Can't accept compliments

LegacyUser

This is something I've noticed myself recently and I don't know if I'd say it's a problem as such, but I think I'm sort of shooting myself in the foot sometimes or sabotaging things. I'm just wondering if anyone else is like this and if so, have they any tips?

For example. I've been texting a girl I met from an internet dating site over the last few days. We've swapped pics and we chatted on MSN and I had my webcam on so she could see a live pic of me, rather than a still photo.

Anyway we'd chatted a bit and stuff and she said "Ah well you look good to me " and we kept chatting a bit. Then she text'd me on Christmas night wishing me a happy Christmas and stuff. We text'd back and forth and again she said at one point "Well I think you are a cutie "

So I was thinking, grand, this is nice.

But of course now, a day or two later, I'm starting to think these weren't real compliments. Here's an example of what happened in my head.

I got the compliment and I think "that's cool, and really nice" and it made me feel good. Then she hadn't text'd me yesterday so I sent her a text last night just asking how she was etc. She was out with a friend which is fair enough. Of course now I started to think "well she was only texting me on Christmas night as she was at home and was bored. And perhaps she had a few drinks which is why she said the cute thing." And in my mind I'm re-enforcing this as I'm saying to myself "Well it's obvious she was just bored as she was out last night and didn't think of contacting you. Had she still thought that she'd have sent a text or something".

I know this is a ridiculous way to think but I can't seem to stop. I'm like this so often though. I'll get a compliment and sooner or later I'll find some way to dismiss it. I'll say stuff to myself like "oh they were just being polite, or they don't really mean it, or they were drunk" etc etc.

How do I stop this as when it comes to girls I fancy, it often leads me to cut them out of my life. A reject them before they reject me kind of thing. If often seems to escalate where I start to think "Ah well she didn't mean that has I haven't heard from her since and she probably scored/f****d some guy last night" and before you know it, I've their number deleted and them blocked/deleted on Facebook and everything else.

How can I stop dismissing genuine compliments? I seem to focus and believe the negative stuff and eventually assume the positive stuff isn't true.

Btw I don't mean to sound like some big headed freak. I'm definitely not getting compliments all day long etc. Usually the opposite. I'd just think I'd like to stop dismissing the genuine ones on the rare occasion that I get them.

Eve_Dublin

Hey OP, I'm the very same as you. Initially I'm buzzing over the compliment but a while later I've dismissed it in my head and this goes for things I've achieved in my life as well to the extent that I even dismissed the (good) grade I got in my degree and put it down to the "bell curve" method of grading. I'm no psychologist but I'm guessing that it must come down to the fact that you don't believe these things about yourself and it's essentially down to how much self-worth you have.

I tried writing a list of all the major compliments I ever received, tried to see a pattern in the ones that were repeated (because if they're said a few times by few different people then they must be true, right?) and tried to take them on board but no matter how hard I tried they wouldn't penetrate. The thing is, you can't base your self-worth on what other people think about you or else you're in for a precarious ride...you need to somehow have more belief in yourself. Personally I'm getting a little better now because the past couple of years I've done more things where I'm not relying on anyone else, things that have really challenged me and that I really enjoy and tak me out of my "comfort zone" (sorry for the Oprah-ism)and I'm starting to believe in myself a bit more.

That's the only advice I can give OP as I'm trying to figure it out for myself.

What the story with you OP? Are you happy with your current situation? Do you have hobbies you enjoy or do you challenge yourself regularly in some way?

LegacyUser

I know I have low confidence and low/no self esteem. I only realised this recently but I've always been this way. Growing up I always felt like noone really liked me. I also never had any success with women which I think just compounded my feelings of inadequacy.

I remember being in PE class at school and I always was the last one picked for sports, always. I didn't go through puberty till I was about 16 so I felt like more of a reject and was even more self conscious.

I guess the self esteem thing is a big reason why compliments never stick. Especially where women are concerned. Now it's like any thing that a woman has said to me about being attractive or whatever can't be true, because if they were true I'd not be still single with almost no experience whatsoever. It's been about 8 or 9 years since I even kissed a girl.

It's been suggested to me that I should go speak to a psychologist to help me sort out my issues. I guess it's a good idea but I feel so pathetic thinking that I need professional help for something that most normal people don't need. Almost as if I need potty training again

fuzzywiggle

Ok, where do i start. Take each compliment with a pinch of salt. People say to me "you look great today" and I know that sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't and either way it doesn't bother me as I'm happy with myself and don't need reassurances.

Secondly, if a girl tells you you're cute, and then doesn't text you then next day you automatically assume she's out and "scored/****ed some guy" hmmm, ok just back that one up a little bit and take a look at the broader picture.. how can you equate such things? Personally, yes when im at home and have time to text someone i'll text them, i wont be texting them the next day when i'm out with friends etc etc. What are you expecting from people? She text you when she could, no need to go on a deleting/blocking rampage!

Ultimately, i think you may be taking life a little too seriously. Relax a bit!

CDfm

I love compliments but then its easy to give compliments to me as I gracefully accept them and secretly deep down know that I really deserve them.

Seriously though -I am a nice guy and so are you from what you post.

LegacyUser

Have you asked the girl out yet?

Someone told me once that if someone pays you a compliment say 'Thank You' instead of putting yourself down like this. DON'T PUT YOURSELF DOWN there are enough people out there that will happily do that for you. Now that last commenter said that you seem like a nice guy. So - Say 'Thank You' to CDfm . Take the compliment for what it states. Feel good about it for a while if you like and then stop thinking about it.

It's all about confidence. Not too much, then your up yourself, but just enough.

And ask that girl out, but like all the millions of guys that hang outside the ladies toilets at MacGownans in Phibsborogh, if she refuses you - No sweat - just ask the next one that comes out until one of them says ya.

Warfi

2manyconditions wrote: »

Have you asked the girl out yet?

Someone told me once that if someone pays you a compliment say 'Thank You' instead of putting yourself down like this. DON'T PUT YOURSELF DOWN there are enough people out there that will happily do that for you. Now that last commenter said that you seem like a nice guy. So - Say 'Thank You' to CDfm . Take the compliment for what it states. Feel good about it for a while if you like and then stop thinking about it.

It's all about confidence. Not too much, then your up yourself, but just enough.

And ask that girl out, but like all the millions of guys that hang outside the ladies toilets at MacGownans in Phibsborogh, if she refuses you - No sweat - just ask the next one that comes out until one of them says ya.

agree with all of this except for hanging around ladies toilets part.... a bit too 'catch her unawares and she'll say yes' for my liking!! :pac:

OP, if someone pays you a compliment, imagine that you've been given a present. What do you normally do if someone gives you a gift? You say thanks.*

And another thing, stop second guessing what the girl is thinking. You're doing yourself no favours. Just remember that the only way you'll find out what she's thinking is by getting to know her, which means arranging a date and talking/listening to her. If that goes well, arrange another one. Bit by bit, you'll get to know what she's thinking, what makes her tick, what she hates/loves etc etc.



*This is how I got over my own fear of how fabulous I am

stripysocks85

Feel like this myself sometimes, funny - I could have almost written then post!

All I can say that is if she does give you compliments, try your best to accept them. She's not likely to be saying it just for something to say [although I had a friend who complimented another friend on her hair, before whispering nasty things to me about it!]. Confidence is attractive. Even when you don't feel positive about yourself, fake it!

Good luck with the girl. Met my bf on a dating site, and felt similar to you at the start. Together a year now, so who knows what could happen

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

Yeah if someone compliments me, I tend to say thanks, although the odd time I will ask them if they are sure they're talking about me etc. Even when I just smile and say thanks and if I say nothing more about it, in my head I eventually dismiss it.

Regarding the girl, I asked her out and she said yes so we're meeting on Tuesday evening. That's the plan anyway at the moment. I could tell she was fairly interested from the stuff she was saying so I figured she'd be on for meeting up anyway.

Although I've noticed she's got very quiet over the last few days, not really initiating texts and stuff. I know she's been out a few times this week so naturally my head is thinking she's met someone else or something.

Anyway I texted her today to see how she was getting on and asked if she still wanted to meet up. She said she wanted to if I was still on for it, and I said I was. I mentioned that I wasn't sure if she had changed her mind and she said she hadn't. I was talking to her then a bit later on MSN and was saying that I hadn't heard much from her and was everything ok. She said things were grand and we'd been texting a right bit and she didn't want to bother me incase I was busy and she also had a friend staying with her.

I guess that's fair enough but the paranoid part of my brain still thinks something is not right. Maybe I'm just imagining things. I just wondered why she seemed to stop initiating texts and stuff which made me wonder had she lost interest or something.

Anyway the plan is to meet on Tuesday evening. Will see how it goes anyway.

stripysocks85

Don't keep looking for reassurance "Are you sure you want to meet up/is everything okay" etc etc. I do that myself though, so I know where you're coming from, but it's not attractive to be that needy. Yes by all means show an interest, but don't keep asking if she's still up for it. Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks.

Yeah I know the needy thing is not good and I'm doing my best not to act like that. I guess my fear is that I'll get a little invested in the situation before we meet and then she'll be off out with someone else and I'll feel like an idiot for getting interested and stuff. Anyway I haven't contacted her since yesterday and I don't plan to now until she gets in touch. If she doesn't, I'll see how it goes.

I'm trying to keep my options open anyway by chatting to other girls and stuff. No point putting all my eggs in one basket at this point. In my experience, if you do that too soon, you often end up regretting it.

Kimia

I don't think its a question of you not accepting compliments OP. Sounds to me like you have a major problem with your self-esteem.

You sound like a nice guy - why automatically assume she'll go off with some guy, or that she doesn't like you, or that she's not texting you on purpose?

Have you been hurt before by this? If so, that's awful, but you shouldn't be projecting those fears on any other women or they will not want to get into anything with you = people sense when there is too much baggage.

Try to calm it down a bit. Stop overthinking. When someone says something nice, say thank you. Then forget about it. If she doesn't text you back straight away, or you don't hear from her, assume the good rather than the bad. It will make you happier in the long run.

And don't expect it to be easy inthe beginning and then give up because it's hard. It is hard. It's so hard to change behaviour and ways of thinking, but clearly this is not working for you anymore so you need to look at yourself and start making some changes. Best of luck, you will be fine. Be nice to yourself!!

LegacyUser

Just a bit of an update.

So we ended up meeting up/going out last night. I was nervous as hell before it, more so than I've been for other internet dates that I've been on. I'm not totally sure why though. It might have been as we had chatted quite a bit on the phone and MSN and everything so maybe I had more feeling like something was going to happen.

Anyway I wasn't sure if we were just going to spend an hour out or what, I sensed she wanted to stay out most of the night. We met up and ended up staying out till well after 3am, going to several different places. We got on very well, plenty of talking and laughing, no real awkward silences.

We spent the last 10-15 minutes snogging at the end of the night which was good. We'd had a few drinks but neither of us were hammered, just kind of tipsy and in good form which was nice.

So all in all, a good night. Some good laughs and my first snog in many years which was very enjoyable. Also just been in touch and we've agreed to go out again