Can of worms re-opened

holly_johnson

*sigh* I'm not sure where to begin.
I've been given an awful shock. I've heard nothing from my birth mother for years. I haven't seen her since my wedding day 11 years ago when she did a runner half way through the day with no note or letter afterwards to explain. I wrote her several times, no reply (including telling her I was pregnant).
Then a Christmas card would arrive at my parents house with no note, just Merry Christmas. This would happen approx every 2 years. Like her conscience would get the better of her every so often.
I would write another letter, no reply.
The last card I got was about 2 years ago. I got really upset. She has two children, my brother & sister, whom I have never met. I had asked to meet them & she had said no. This has always really upset me.
Anyway, I wrote to her again after the last card, and watched the post box for ages waiting for a reply. No reply. I was devastated. I thought maybe she had moved and never got my letters.
Now I'm after getting another card yesterday. It would appear her husband died too.

What do I do? I'm so upset about this. I googled my brother & sister and found them, my sister is so pretty! I also discovered her husband died 2 years ago, and she never said a thing, and she has never moved, is still living in the same house I wrote all those letters to. I don't understand this woman.
I also have mobile numbers etc for them. I think I'm sick of pussyfooting around her and want to meet my siblings, but then I get scared.
Another Christmas where I'm spending it upset and thinking of people I will probably never know.

What would you do?

dollyk

omg i feel so sad for you, if my siblings were adults i would make contact with them, its not up to your bio parent, mother does,nt seem a suitable word to describe her "sorry". i would just stop letting her make your decisions and living by her ruls and start acting like an adult and make my own. if your siblings dont want to know you, which i doubt, well at least you know you have tried. lots of happy thought for you and your family at xmas time. dig deep and do what you feel is right for you no one else..;)

CathyMoran

Hugs.

The Big Red Button

It sounds like a pretty crappy situation alright

What age are her children? Would you consider trying to get in touch with them directly? Do you know if they know about you?

holly_johnson

Thanks for the replies and support guys. I'm still reeling from the shock.
My brother is 29 and my sister is 24 now.
I seriously doubt they know anything about me. I'd love to contact them directly but I'm afraid they'd want nothing to do with me, it'd be such a shock.
I think I might phone my birth mother in the New Year (rather than write where she can ignore it) and ask for a meeting or for the cards to stop for once and for all. I can't take this emotional turmoil.

kathy finn

hi , i would contact her in the new year and explain how u feel, i would tell her that if she does,nt tell ur siblings that u will ,u have a right to get to know them and them u.
good luck and a happy christmas to u....kathy

justagirl

holly_johnson wrote: »

Thanks for the replies and support guys. I'm still reeling from the shock.
My brother is 29 and my sister is 24 now.
I seriously doubt they know anything about me. I'd love to contact them directly but I'm afraid they'd want nothing to do with me, it'd be such a shock.
I think I might phone my birth mother in the New Year (rather than write where she can ignore it) and ask for a meeting or for the cards to stop for once and for all. I can't take this emotional turmoil.

This must be an emotional rollercoaster for you and my kindest wishes go out to you. Is there a possibility that your BM's husband did not know that she had given up a child for adoption? Did you ring your BM yet?

Only you know what the best thing for you is..and my heart goes out to you... if it was me (right now) I'd seriously consider contacting my siblings. Life is very short. Best of luck.

fluffy70

holly_johnson wrote: »

*sigh* I'm not sure where to begin.
I've been given an awful shock. I've heard nothing from my birth mother for years. I haven't seen her since my wedding day 11 years ago when she did a runner half way through the day with no note or letter afterwards to explain. I wrote her several times, no reply (including telling her I was pregnant).
Then a Christmas card would arrive at my parents house with no note, just Merry Christmas. This would happen approx every 2 years. Like her conscience would get the better of her every so often.
I would write another letter, no reply.
The last card I got was about 2 years ago. I got really upset. She has two children, my brother & sister, whom I have never met. I had asked to meet them & she had said no. This has always really upset me.
Anyway, I wrote to her again after the last card, and watched the post box for ages waiting for a reply. No reply. I was devastated. I thought maybe she had moved and never got my letters.
Now I'm after getting another card yesterday. It would appear her husband died too.

What do I do? I'm so upset about this. I googled my brother & sister and found them, my sister is so pretty! I also discovered her husband died 2 years ago, and she never said a thing, and she has never moved, is still living in the same house I wrote all those letters to. I don't understand this woman.
I also have mobile numbers etc for them. I think I'm sick of pussyfooting around her and want to meet my siblings, but then I get scared.
Another Christmas where I'm spending it upset and thinking of people I will probably never know.

What would you do?

I`d leave her alone.
Youvè also made a very weak attempt to contact her through the post in 11 yrs(PHONES EXIST THESE DAYS AS DOES GOOGLE) and your not saying if you send Christmas cards every yr.
How`s your conscience?
She has her reasons for her actions,right or wrong.
Maybe she`s as equally upset with your lack of communication by post,phone or email.
Youvè no idea what fuels her decisions.
Any contact could push her away even further.
Your siblings are the answer.
Contact them and if they want to talk to you then so be it.
Theres a really good chance you can bond with them and SLOWLY get back into your mothers life,if they agree.

The_Conductor

fluffy70 wrote: »

Your siblings are the answer.
Contact them and if they want to talk to you then so be it.
Theres a really good chance you can bond with them and SLOWLY get back into your mothers life,if they agree.

I disagree.
Its a reasonable assumption that Holly's birthmum has confided in at least one or possibly more of her other children. Its impossible to tell what their reaction was. I've been extremely (and unhappily) surprised- in some cases where you'd imagine siblings would be more than welcoming- they have been the polar opposite.

I think that in Ireland- when birthmum's married- and told their spouses about us- that we became an abstract concept- that somewhere out there, is a child....... Someone making contact- a fully grown adult, many years later- both shatters this concept, but also forces them to address the idea of this 'child'- which in many cases is something that they never thought they would have to do.

Siblings- perhaps in their 20s or 30s themselves- who knows how they might react to the sudden revelation of an older sibling?

I'd be very hesitant to anyone to suggest they could assume they'd be welcomed with open arms........ much as I'd love to imagine they might be.......

MJD01

Are you not entitled to have a relationship with your siblings in its own right? Do you have to answer to your birth mother for that? They are adults and can make up their own minds - why do you need permission to get in touch with them.
That is what goes through your head when things are not going according to the plan. I would suggest you contact the mother telling her you are going to contact them on a certain date and you are informing her as a courtesy and giving her the option of talking to her children about you. And then stick to the plan!! You also need to realise they have a stronger connection with her as they grew up with her and may view you as the enemy - but at least you would not be in limbo anymore.
Mary

MaryMagdalene

Hi Holly, just wondering where you are at now?

I have followed this tread but didn't really know what to say that would be of any use and I'm afraid I still don't

I do however agree with the others about your siblings, what have you got to lose at this stage? If they don't want to know now maybe they will in the future and maybe not, however you won't be in limbo. No one deserves that.

I wish you hapiness and peace whatever the outcome might be.

MeganM

smccarrick wrote: »

I disagree.
Its a reasonable assumption that Holly's birthmum has confided in at least one or possibly more of her other children. Its impossible to tell what their reaction was. I've been extremely (and unhappily) surprised- in some cases where you'd imagine siblings would be more than welcoming- they have been the polar opposite.

I think that in Ireland- when birthmum's married- and told their spouses about us- that we became an abstract concept- that somewhere out there, is a child....... Someone making contact- a fully grown adult, many years later- both shatters this concept, but also forces them to address the idea of this 'child'- which in many cases is something that they never thought they would have to do.

Siblings- perhaps in their 20s or 30s themselves- who knows how they might react to the sudden revelation of an older sibling?

I'd be very hesitant to anyone to suggest they could assume they'd be welcomed with open arms........ much as I'd love to imagine they might be.......

My mother had a son 28 years ago whom she gave up for adoption because of some family complications, she's regreted it ever since and has only in the last few years opened up to me the truth about my half brother Conner who pressumably lives in Waterford, I've never met him but i'm dying to! We've tried making contact but to no avail..

My family would welcome him with open arms, he's apart of us, i can't see how someone could reject their own flesh and blood. You might be under estimating some people.

And i noticed that this thread was posted years ago, does anyone know if she got in contact with her siblings? I really hope so.

holly_johnson

Thanks for all of the messages of support guys, I really appreciate them.
I left it alone over the Christmas as I didn't think I'd be able to think about it objectively then.
I'm going to start drafting a letter (which I will probably register to be sure it arrives) to her stating that I'd like to meet again, and that it would be lovely to see my sister & brother. I'll probably say something about them having the right to meet their sister & her daughter, and if I don't hear anything by x date then I will make contact with them myself.
Something along those lines but a bit less "demanding" and a bit more polite. I don't think a confrontational tone would get me anywhere.

justagirl

Best wishes to you and good luck with the letter.

MaryMagdalene

Good luck.

window_licker

I really hope it all works out for you, as harsh as it may sound, at least if u try and make contact with your brother and sister and they arent interested, you know where u stand, im not saying to give up, im just staying that u know which way u stand. If, by any chance they are unwelcoming, I would give them a chance to come around, because with your mother being the way she seems to be, I assume she has either told them a story about you and why she couldnt cope, or she hasnt told them about you at all, so be prepared for a shock from your siblings! Hope all works out for you hun, you seem like a really nice girl, and deserve a brother and sister you can turn to x