Family -v- my husband

Irishmuslim

salam. i have a problem that hasn´t gone away for over a year now!I can safely say that I have been quite unhappy this past year and i have cried for Ireland. I am married to my husband for a year and a half and my family refuse to accept him. He is muslim ( as am I- reverted 2 years ago). My family thinks that he controls me and that i have no friends because of him. My family still dont know that i am muslim ( i am still plucking up the courage to tell them). and because of this i have changed. i wear more modest clothes and i have no interest in drinking, or clubbing ( i lost this interest before i converted). anyway i am so torn. i love my family so much. my parents have doneso much for me and given me so much. but i´m not prepared to leave my husband for them and i don´t know what to do. It´s christmas now and they want me there without my husband. though my husband and i dont celebrate xmas we still put up decorations etc... ( because its my fave time of year). and i cant just leave ghim on his own. i am so so tired of this. I pray for the help of god. anyone in a similiar situation?

Kimia

Hi Op. I'm not in a similar situation but can you give us a little bit more information? For example, why do they think your husband controls you? Is it because you wear modest clothes and don't drink that much?

Why can't you tell them you're Muslim? Is it because they buy into stereotypes and you're afraid of being judged unfairly?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

That really is a hard situation to be in. Honestly, does you family have any reason to dislike your husband? Does he treat you badly? Is he a bully or mean or hurtful to you? Or, does he treat you with love and respect and supports you as you support him? Tell us a little more please.

I'm going to assume that your husband is a good husband because again I'm assuming that you would have mentioned it if he was a bad one. If that is correct then to put a name on it, your problem is racism. If your family dislikes him because of his religious or ethnic background that is racism. Racism is really just ignorance, what's the best way to deal with ignorance?- Education. If I were you and it was safe for all involved I would have him around them as much as possible, they will see for themselves how he treats you and they'll start looking at him as a man rather than as a muslim.

I know my parents would have heart failure if my little sister brought home a muslim man, not because they're bad people but because of all the negative stereotypes connected to Islam, they would be worried sick. However, I also know that if they saw for themselves that the relationship was built on love, respect and kindness they would soon accept that man.

Sorry if my post is confusing, what I'm trying to say is, would it be possible for your family to get to know him? Maybe once they do they'll see that you are happy and loved, they'll be happy to accept him, they're probably just worried.

Best of luck sweetie.

LegacyUser

reminds me of a story i heard about an irish father in the usa. the girl got with a chinese chap, a good lad, well educated and very pleasent anyway when the father finds out he goes insane, why don't you be with a good irish man. the girl replies you want me to be with one of those losers who you are friends with who spend all their time drinking...no thanks. haven't spoken since.

im no fan of religion tbh, don't know why you bothered to convert but thats your decision, throw your parents a moral dilemma, either they accept you for who you are or you never speak to them again. their response will sum up the type of people they are. good people would accept your choice.

castle

You need to put yourself in their shoes, I have daughter's who are young now but soon will not be so young,
If I seen them grow up in Ireland celebrating and believing in our Irish Xmas.Also watching them grow up in a way that they wore nice clothes which maybe shows a little more than I would want as a father, but they where brought up by us to dress what ever way they wanted. Also to have their own opinions and to be as equal as any person including men.
Then suddenly she began to see less of us started dressing the way her husband wanted stopped believing in the values that she grew up in.Now no longer having the same friend she grew up with as no longer suited to be her friends.
I am not really into religion and not sure if God/Alla does exist if he does then it is about time he did something to feed the poor people of this world. But if I saw my daughter been brain washed then I would also have an issue sorry to be so frank but I think this is the way your family see it.
Why can't you be a Muslim without having to cover your face which if you are not doing now but there is a chance you will.
People's religion should be in their head don't need to shout to the world about it.
I think you need to see it from your family's side(if you are allowed to think for yourself that is) there is a strong view in Ireland that Irish women who become Muslim no longer have the same rights that we as a country gave them when they got the vote . I believe you are as equal as any man including your husband and I hope you believe the same. best of luck

nmesisca

castle wrote: »

You need to put yourself in their shoes, I have daughter's who are young now but soon will not be so young,
If I seen them grow up in Ireland celebrating and believing in our Irish Xmas.Also watching them grow up in a way that they wore nice clothes which maybe shows a little more than I would want as a father, but they where brought up by us to dress what ever way they wanted. Also to have their own opinions and to be as equal as any person including men.
Then suddenly she began to see less of us started dressing the way her husband wanted stopped believing in the values that she grew up in.Now no longer having the same friend she grew up with as no longer suited to be her friends.
I am not really into religion and not sure if God/Alla does exist if he does then it is about time he did something to feed the poor people of this world. But if I saw my daughter been brain washed then I would also have an issue sorry to be so frank but I think this is the way your family see it.
Why can't you be a Muslim without having to cover your face which if you are not doing now but there is a chance you will.
People's religion should be in their head don't need to shout to the world about it.
I think you need to see it from your family's side(if you are allowed to think for yourself that is) there is a strong view in Ireland that Irish women who become Muslim no longer have the same rights that we as a country gave them when they got the vote . I believe you are as equal as any man including your husband and I hope you believe the same. best of luck

lots of assumptions man.
no one said anything about being brainwashed.
no one said anything about covering the face (and the majority of muslims don't do that anyways).
no one said she dresses the way the husband wants.

irishconvert

Wassalaam IrishMuslim,

I have sent you a PM but I just want to say that I highly recommend you come clean and tell your parents the truth. I am an Irish convert and was in a similar situation and this is what I did. I can say it was a big weight lifted from my shoulders.

Pete4779

Irishmuslim wrote: »

and because of this i have changed. i wear more modest clothes and i have no interest in drinking, or clubbing ( i lost this interest before i converted). anyway i am so torn.

I know plenty of Muslims that go to bars and clubs. it's not a big deal, unless you are partly attracted to him because of the conventional Islamic beliefs in some way. it is entirely possible to be in a club as a muslim with other muslims and non-muslims some drinking some not.

It is obviously more than just your husband that is an issue.

Birdsong

OP

you have to tell your parents and familiy that you have converted, no wonder they are against him, all they have seen is change in you how you dress, you don't go out but they don't know the full facts, you are a muslim, its not fair on you or them or your husband for this to be a secret.
Keeping something this big is so much stress & if your family know they will probably respect you for the commitment to your husband & his faith.
Let your family get to know your husband & vica versa, often this doesn't happen in mixed culture familys - get them talking and meeting as often as possible.
OP you are the common link here, you are going to have to work hard with all sides.

Toots

OP, how much do your family know about Islam? Is a lot of it the kind of thing they hear in the media? If they're not very well informed about it, maybe the best thing to do before you 'come out' as it were, is to educate them about your faith. When I was in school, I had a lot of Muslim friends, and one day our whole class were invited down to the mosque in clonskeagh to have a tour and learn more about Islam, everyone who we met was so lovely. Would this be something you could do with your family? I'm sure if your family were better informed and met some other Muslims, they'd see that their objections to your husband (assuming they're based on his beliefs) are totally irrational. I completely agree with IrishConvert, you will need to tell your family at some stage. Your faith is a huge part of you, and it's not doing you any good hiding it.

Red Alert

Sorry to hear that OP!

Case in point: every few weeks I go for lunch in the cafe in the mosque in Clonskeagh because it's convenient. Almost all the muslim lads I've met there have been bang on, and I will admit I was a bit apprehensive going there the first time. They were eager to hear about Catholocism and to tell me what they thought of Ireland, as well as many of them who were brought up here anyway. I was really pleasantly surprised, so maybe in time your family will be too. Life is too short to be closed-minded.

Taltos

Hi OP

I don't believe in religion in any form - just want that to be out there.

However - I do believe strongly in families, and from the little details you gave us I can see some issues.

1. You have not been honest with your parents over your choice of religion. Even while you were converting or considering converting they will want to have been informed.
2. Your husband is your family now as well. Your family have to understand that. Again maybe just be honest with them here. Maybe it is a communication thing.
3. Communication Issues - from 1 & 2.

Sit them down and explain the following.
Your choice of religion - yes it is your life and yes it is your choice but to have an open and two way dialog they need to feel involved. Maybe bring a 3rd party (friend who has gone thru a similar conversion).
Next explain to them calmly that you love your husband very much and their request to you to spend Christmas with them alone disrespects that love. How would they have reacted if one of their parents had made a similar request from them.
Just let them know how much their choice has hurt you. But stress that you will always love them - even if they cannot accept and love the person you have and are becoming.

Above all else try to keep the lines of communication open here. No matter how hard it will be. I am assuming that they are Catholic since it is Ireland - as such the 2 faiths do share a lot of similarities. Maybe they should speak with a priest they trust about the differences and similarities between the 2 religions.

However - I think you and they need to have a real serious talk about why they do not like your choice of partner and both sides need to be willing to hear some truths. Maybe they see something you do not - but maybe they just think they do and they need help to see that you are much happier now.