Lonely friend stealing GF at Xmas

LegacyUser

basically my girlfriend is friends with a Spanish girl whose family is in Spain and whose room mate has gone back to Spain so shes alone for christmas.

My girlfriend feeling sorry for went over to hers with me for xmas eve. We had planned to go to my families house and had to cancel the day before because my girlfriend's friend told my girlfriend she was lonely and didn't want to spend xmas alone.

That was fine and I completely understood and we said we'd get up at 9 and go to my parents house for xmas day the next morning. Then come the morning my girlfriends friend was completely delaying us and we didn't get to leave till 3pm (missed family xmas day lunch) So eventually we get to mine and spend the night. We had planned to go to the races for today but of course my girlfriend's friend txted my girlfriend and begged her to go the cinema with her for the day and once again stated she was lonely. She asked my girlfriend if it would just be her and my girlfriend as she didn't want to feel like a third wheel. O.K so I said fine because although disappointed I was sympathetic for my girlfriend's friend. My girlfriend at this point was slightly annoyed like me that her friend would in her words ''emotionally blackmail her like this' but she was sympathetic.

I just got a txt from my girlfriend just there saying her friend insisted they go back to hers for tea. So here I am waiting.


Now I know my girlfriends friend is alone but am I being completely unreasonable by wanting to spend the holidays with my girlfriend? I don't get much time off. And now its like Im spending the majority of my xmas alone instead.

dudara

This Spanish friend knows all too well what she's at - as evidenced by asking your girlfriend to come on her own. In addition, your GF seems to feel used in this situation.

CDfm

Of course you are not unreasonable. You are the person who is now spending Xmas alone.

Say the obvious - her mate had other options and could have gone home.

LegacyUser

she just txt me there to say her friend is crying again and my girlfriend can't leave yet. I've cooked dinner and everything (she was meant to be home ages ago)

My girlfriend said shes crying because she has no boyfriend and I am starting to get the feeling shes jealous of my girlfriend having a boyfriend to spend xmas with and so is stopping her but my girlfriend assures me 'shes not that type of girl'

I am actually upset because me and my girlfriend had been looking forward to xmas holidays for ages I feel sorry for my girlfriend as well because I know she was looking forward to today as well. She txt me saying she cant leave when her friends crying like this.

I just know the friend is going to ask my girlfriend to stay over tonight

Shin Bet

TXT your girlfriend and ask her to spend time with you as your girlfriend has left you on your own this christmas she might get the hint then.

CDfm

alonebutshudnb wrote: »

she just txt me there to say her friend is crying again and my girlfriend can't leave yet. I've cooked dinner and everything (she was meant to be home ages ago)

Why cant she bring her over to your place - thats the obvious solution.

No point in you being miserable - that makes perfect sense as it is one less person miserable

Nettie

She doesn't want to spend Christmas alone, so why would she think you'd be okay with it? She is being totally unreasonable.

Wurly

Nettie wrote: »

She doesn't want to spend Christmas alone, so why would she think you'd be okay with it? She is being totally unreasonable.

Yes, agreed. It is so unreasonable, therefore I think jealousy is the motivator here.

But at the same time.. Even if the girl is jealous, it doesn't make her a bad person. She's here by herself and she doesn't have a boyfriend like her friend does.. So she's trying to cling onto her. Not very fair on you two but I do kinda feel sorry for the friend a bit. Christmas can be a hard time for some people.

Dude - I dunno. Try talking to your girlfriend about this again. Explain that you think she's jealous and you understand why she would be. If it comes across like your emphatic towards the friend and not giving out about her, your girlfriend may listen to you more. Hopefully then, you'll get the result you want. Good luck.:)

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

Yes, agreed. It is so unreasonable, therefore I think jealousy is the motivator here.

But at the same time.. Even if the girl is jealous, it doesn't make her a bad person. She's here by herself and she doesn't have a boyfriend like her friend does.. So she's trying to cling onto her. Not very fair on you two but I do kinda feel sorry for the friend a bit. Christmas can be a hard time for some people.

I dont get this feeling sorry for her. It looks to me like the OP is being manipulated and it wouldnt surprise me if they are not quaffing a couple of bottles of vino.

Dude - I dunno. Try talking to your girlfriend about this again. Explain that you think she's jealous and you understand why she would be. If it comes across like your emphatic towards the friend and not giving out about her, your girlfriend may listen to you more. Hopefully then, you'll get the result you want.

They are not showing much empathy for the OP - I cant see much sympathy if it was the OP down in the pub with a lonely friend -which is the male equivalent.

Being left alone at Xmas is like being left alone on your birthday. The g/f needs to make more effort here and could say no if she wanted to.

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

I dont get this feeling sorry for her. It looks to me like the OP is being manipulated and it wouldnt surprise me if they are not quaffing a couple of bottles of vino.

I'm not saying it's not manipulatory. It most certainly is. All i'm saying is that I can see how the mate must be lonely. And that's not nice for anyone so thats why I felt a bit sorry for her. It still by no means condones what she has done.

They are not showing much empathy for the OP - I cant see much sympathy if it was the OP down in the pub with a lonely friend -which is the male equivalent.

Being left alone at Xmas is like being left alone on your birthday. The g/f needs to make more effort here and could say no if she wanted to.

Again I agree. But what I was saying is.. If the OP approaches the girlfriend from an emphatic point of view, he may get a better result. If he bitches about the friend and gives out, he may not.

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

I'm not saying it's not manipulatory. It most certainly is. All i'm saying is that I can see how the mate must be lonely. And that's not nice for anyone so thats why I felt a bit sorry for her. It still by no means condones what she has done.


Again I agree. But what I was saying is.. If the OP approaches the girlfriend from an emphatic point of view, he may get a better result. If he bitches about the friend and gives out, he may not.

Explain the part to me how being concillatory is such a good idea and how this simplifies the issue. The OPs posts are dripping with empathy and it hasnt done him any good.

The OP should think that his girlfriend would prioritise him comparatively rather than some randomer.

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

Explain the part to me how being concillatory is such a good idea and how this simplifies the issue. The OPs posts are dripping with empathy and it hasnt done him any good.

The OP should think that his girlfriend would prioritise him comparatively rather than some randomer.

Im just saying that he has a better chance of getting through to his girlfriend by being nice about it, rather than bitching about the friend. Sometimes when people are being given out to, it puts them on the defensive and then nothing gets solved.

I am 100% on the OP's side here. But I did feel a bit sorry for the friend with all her family away (even if she is being manipulative and jealous. Lonliness can make people behave in bizarre ways. The onus is on the girlfriend here to manage her time more correctly. He should try to talk to her again about that. But use the most non-confrontational method possible as he is likely to get a better result that way. For his own sake. I was offering the OP what I percieved to be the dynamic here e.g. jealousy. And if he understands the dynamic, he may be better equipped to sort it out with the girlfriend in the most amicable way possible.

That is all.

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

Im just saying that he has a better chance of getting through to his girlfriend by being nice about it, rather than bitching about the friend. Sometimes when people are being given out to, it puts them on the defensive and then nothing gets solved.

He should be very upfront with his girlfriend that he went to a lot of trouble. The problem with your approach is that its fixed until the next time. I would hate to be treated like that and there would have to be a good enough reason if my partner did that to me or me to her.

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

He should be very upfront with his girlfriend that he went to a lot of trouble. The problem with your approach is that its fixed until the next time. I would hate to be treated like that and there would have to be a good enough reason if my partner did that to me or me to her.

Yeah, fair point tbh.

I just think cracking the sh*ts over it would cause a lot more agro though.

Maybe if he took my approach for the initial talk.... And then took yours for the serious talk a day or two later.

I think that might work.

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

Yeah, fair point tbh.

I just think cracking the sh*ts over it would cause a lot more agro though.

Maybe if he took my approach for the initial talk.... And then took yours for the serious talk a day or two later.

I think that might work.

What benefit is there in being manipulatative back - its just emotional noise of soothing person to prevent a blow up.

The OP should say something like "Im upset because you have taken me for granted" and when she twaddles on about the friend say " Im more upset because you prioritised her in front of me"

cafecolour

Have you offered to have the friend join you? And if she says she doesn't want to be a third wheel, just tell her 'nonsense it'll be fine.'

If she's insisting on not being alone, but only having your girlfriend (and not you) accompany her, then she's far out of line. I'd almost wonder if it's your girlfriend she wants, and not a boyfriend.

Tell your girlfriend to tell her friend that she's given her enough time, and if she spends anymore time with her, she won't have a boyfriend either.

Or, option two, you have any single male friends who have nothing to do on christmas, and can put up with a needy spanish bitch?

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

What benefit is there in being manipulatative back - its just emotional noise of soothing person to prevent a blow up.

The OP should say something like "Im upset because you have taken me for granted" and when she twaddles on about the friend say " Im more upset because you prioritised her in front of me"

Okay, you're not getting what i'm saying at all. I'm not suggesting being manipulative back. That would be pretty retarded.

So i'm gonna leave it there. Agree to disagree and all that.:)

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

Okay, you're not getting what i'm saying at all. I'm not suggesting being manipulative back. That would be pretty retarded.

So i'm gonna leave it there. Agree to disagree and all that.:)

Sorry Tri - I am just putting down an alternative viewpoint and saying what the alternative might be -especially if its a regular thing. Its probably half way between the approach.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

What benefit is there in being manipulatative back - its just emotional noise of soothing person to prevent a blow up.

The OP should say something like "Im upset because you have taken me for granted" and when she twaddles on about the friend say " Im more upset because you prioritised her in front of me"

This is interesting. OP how good of a friend is this Spanish girl? Is she a very close friend of your OH's? If this is the case, this is something I always wonder about...should someone prioritise their boyfriend or girlfriend over their close friend? If I have a best friend and they meet someone and fall in love, do I automatically get demoted to position 2 of VIPs in their lives? Why does love in a sexual relationship become more important than platonic love between friends? What happens when they break up? I've seen boyfriends come and go among close friends but I'm still here and visa versa...there's an automatic assumption in our society that says you're OH always takes priority over close friends...it's interesting and another way to look at it.

When I read your post OP, I didn't see a girl (your OH) as acting selfishly and not taking your feelings into account, I thought, "Gosh, what a sound girlfriend and a good friend"...she's spending time with girl stuck in a different country on her own and that shows what a big heart she has. I'd side with Tri here and say your girlfriend doesn't deserve a hard time over this, in fact I'd probably love her more because of it. There's no way your OH can accommodate both of you without hurting one of you. Just my opinion.

Edit: Just to add, to say she's "stealing" your girlfriend implies that she is somehow yours. She is not a possession that can be stolen from you. She is your girlfriend and this girl's friend but also her own person who can do what she likes. I understand your feelings OP but you're also acting a little selfishly too. The only one that's acting selflessly in this situation is your girlfriend and she's the one I pity.

sadhbhc15

I've often thought about same - why is it that romantic love is often seen as superior to platonic love, as in if a close friend starts dating someone then (as you said Eve_Dublin) are you, as best friend, automatically pushed down the ladder? Now, personally speaking, my best friend has never put her boyfriend before me (which I would never demand anyway) and I would never put up with a fella who didn't respect the close friendship I have with her. But I have seen it happen with countless other friends. I think it's so sad that someone you've been going out with for a certain amount of time can come before a friend you've had for a very long time and who will be there for you long after. Just my 2cents anyway!

OP, I can totally understand your disappointment with your gf. I do think it's quite bad form that plans you and she had made were thrown out the window in favour of this other girl. Especially as she's not a very close, long-term friend of hers. It's a tough one though cos it shows some great qualities that your gf obviously has too - compassion, kindness, etc - and it's obvious her intentions were good, if somewhat misguided.

CDfm

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

When I read your post OP, I didn't see a girl (your OH) as acting selfishly and not taking your feelings into account, I thought, "Gosh, what a sound girlfriend and a good friend"...she's spending time with girl stuck in a different country on her own and that shows what a big heart she has. I'd side with Tri here and say your girlfriend doesn't deserve a hard time over this, in fact I'd probably love her more because of it. There's no way your OH can accommodate both of you without hurting one of you. Just my opinion.
.

I do think the girlfriend is being selfish and could have accomadated both by inviting the girl around. The only thing she would have to say is no to her.

I dont think it is a case of who you side with -but the OPs holidays are a limited commodity and he has a say on how he spends them and he didnt get this opportunity.. So I feel the OP is wrong to blame the friend for her need to be popular and helpful to an aquaintence.

Niall1975

Hey alone but shouldn't be if you haven't seen the film "single white female" i recommend you watch it.