Finding it tough at Christmas

LegacyUser

Does anyone go through the same feeling as this. I went through a breakup about 5 months from a guy i was with for a year. It might not sound like a long time but we had that something together ( or so i thought) We had been in Australia together on holiday during the summer time and broke up when we got home. It was really tough as he kind of messed my head around telling me he saw us moving in together, getting engaged and all the usual and then after alot of to'ing and fro'ing he just cut off completely. this is a guy who told me that he has walked away from every relationship hes been in and told me he didnt want to let it happen with me and he did and i really havent heard much from him at all since like july. The reason for my head being so fecked up is cos of all the things he told me he wanted for us and how great i was etc etc even as he was breaking up with me.
Obviously I know that it clearly meant he didnt love me in the first place if he cut off so easily but for some reason i just cannot seam to let go of my feelings for him.

I am getting myself out there and going on dates with other guys i meet but my heart really just isnt in it. I have a great social life but i think about this person everyday and it kills me that he could walk away so easily.
I never got a full explanation for why he did what he did and i guess in that way im craving the whole closure thing and the fact that i wasnt worth giving that to has just broken my heart as i really gave alot to that relationship and i am still in love with him despite all that happened. Is that a bad way to be?
I know that its a long time to be still grieving as such but i feel like this person has taken away my ability to trust in other men and my ability to believe that perhaps i will meet someone else that will make me feel the same way...messed up i know

LegacyUser

toughbreak wrote: »

Does anyone go through the same feeling as this. I went through a breakup about 5 months from a guy i was with for a year. It might not sound like a long time but we had that something together ( or so i thought) We had been in Australia together on holiday during the summer time and broke up when we got home. It was really tough as he kind of messed my head around telling me he saw us moving in together, getting engaged and all the usual and then after alot of to'ing and fro'ing he just cut off completely. this is a guy who told me that he has walked away from every relationship hes been in and told me he didnt want to let it happen with me and he did and i really havent heard much from him at all since like july. The reason for my head being so fecked up is cos of all the things he told me he wanted for us and how great i was etc etc even as he was breaking up with me.
Obviously I know that it clearly meant he didnt love me in the first place if he cut off so easily but for some reason i just cannot seam to let go of my feelings for him.

I am getting myself out there and going on dates with other guys i meet but my heart really just isnt in it. I have a great social life but i think about this person everyday and it kills me that he could walk away so easily.
I never got a full explanation for why he did what he did and i guess in that way im craving the whole closure thing and the fact that i wasnt worth giving that to has just broken my heart as i really gave alot to that relationship and i am still in love with him despite all that happened. Is that a bad way to be?
I know that its a long time to be still grieving as such but i feel like this person has taken away my ability to trust in other men and my ability to believe that perhaps i will meet someone else that will make me feel the same way...messed up i know

that guy sounds like me, i grew up in a rough household to say the least were eventually i got to the point were i could shut out feelings in relationships i also walked away from relationships and got bored quickly, like my last girlfriend for example i told her i liked her and she made me happy which she did but i acted wild and messed up the realtionship to the point were she shut off.

but thats me the day we split i set about erasing all feelings for that girl and am thinking of cutting her out of my life, this might sound cruel but was born out of a a deep hurt earlier in life, my point is though i did love my last girlfriend very much so but when we ended i COULDNT have feelings for her it would kill me so i try to bury them mabye thats why he does it.

LegacyUser

Hey ya,
I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I dont know. I know that he doesnt really get on with his mother. his sister are alot older then him and i think when he came along his mother didnt really have alot of time for him really - he used to always tell me he never got on with her etc and basically spent most of his time with his father.
he moved out young when he went to college and then moved up to dublin and was at one living out of his van.. what i never understood was that his parents let him do that.
From the out set everybody thinks hes a great guy and that hes so nice and so this and so that.. there was always a quiteness about him that i never fully understood but truth is i fell in love with this guy.. there were so many things about him that confused me but also there were so many things that made me fall in love with him.

what i dont understand is if a person is troubled to this point why do they let people get so close to them and then cut them off completely and ruin the person they were with's confidence and make them question if they are worth being with someone nice.

I dont know how i am going to trust in anyone again as im so afraid that the same thing is going to happen all over again.

sounds familiar wrote: »

that guy sounds like me, i grew up in a rough household to say the least were eventually i got to the point were i could shut out feelings in relationships i also walked away from relationships and got bored quickly, like my last girlfriend for example i told her i liked her and she made me happy which she did but i acted wild and messed up the realtionship to the point were she shut off.

but thats me the day we split i set about erasing all feelings for that girl and am thinking of cutting her out of my life, this might sound cruel but was born out of a a deep hurt earlier in life, my point is though i did love my last girlfriend very much so but when we ended i COULDNT have feelings for her it would kill me so i try to bury them mabye thats why he does it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sadly it doesn't sound strange at all but all too familiar.
Break ups can really wreck peoples heads. Especially the ones left behind. Your head is still messed up five months after a one year relationship? Damn. For me it's been five months since the end of a 9 year relationship. It was a long time and frankly I'm not really sorry the relationship is over. Guess I have more tortuous months ahead. What I can't get rid of is incredible feelings of hurt, of torturing myself about how my ex could have walked away so easily, much like you said yourself.
I dont have a magic solution OP. I sure wish I did because I hate feeling this way, hate that my ex can still have this power over me by causing these intense feelings, when I'm pretty sure they've moved on without a care. I've tried to ignore the feelings, bury them, erase them but they refuse to be gone.
Best of luck to you OP. I hope you find your way through this bad time and come to some reconciliation with how things are.

LegacyUser

toughbreak wrote: »

Hey ya,
I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I dont know. I know that he doesnt really get on with his mother. his sister are alot older then him and i think when he came along his mother didnt really have alot of time for him really - he used to always tell me he never got on with her etc and basically spent most of his time with his father.
he moved out young when he went to college and then moved up to dublin and was at one living out of his van.. what i never understood was that his parents let him do that.
From the out set everybody thinks hes a great guy and that hes so nice and so this and so that.. there was always a quiteness about him that i never fully understood but truth is i fell in love with this guy.. there were so many things about him that confused me but also there were so many things that made me fall in love with him.

what i dont understand is if a person is troubled to this point why do they let people get so close to them and then cut them off completely and ruin the person they were with's confidence and make them question if they are worth being with someone nice.

I dont know how i am going to trust in anyone again as im so afraid that the same thing is going to happen all over again.

well there you go i never got on with my father and too say he didnt treat me well would win the understatement of the year awards, understand his mother might have let him do this because they might not have loved him only there selves sad but true, and he seemed clever enough to realize that, when i was younger i was quiet now the opposite is true im the loudest person in the room, but sometimes our early experiences shape how we react in relationships it sounds like he was pushing you away so he wouldn't get hurt.

ill put it like this if hes like me the one person who was supposed to love us in our life didnt think how that would affect us when it came to trusting people other than ourselves the only people we could rely on.

that simplifies it as i have went trough the healing process and am a much better person, with a great exciting job and who was no problems opening up to people and talking to them, if he gets back in touch with you try to understand him better, have you thought about contacting him?

LegacyUser

god i wrote a reply hit something and it disappeared so if the same kinda thing shows up twice my appologies!
callop - thanks for your message on this - 9 years is a long time and it must be really hard. I know a year and i feel this way after 5 months... i cannot explain it. I love him.. i was in love with him and i still am. He broke my heart.. after a year it might sound pathetic i guess but i guess its hard to explain what we had together at the time. i mean we spoke about living together - looked at a place together, travelled to oz together, he told e a few months ago at my sisters engagement party that he wanted the same thing for us and saw us going the same way. I guess when someone says these things to you and you start to believe them its hard to come to terms that they will never be fact. I was with a guy for 5 years before this and i never went through the pain ive gone through now.. Maybe its loneliness.. i dont know but i know i do have a great social life and ive met other guys and i just cannot stop thinking about him.. hopefully it will get better for me.

sounds familiar - I wish i knew the answers - but thanks for your insight into this. Like him on his own there is something quiet about him..but when we were around other people he was loud and open and just different - i could never understand it.
yes he pushed me away.. and i wish he hadnt. I wish i knew why he did it. If its something that i should be improoving about myself that made hm do it i wish i knew because then i could learn from what happened... all i can learn from this is how hurt i feel and that i cannot trust anyone but myself.

I dont think at this stage that he will get in touch again - i guess its been a long time and he told me that hes walked away from all his other relationships without any regrets and has never looked back - so i guess at this stage im just the same.

He doesnt get in touch with me anymore - last time he texted me first was october - when he was out with a guy he went to college with and he said in the text that they were talking about a place that we had travelled to in oz and he said he had to tell me as i was the only one who would understand... i replied and said something like.. yes i loved that place and he didnt reply.. i dont know why he bothered... I have texted him once or twice in recent months and the last time was early december when i was at a concert and it was a band that basically the music of the band was a big part of our relationship we listened to thier songs when travelling or in bed etc.. i texted him saying it was hard to sit there listening to this band as it was like point in trying to get over things and he texted back saying i know i was there last night too.. but the second half is more upbeat..

I havent heard anything or texted him since.. i guess there is no point when he hasnt bothered with me either. I dont think he will ever fully understand what he put me through and i feel trapped in my own thoughts and dont know how to sort that out

sounds familar wrote: »

well there you go i never got on with my father and too say he didnt treat me well would win the understatement of the year awards, understand his mother might have let him do this because they might not have loved him only there selves sad but true, and he seemed clever enough to realize that, when i was younger i was quiet now the opposite is true im the loudest person in the room, but sometimes our early experiences shape how we react in relationships it sounds like he was pushing you away so he wouldn't get hurt.

ill put it like this if hes like me the one person who was supposed to love us in our life didnt think how that would affect us when it came to trusting people other than ourselves the only people we could rely on.

that simplifies it as i have went trough the healing process and am a much better person, with a great exciting job and who was no problems opening up to people and talking to them, if he gets back in touch with you try to understand him better, have you thought about contacting him?

LegacyUser

toughbreak wrote: »

god i wrote a reply hit something and it disappeared so if the same kinda thing shows up twice my appologies!
callop - thanks for your message on this - 9 years is a long time and it must be really hard. I know a year and i feel this way after 5 months... i cannot explain it. I love him.. i was in love with him and i still am. He broke my heart.. after a year it might sound pathetic i guess but i guess its hard to explain what we had together at the time. i mean we spoke about living together - looked at a place together, travelled to oz together, he told e a few months ago at my sisters engagement party that he wanted the same thing for us and saw us going the same way. I guess when someone says these things to you and you start to believe them its hard to come to terms that they will never be fact. I was with a guy for 5 years before this and i never went through the pain ive gone through now.. Maybe its loneliness.. i dont know but i know i do have a great social life and ive met other guys and i just cannot stop thinking about him.. hopefully it will get better for me.

sounds familiar - I wish i knew the answers - but thanks for your insight into this. Like him on his own there is something quiet about him..but when we were around other people he was loud and open and just different - i could never understand it.
yes he pushed me away.. and i wish he hadnt. I wish i knew why he did it. If its something that i should be improoving about myself that made hm do it i wish i knew because then i could learn from what happened... all i can learn from this is how hurt i feel and that i cannot trust anyone but myself.

I dont think at this stage that he will get in touch again - i guess its been a long time and he told me that hes walked away from all his other relationships without any regrets and has never looked back - so i guess at this stage im just the same.

He doesnt get in touch with me anymore - last time he texted me first was october - when he was out with a guy he went to college with and he said in the text that they were talking about a place that we had travelled to in oz and he said he had to tell me as i was the only one who would understand... i replied and said something like.. yes i loved that place and he didnt reply.. i dont know why he bothered... I have texted him once or twice in recent months and the last time was early december when i was at a concert and it was a band that basically the music of the band was a big part of our relationship we listened to thier songs when travelling or in bed etc.. i texted him saying it was hard to sit there listening to this band as it was like point in trying to get over things and he texted back saying i know i was there last night too.. but the second half is more upbeat..

I havent heard anything or texted him since.. i guess there is no point when he hasnt bothered with me either. I dont think he will ever fully understand what he put me through and i feel trapped in my own thoughts and dont know how to sort that out

well if you contact him or vice versa the way into this guys heart will be for you to open up to him and show compassion which heals all past abuses, if you do miss him so much ring him and let him no, do it in a way with no pressure involved offer to meet up for coffee, apart from what he said to you did you feel a connection with him yourself?

as regards going quiet sometimes im withdrawn or quiet the same way but other times i could talk to a whole room of people but thats just it when hes talking to people he deosnt have a relationship with hes basically on his own where he thrives as hes done most of his life, but at the point were he slept in his van on his own and left the parents is when he realized he wont get love from his parents and functions best on his own, when he enters a relationship he has to open up all over again which believe me is torture, you end up pushing the other person away, hes quiet because hes afraid of that rejection of childhood happening again its nothing to do with confidence rather his experience have understanding and compassion and things will change like i did hell start to realize that it wasnt his fault he wasnt loved and people will love him for who he is. really tough break he sounds exactly like me.

hollis12

its tough alrite sounds familiar makes perfect sense some people just find it hard or easy as the case may be to make break connection unfortunately people fall for those sort of people the most, they are often good with women because fear is nothing since they have went beyond that so chatting up women is easy, ive feel in love with a simular person who acted the same but i know she loved me but couldn't be loved by me at that point in her life.

dont think he didnt love you im sure he did, im back with the girl i feel in love with shes so bubbly happy and confident i really hit the jackpot, we broke up for a bit and got back together even when i hadnt heard from her for months, all it took was for her to know id be with her through tough times, best of luck op

LegacyUser

thanks for your comments guys - hollis - i appreciate the stuff you have said - hopefully i will eventually sort myself out. its lovely to hear that youo are back with the person you love and happy - I wish it was the same in my situation.

Sounds familiar - I know this and when we started the breakup stage he had told me he wasnt happy in his job, wheree he lives and as a person and i told him i would be there for him and always be there and help him to get through anything he needed me to help him with.
I miss him so much it really hurts you know but the biggest fear is he hasnt contacted me so he doesnt feel the same obviously which breaks my heart.
further to this i have tried texting him and stuff and you know hel text back but he doesnt contact me anymore.
I am so afraid of being rejected by this guy again and if i call him that hel tell me no he doesnt want to meet up or whatever.. I really do miss him and i wish there was an easy way to tell him that but there jsut isnt without me getting hurt and making things worse for myself.
It doesnt matter what happened to be honest - i feel that connection with him - i love him and clearly if he did what he did he doesnt feel the same way.. i guess we all have to prepare ourselves for rejection at some point in our lives.

re the opening up thing - it kind of does ring a bell as looking back over letters / cards and stuff he wrote me - he thanks me for allowing him to open up. He said to me that he found difficulty in opening up to people and that he wanted to for me. it might sound silly but i understood this and i was patient with him.

thanks so much for your advice.. i really need someone like yourself to say some of these things to me.. as i blame myself everyday for this and for the fact that the relationship is over. I dont know when im going to get over this but hopefully in years to come i will look back on it and maybe will have learned somethng from it.

sounds familar wrote: »

well if you contact him or vice versa the way into this guys heart will be for you to open up to him and show compassion which heals all past abuses, if you do miss him so much ring him and let him no, do it in a way with no pressure involved offer to meet up for coffee, apart from what he said to you did you feel a connection with him yourself?

as regards going quiet sometimes im withdrawn or quiet the same way but other times i could talk to a whole room of people but thats just it when hes talking to people he deosnt have a relationship with hes basically on his own where he thrives as hes done most of his life, but at the point were he slept in his van on his own and left the parents is when he realized he wont get love from his parents and functions best on his own, when he enters a relationship he has to open up all over again which believe me is torture, you end up pushing the other person away, hes quiet because hes afraid of that rejection of childhood happening again its nothing to do with confidence rather his experience have understanding and compassion and things will change like i did hell start to realize that it wasnt his fault he wasnt loved and people will love him for who he is. really tough break he sounds exactly like me.

LegacyUser

i agree with what hollis says my past also gives me great confidence to chat to women because everything else seems easy compared to what i/he got over, let me say this my dear it is not your fault the relationship ended but i dont think its his either, the fact that in his letters he thanks you for opening up to you is HUGE, it makes the connection, the worst thing you can do in this situation is close off to a person like this, which you didnt, its hard for both of you, know that hes suffering because he cant open up, even if you be a friend to this person be there for him dont close off if he opens up because it will come back to haunt you

LegacyUser

toughbreak wrote: »

I havent heard anything or texted him since.. i guess there is no point when he hasnt bothered with me either. I dont think he will ever fully understand what he put me through and i feel trapped in my own thoughts and dont know how to sort that out

This paragraph really struck me. I could have written those exact words.

LegacyUser

Yes i haveno problem talking to guys or even going on dates. ive been on a few the past few months since te breakup as i felt i needed to try and get myself back out there. Nothing is working for me thus far unfortunately and you know i cant open myself up to anyone right now as i dont feel i can trust anyone cos of whats happened. Maybe i need to find myself again - who knows and become happy and confindent in myself before i can trust anyone again.. its hard.
yeah i remember the first card i read that said that opening up stuff.. i didnt fully get it... but as time went on i realised what it meant.
To be honest how can i not close off this guy... he closed me off.. he doesnt contact me.. so what am i supposed to do... hes not given me the opportunity to be his friend. i dont know how to be his friend as i will always want more with this person.

sounds familiar wrote: »

i agree with what hollis says my past also gives me great confidence to chat to women because everything else seems easy compared to what i/he got over, let me say this my dear it is not your fault the relationship ended but i dont think its his either, the fact that in his letters he thanks you for opening up to you is HUGE, it makes the connection, the worst thing you can do in this situation is close off to a person like this, which you didnt, its hard for both of you, know that hes suffering because he cant open up, even if you be a friend to this person be there for him dont close off if he opens up because it will come back to haunt you

LegacyUser

hi callop,
struck you in a bad way? I meant every word... heartbreak does terrible things to you

callop wrote: »

This paragraph really struck me. I could have written those exact words.

hollis12

tough break i did go through a period were we didnt talk but she got with different men since then and missed the connection we had, she really did it took some convincing by me at first but in the end all the times she said she missed me and asked to meet up i finally agreed and now we are happy together and im supporting any issues she had, which shes totally over

LegacyUser

toughbreak wrote: »

hi callop,
struck you in a bad way? I meant every word... heartbreak does terrible things to you

No, I just meant the paragraph I referred to sounded just like how it is for me in my situation, especially the last sentence, as in I could have written the very same about how I felt.

You wrote:
"I dont think he will ever fully understand what he put me through and i feel trapped in my own thoughts and dont know how to sort that out"

That sums it up for me.