unfair using her friends to justify her assertions. Bluff well called but some relationship councelling would not go amiss.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

i think there is a huge difference in that the wife turns around with a "CD Carolman says you are a lazy goodfornothing and lazy and that we can afford me to take holidays " and wife discussing problems privately with a supportive friend.

What the OP did was OTT but what the wife did was equally bad or worse in that she used her friend as a persuasive argument that the OP was in the wrong. So the basis for her arguments being reasonable were " Well Carolmon says".

Of course, Carolmon may not have said such a thing at all and may be trotted out as an authority on everything from household budgeting to kinky sex.

thats the way I'm looking at it and that the OP thinks that Carolman has never said such things at all. The reason the tactic is unfair is that it makes the OP feel useless.Of course, you cant challenge Carolman as she is never around when these things are said.

So yes -the OP was OTT but also the wife has been very unfair using her friends to justify her assertions. Bluff well called but some relationship councelling would not go amiss.

+1 on this.

I can't believe some of the posters here making out that the wife is the victim here. Remember the OP was angry because the wife was belittling him by saying her friends etc were on her side. There is no way you can resolve an argument in a relationship if one partner keeps saying " I feel this way and you must be wrong cos my brother, my auntie, my best friend agree with me. How pathetic! Grow up woman. I would hate to be married to somebody who behaved like that.

Sounds like the OP flipped and rang the friends. Yes, its embarrassing for both parties but it's even more humiliating for the OP that his wife goes around talking about their personal and private problems so much. OP obviously doesn't want his marital problems discussed like a soap opera ( and he doesn't get to give his side of the story) and that's fair enough.

One poster above even claimed she'd leave him for this!! Whats with the drama??

Their problems are their business and nobody else's. If the wife doesn't want other people involved she shouldn't be bringing them into it.

I can completely understand why the OP was peed off and decided to do that at the time.

Just hope your wife realises she was out of line OP

deisemum

OP if I was one of your wife's friends or family I'd be very worried about her welfare especially if she'd discussed her problems between ye with me and then if you phoned me up demanding if it was true then that would only convince me all the more that what she'd said about you was true.

Rightly or wrongly you've just put yourself in a very negative light with her friends and family and their sympathy will now be with your wife and they'll always remember that and as someone else posted they'll be very wary of ye especially of you.

TBH I think most people would deny having said anything or claim what they said was misquoted and taken out of context if they were caught on the hop if some hot head phoned them in the middle of an argument especially if it had gotten out of hand demanding the truth they're going to remove themselves from the line of fire as much as they possibly can.

I've been witness to a couple repeatedly bad mouth someone in the extended family (rightly so in this case) and when someone else who had the same opinion as the couple said it and the couple were confronted about it they denied it completely even though they knew they were lying and knew that others who'd repeatedly witnessed them bad mouthing the person also knew they were lying.

I think some relationship counselling wouldn't go amiss.

martdalto

We don't know how many "people" she confided in.. OP isn't too clear on that. He also said she misquoted - not she made something up.

My guess is: She is having a hard time at the moment with OP. They are both going through an extended bad patch (it happens in most relationships). She has gone and confided in someone (or a couple of close people). She has said something like - "he's so unreasonable, I just can't get though to him, he's never wrong".. the other "people" have said "yeah, I know what you mean"... the wife in the heat of an arguement, said "Well [Mary] thinks you're a stubborn b*st*rd too". OP, goes and rings [Mary], and [Mary] stutters on the other end of the phone.. "Well no, that's not what I said"... OP's wife is wrong, and OP has once again proven that he is the master of the argument, and she will never better him in a row!

She has a right to confided her problems with someone other than her husband. He clearly doesn't listen to her, and if she didn't have someone else to talk to, she would spend her time sitting at home crying, afraid of saying anything to anyone, and not sure of whether she is always wrong or not....

OP - listen to your wife sometimes. You may be right alot of the time, but it's impossible for her to ALWAYS be wrong!!!

CDfm

deisemum wrote: »

OP if I was one of your wife's friends or family I'd be very worried about her welfare especially if she'd discussed her problems between ye with me and then if you phoned me up demanding if it was true then that would only convince me all the more that what she'd said about you was true.

I think some relationship counselling wouldn't go amiss.

Funnily enough I see it from the other side and it seems to me that the OP while OTT is less of the problem. I think he snapped given provocation.

Whether her criticisms are justified is another matter. She has used others to manipulate or criticise the OP and thrown what she claims they say at him as a kind of threat or bullying by proxy. A call to a helpline like www.amen.ie would not go amiss.

I would find it a total headwreck. Could you imagine a man down at the pub natering like this and coming back saying "well Mikey the postman says this" with the same authority. He would need his head examined and same here.

Nevyn

As ever there is his side, her side and the truth.

We don't know the circumstances, but communiction between the two of you is not good and is something you should work on.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Funnily enough I see it from the other side and it seems to me that the OP while OTT is less of the problem. I think he snapped given provocation.

Whether her criticisms are justified is another matter. She has used others to manipulate or criticise the OP and thrown what she claims they say at him as a kind of threat or bullying by proxy. A call to a helpline like www.amen.ie would not go amiss.

I would find it a total headwreck. Could you imagine a man down at the pub natering like this and coming back saying "well Mikey the postman says this" with the same authority. He would need his head examined and same here.

I would disagree with what you have said there, also disagree with anyone thinking the OP was okay to do what he did. If your wife was my sister I would be knocking at the door checking on her. I agree with other posters who would be concerned for the OP's wifes wellbeing.
She is obviously at her wits end and very upset and confided in her own mother and probably best friend by the sounds of things, it's not a "down the pub washing her dirty linen in public" scenario. She needed to talk to someone else probably to check that she is not mad (usually the reason someone needs to talk), the OP probably tells her that all the time. Then when she tries to get him to see reason by revealing she told her mother/father or best friend, he rings them like some sort of agressor and has now isolated her from opening up to anyone now in fear of him doing this again.
I really am concerned for this woman.

DubLass

My ex did this on me when we split up, i told him I felt there were times that he had belittled me in front of his family, he spoke to them about it, pointed out the occasions I was referring to ( remember these were my feelings) and they told him no it never happened! Unforgiveable.

username123

Sounds like OPs wife felt he wasnt paying heed to what she had to say so trotted out a few 'they think the same way as well' to try to MAKE him listen. Not a very mature way to handle an argument but it happens.

However, for OP to then pick up his phone and call these people in front of his wife sounds like the behaviour of a lunatic. I know if a friends husband phoned me out of the blue, during an argument and said that my friend said Id said whatever it was (and I had), Id deny the conversation to protect my friend - because a husband who would call me like that would seriously frighten me, and cause me to worry about what he might do to my friend if I admitted we'd been talking about him at all.

So bad behaviour on both sides, but scarier behaviour from the OP tbh, very controlling to be phoning people like that, putting them on the spot, and all to the end of embarrassing the wife, Im sure any of the people who received those calls must view him as slightly scary/crazy now.

The Sweeper

martdalto wrote: »

OP, you were wrong, wrong, wrong.

Wrong.

If someone rang me in the middle of an argument with someone else, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it.

OP, for the record, pay very close attention to this bit of this post.

Someone who's quite involved in my life at the moment does this and does what you say your wife does. The first thing she'll do is tell you someone else said XYZ if she's trying to win an argument, as though the weight of evidence from numerous sources will cause you to crumble and submit to her point of view.

The second thing is she'll phone in the middle of arguing with someone else, and say 'Suchandsuch says you said XYZ about me, did you say that? Is it true that you think that?'

The upshot: I think she's a crazyperson and have very limited time for her. I also think she's an emotionally manipulative person and am very wary of that aspect of her.

So if you're trying to get people to think the above two things about you, then congratulations, you succeeded.

Chinafoot

CDfm wrote: »

i think there is a huge difference in that the wife turns around with a "CD Carolman says you are a lazy goodfornothing and lazy and that we can afford me to take holidays " and wife discussing problems privately with a supportive friend.

Where in his two posts did the OP say what his wife said? Also "we can afford me to take holidays..." Quelle surprise...:rolleyes:

Look, for all any of us know his wife might have been trying to address an issue, he wasn't listening to her and she said "Jane/Bob/Whoever agrees with me". Maybe Jane/Bob/Whoever is a close personal friend that she confides in?

While she shouldnt have dragged another persons opinion into it, he most certainly shouldn't have phoned anyone. Of course they denied it. Nobody wants to get involved in another couples bull and if one of the couple rings you up, possibly in an aggressive manner, you're hardly going to fess up to what you said or agreed with.

Both of them were in the wrong and both of them need to learn to listen to each other and communicate properly.

opinion guy

Hmmm

Op your post reads like a bit of a rant. And thats ok - we all need to let off a bit of steam, but I'm not actually sure what your issue is ? What I mean to say is - what exactly are you asking us ?