Seperate Bedrooms

LegacyUser

Just a vent...(and a very long one...apologies)

Hubby & I are in 'silent movie' mode. Relationship issues that I think are serious but he's playing the ostrich around, have been swept under the carpet, so we have a big elephant living with us all the time.

Last weekend (Fri) Mr goes out at 4pm and 'has' to meet these guys (as part of his professional duty) for pints. Fast fwd to 6.30am and there's me texting him to see where he is, momens before he arrives home. I kinda shrug it off and reckon the hangover will wreck his head without me having to do it for him. He sleeps in spare room

Sat, he leaves the house at 12pm to do a bit of work, about 5ish I get another 'have to meet so & so' duty call. I know who these guys are and have no problem with them, I also don't have fidelity issues with DH. Anyway, at 8 I text to see if he's coming home for dinner. He says he's playing it by ear and now I'm feeling p1ssed off as I'm sitting at home with the dog and the fukkin elephant that lives with us.

Roll on 6.30 am...I'm up, he's not home. I text and he's on his way. I have shower, he arrives in and goes to bed (in spare rm) I get dressed and tear him a new assh0le. he's "sorry" (btw, he drove home locked in his friend's car) I go about my day's business, we are invited to my parents for dinner, I go, he's too sick.

Sunday eve I get home to a very hungover husband who is too sick to talk let alone argue, he goes to bed at 7, I sleep in spare room.

Next morning I'm heading to Dublin (we live in the stix) on a stayover, I would usually stay with friends but am too sick of talking about my woes so I stay in a hotel. Get home today and the tension is awful. I can't bring myself to argue however I can't bring myself to speak to him either. My parents are coming here for xmas dinner (If they weren't I wouldn't even have decorated) and we have to get our **** together before then.

He's sorry, big swing, I don't even care. He doesn't wear a ball & chain & I have never expected him or would want him to. I'm not even sore about the weekend partying carry on, the hangovers are punishment enough (enough rope to hang himself)

I guess I'm just reacting to the fact I'm feeling hurt in the relationship, I consider it fractured to a degree and I've tried many times over the few years to broach the subject with him but no, head in sand. I bet I've taken many arseway routes in doing so but I wrote him a letter last summer to say 'This is last time I'm bringing this up, if you want to fix it, work with me, if not I'll never bring it up again & the danger then becomes us losing each other'. Somehow, this too managed to end up under our famous carpet.

Anyway, night 5 in separate rooms, tension & avoidance...I'm staying true to my promise (Threat?) of never bringing 'it' up again but I guess I'm punishing him by silently making 'this' situation about 'that' situation.

SIGhhhhhhhh!!!!

Blazer

Why are you still with this guy?
You say it's like this for years? Honesly, dump his ass.
If he hasn't copped on by now he's never going to.

Chocoholic84

Hey OP, your post confuses me slightly. You mention there's issues, and an "elephant", and then you go on to describe his nights on the tear...and then you say you're not that bothered about the them as hangovers are enough.

What are the under-lying issues that you mentioned first?

Regarding the drinking sessions, yeah that's excessive, going out @ 4pm, coming home at 06:30am - you say he did it 2 nights in a row - was it a "special" weekend or anything? If this was a one-off, I wouldn't be too hard on him! However if it's not...time to point him in the direction of AA.

5 nights in separate bedrooms is NOT good - if he refuses to talk about the problems, I would be seriously considering separation. Communication is the key to any relationship.

LegacyUser

Ah OP, thats pure BS so it is.

Sounds like you are at the end of your rope and I don't blame you. He is totally taking you for granted. You've given him many chances to shape up...could be time for him to ship out.

In my experience blokes like this don't change they just carry on pushing things further and further. He is looking for a doormat and that's not you.

I can tell by your writing. You can have a lot better future without this loser weighing you down.

What would be involved in getting rid of him.....?

LegacyUser

OP here..

Things really blew up this eve with me & hubby & I'm beside myself.

I suggested counselling and got the rolling of the eyes, though he does acknowledge we have a big problem (He notices we're living separate lives) He said "We have no home life together", I asked him to describe to me what he would consider a 'good' home life and I was met with a brick wall & annoyance, he can't express himself. I was trying to see from his perspective what a healthy situation would be so that even in identifying that much we'd have something to work towards, but no..apparently that's a headscratcher in his books.

The 'elephant' I refer to is our sex life. It hasn't been right since our honeymoon 4 years ago, but it was only ever my problem because he really wasn't pushed about sex and I was missing it and freaking out, feeling rejected.

These feelings have gone on a trajectory from rejection through to hurt, anger, sadness, paranoia, bitterness and all my feelings have been snowballing to this point. In the beginning I didn't deal with the problem well by freaking out..I think it pushed his head further into the sand. He never heard me saying it was the "why" no sex I was upset over and the feelings of rejection I was having and he thinks it was just all over the act of 'sex'. This is why I think we need counselling, because there are a lot of feelings getting confused and flying all over the place, we're not hearing each other and there's a lot of harmful misinterpretation going on. We're gonna get nowhere on our own.

Ohhhh...anyway, I just blew up when both my suggestions (both meant we'd have to TALK about it the problem) were met with shudders and knocked down, I said "fine, YOU suggest something, YOU make a decision, because nothing I have to offer seems to be viable, I'll make no decisions or suggestions, I'll just leave you to come up with some sort of plan) Suprise surprise, this didn't help.

I don't know what to do, my stomach is in a knot. I don't think I'm willing or ready to end our marriage or separate, I want to fix it & he says he does too, only he's resisting what I see to be a way forward for us...counselling.

How are we gonna get thru Christmas with my folks?

Emme

Christmaspoo wrote: »

The 'elephant' I refer to is our sex life. It hasn't been right since our honeymoon 4 years ago, but it was only ever my problem because he really wasn't pushed about sex and I was missing it and freaking out, feeling rejected.

These feelings have gone on a trajectory from rejection through to hurt, anger, sadness, paranoia, bitterness and all my feelings have been snowballing to this point. In the beginning I didn't deal with the problem well by freaking out..I think it pushed his head further into the sand. He never heard me saying it was the "why" no sex I was upset over and the feelings of rejection I was having and he thinks it was just all over the act of 'sex'. This is why I think we need counselling, because there are a lot of feelings getting confused and flying all over the place, we're not hearing each other and there's a lot of harmful misinterpretation going on. We're gonna get nowhere on our own.

I don't know what to do, my stomach is in a knot. I don't think I'm willing or ready to end our marriage or separate, I want to fix it & he says he does too, only he's resisting what I see to be a way forward for us...counselling.

If you want to fix your marriage you'll both have to go to counselling. I don't think there's any other way. I reckon your OH is in denial about something and the sooner it's out in the open the better. Unfortunately if this happens it could mean the end of your marriage. I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but he needs to be honest with himself and with you. It isn't fair to expect you to live in a marriage like this.

neuro-praxis

Cancel Christmas dinner with your parents. Tell them whatever you need to tell them to make it ok. Faking happy families is the last thing you need while trying to work through this with your husband.

PaddyInChelsea

Hi Christmaspoo. I'm replying to your thread, as promised, in my one. Sorry to hear what's going on in your marriage. One question that crossed my mind as I read your second post is, "How were things sexually before ye were married?" Has the lack of sex only become a factor since?

My wife and myself always gave each other a lot of space, and continue to do so. By that I mean, we both have a lot of good friends and we never need to ask each other's permission to go out with them etc. When we married, we agreed that it was important to hold onto our relationships with friends and not become insular. It's worked very well but, in the early years (pre-mobile phones), I sometimes went a little overboard, in that a few pints could end up a 3 o'clock in the morning job, with a visit back to some guy's house for one last drink. (You know how thirsty you'd be after leaving a pub :rolleyes:). It didn't take me long to realise, after a few tellings off from my wife, that this kind of behavior was a little OTT and I copped myself on.

But, reading your post, you husband seems a bit more reckless in that way. I saw early on that what I was doing was wrong (and it only happened a few times a year) but I think your hubby hasn't arrived at that point yet. I have to say that things would have changed for me anyway when the kids started to arrive. I take it that you don't have any yet. A wise woman once said to me that you're never really married until you have kids, meaning that you can both lead fairly independant lives up to that point but that it's all hands on deck when children arrive.

I'm not too pessimistic about your situation. Sometimes we men need a good funt up the ar*e to bring us to our senses. I think your hubby is in that zone at the moment. Are the friends he hangs out with single? Are they married without children? I think ye definitely need to see a counseller to bring him to his senses. But try to get across to him beforehand that ye need to do it as a couple and convince him that some "fault" on your part might rear its head also. I doubt if you'd get him to a counseller if he thought it was all about him, which, to be truthful, it seems to be.

He needs to be brough to his senses. Deep down, he has to know that ye can't continue the way ye're going. I'm not sure about cancelling Christmas dinner with your parents, as Neuro-praxis suggested, but, if you did, it'd be one hell of a wake up call for him.

Having said all that, I hope you get to enjoy Christmas. You deserve it.

Take care, P.

LegacyUser

Paddyinchelsea thank you for your time & thoughts.. I'm halfway through a bottle of gin at this point so forgive my not responding as well and as personally as I would like to because as I was reading your thread I found myself wanting to feckin know you!

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

One question that crossed my mind as I read your second post is, "How were things sexually before ye were married?" Has the lack of sex only become a factor since?

Before we married = rabbits

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

it was important to hold onto our relationships with friends and not become insular.

totally agree.. I don't want to be a "2 for 1" couple.. Hate that!

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

I have to say that things would have changed for me anyway when the kids started to arrive. I take it that you don't have any yet.

no sex = no kids...as a result I'm not at all willing to consider a family

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

I'm not too pessimistic about your situation. Sometimes we men need a good funt up the ar*e to bring us to our senses. I think your hubby is in that zone at the moment.

I didn't sign up to be a nag / kicker of asses / mother to anybody

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

Are the friends he hangs out with single?

no, but one guy has a fukked marriage too, ya'd think they'd chat about things but NO..two bleedin ostriches

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

I think ye definitely need to see a counseller to bring him to his senses. But try to get across to him beforehand that ye need to do it as a couple and convince him that some "fault" on your part might rear its head also.

totally agree, and I have my faults

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

I'm not sure about cancelling Christmas dinner with your parents

I won't be doing that, disaster, I would rather do my oscar wining performance, my parents don't need that **** now

PaddyInChelsea wrote: »

Having said all that, I hope you get to enjoy Christmas. You deserve it.
Take care, P.

Thank you P. I appreciate not only your perspective & comment, but your own worries, Thank you. I am registered on boards and maybe I will pm you with an update, if i have one, & when I sober up! x

G-Money

Sorry to hear about your troubles OP.

I have to be honest though and I didn't totally believe you when you said you didn't mind him going out and that "the hangovers were punishment enough" which suggests you feel like he deserves punishment for going out. If it didn't bother you, you wouldn't really be suggesting the hangovers are "punishment".

Setting that aside though, it's unfortunate to hear you's are having sex issues. I don't have much experience in these matters but it's weird that you's were at it like rabbits before getting married and since then, thats changed for him. I mean does he never want it now? Or he still does, just not as much?

I was completely confused by your references to a big elephant in the room but without saying what the issue actually was. I can tell it's annoying that he seems to be burying his head in the sand. But rather than confronting him or making ultimatums, is there a more gentle approach you could possibly take to get him to talk about it?

I guess some sort of relationship counselling could be good but I can see getting him to go along is going to be a challenge.

It's easy for me to say this as I'm not in your shoes, but maybe gently bring up the subject and try and find out what's wrong rather than being more confrontational about it. Perhaps he's stressed or something or he has some personal/performance issue and he feels avoidance is the best tactic. I know myself when I'm in a situation where I feel I don't want to do something for whatever reason, I tend to avoid that situation altogether.

I'm betting though the issue is just with him.

Anyway maybe approach the subject delicately and gently, but if things don't improve, at some point you'll have to do a few more drastic steps.

Good luck and all the best OP. Hope things work out for the both of you.

LegacyUser

Hi Xmaspoo,

Your post rang a few bells with me. Had the type of relationship you have now, whereby both people living seperate lives, no sex life and he refused to discuss/ackowledge any of the problems.

I identify with two things I see in you and I would like to give you my point of view.

I too remember being reluctanct to 'give up' and 'be beaten' etc etc Don't ask me why, its hard to see why now in retrospect. I was always just getting through another Christmas/family event/wedding/Easter/holiday etc etc etc

I realised after so amny years that nothing was changing ever. He didn't want to split up but he refused to ackowledge/discuss the problems. I also got the explosions and tantrums and denial rather than discuss anything. Its a defensive and diversionary tactic. So I was stuck in limbo, for a few years.

There will always be some occasion to be 'got through' and life passes in a heartbeat. It really does. What if he doesn't change and you are still here next Xmas in the same spot?
The year after? And after that? He may never change, he is refusing ncounselling....you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink y'know?

The only thing I can say to you its not the problems that will break you its the refusal to discuss it and the indifference to your pain.

One thing that struck me from your post is your iron willpower to sort it out. That wont work. He doesn't want to sort it and you yourself are refusing to see and acknowledge that. There is a bit of denial there with you. Your will alone is useless, it takes two. Two people voluntarily going together, talking and taking action.

I've been the Oscar winning actress (with the bottle of gin behind closed doors) and the only person I fooled was myself.

I missed my chance to have kids unfortunately due to dilly dallying too long with Mr Wrong. However thankfully I do have a new partner who would wipe the floor with my ex He is an adult who gives, doesn't just take. He is handsome and we have a normal healthy love life.

My ex was a coward/user and procrastinator. I won't brag on about the new guy but suffice to say do you really want to spend your good years flogging this dead horse of a relationship?

He doesn't want to fix it, he just wants to muddle on and for you to endure the status quo and stop bothering him with your 'demands' and normal expectations.

PaddyInChelsea

Hi OP. I'm wondering how things went for you over Christmas and if things have improved in any way. I replied to your PM. Hope you got it.