Christmas Melancholy

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Being the time of year that it is, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and feel like I've a huge void in my life. I'll give you a bit of context; I'm in final year of university doing a pretty worthless course, haven't had a part time job in over a year, despite looking everywhere for one, haven't had money... ever, never had a girlfriend and I feel like I'm slowly drifting away from the remainder of my mates. I'm 21.

I don't really know what to say but I've been feeling very depressed for the last couple of years, and find it ever harder to make new friends or even maintain conversation with acquaintances. I'm running out of ideas in general.

I feel I have no charisma, intelligence of wit; everything I say comes out wrong and I always seem to be offending people unintentionally. Its go to the stage now where I barely talk in front of people I don't know. I've never been in a relationship and it doesn't look like I'll ever be one (I'm a virgin too, which is literally killing me) I'm slowly turning into a nervous wreck also, dreading social occassions in case I make a tit of myself or get caught sitting or standing beside someone I don't know, afraid to make conversation with them.

So walking around Dublin this time of year doesn't help. of course there are the people worse off than me, the poor and destitute and all of that, but I also see a lot of happy couples and families, young men who seem to have achieved infinitely more than I ever will, and its making me depressed. What is missing in my life? Don't say self confidence, because that really is more than just a frame of mind. You either have that or not. Don't say all the platitudes like 'get stuck in there', because you and I know they mean absolutely nothing. There's something missing in me and I don't think I'll ever find it.

LegacyUser

Melancholic wrote: »

Don't say self confidence, because that really is more than just a frame of mind. You either have that or not. Don't say all the platitudes like 'get stuck in there', because you and I know they mean absolutely nothing. There's something missing in me and I don't think I'll ever find it.

You see thats where you're wrong.

Self confidence can easily be mistaken for the fearlessness of youth and maybe thats what you see around you but real self confidence only comes from DOING and succeeding and nobody has ever succeeded without failing a zillion times first.

So you have no choice except to TRY or to join the tiny minority who choose suicide, and as I get older I have less and less respect for that tiny minority (unless the had good reason, some do, and I'd never criticise them).

Its not easy for anyone, its not meant to be. This is a vale of tears but it has some great high points, which my mates who killed themselves (on a whim?) at 20 have sadly missed out on.

So, meantime, draw up a list of things you'd like to DO. That can range from climbing everest, which is achieveable (I met someone who did it), to asking out a girl you like (which the man I met who climbed everest was still unable to do), to starting a class, to liking yourself (more challenging than everest), to cleaning between the tiles around your shower (yes, difficult I know) and start DOING it.

Expect lots of failure.

By all means blow your brains out a 50 if the failures have outweighed the successes (oh sorry, actually the probably will have if you are anything like moi)... but at least then you can get some gratification from a lovely glass of rioja and the ability to lecture other folk...

And lets all sing it together:

"I could have been someone...."

"AND SO COULD... ........."

LegacyUser

But I never mentioned suicide...

LegacyUser

andwhynot wrote: »

You see thats where you're wrong.

Self confidence can easily be mistaken for the fearlessness of youth and maybe thats what you see around you but real self confidence only comes from DOING and succeeding and nobody has ever succeeded without failing a zillion times first.

So you have no choice except to TRY or to join the tiny minority who choose suicide, and as I get older I have less and less respect for that tiny minority (unless the had good reason, some do, and I'd never criticise them).

Its not easy for anyone, its not meant to be. This is a vale of tears but it has some great high points, which my mates who killed themselves (on a whim?) at 20 have sadly missed out on.

So, meantime, draw up a list of things you'd like to DO. That can range from climbing everest, which is achieveable (I met someone who did it), to asking out a girl you like (which the man I met who climbed everest was still unable to do), to starting a class, to liking yourself (more challenging than everest), to cleaning between the tiles around your shower (yes, difficult I know) and start DOING it.

Expect lots of failure.

By all means blow your brains out a 50 if the failures have outweighed the successes (oh sorry, actually the probably will have if you are anything like moi)... but at least then you can get some gratification from a lovely glass of rioja and the ability to lecture other folk...

And lets all sing it together:

"I could have been someone...."

"AND SO COULD... ........."

Wooooh, thats a bit harsh-i'm all for tough love but thats a bit much. No need to mention drastic things like suicide.
The op is clearly having a tough time and just wants some advice, telling him "get on with it or pull the trigger" isn't going to help at all!
As for the op, I know exactly how you feel, when I was your age I hadn't been with any women and had no confidence, infact my first kiss with a girl was when I was 20, now just 4 years later i've a girlfriend that I love very much and i'd consider myself a different person. How I changed I would say is a combination of seekin out different ways and luck! I started to change after I got a book called "change your life in 7 days", it was recommended by friends who had been in the same situation, I found it quite interesting and it really worked for me I thought, i'm not sayin it'd work for everyone! I will say I put off buying it for 3 years because I felt sad getting a book to help me, I felt I should get on with it like the other guy said, but if reading a book helps you to do that, o it's motion be embarrassed about.
And before people freak, i'm not saying buy a book it'll solve your problems, just giving my exp!
As for not knowing with your life, i'm finished college and in the same situation, it gets me down but i'm just hoping I realise what I do want soon

LegacyUser

A lot of people think that they say the wrongs things or they're different etc, they just don't talk about it openly in public. To be doing a degree is a great thing, its an achievement in itself. You're doing quite well, don't be too hard on yourself.

stressed out

OP if it's any consolation lots of people do a lot of soul searching around Christmastime. It's just that time of year. You tend to take stock of things around this time.

As the other poster said self confidence is not something you either have or you don't. Self confidnce is something that you can improve.
I think what you mean by that statement is you probably see some of your peers who seem naturally confident and it looks so easy and you pale in comparison. While some people have a good level of self confidence, the ones you think are self confident are sometimes the ones who aren't. They might be just very good at faking it.

Speaking from my point of view, as someone in their 30s, I am way more confident and outgoing than I was ever at your age now. I would never have believed I would have achieved so much when I was 21. So much seemed to be holding me back then. It was all in my head though.

I think you should look at 2010 as the year you take hold of your life and change the things that you're not happy with.
Start small though. It can be overwhelming if you have to do a major overhaul.
Start a new class. work on what you want to do with your career. Speak to the careers office in your college on what options are open to you. Go travelling. See if your college can arrange work placements abroad.
Anything really. You need to shake things up, as you're stuck in a rut.

Also maybe have a chat with your college counsellor as they can be really helpful in giving perspective and helping you deal with things.

And OP don't be too hard on yourself. You're 21. You're only at the start of your journey! Good luck.

cafecolour

I'll second that I'm far more together in my 30s than at 21.

Focus on a few things and work toward them. If you get stuck in the mentality that it's too late and everyone is ahead of you, you'll never get out of it.

And have patience. Day to day, it'll seem like you're not getting anywhere. 5 years later, you'll see the difference.