I am suffering from jealousy

LegacyUser

I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be goodlooking (though I've been fairly lucky that way) ... I've only ever wanted to be a mother.

I'm 35. I wanted to have kids in my 20s and the boyfriends didn't. But I respected their feelings and stayed in relationships too long or eventually left over the kids issues. I haven't been the typical obsessive female, I met my partner and started trying to get pregnant at 31. It hasn't happened and the doctor has now recommended ivf... thats after I gave up coffee... after I gave up drinking... after I gave up junk food (even though I've always been a perfect size no matter what or how much I eat)... after I only started eating organic food even though we can't really afford it... after me and my partner even stopped using saliva as a lubricant and started using some specially designed chemical lubricant ****... after I made a point of getting myself off again after sex in the hopes my cervix would suck up some sperm..... you get the picture... we have changed our lives to try to get pregnant and mostly its been me alone in this experience explaining the details to him and still trying to be sexy... and meantime I'm feeling guilty for not being able to give him kids (his sperm count is normal)....

Tonight I met our friends who told me how they had got bored of each other sexually and hadn't had sex for six months til their wedding night and then got pregnant there and then and now have a beautiful baby boy.

I know life isn't fair and we all have our crosses to carry.... but I've been good, I've stood by and supported one of my best friends and her partner having four 'unplanned' babies in the past six years...

I'm not a negative person. I go to acupuncture to try to get pregnant and I spent an hour in a room alone stuck full of needles visualising what our kid would look like. I'm about to blow all the money I've ever saved (my savings, not his, he never had any) on ivf....

I don't believe in feeling jealous, I know we're all just ordinary people living our lives, I live a full life, I know its not all about babies... but I feel so hurt... tonight I can't contain it. Nothing has ever hurt so much and I've had my share so I know what I'm talking about.

Why is this so hard?

Dragan

It can be hell to be trapped in a body that just does not seem capable of helping us achieve our goals. I've only ever had one close personal friends who wanted to have a kid but was unable to, and it seemed like a terrible kind of sadness that settled in, a cold and lonely and personal thing....so i feel sorry for you OP, I really do.

Can't really say much else, except that in the place of the girl I knew, her husband also wanted a child...and the way they decided to go about it was adoption. It wasn't important to either of them to be the actual biological parents of the child...they just truly felt there love and there home was a good environment for a child, and that they could love the kid and be parents and family to it.

It's not a route of everyone obviously, but it might be something yourself and your partner could consider.

LegacyUser

Thanks Dragon.

They say you shouldn't adopt until you've finished grieving for the child you can't have so I know I'm not ready yet. And adopting costs about 20k. I'm about to spend the money I saved for a deposit on a house on ivf so we would have to then save again after that if it doesn't work.... thats even if my partner would be into adopting and I don't think he would. We're on thin ice already these days.

Maybe in a few years time but right now I'm just not ready for that. But thanks for your reply.