when is it move in together time?

LegacyUser

well basically me and my bf have been together over four years now and its starting to get a bit to the stage for me of what happens next....
i should mention we are only 23 and 24,
i recently moved back home after finishing college where we spent a lot of time together, but now this has changed as he still lives at home-never moved out- which is a good distance away, and when ive offered moving out to be with him if he moves out too he is not up for it at all, instead he thinks its fine how things are!
now we have been very serious for the last four years but here we dont agree at all, we have our seperate friends so its not all clingy or anything but im just finding it hard to see where its going in the near future, but maybe im blinded by it!
any ideas or advice?

CDfm

You are the one that finished college so the change that has happened has been more to do with you rather than him.So you are the one who is more accustomed to change.

Are you working and does he work and are you suggesting moving in together?

It may very well be that you should make the move as it is something under your direct control.

brettdark

its a little odd him still wanting to be at home at 24, (when you say home do you mean with his parents or hometown)

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies!

to Brettdark: when i say home i mean at home with his parents in the place he grew up, never having moved out for college

to Cdfm: he too finished college with me, we met in college so have finished the same time, i'm currently getting work here and there but he has a more steady position, this though is in the city he lives in so therefore the idea of moving out would not interfere with his job!

to be honest i have brought up the subject a few times and it has caused arguments, but i even feel that it may be causing arguments in round about ways as its something that bothers me that we are spending more time apart and the fact that as i said it he seems perfectly happy with the situation as it is! and where as i just cant see right now where the relationship is going as in is it a case that he's not wanting to make the move now so is it a sign that he never will! of course the option is there for me just to move up to the city by myself to be close to him, but i feel as though this would be a wrong move because its me doing all the work for him just to have everything landed on his lap and more so even the fact financially this is not as feasible!

LegacyUser

ok here's how it is - u guys have been dating over four years, first big relationship - he doesn't want to take the next step, you do.

I'd say it's fairly clear from his attitude he doesn't want things to move forward, which they really should at this stage. Most relationships that started when you're young reach this point - it's either gonna be for good, or most likely, it's reached it's natural trail off.

sorry, but having been in the EXACT same situation - same age, same problem, same solution ie i had to move out to be with him/drive things on and it became clear after a few months it was time to get on with life urself.

I don't think moving to be with him is a good thing for yourself - it should be somethign you BOTH want to do, either both have to be involved, and sacrifice something, or it ends up beign you that makes the sacrifice and resentign him, and he resents that you gave up your desires/comfort for him.

for me this is the dealbreaker. have a chat, see whether he sees a future with you/is willing to move the relationship on. then be quite clear where you stand and what you want - sometimes you need to move in together to know whether it'll work or not, and at this stage, it's worth finding out now rather than killing time waiting and staying in a relationship that's not going where u both want it to. hope when you lay this clear from him, maybe he'll realise what he has and wont want to lose you, or ye part, and it's for the best and you can get on with ur life

CDfm

Hi OP - nice post.

There is a book about abusive relationships called that bitch. and I am not suggesting that yours is abusive at all. It has an interesting checklist on marriage while its not totally appropriate haver a peek and see where your relationship might be leading.

You are both starting out career wise so its very advanced.but what you are questioning is what he seees in the future for you both vs what you see.

The questionaire is about relationship planning. and you should have a look at it as it will help you analyse what you want out of the relationship and what he is prepared to give. etc http://www.venusthedarkside.com/PDF/DD.pdf

Dont over analyse just pick out the basic stuff thats appropriate to you. so keep away from the very advanced stuff.- look at the cheerful stuff..

Now I think he is right to focus on his career and having a job as nothing happens without money..

Best of luck OP and you sound really nice and I hope it works out.

LegacyUser

thanks again for the replies!

to Cdfm: thanks for the kind words and also you have given me a lot to think about, will look into the survey more, looks like with some thought put into it the conclusions could be very interesting!

to Guest2: think you hit the ball on the head with your comment, and it helps that you say were in this situation before too!

think that chat needs to be had...but maybe i'm just a bit weary of the outcome not being positive! but its great getting perspectives from the outside to help me get things clear for myself