Operation win him back

LegacyUser

Here's my story. Was in a LDR, but it all fell apart about 2 months ago due to stress, distance etc. Within hours of finishing it, I realised it was a terrible mistake and despite calls, emails and text messages, the damage was done and he wouldn't take me back. Having had some time to reflect over the last few days I have realised that I really really want to give things another go with this boy. Some of the chick flicks of the holiday season have also given some inspiration. Would it be stupid to drive the length of this country on new years eve, and turn up on his doorstep, declare my undying love for him in an attempt to win him back?

Aurora Borealis

I'd prbably say go for it. I did something similar once, didn't work out but I'm still glad I did as I would've always wondered if I hadn't. I've been known to be too impulsive though so perhaps others wouldn't agree.

Gyalist

croibriste wrote: »

Would it be stupid to drive the length of this country on new years eve, and turn up on his doorstep, declare my undying love for him in an attempt to win him back?

Yes, very stupid. Real life isn't a movie.

Eve_Dublin

So you emailed, texted and called him in an attempt to win him back and he said still no? Honestly OP....I wouldn't drive down there if I were you. He knows you want to get back with him and he knows where to find you if he changes his mind. Arriving on his doorstep will only put him on the spot. You clearly hurt this guy and you owe it to him to give him space and work things out for himself...how is he to know you won't dump him again once things get a bit stressful again? You can't play with people's emotions like that and if things are going to work out, you need to give him time to forgive you instead of confusing him by confronting him face-to-face.

Aurora Borealis

Yup as I said too impulsive. If you've been in contact continually over the last while then perhaps it is best to let it go and ultimately respect his wishes.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I should have been more specific. At the start I called, texted and emailed. I got a message back where he said finding me was like finding one in a million but basically the distance was prob always going to be a prob. So I let things be. And then I got a Christmas card, and a beautiful bracelet, and a text on Christmas Day wishing me a happy Christmas, and I just wonder should I show him I am prepared to commit to this

Firetrap

Read what you've written. He's made it clear he doesn't want you back. Why drive the length of the country, especially in this weather, in the vague hope that he'll change his mind? And even if you did get back together, you're still going to be in that long distance relationship with stress, distance etc. We all love a happy ending in our romcoms but real life isn't a Sleepless in Seattle.

magneticimpulse

he knows where you are. if he was interested he would have tried to win you back, he hasnt. christmas has passed and he survived that without you. unfortunately there is no chance of this working. he would have called before christmas and he didnt. prince charming doesnt exist and if you continue like this, you will be left with prince harming. sadly its not worked.

Bad Seed

Driving to him would be the best thing to do I think. These people do not understand true love. Definately go to him.

magneticimpulse

no dont drive to him!! he could issue a restraining order. imagine how much of a nutter you would look like? stalking him? turning up on his doorstep. "these" people do understand true love, but we also understand, when a relationship is finished, its over. people obvisously still feel love but it didnt work out for some reason or another. its no reason to go and stalk an ex boyfriend. keep your pride and move on

hollis12

croibriste wrote: »

Here's my story. Was in a LDR, but it all fell apart about 2 months ago due to stress, distance etc. Within hours of finishing it, I realised it was a terrible mistake and despite calls, emails and text messages, the damage was done and he wouldn't take me back. Having had some time to reflect over the last few days I have realised that I really really want to give things another go with this boy. Some of the chick flicks of the holiday season have also given some inspiration. Would it be stupid to drive the length of this country on new years eve, and turn up on his doorstep, declare my undying love for him in an attempt to win him back?

well in fairness i think a lot of the time people forget the hurt that being dumped can cause, some people long to have the bf/gf that dumped them back but some who were dumped in cruel ways sometimes just shut off feelings for that person/

hollis12

as regards driving to him, love isnt clinical its pure freedom, if you love him i would drive down to him at least to chance it, it might make him realize that he loves you.

Bad Seed

hollis12 wrote: »

as regards driving to him, love isnt clinical its pure freedom, if you love him i would drive down to him at least to chance it, it might make him realize that he loves you.

Exactly, and if he doesn't want to get back with you you can shout at him then but it will all be fine.:D

CDfm

OP - I wouldnt make the drive as he may not be in given the day that is in it.

But if I did I would set off really early so I would reach there in plenty of time. If I was serious I would book into a hotel overnight so that if negotiations were prolonged or he was not around that I was available for the day and being a decent skin he may well agree to meet you.

Some people are superstitious about getting back with an ex ever or he may have started seeing someone else. I would hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Dont get your expectations too high but the card and pressie are encouraging but the pressie could have been pre bought.

You have already given the reasons why the relationship cant work and maybe they struck a chord and even if he likes you loads you may have convinced him. He may have sort of felt the same way and fate may have intervened.

That said it is worth a shot even though its a long shot and relationships can recover.

Good luck OP.

cafecolour

I don't think the best way to prove your ready for a serious commitment to a long distance relationship is to impulsively drive and show up on his doorstep on new years eve no less (what are you going to do when he's not there? Wait outside until he stumbles home at 4 am with a random bird. That'll be pretty.)

Call him or write him. Say "look, I've been reconsidering. I'm still madly in love with you, I didn't know what I had until it was gone, and I'm ready to make a lot more effort than I did. Let's spend new years eve weekend together - or the next weekend if you already have plans - and see if we rekindle the spark."

If he says yes, then go, enjoy the weekend, and then talk future plans. If he says no, then leave it.

But before you do this - are you ready to uproot your life and move to where he is to make this work? Because if you're not, it'll just fall apart again for being a LDR, and there's no point.

LegacyUser

Thank you everybody. You've given me plenty of food for though before I sit in the car and drive for 7 hours. Your help and all of of your opinions are much appreciated

St James

There nothing as thick as a thick man.

If I was in his position, I would consider that the sacred bond of trust was broken. I would put the onus on rebuilding that trust on you. However, and this is the tricky part, you cannot be seen to be too flippant, lest he think that you might repeat the performance.

i think that the suggestion from CAFECOLOUR is safest.

rebuild and engage with all your might. however, you may have lost it at this stage. he may give you another chance and he may not. If he does not, then do not make a total fool of yourself. Just chalk it down to bitter and I mean bitter experience and start fishing again.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everybody for listening and for the advice. Mission win him back has failed. I did drive, but contacted him first but the rebuilding didn't go according to plan. We hav reached the end of thel line. Thanks to St. James for your insight. I took my beating and I have had the opportunity to reflect on the mess I made while driving the length of the country...bitter experience as you say

CDfm

croi briste wrote: »

Thanks to everybody for listening and for the advice. Mission win him back has failed. I did drive, but contacted him first but the rebuilding didn't go according to plan. We hav reached the end of thel line. Thanks to St. James for your insight. I took my beating and I have had the opportunity to reflect on the mess I made while driving the length of the country...bitter experience as you say

OP - sorry to hear that.

Very brave of you BTW.

You cant really put a time limit on these things which may be what you have done. As with the breakup you have approached it head on in an all or nothing way.

Now -the breakup could have hurt him deeply so maybe you should try regular simple contact without the grand gestures.

Gyalist

Not surprised. I guess that he's seeing someone who lives locally.

I hope that you have learned that chick flicks are not the ideal template for life.

G-Money

Sorry to hear it hasn't worked out. I'll be honest and say I thought it sounded like a bad idea to just show up unannounced to try and win him back. As much as its crap, at least you know now.

When a break-up occurs, quite often the person who got dumped can feel very very hurt. I think they can often forget whatever reasons the other person gave them and they just focus on how bad the person hurt them. In such a situation, if the person who dumped them wants a 2nd chance, I can see it being very difficult for them to get it.

I think personally if you are going to end it with someone, you need to think through why you are doing it and if you are going to expect or hope that they'll give you a 2nd chance further down the line. I think in such cases it's a bit unfair and unreasonable of people to expect that.

I don't have a hard and fast rule about 2nd chances and it depends on the situation, but typically I think if someone hurts you, you don't give them a 2nd chance to do the same thing, or worse.

Aurora Borealis

At least now you can try and draw that line in the sand and go about getting back on your feet again. New year, new you. Best of luck.

opinion guy

Quite apart from anything else - isn't the country covered in snow and frost etc currently ? Probably not a good idea to go driving across it so

LegacyUser

Just a quick one to say well done on having the courage to put yourself out there - I did the same (only 4 hour drive though and it wasn't ny eve) and was also sent home, though a few days later she actually got back in touch and we're together again for over a year and half now going great.

Don't feel bad for doing it - too many people won't take a chance and even here told you not to, for putting yourself out there you should be really proud, well done!

magneticimpulse

she did drive across it...anyway heres to a new year without him and a new you

opinion guy

Sorry my mistake I somehow got mixed up with the thread.

Sorry to hear that Op - new start for the new year eh ?