Never had a one night stand

LegacyUser

I might have posted this before but it's something that's really starting to bother me. Basically, I've never had a one night stand with a girl. It seems that everyone I meet has had one and when I find out they have, I feel bad that I haven't experienced it. I'm male and in my early thirties.

I've recently been in contact with a girl from an internet dating site and she told me she's had one night stands before but doesn't do them anymore. I didn't ask her for this info, she told me sort of out of the blue.

Again though it's just dragging up these feelings of resentment and jealousy that I've never had one. I know a lot of people say they're not all they are cracked up to be but I'd like it if I had my own knowledge of them, rather than just having to watch on with bitterness that it's never me and rely on other peoples experiences.

My sexual experience is pretty limited as it is and almost non existent. But how do I get this one night stand thing out of my system? I guess I could go out and have one or a few but I've absolutely no idea about how to go about it? How do I meet a girl who's on for that?

Half my problem is that I barely even speak to women on nights out and on the odd occasion that they show me interest and make a move on me, my brain freezes and I don't do anything.

Advice, help and suggestions please.

Thanks.

Elba101

I've only ever had one ons because i wanted to see what all the fuss was about...nothing much. I felt horrible in the morning and waking up to a stranger...i don't find that exciting at all!! I have a friend who's had a few and her stories are hilarious which sometimes makes me feel like im missing out. But I know i'm not. If your comfortable to go ahead and do it and you find someonw whos up for it then off you go and it may very well be the most amazing sex of your life. But it could also be terrible.

If you want to get it out of your system i suggest that you go home with someone that you click with rather than anything you can get...

Enjoy!

Zombienosh

ive never had a one night stand, never want to, tbh i hate the idea of a one night stand. I really think a meaningful relationship is always preferred?

girl2

I am a girl in my early 30s, and have never had a one night stand. I wouldnt ever have one either. I think you should congratulate yourself on not having one. I actually think its something to be proud of, never mind having bad feelings about never having done it.

Its a great thing!

krudler

You're really not missing much, had one once, hated it, most awkward, unfulling sex ever, and really awkward chit chat dropping her home the next morning, didnt ask for each others numbers, didnt want them, i couldnt even remember her name the next day, if i could go back and not do it i would, it was crap. granted not all one night stands are like that, some people love them, but dont build them up as something you simply have to have, I'd be more concerned with getting together with someone you genuinely liked rather than some randomer who wont mean anything

sea_monkey

youre a lucky lucky person.

on a night out your goal should not be scoring it should be havin fun with your mates and getting a number or two then take it from there.

OxO-CuBe

Dont worry about it. Some people have never went to a pub and had one pint either...

star-pants

to be honest it sounds like you've more of an issue with dating and talking to women than just a 'one night stand'.
Why would you feel jealous and resenting of someone who had a one night stand? Personally they're not for me, never had one, doubt I will, because I prefer to be with someone I care about. They're not for everyone, some people only have one night stands or fck buddies and that's fine if it works for them I guess, but some people prefer relationships.

Regarding talking to women on nights out etc, as they say be yourself is the best way - just try and relax, if they come over and talk to you and seem interested - try not to panic, just chat back and see how things go. Don't build up these crazy expectations from 'stories' people tell you. You might just yap to a nice lady and that could be it, you might yap to her and she might want to swap numbers, play it by ear.
The more you get out and socialise, the more you'll relax a little when it comes to the face to face talking. Just generally try to interact more, even if it's only a 'hello there' at the bar to a lady or whatever, to get yourself used to it.
Everyone gets nervous, nothing to be worried about, we all need a bit of practise. And getting yourself worked up cuz you've never had a one night stand isn't going to help you. IF you get all annoyed and frustrated over it, then that's all that's going to be in your head and won't help you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

It's not really a case of me be resentful of the other person, just resentful and jealous that I haven't had one myself. I guess because I've had so little experience that anytime I hear of someone having a one night stand, or FB or something like that, I get sort of upset and resentful that I've never had that.

I know this all sort of stems from my lack of confidence and low self esteem etc. But it really feels like this is one part of my life that is a total and utter failure. Even that girl I was texting asked me how long it had been since I last had sex. I didn't tell her how long it was (about 8 or 9 years) and she said something like "Jeez, I'd die". And while that's fair enough, it just annoyies the hell out of me and I was thinking to myself "Well at least you have the option". And that's kind of what it feels like. It's like everyone else seems to have the possibility and I don't.

I know in my head that's a stupid way to look at it but when you're 32, only had sex once or twice and have had really nothing much in the following 8 or 9 years, I really think it begins to scar you mentally and emotionally. For me, I just get fed up and resentful that I can't seem to get something that everyone else seems to get quite easily, which then leads me to think there's something wrong with me.

I know I shouldn't constantly be comparing myself to other people, but it's hard not to when everyone else seems to be getting something at least and I'm not.

I also want to avoid the situation where if I do somehow meet a girl and start seeing her, I end up with this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I haven't played the field etc.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope that I don't come across like I'm whining. I'm just so completely and utterly fed up at being locked in an involuntary jail of celibacy.

Nice advice Star-Pants, I may put that into action going forward. It sounds stupid but I think if I could even just bring myself to say "hello, how are you?" and not have the interaction go further than her responding, then that would be a huge step forward.

I don't know how I ended up like this and I often feel like I've wasted so much time.

Thanks again for the replies so far.

star-pants

mrunreg wrote: »

Nice advice Star-Pants, I may put that into action going forward. It sounds stupid but I think if I could even just bring myself to say "hello, how are you?" and not have the interaction go further than her responding, then that would be a huge step forward.

I don't know how I ended up like this and I often feel like I've wasted so much time.

Thanks again for the replies so far.

It's not stupid - it can take a lot of guts to just say hi to people sometimes - especially if you're not used to it. Doing that even would be good, build up your confidence, and if you get a conversation one day, then you do

It's understandable to feel worried or 'why don't have as much experience as everyone else' - but it's not *everyone* else. It may seem that way though.
To me, I'd rather not be with anyone for ages, than be with lots of random people just for the sake of it. You've not wasted time at all - you're hardly 60 or something!

If we over-think things it can make them more difficult, cuz you build it up, get more nervous etc. Say hi, if they don't say hi back, so what.
Another possibility could be to join a social type group, whether it's dancing or martial arts or book club or anything, just something that involves groups. And you won't be alone in being nervous at these things, lots of people go for the first time. That way you can build up your confidence with people in general, and gives you more topics to talk about.

I know it's hard when you feel all your friends etc have partners or are 'getting some' - but doesn't mean everythings perfect for them either.

LegacyUser

I'm female, 29 and if a guy I met told me he had loads of one night stands I'd run a mile! I've never had one, nor have any of my friends - not saying there's anything wrong with it if that's what suits you, but it's just not my cup of tea.

I'd be only too delighted to meet someone like yourself - don't let it phase you that you've been celibate for a while, it just means that the next girl you sleep with will obviously mean something to you. Don't throw that away for the sake of a bit of resentment and envy - from what we've learned about you I really don't think you'd find it fulfilling and may end up worse off.

Djuret

Don't feel bad about time wasted, we all make bad decisions in life, and there's no point in regrets, just make sure you learn from them. Also dont' compare yourself against others, it's better to just constantly make the most of what you have.

Women are really very similar to men - if you meet a girl out on a night, talk to her like she's a human being , not a princess to be put on a pedestal. If you're into her, make sure you let her know that is the case though.

The above is pretty much all you need to know to get a relationship or one night stand or whatever.

To give you some ideas where to meet women, here are the last 2 dates I went out to:

- I go to a cafe most sundays to have a coffee and read the paper, a waitress there gets along grand with me, always calling over when it's quiet to have a bit of banter, so i just asked her out for a drink

- Went shopping in Dunnes, went to an asian cashier. Was curious where she was from, turns out she was from Thailand, asked her out for a coffee after work to talk about thailand.

and a bonus:

- Just entered a pub before xmas, this drunk girl walks up to me at the bar ,and asks me if I want to have sex with her. I turned this one down.

My point is really that there are opportunities everywhere, you just gotta keep your eyes peeled. Do let girls know if you are interested in them, but don't be too crass about wanting to ride them.

PK2008

I havent got any statistics but if I had to bet I would say most 1 night stands happen when drink is involved, therefore I recommend getting down the pub/club and trying your luck.

Ever hear of a Dublin club called Copper Face Jacks?

Monkey61

I think it is natural to desire and almost fetishise something that you have never had. But I can almost guarantee you that the reality would not be what you expect and if you went out tomorrow and had a string of one night stands you would be back posting about how all the sex you have ever had is soulless and boring and how you would love a real relationship because you have never had that.

My perspective on one night stands - yes fun to a certain extent, purely for the buzz of it all, but the sex itself is generally rubbish - as it often is with someone whose body you don't know and who doesn't know yours. I think it takes amazing relationship sex (or sex with someone who knows your body and what you like well) to make you realise how brilliant sex can be and put that back into perspective.

Especially if you are lacking in experience, then a one night stand probably isn't going to be much fun for anybody involved.

So instead of fixating on one night stands - get out there and meet some women. Improve yourself. Work on your confidence, your interests and hobbies, your fitness and your appearance. Make the time to force yourself out of the house and talk to women.

RossFixxxed

Your frustration is jumping off the page, but as others have said it's only because you don't think you have the option. If you did you probably wouldn't bother.

I think you should step back a little further here. Don't just go ploughing into Coppers with a bottle of Vodka in you and try and get laid. Don't even go out trying to score. Certainly go out to have fun though. Start nice and simple, get little chats going in shops etc. See a nice girl behind the till, say something about the shop, a little joke about something, even a big smile and a hi how are you. Don't do this with an intention of asking anyone out. Do it with everyone you deal with. Each one builds confidence. I've gotten fairly decent money off things by being super friendly and a chatty in shops. I'm taking 200 quid off a piece of jewellery, half price on flowers, Games at staff discount, booze at staff discount etc. People appreciate it in general. I've noticed that saying something (a bit american here) like 'have a nice day' when you are leaving a shop usually gets a smile!

Everyone likes someone who is friendly to you. It makes work, social, and life in general more pleasent. Get interacting more with people, but if you are really trying to score that shows and looks a bit desperate. Build up your rapport with work collegues and everyone. Some of the simplest things you can learn are to smile and be open and approchable. These are surprisingly powerful.

As you learn to do this, and hopefully enjoy it you will naturally become more adept at it and this will make social interractions easier. As you go you can start to apply it in pubs, clubs etc. A smile and a hi how are you at the bar, even if blanked is a great start. Who knows where it will go!