Parents still in contact with my ex

LegacyUser

This has pissed me off royally. I broke off my relationship with my ex about 2 months ago. I loved the girl but things happened which lead me to loose the ability to trust her - something which 'the' major deal breaker for me.

My family was very fond of her and in retrospect I shouldn't have introduced her to them at all.

I was quite down when I broke up with her because I still loved her but knew it was never going to work and recently i've just been getting over it and getting on.

I was having a great Christmas evening relaxing in front of the television when my Mother comes in and says

"I know this might annoy you but I've sent a text message to *name*"

I'm ****ing fuming. This was a relationship between me and this girl, and now that we're finished we agreed to cut all ties. Where the **** does my Mother get the nerve in doing something like that...on this day of all occasions.

Excuses from my Dad were. She was quite fond of her, let it go.

Well ****ing excuse me. I don't mind seeing things from other peoples point of view, but how about someone seeing it from mine for once. It's hard enough getting over someone you love (even though I think you never do). You don't need reminding of it because it brings you down...and I KNOW that it will put a shadow on her evening as well. My family should respect the decision that we've come to...and if I'm not in contact with her neither should they.

Just to clarify. She's not 5 minutes down the road or anything. This girl lives on the other side of the country. She never sees my family and she might have visited the house maybe once every 2 months or so.

I'm extremely pissed off that nobody asked if this was ok with me or if how this would make me feel. I find it irritatingly stupid...and it pisses me off even more that people seem to think that I should be ok with this. I put up a strong front, but this is something that's deeply personal and very tender to me and I feel like no consideration was given to how it might affect me...or her for that matter. I may come off as sounding selfish, but I'm done being considerate of their feelings without any in return.

I can't get a clear opinion on this from anyone. It's this same bull**** attitude in this house that if someone does something that causes friction or annoys someone else, instead of accepting that what they did was stupid and apologising, the people in this house try and guilt the other for having basic ****ing human emotions. It's a typical trend in this house and no one wants to sympathize. God forbid.

Advice? Opinions?

dudara

I can see how you're feeling hurt, but your parents are allowed be friends with whomever they like. Your mother obviously liked this girl enough to want to send her a message today.

You talk a lot about being strong etc - it sounds like the stereotypical male "hold in it" attitude. Have you spoken to your mother about this breakup and why you're still hurting over it? You can't expect people to magically know what is going on.

Just remember though that you can't ask people to choose one side or another in a breakup - it's a childish thing to do.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

I can see how you're feeling hurt, but your parents are allowed be friends with whomever they like.

Friends? She's not her friend. A few conversations while she was visiting, yes, but nothing more. They've never spent any time together in a friendly way. My mother doesn't know the first thing about my ex as a person. Not only that, but we've been broken up for over 2 months and before that she hadn't been down in about a month. So that's 3 months without contact and she decides to send her sons ex girlfriend a text message on Christmas day?! My mother knows full well how I feel about the girl and the breakup, that's why she came in and announced it sheepishly...to the entire ****ing family.

You talk a lot about being strong etc - it sounds like the stereotypical male "hold in it" attitude. Have you spoken to your mother about this breakup and why you're still hurting over it? You can't expect people to magically know what is going on.

My mother was the person I confided in during the whole pre to post breakup period. She knows better than anyone how I feel.

Just remember though that you can't ask people to choose one side or another in a breakup - it's a childish thing to do.

With the thin relationship between my mother and my ex compared to the relationship in question and how even the smallest reminder affects me in some way - which she is aware of - I expect my mother to cop the **** on and respect that we've cut contact.

LegacyUser

Dearest dearest OP ,

My heartfelt sympathy and empathy go to you right now.

Your mother was *BANG* out of order.


How dare she.


Honestly. No excuses. B O O O !

CDfm

OP - you are the victim of an Irish Mammy.

I went thru a divorce and my folks had their friendships and battles on the side.

Suck it up -the girl is probably bright enough to just be pleasant and move on. You need to too and bring someone else home.

Kiera

I got a text from my ex's mother yesterday which i didnt like one bit. If i were you i'd delete her number from your mam's phone. I know this is sneaky but some of us dont want to hear from our ex's family.

King of Kings

i think you need to grow up and acept your mam can text who she likes.
If she was fond of you gf she is entitled to text her.

Kiera

King of Kings wrote: »

i think you need to grow up and acept your mam can text who she likes.
If she was fond of you gf she is entitled to text her.

Not if she is making her son so unhappy.

John Mason

personally OP, i think you are completely blowing this out of all portion.

my brother has split up with his two of his ex's years and years yet both of them still drop up to my parents to say Hi over the christmas period.

so what if your mother sent her a text message. what did your mothers text say "happy christmas, i wish you were my daughter rather then having him as a son "?

far enough if it was something like that i can understand you being upset but a happy christmas text is hardly the end of the world.

tommmy1979

dudara wrote: »

I can see how you're feeling hurt, but your parents are allowed be friends with whomever they like. Your mother obviously liked this girl enough to want to send her a message today.

You talk a lot about being strong etc - it sounds like the stereotypical male "hold in it" attitude. Have you spoken to your mother about this breakup and why you're still hurting over it? You can't expect people to magically know what is going on.

Just remember though that you can't ask people to choose one side or another in a breakup - it's a childish thing to do.

What sort of utopian world do you live in?

There are certain situations where a person cannot be friends with whomever they choose and this is one of those situations.

T

CDfm

Kiera wrote: »

Not if she is making her son so unhappy.

tommmy1979 wrote: »

What sort of utopian world do you live in?

There are certain situations where a person cannot be friends with whomever they choose and this is one of those situations.

T

You cant change other people and take on the my feelings are hurt bit. Your feelings are your own and I imagine your mother had her little dance. She probably tells you to eat your sprouts too.

Juist work on your reaction wth something like a "Jaysus Ma sometimes you just piss me off"

Now you dont say what the dealbreaker was - whatever it was infidelity and a few other things like being a certified nut - its your own business.If she does press dont worry about saying something like she was loosy in bed.

You need to laugh it off and dont let your mum know she is getting to you.

sitstill

My ex boyfriend's mother sent me a Christmas card. I thought it was a bit odd as my ex and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. But I sent one back as it would be impolite not to.

CDfm

sitstill wrote: »

My ex boyfriend's mother sent me a Christmas card. I thought it was a bit odd as my ex and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. But I sent one back as it would be impolite not to.

Thats being adult and well done.

Eve_Dublin

Just let it go OP. This is your mother, I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you. Your relationship or lack thereof with your ex is your business, not your mothers. Perhaps she thought she was the one for you and got a little sentimental on Christmas Day (perhaps she had a few glasses of sherry?). It's only a text OP, she didn't send her a Christmas present in the post and phone her to wish her a merry Christmas. Really, for the sake of peace, just let it go. What do you think you're going to achieve by getting angry? Whats done is done.

El_mariachi

My ex's (5 years ago) parents still talk to me, send xmas cards etc, we go for coffee or whatever when we are in town if I bump into them. Its not that big of a deal OP.
My and my Ex don't speak. We are not on good terms, but I am adult enough to separate her from her parents.

I never mention her to her parents, nor in conversation do they bring her up,as the friendship is between us.

Its a Merry Christmas message.

If it was something serious like she accused you of something and your parents sided with her, yeah fair enough, but its a Happy Christmas message.
As someone said, its the "Irish mammy" all over, she might want you to get back with the girl if she is really fond of her. Thats why she told you.

LegacyUser

I'm speaking from the other side. I have a child with my ex. Child has serious health issues, The grandmother of this child who I was extremely close to has simply just abandoned me. A Christmas card/text would have been nice to aknowledge my existence. In fact it would have made my Christmas

I dont know what your ex done but I cant imagine it was anything like what happened to me yet even though I was on the recieving end, I have not heard a word from her since this all happened.

Your mother is a grown woman and is free to choose who she wants to communicate with.

If you want to be treated like an adult you have to start acting like one

King of Kings

Kiera wrote: »

Not if she is making her son so unhappy.

but I can imagine while he was with his ex he encouraged the "fondness" between them - who wouldn't in fairness...now cos they broke up it's a bit much for him to expect they break it off too.

I have a few friends whose family (esp sisters) are finds with the ex. I'm very close with a friend ex - he isn't 100% on it but he introduced us and was delighted we got on for 3 years - he can't expect me to get rid just cos he has.
The same applies to family and ex's.

He needs to understand that his mam can be friends with his ex. anyway it was only a happy christmas text - you don't really need to rate highly in a persons book to receive one of them.

CDfm

There is something about christmas that forces us all together with our families and we all have our personal Jerry Springer moments. but Xmas is only once a year.

Catari Jaguar

wouldloveacard wrote: »

I'm speaking from the other side. I have a child with my ex. Child has serious health issues, The grandmother of this child who I was extremely close to has simply just abandoned me.

You had a relationship with her and she's family to your child. Your situation doesn't compare in anyway to the OPs.

OP, just take your mam's phone and delete your ex's number and any texts so your Mam can't reply.

She's meddling and it could hurt your ex as well as you.

CDfm

wouldloveacard wrote: »

I'm speaking from the other side. I have a child with my ex. Child has serious health issues, The grandmother of this child who I was extremely close to has simply just abandoned me. A Christmas card/text would have been nice to aknowledge my existence. In fact it would have made my Christmas

I dont think you need affirmation from your ex-s Mum. I dont know why on earth you should feel abandoned.. Your job is to be a good parent when and if you have access and custody. Nothing else.

El_mariachi

Lil Kitten wrote: »

OP, just take your mam's phone and delete your ex's number and any texts so your Mam can't reply.

She's meddling and it could hurt your ex as well as you.

And thats not meddling? You have no right to delete someones number from someone else phone. If your parents did that to you OP to stop you talking to someone you'd be pissed off.

Christ that's the most childish piece of advice I've seen yet.

Catari Jaguar

El_mariachi wrote: »

And thats not meddling? You have no right to delete someones number from someone else phone. If your parents did that to you OP to stop you talking to someone you'd be pissed off.

Christ that's the most childish piece of advice I've seen yet.

It's advice that was mentioned earlier.

So what if it's childish? Doesn't mean it's not a solution. OP is the one that wants his Mam to stop texting his ex. Problem solved.

It's not meddling if it's his problem.

CDfm

Lil Kitten wrote: »

It's not meddling if it's his problem.

Ok - families wind each other up and play games.

Its best for the OP to ignore his Ma because she is manipulating his emotions.-once he stops co-operating and letting her know it gets to him the game is over.

Its like a troll -who will leave once you stop feeding it.. Can he get rid of all her numbers every time something happens or does he stop reacting..

LegacyUser

You and your gf broke up, and by the sounds of it your mom really liked the girl. Why shouldn't she text her? Your mom probably felt bad about the whole breakup and who knows, wanted to show the girl that she had no hard feelings towards her.

I moved to Ireland to be with my now ex-husband. We were together 8 years and I was very close to his family. Since we split, and I have stayed in Ireland, I have not heard from them once. Not once. No phonecall to see how I am doing, no text to wish me a merry Christmas. Your mother sounds like a lovely woman and if I were you I'd calm down and just try to remember that even if your ex only saw your parents once in a while, there was obviously still an affection there, even if it was only small. And your break up would have probably affected your mom too. Obviously not as deeply as you, but still.

Wibbs

El_mariachi wrote: »

And thats not meddling? You have no right to delete someones number from someone else phone.

+1000 I mean what? Taking someone elses personal property and altering it? Sweet zombie.. I dunno. If someone did that to me they would be gone from my life so fast.

Moomoo1

like I said in the other thread (about the mass) it's a really sad day when basic human emotions like friendliness and kindness begin to be presented as those horrible crimes against humanity.

OP, your mother is allowed to congratulate whoever she wants, and to have an opinion on whoever she wants. Maybe it's your unresolved feelings towards the girl that are the problem here, not your mother's actions?

Firetrap

I think you're blowing things out of all proportion to be honest. A line that caught my eye in your original post was "My family was very fond of her and in retrospect I shouldn't have introduced her to them at all." Rightly or wrongly, you're coming across as a bit of a control freak. Your mum seemed to like your ex and possibly sent the text to her as the nice girl her son used to go out with. It's only a text - it's not as if she went out and bought her a present or even sent her a card.

LegacyUser

OP im feel for you.
i recently ended it with my ex as a serious breach of trust had been broken on her part and i knew i wasnt getting over it, i began to see her in a completely different light from what i fell in love with, so two months ago i called it a day. (hardest day ever, saying goodbye to someone u love and know loves u)
at the beginning of the relationship i pulled "mammy" to one side and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to get close to my lady, i had seen my mother get close to my sibling's partner and also seen the resulting fallout once the relationship went pearshaped. that meant no ringing one another, no texting, no visiting her in work. it was my relationship as far as i was concerned, not hers.
to be fair, she did what i asked.
what happens once i break it off with the lady-"mammy" visits her in work, rings and texts her. much like yourself i was absolutely fuming but tried to keep it in and be mature about it. until one day i thought no, this is not on.
so i pulled mammy to one side, listed all the things the girl did to hurt me, her only son, and questioned how on earth she still wants to put in so much effort into developing a relationship with this girl- her answer- i presumed ye were getting back together.
my advice, list out the things the girl did wrong/ offensive to you, and tell her you have no intension whatsoever of getting back with her, and a bit of family support from her to you is effort better spent than developing a relationship with your ex.

best of luck with it

silvervixen84

i broke up with my ex 3 1/2 years ago after going out for 4 years. I got on brilliantly with his parents and i still meet up with them a few times a year, however i don't go to their house when my ex is there, that's not fair on him. I think you break up with the person, not with their family/friends.

OP you need to calm down a bit, and maybe tell your mother if she's adamant on contacting your ex, not to flaunt it in front of you as it upsets you, and not to be telling your ex what you're up to as it's not your ex's business anymore.

I'm sure its not going to develop into a bosom buddy friendship if they're on opposite sides of the country.