My Ex Girlfriend Texting and Meeting her Ex Boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hey going unregistered for this one.

Im 27 and my girlfriend is 26. I've been with her for the last 3 months and everything has been going really well. Im mad about her which ive never been before about someone.
Her ex boyfriend broke up with her about a year ago but they had been meeting up as friends with benefits right up until i met her.

Right from the start she was upfront about her past and that he wasnt right for her never treated her right etc but that they were still good friends as he was there for her when she went through a pretty hard time in her life which she did. She set the ex straight aswell when we started going out letting him know that they could only just be friends.

I was actually fine with it at the start because i thought it get to meet him and it could be a situation where were all hanging out or meeting up for drinks the odd time with other mates.

Anyway as the months went on they had only met up a 3 or 4 times and it was a case i wasnt invited. I began to bother me alot to the point where i confronted her about it saying simply that i dont have a problem with who she has in her life as long as i get to meet them and know them. I said that i felt like i wasnt being treated fairly and wanted to know why i wasnt introduced to him as she had met my male & female friends.

She said she asked him to before but he just felt uncomfortable and i told her if that the case he still has feelings for her and it wasnt cool with me that they met up unless i got to meet & know him. She said she wont see him again and agreed if the shoe was on the other foot she wud have been the same.
It was great after that as the air was cleared but she left her mobile in my house the other nite and shouldnt have done it i know but the curiosity got the better of me and i read a few text messages she sent to him over the past month prior to our conversation but still two months into our relationship. It basically was her telling him that she saw his facebook page and her heart sank when she saw a text from some girl. He replyed that it was nobody. Her next message to him was that she wanted him to he happy but not too happy and that she loved him.
There ws another text from him letting her know he was home the last time they met up saying he had a lovely time and thanking her for the xmas presents sent at 4.00am.

My head is wreaked to be honest cos it's seems she still has feelings for him but has chosen me but if he changed his mind i kinda think she wud go back to him after what i read.

Can anyone offer an opinion on this?

Thanks for reading.

P.S I dont want the whole you should have read her text i know it was wrong but wht do i do from here

Wurly

She's not over him. She won't get over him by meeting up with him.

So you're basically a 'filler' in place of the other dude.

I know it's awful to hear. But don't put up with this shoddy treatment. Frankly, it's disgusting. And you must know that you deserve better.

Walk away. Seriously. Leave her to regret how she treated you.

Barracudaincork

Tado wrote: »

Can anyone offer an opinion on this?

Yup, she is a lying bit*h! End of!!

Sorry OP but she is just playing you for a fool, and dont feel bad about checking her texts, good job you did, this way you know what a scheming cow she is and you can dump her ass!

I feel for you, being treated like that, but karma will see to all this dont you worry!

Dump her, delete her from your life and move on!

Kimia

She told him she loved him OP. What more do you need to know. If my boyfriend told another girl he loved her it would make my heart break into a million pieces - that is for me to hear and me alone.

Move on.

LegacyUser

Her next message to him was that she wanted him to he happy but not too happy and that she loved him

Sorry but what is she playing at?? She deffo has feelings for him if she is gutted that he is getting the attention of some other girls. I don’t know, I'm not trying to push you in any direction as it’s not my place but if it was me in your position, I'd be walking. She seems FAR to close to her ex and she seems to have a lot of baggage from that relationship still in her current life. It’s as if she is afraid to be alone and you'll do for now to keep her emotionally stable, but if the ex wanted to give it a go, I can’t help but feel that she'd drop you. Be cautious, she doesnt seem ready for her next relationship

PS don’t worry about the phone checking, anyone in your position would do the same

Gyalist

My Ex Girlfriend Texting and Meeting her Ex Boyfriend

If that is correct, I fail to see why you should consider it your business who she chooses to meet.

Kimia

Think it was a slip of the mind!

seahorse

I kind of have mixed feelings about this thread. How long was she with her ex-boyfriend?

ash23

I could deal with them being friends. But the fact of it is she is telling him she is gutted he is moving on and she loves him. She isn't necessarily cheating and since the conversation you had a month ago, she might not have seen him.


However, she is clearly not over her ex. That takes time. She may not have been cheating on you but those texts you mentioned, they sound like the kind of things I used to say to my ex when we were trying to stay friends but I was still in love with him and hurting over the split. And the truth is that at that time if he had wanted me, he could have had me. But he didn't so nothing happened.

I think he must have dumped her. And I think she still loves him. And while I think she cares about you, I also think you're her rebound guy and she'd drop you if the ex wanted her back.

You deserve better than being her stop gap.

Wibbs

I say this like a broken record but I do believe it's true; no relationship worth a damn has three people in it. Oh Im sure there are examples that do work but they're bloody rare in my experience. She has you and him and is making up the best out of the pair of you.

I am not saying someone shouldnt have mates, even close mates of the opposite sex, but there are limits to that. This woman has crossed it IMHO.

They're meeting at least once a month and you're not around? They're texting a fair bit too, behind your back and involve some intimacies and she's expressed that she feels uncomfortable when she saw him with another? Big red flag.

OK she may stay with you. She may even like/love you, but her heart is torn IMHO and you wont get the best of her or even close. I have seen three relationships almost exactly the same as this where an ex or another person was in someones thoughts while they were in a relationship. Two of those couples are still together. The BF/GF's never knew the degree of this, but they've missed out IMHO.

Yes every relationship is different and people differ within them, but I would say this is a difference too far.

LegacyUser

She was seeing him for 3 or 4 years and he was her 1st boyfriend. Still dont know what to do to be honest eveything has been great since our chat where i told her it was bothering me ! I just wish she could of been totally honest but think she was just sparing my feelings tbh.

Im totally head wreaked. The worst thing about it is part of me feels like trying to let it go and leave it in the past. Part of me wants to tell her where to go ! I dont wanna miss out on a good thing though !

Wibbs

Well 3 or 4 years is a big chunk of her life and he was her first love and all that. Maybe she just felt a pang of nostalgia for that time when she saw him with another woman?

OK yes she says she loved him, but TBH I take that somewhat with apinch of salt. I figure if she loved him romantically she would be with him romantically. So far so good, so I would keep your powder dry for the moment.

Now I re read your OP and see that these texts between them were before your chat, so apologies I missed that part. Again so far so good. If she keeps her distance from him grand. If she cant go without having him in her life I would then look at this afresh and see where you want to take it.

Say nothing for the moment basically.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the advice think i'll take it !

Shin Bet

Wibbs Id normally take your advide but here the situation is different

theyve been going out 3 months every other week shes meeting up with the ex and the op isnt invited

they were going out two months and she was telling the ex she loved him

they had been meeting up as friends with benifits right up till they met
so far my instinct here is they still are

op she still has feelings for him and him for her
thats obious by his reaction to her about the facebook thing
her telling him she loves him is a serious breech of trust

when did you have the talk it couldnt be that long ago if your only going out 3 months?? you feel the air is clear but it isnt.

you probably will be slated for reading her texts but thats the lesser of two evils here. theres some hard facts your going to have to face.
thats your gf is in love with her ex you cant just stop love they went out for a long time and have never cut contact to get over each other.

theres a strong chance they still are friends with benifits thats why your never invited.
I personally think you should finish with her asap to avoid your heart being broken in the future.
lay it all out to her everything you did shes probably just as scared knowing you could have loked at her phone with those messages on it also if thats whats on the phone what about fb messages and e mails ????
let her know you know everything and wait and see if she is prepared to cut contact fully thats fb friends e mails everything. if not then you know where you stand if she does you will have to trust her.
good luck

LegacyUser

Im meeting her tomorrow so gonna hav a think about it 2nite !

LegacyUser

hi OP, the same thing happened to me at start of my relationship, i always felt the exes presence as a thorn in my side.. First off, well done for being so mature about it, it must have hurt to see those messages, but you didn't confront her in a whiny clingy way, you stated you were ok with it as long as she includes you & she will respect you for that.
I've found that the worst thing you can do is get clingy and paranoid, it doesn't work and if anything, she will detach herself and lose respect for you.
If you really feel something for this girl then you should give it a chance..
It worked for me as soon as i made myself stop worrying about his ex and focused on me and him. we are now together 3 years and there's not a peep about the ex. And we're very happy
Good luck x

Pooh-bah

You should just end it before she does. She's never going to feel the same about you, don't get me wrong I'm sure your a great guy..but she's in love with her ex.It's a harsh reality but a reality none the less, sorry.

davyjose

Wibbs wrote: »

Well 3 or 4 years is a big chunk of her life and he was her first love and all that. Maybe she just felt a pang of nostalgia for that time when she saw him with another woman?

OK yes she says she loved him, but TBH I take that somewhat with apinch of salt. I figure if she loved him romantically she would be with him romantically. So far so good, so I would keep your powder dry for the moment.

Now I re read your OP and see that these texts between them were before your chat, so apologies I missed that part. Again so far so good. If she keeps her distance from him grand. If she cant go without having him in her life I would then look at this afresh and see where you want to take it.

Say nothing for the moment basically.

i have to agree with this. I think it's a pang of nostalgia. I wouldn't throw everything away over it just yet.
However, I wouldn't be afraid to say it to her. Tell her how you feel and how unacceptable it is to be seeing him behind your back.

ash23

Wibbs wrote: »

Well 3 or 4 years is a big chunk of her life and he was her first love and all that. Maybe she just felt a pang of nostalgia for that time when she saw him with another woman?

OK yes she says she loved him, but TBH I take that somewhat with apinch of salt. I figure if she loved him romantically she would be with him romantically. So far so good, so I would keep your powder dry for the moment.

Now I re read your OP and see that these texts between them were before your chat, so apologies I missed that part. Again so far so good. If she keeps her distance from him grand. If she cant go without having him in her life I would then look at this afresh and see where you want to take it.

Say nothing for the moment basically.

I'm not sure about that part. Who dumped who? Maybe she CANT be with him romantically because he doesn't want her?

The rest of it though, I agree with.

LegacyUser

He dumped her twice !

Wibbs

Riiiiight, in which case what ash23 mentioned could very well be in play. In which case you're possibly second best choice. It could explain all the meeting and txting etc. Possibly the FWB stuff was her hoping he would come around. OK it doesn't look great I have to say, but I'd still keep your powder dry. While not ideal she may well transfer all of her affections to you and leave the past behind. If it was me? I'd keep quiet, but I also wouldnt be to quick to dive in with both feet emotionally either. She would have to prove her worth for me.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Thanks for all the advice yee gave in December ! I just wanted to talk about this issue again as the issue is kinda still there. In the end i didnt mention the texts and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt as I felt she was worth it and mad about her given the chat the two of us had in December she promised she wouldnt see him anymore.

Everything was going great for a while as we went away together in January etc but over the past six to eight weeks or so i just dont feel the same for her. Everytime she updates her facebook status he comments on it and she's messaging back and then deleting it so i wont know she's sent him a message. Its bothering me because of what happened in the past and the fact that she's still contacting him.

Im finding im starting to loose interest in her and am taking my insecurities out on her by instead of confronting her about it, im acting cold towards her at times and not being the boyfriend i was at the start. We've been arguing alot lately about stupid things and in one argument she mentioned that she "stopped seeing him for me and how hard it was to do that and how her ex did nothing wrong just because he didnt want to be friends with me"

She does love me she always texting me letting me know and she wants to spend time together. However we have a very fiery relationship she has said she wasnt ready for a relationship when were fighting she has said we should break up but then changes her mind when we make up.

To be honest im in two minds on one hand i think i should tell her that it's bothering me and affecting our relationship that she's still in contact with him without coming across as ridiculously paranoid & jealous and try and work it out as i do understand that it was a serious relationship they had for 4 years and he was her 1st love and helped her through a tough time in her life.

On the other hand i think we should break up as a big part of me feels like i cant trust her. I never thought of myself as someone who had trust issues as ive never had them in past relationships however in this case too much has happened for me to feel secure i the knowledge that she is not still meeting up with him texting and calling him behind my back.

Any advice opinions?