1 year on - big get back decision - please help

MichaelJos17

Hey,
I need some advice from someone who hopefully has some experience in this area, I can't seem to get any!

I broke up with my gf over a year ago now. I was in love with her (and still am) and just needed time to concentrate on myself as im 21 and have a lot of stuff that will really shape be depending on the next while, and I guess I felt I needed the time to sort myself out mentally and to concentrate on myself. Every day since I think about her all the time. I can't really enjoy anything unless I forget for a while which is rare enough. I've had some really good times but it's not long before I go back to thinking about her. It's I guess so bad that it's 2am and I'm writing this notice for advice 14 months later. She is proud so won't contact me back though I contact her which is maybe foolish. She was heartbroken and said she wanted me back even 6 months ago but this was a lucky random contact and she doesn't usually or since contact me back.

I know I want to be with her in the end, and I'm scared of losing her for good. But I also know I need/want to be single for a little while longer as I might be moving away for a bit, throwing myself into a very risky career etc. I guess I want to be my own man and get into the world until maybe in 1 year of 18 months I can be with her for good. But i'm really worried about losing her for good, so I'm caught in a trap. The career is in the art realm so the pain is somewhat beneficial for this, but terrible for my mental health and depression.

A bit of advice from someone who knows what their talking about would be great. I've been told to forget about it, which doesn't really cut it for me. I'm scared to lose her, she's unbelievable this one, but it's a long life and this is something that I need to do to make me, if ya get me.
mj17

CDfm

OP - she loves you and you love her by all accounts.Being apart makes you both miserable. It makes no sense to be apart.

You are 21 and an opportunity has arisen which will mean you will work abroad for 12 -18 months.Lots of people make a go of long distance relationships. What if you were in the army on peace duty and spending 6 or 12 months on a tour.

You are 21 and taking a career risk while you are young enough to do it.The only thing I can see was if she asked you to give up the opportunity.

Stop giving yourself and her such a hard time. See if you can work both the career and her.

Moomoo1

why couldn't you concentrate on yourself and sort yourself out whilst continuing being in a relationship with her?

krudler

It would be a bit unfair to get back together after all this time then move away for another year or longer, dragging it out even more, you could have spent the past year together laying the foundation for a stronger relationship that might survive being apart for 12-18 months, but i'd be pretty pissed if someone wanted to get back together with me then move away and expect me to just wait for them after they broke up with me once before, seems like you want to have your cake and eat it as well. Look at it from her point of view, you dump her, spend a year pining for her, want her back, then move abroad and expect her to wait for you in case this new career pans out?thats pretty selfish tbh when you could have gotten back together with her long before now if she felt the same way, you can "find yourself" and be with someone you love at the same time, the two arent mutually exclusive

Alpha111

Why can't you ask her to go with you??? If she's the one don't let her go again a lot of people manage long distance relationships if you still feel this way 14 months later there must be a reason or do you like being miserable???

jellyboy

Do it...contact her ,tell her what you feel in ur heart,mind,,,

What have you got to lose?

CDfm

jellyboy wrote: »

Do it...contact her ,tell her what you feel in ur heart,mind,,,

What have you got to lose?

True -and OP I dont buy that being miserable will make you a better artist.

star-pants

I'm split really - part of me says if you feel that strongly just tell her - as said there's nothing to lose as ye are already broken up. And she did still care for you 6 months ago.

Other part of me says - she's not been in contact with you for 6months? Do you know if she's even single? Just that maybe she's had to deal with her heartbreak, and is maybe now finally getting over it and then you turn around and say you're still in love with her.
AND you say you're going away for a good while soon? What happens if you guys get back together and then you bugger off - how does that work? (not saying it wouldn't but just asking if you've thought that part through). You know you'd have to tell her you'd be going away pretty soon (if she came back to you) and she may or may not be ok with that.

I'm sure you've thought of all these things, but just make sure it's something you can cope with too. If you get her back and then have to leave her, could be just as heartbreaking as before.

BUT you're young and you're crazy about her, and you're not losing anything by telling her so if you feel you'd regret it forever, then I guess why not?

MichaelJos17

To Krudler: So you reckon wait and see if I can get her back when i can actually be with her? And if it's meant to be then it'll be?

To CDfm: the reason is that i grew up in a pretty damn strict family, with never that much freedom, and almost as soon as I moved out we got together - and she is an amazing support, I've never had to stand on my own feet or make my own decisions and take my own consequences. For my career, for being a good partner for her eventually and for me personally I needed some time to actually get strong on my own for when she needs me or i need to rely on myself. ya know?

To Alpha111: She's got 1.5 years left in college so I can't really ask her to do that, it was a 4 year thing.

Star-pants: im not 100% sure she's single, but 99% and i know in my heart that she is too, she's the most loyal peson ever. She has only been in contact on a very few occasions, in response to certain contacts I make. But the no contact thing isn't a major indicator, she said from the first day that she wouldn't contact me, just for ease of life, and it was by chance really that i met her 6 months ago. I don't want to mess her about, but i sort of feel I need this time to actually be strong enough for her long term, and for me long term, if that makes sense? We've done the long distance thing before and though very very hard, we got through, but I think you're right, I don't think we could manage one this long straight off the bat. At least I'm not sure.

What d'you all reckon? Cheers for the advice so far btw

star-pants

Well, she's got 1 &half years left in college, you're planning on heading off for maybe the same length of time.
If you think she feels the same, maybe tell her, and maybe ye can decide to try long distance, OR ye could decide to wait until she's finished and you're back. Just if you're unsure if ye would be strong enough then you might not be. Just I know if it were me, it'd be so tough to finally get back with someone and then be separated for a long time so soon after.

It's her decision too - as I said you may tell her and she might not think she could cope being apart, or maybe she'd want to try. But both sides have to be willing to put in the effort.

Moomoo1

MichaelJos17 wrote: »

To CDfm: the reason is that i grew up in a pretty damn strict family, with never that much freedom, and almost as soon as I moved out we got together - and she is an amazing support, I've never had to stand on my own feet or make my own decisions and take my own consequences. For my career, for being a good partner for her eventually and for me personally I needed some time to actually get strong on my own for when she needs me or i need to rely on myself. ya know?

you can still make decisions and take consequences in a relationship. You could have made it so that the other person wasn't there all the time, that you had the space, the independence and the opportunity to live your own life without breaking up with her. But you chose not to do this: why?

the reason I'm asking you is that it's somewhat difficult to have a lasting loving relationship with someone who just took off and left you for a year, with no regard for your feelings in this, and no chance for your input. So you'd need a really good explanation of your actions.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you can still make decisions and take consequences in a relationship. You could have made it so that the other person wasn't there all the time, that you had the space, the independence and the opportunity to live your own life without breaking up with her. But you chose not to do this: why?

the reason I'm asking you is that it's somewhat difficult to have a lasting loving relationship with someone who just took off and left you for a year, with no regard for your feelings in this, and no chance for your input. So you'd need a really good explanation of your actions.

+1

And OP -if you think this is as good as it gets go for the relationship. Pursuit of happiness and all that.

The risk of doing nothing is that she will move on -if she has not done so already.

MichaelJos17

re: you can still make decisions and take consequences in a relationship. You could have made it so that the other person wasn't there all the time, that you had the space, the independence and the opportunity to live your own life without breaking up with her. But you chose not to do this: why?

I agree, but I mean to take consequences and deal with things on your own shoulders. With a loving partner, especially someone as amazing as this one, there was no way that would ever happen - deal with anything on my own shoulders, ya know?

And re the explanations I'll have to give: Well I said this when I was breaking up, I told her it was nothing about her, that I'd want to have her when I settle down and that it wasn't going to be forever. But I guess its taking longer than I or she envisaged. So here i am. What you all reckon?

jellie

Leave her alone. She put herself out there 6 months ago for you and you turned her down (or so it seems?), let her get on with her life. you sound like you dont know what you want and that even if you get some chance with her youll just go off and leave her again.

LegacyUser

Are you seeing other women while you 'find yourself'?

MichaelJos17

nope. Since she hasn't been contacting me I've thought to myself fine I'll try forget her with other girls. But it just feels wrong, and nobody is as good. So I just act cynically and push any girls interested away really. Any time i think of anyone sexually it's always her, no-one else really turns me on like that. I just think of her and I'm never bothered taking anything further because even though it may seem weird because it's been ages, I feel like I still have to be loyal to her if that makes sense?

CDfm

So OP are you going to contact her - you can see how silly it is tormenting yourself like this- cant you?

MichaelJos17

I'm only gonna have one shot at gettin back with her tho, and if i do it now when im about to go away and that and **** it up, I'll be finished. or Like Sar84 said.
But maybe if I wait til im set and she's finished college and we cud actually make a proper go of it? Any supporters of that view?