Why is this guy so confusing

jenny81

ok here goes, i met this guy over a month ago now and in fairness have only been on one date with him but after it he was txting and ringing me all the time saying how much he liked me etc saying he wanted to be with me and only me and really wanted to make a go of things and all, anyway this went on for few weeks and last week all of a sudden he went all cold on me and stopped ringing and txting, now if i txt him he will txt back, so the other day i got so f***ed off that i just said look if u dont wanna see me again then just say, which i think is a fair question cause i dont wanna waste my time, and he was like yeah i do im just busy lately and my head is a bit messed up and all. ive since asked him this question again and he is insisting he still wants to see me but is still cold with me, im so confused cause hes saying one thing but doing another, surely if he didnt want to see me he would have had his chance there and then to tell me where to go, any advice greatly appreciated, so, so confued

Warfi

Take what he's said at face value and just text him back saying 'I understand. Let me know when you're all sorted because I'd like to see you again. Happy christmas'. Then leave it. Go out and enjoy yourself. You can't hang around waiting for him, whether he's a decent guy or not.

Sephiroth_dude

Dont bother txting him anymore,the ball is in his court now.

kjl

Well look at it from his point of view,

He is a bit busy and suddenly this girl he has been on one date with starts reading the riot act because his isn't texting as much as he used to.

You need to calm down, I understand that you like him, but guys also don't like girls being too needy.

back off and let him come to you, rubber band theory remember.

jenny81

Thanks for the advice guys, im gonna "play it cool" as they say and if its not ment to be then so be it, im sure ill get over it, thanks again

Juicy

he's just not that into you lady. If he was into you it wouldnt matter how "busy" he was, he would still keep in contact with the odd txt. Imean come on...How long does it take to write a txt? Answer: about 30 seconds. Forget him.

4Xcut

I have to agree with the above post. People get busy, but not that busy.

CDfm

Maybe OP if you look at it another way. You met the guy a month ago and like a young bull out in a field he went gaga. He is all enthusiastic and puppylike.Would probably walk on hot coals if you asked him.

Now after a few weeks this enthusiasm wanes as its not really sustainable and the guy thinks I am expending all this emotional energy and the warm fuzzy glow wears off.

I think you may have played it cool already and it came across that you werent interested to him. Even the way you posted about him here makes it seem well "I dont want to waste my time and if someone better comes along Im gone"

So maybe his behavior is not confusing after all and it reflects your apparent disinterest. Yours on the other hand is -if you were interested in him you would have said hold on bucko not so fast butI had a lovely time and I would like to see you again.

So what it really comes down to is whether or not you would like to see him again and do you look on him as being boyfriend material.

The message he seems to have got is that you are not interested in him or are only to the extent you have no better offers. Dont you think at this stage he has worked this out.

G-Money

I have to agree with CDFM I think.

When I read your post I got the impression he was mad into you at the start and then thought you weren't interested and so decides to back off. Are you actually interested in this guy or is he just something to keep you busy until someone better comes along? It's not clear from your post.

I'm not saying you did this, but some girls will act disinterested in a guy they like as some sort of stupid immature test to see how much the guy will pursue them. Then they get all jealous and bitter and resentful if the guy loses interest.

To be honest, no guy worth his salt is going to sit there and put up with a load of crap and disinterest when there's a million other girls out there who he could meet.

I know myself I can be interested in a girl at the start, and I try to rein my enthusiasm in so as to not to appear too keen. But if I think she's not interested or is off out meeting other guys then I will lose interest almost immediately.

He could have stuff going on or perhaps he just lost interest or felt like you weren't into him/were seeing other guys and started the process of moving on.

jenny81

i am interested in him, thats the problem aswell, i really really like him and in fairness ive told him that i want to see him again and that i do like him, he has rang me once or twice since but hes not saying anything about meeting up or anything, my friends just keep telling me that he seemed really interested at the start and then when i was doing the same he backed off, as if he just got cold feet. thats why im confused, he knows i like him so its not that im not interested in him, he gives me the odd call, its like he just wants to keep contact just in case, i dunno, very frustrating at this stage cause im mad about him, hes such a lovely guy but i just feel totally led on at this stage

CDfm

So Jenny - ring him up and tell him that and ask him out.

If he doesnt make the time then he is an eejit.

No games as they do not become you

Eve_Dublin

It's funny what goes on the heads of women and men. Women are afraid to be seen as too eager in case they're seen as desperate or stepping out of their traditional role as the one being pursued so play it cool and then wonder why the man hasn't come running. Men need as much reassurance as the women that they like them before they step up their game...but you did say you told him you liked him and would like to see him again BUT just a question: do you think he might have come off more enthusiastic than you initially? Perhaps without even realising it you assumed the role as the one being pursued, sent out the wrong signals and now the guy feels like a bit of prat that he came over all enthusiastic after one date? I've done this myself in the past and only when I spoke to the guy about it did I realise that they just thought I didn't like them. This has actually happened very recently to me and there was a lot of confusion...I always thought I was a fairly modern-thinking woman but a part of me wants to sit back and be wooed....I've watched too many Hollywood Rom-Coms in the past obviously...hard to break a habit of a lifetime but you can do it!

As CDFM said, give the guy a call and tell him you like him. He sounded keen at the start so I guess you have to match your level of enthusiasm with his now.

jenny81

CDfm wrote: »

So Jenny - ring him up and tell him that and ask him out.

If he doesnt make the time then he is an eejit.

No games as they do not become you

i understand totally why u think i should just ring him but for some reason i just think hes totally backing off now, i didnt come across like a bunny boiler and i did make it clear that i liked him, maybe hes met someone else but then i ask myself why is he ringing me the odd time. im at the stage where im getting annoyed if u know what i mean so im sure i probably will ring him at some stage and ask him what the story is

Eve_Dublin

jenny81 wrote: »

i understand totally why u think i should just ring him but for some reason i just think hes totally backing off now, i didnt come across like a bunny boiler and i did make it clear that i liked him, maybe hes met someone else but then i ask myself why is he ringing me the odd time. im at the stage where im getting annoyed if u know what i mean so im sure i probably will ring him at some stage and ask him what the story is

How long ago was the last date?

jenny81

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

How long ago was the last date?

ah its over a month ago now, the way i see it if im not interested in someone ill just say it and not lead them on cause thats just not fair but he says he is but his actions say otherwise, i just really like him and its annoying cause he said all these things and now nothing or hardly anything

G-Money

When you say you made it clear to him that you liked him, can you tell us exactly what you said and did?

I'm just wondering if it's one of these cases where the woman thinks she's making things clear but in reality it's only clear to her and no-one else

jenny81

grandmaster wrote: »

When you say you made it clear to him that you liked him, can you tell us exactly what you said and did?

I'm just wondering if it's one of these cases where the woman thinks she's making things clear but in reality it's only clear to her and no-one else

basically i told him that i liked him and would love to meet up again, how clear can you get, and i said it more than once cause i was thinking the same for a while, that maybe he didnt think that i liked him

CDfm

jenny81 wrote: »

basically i told him that i liked him and would love to meet up again, how clear can you get, and i said it more than once cause i was thinking the same for a while, that maybe he didnt think that i liked him

Is there any reason why you cant invite him out.

nighthawk12

Please forget this fella he will break your heart.

jenny81

nighthawk12 wrote: »

Please forget this fella he will break your heart.

Dont like to admit it but i think your right.

CDfm

jenny81 wrote: »

Dont like to admit it but i think your right.

Jenny are you chickening out of calling him and asking him out???

Maybe if you like him you should ask as if both of you are equally shy dont you think its a missed opportunity.

jenny81

CDfm wrote: »

Jenny are you chickening out of calling him and asking him out???

Maybe if you like him you should ask as if both of you are equally shy dont you think its a missed opportunity.

hes not shy, believe me, i dont want to ask him cause i just dont think hes interested anymore, hes just gone totally cold with me altogether, the thing is im the type of person who just wants a yes or no, like if hes not interested well have the balls to just say it instead of playing games. im at the stage where i just want to txt him and say that i feel totally led on but all my friends keep saying not to cause then ill come across like a bunny boiler

littlefriend

Unfortunately, it seems he is just not interested. Delete his number and forget about him. He may not have actually said the words that he isn't interested but his actions make it clear that he isn't. Just cut your losses and move on.

CDfm

Well Jenny usually the hardest course of action is the right one.

Dont worry about your friends but worry about you. Totally forget the game playing as it will drive you nuts. I would not have the patience for it either.

Why not send him a text and say that you were disappointed not to hear from him over the Xmas and that if he intends to invite you out for the new year he would need to hurry up. Finish it with a smiley and forget about it. Its then out of your hands.

That way you will have made your point, given him the opportunity to come back and not appear desperate.

LegacyUser

In this case I think the phrase "actions speak louder than words" is pretty relevant. If he really wanted to meet up with you I think he would have by now. Its been over a month, thats a long time to wait for a second date. If by some chance there is something serious which means he can't meet up give him a chance to sort things out.

That means doing what has already been suggested, tell him when he gets things sorted out or/and if he would like to meet up sometime, to let you know. Then leave it be. No more contacting him. The ball is in his court. Don't wait around for him though, get out there and meet other people. Have fun. Sounds like a cliche but its absolutely true, Life is way too short to wait around for anyone!

jenny81

littlefriend wrote: »

Unfortunately, it seems he is just not interested. Delete his number and forget about him. He may not have actually said the words that he isn't interested but his actions make it clear that he isn't. Just cut your losses and move on.

your dead right, he just doesnt like me anymore for some reason, i just have to get over it, i just really liked him and hes not a scumbag or anything and he said some really nice things so i feel led on which is just so hurtfull and not fair

CDfm

I dont want to put a spoiler on things but I have a 16 year old daughter and an observation I have made is that girls often talk to their friends about potential boyfriends and are often in competition for the same boys in the same social group..

Is it possible you have said too much to your friends and somone has either been malicious or broken a confidence which could have brought around this sudden change of attitude.

jenny81

CDfm wrote: »

I dont want to put a spoiler on things but I have a 16 year old daughter and an observation I have made is that girls often talk to their friends about potential boyfriends and are often in competition for the same boys in the same social group..

Is it possible you have said too much to your friends and somone has either been malicious or broken a confidence which could have brought around this sudden change of attitude.

no definitly not, none of my friends know him, i just really liked him, its not fair

CDfm

jenny81 wrote: »

no definitly not, none of my friends know him, i just really liked him, its not fair

Well chalk it down - text or phone him or decide to move on.

Lots of things in life are out of your control and for whatever reason this may not be the time for him.

Chin up and concentrate your charms on New Years Eve.

jenny81

CDfm wrote: »

Well chalk it down - text or phone him or decide to move on.

Lots of things in life are out of your control and for whatever reason this may not be the time for him.

Chin up and concentrate your charms on New Years Eve.

thanks for all your advice, u have been very understanding, heres to a new year.

Chinafoot

CDfm wrote: »

I dont want to put a spoiler on things but I have a 16 year old daughter and an observation I have made is that girls often talk to their friends about potential boyfriends and are often in competition for the same boys in the same social group..

Is it possible you have said too much to your friends and somone has either been malicious or broken a confidence which could have brought around this sudden change of attitude.

Wow...your frame of a reference is a group of 16 year old girls. If thats what you base your advice on I'd suggest you speak to some grown up women, the type that aren't in school perhaps.

Jenny, you've made it clear that you like him and I certainly dont agree that your perceived disinterest is the reason he's gone cold. If anything, I got the impression that this disinterest is because he's gone cold.

I wouldn't text him again. You've told him how you feel and if you continue texting you'll only serve to push him further away. I'd leave things alone and if he gets in touch all well and good. If not, his loss.

sporina

hi OP, defo do not text him any mad messages...
maybe he is not interested and afraid to say so or maybe he has stuff going on at christmas that you do not know about. you never know - you do not know enough about him and xmas can be hard for some. what ever you have texted him last - just leave it at that. the ball is in his court - if he wants to text you he will. And you only went on one date. in the mean time - keep your dignity in tact and refrain from sending any nasty texts - he knows you like him - there is nothing else you can do. go out and have fun and if you dont hear from him your better off without him.

CDfm

Chinafoot wrote: »

Wow...your frame of a reference is a group of 16 year old girls. If thats what you base your advice on I'd suggest you speak to some grown up women, the type that aren't in school perhaps.

I used it as an example - believe it or not behavior does not change appreciably with age.

Chinafoot

CDfm wrote: »

I used it as an example - believe it or not behavior does not change appreciably with age.

LOL! There is an enormous difference between the behaviour of 16 year old girls and women in their mid to late 20s. I appreciate that this doesn't fit in with your rather skewed views on women, but it doesn't make it any less true.

OP, enjoy the rest of the christmas holidays and don't even think about him. You've said your piece, there's nothing else you can do.

CDfm

Chinafoot wrote: »

LOL! There is an enormous difference between the behaviour of 16 year old girls and women in their mid to late 20s. I appreciate that this doesn't fit in with your rather skewed views on women, but it doesn't make it any less true.

LOL Chinafoot there will of course be a difference socially but esssentially feelings and emotions are the same regardless of age as are the feelings of attraction and rejection.

I look at things in a simple way. Its not as if I have never had these experiences myself either.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

LOL Chinafoot there will of course be a difference socially but esssentially feelings and emotions are the same regardless of age as are the feelings of attraction and rejection.

I look at things in a simple way. Its not as if I have never had these experiences myself either.

In fairness CDFM the courting game has changed a LOT among my friends since I was 16. In fact, it's incomparable. I had boyfriends when I was 16 purely for the sake of having a boyfriend or because he played a guitar or because he because he liked me back and the pool of men we had a choice of was a lot smaller. I look for a little more (understatement) in a man now that I'm older and my tastes are a little more specialised...not one size fits all (or many) like in the past.

You're working on the presumption that "girls" (women?) are out to dissuade each other from finding a man because we want them ourselves. Ridiculous! My friends and I have grown up a lot since then and so have our tastes. I only want good things for my friends and if the OP was my friend and gave me a run down on this situation, I'd probably advice to give this head-wreaker a wide berth to save her from a broken heart, not out of any sort of spitefulness. Either that or give him a call, lay your cards on the table and sort this out once and for all. I've been in your situation and it's a head-wreak and you don't want to be going into the new year in this frame of mind. You sound like a nice person, don't let this knock your confidence in any way.

CDfm

I shall never be sophisticated - I better not tell my g/f as I have fooled her so far.

jenny81

I only want good things for my friends and if the OP was my friend and gave me a run down on this situation, I'd probably advice to give this head-wreaker a wide berth to save her from a broken heart, not out of any sort of spitefulness. Either that or give him a call, lay your cards on the table and sort this out once and for all. I've been in your situation and it's a head-wreak and you don't want to be going into the new year in this frame of mind. You sound like a nice person, don't let this knock your confidence in any way.[/quote]

ah thanks, head wreck is right, its all over the place, im just not going to be in contact with him(well try not to) and hopefully he will come to me but i really doubt it at this stage.