I think I've lost myself

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post.... I'm just all over the place.

I was in a relationship with someone for over a year but he broke it off last September. I was heartbroken but eventually I thought I had moved on.
However about a month ago I realised I really wasn't. So for a long while I just waited for it to go away assuming it was just nostalgia. But it's not going anywhere. I'm missing him more as each day goes by rather than less. He also now thinks I'm a bitch for stupid, unjust reasons.
And now I think I've lost myself..my 'essence' or whatever. I was always the happy-go-lucky, the life and soul of things but it just seems to be gone.
I started college this year and obviously, there's alot of parties, drinking etc. and I was never really one to cry that much when I got drunk. Only occasionally. I was always on a high. However in the last three weeks any time I have gotten very drunk I've been in tears. Now I put that down to emotions being all over the place and not being in control but then I started drinking a bit less when I went out and I'd still cry. So I've lost the happiness-while-out factor.
Another example being last night. He was there and he didn't even acknowledge me- he knows that I still love him. But I decided to just ignore it and have a good time talking to people. That was fine only then everyone kind of started dancing or getting off with people or just running around drunk. So then I decided to just dance it off because that's what I always did. I danced when I was out, I loved to dance! But last night I couldn't. I felt so wrong. I felt wooden and horrible and just couldn't loosen out. I felt like that the last time I was out but I just shook that off thinking it was something else, it just dawned on me last night Another bit of me gone?
Someone refered to me as 'names's-ex last night and I actually couldn't breath for a moment. I felt like I'd been slapped.

I do still take enjoyment out of a lot of things, it just seems like there's this massive weight in me. My heart is literally aching.

I don't know who to talk to it about because it also seems my friends have just ****ed off on me
It was my birthday last week and I had my friends over before we went out and they all wanted to go to a club while I wanted to go to a particular bar. I decided to go to the club to keep them happy- but also because it was my 18th so I thought I might as well! But we went to the bar for a while first and then they all decided to head off and told me to follow - these are my best friends abandoning me on my birthday and I know birthday's aren't important to some, but anyone who knows me well enough knows that they are to me. Only my cousin stayed with me, who was the only one who actually asked where I would like to go and as we were walking to the club I realised-more of a realisation rather than a drunk 'oh!'- that the girls had all ****ed off and I said to my cousin that I didn't think I had many good friends anymore and she agreed saying she hadn't wanted to say anything but those girls really dont seem to give a toss. When we got to the club we tried to find the girls but they kept wandering off, finding better people I'm sure. The cuz and I feeling out of place just did shots, got insanely drunk and I ended up in tears over everything.. again.

It's not only when I'm out though. Sometimes I just sit at home crying. So many songs just set me off. Books, films, small references. Anything. Last night...as in a few hours ago I went to bed at three, exhausted but woke up at five and could not sleep, could not stop thinking about everything...eventually I just had to get up.

I'm still the happy one on the outside. People think I'm crazy, loud, happy. But it feels as though once people get to know me they get sick of me and can't be bothered anymore. I don't know what to do..
I don't know if I'm looking for advice i just wanted to talk I guess. Right now I really think the only thing that would cheer me up is getting back together with him.

LegacyUser

Hey there,
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I can totally relate to all of what you've written there, that was me 6 years ago.

I was in a relationship that ended very suddenly and I subsequently discovered that my ex had been seeing someone else for the month before we broke up.
I was in a bad way for a long time afterwards, like you anything and everything could set me off crying, I lost interest in my friends and having fun. Felt like I was detached from everything.

One thing that jumps out from your post is all the references to drinking and being drunk.
I know you're only 18 and life is for having fun, right? But believe me when I suggest the following.
Stop drinking, completely, for a few months. When you do that you are forced into discovering your real self. You have to dig deep and find your own "essence" as you described it.
No booze to paper over the cracks, ramp up your bravado or loosen the tongue and feet for dancing. Believe me when I say you will discover a whole new strength you didn't know you had inside you.
Drinking is probably the worst thing you can do when you're down, alcohol is a depressant anyway and it'll only drag you further into a miserable place, as proven by all the tears you shed when you're drunk.

When I was going through a similar situation I joined a gym and forced myself out the door to go three times a week. I joined an evening class and took up a new sport.
It made ALL the difference. I felt physically stronger and I firmly believe a strong body and a strong mind go hand-in-hand.
Now I'm no teetotaller, I like a drink but for that period of time knocking booze on the head and making a genuine effort to take care of myself was the best thing I could have done.

You can beat this feeling, you are far stronger than you think you are.