Friends or lack there of

LegacyUser

I know theres so many people out there with much much worse problems than this and I feel a bit silly writing this but I could do with other peoples opinions so here it goes

I'm quite an introverted person and I do like my own company, I find it hard to make friends, which probably has alot to do with my difficulty in letting people in. I suffered with depression in the recent past and only told a handful of people because I find it incredibly hard to talk about any personal issues. I'm a woman in my mid 20's btw.

But the truth is I really wish I had more friends, so I've been making a conscious effort to keep in touch with existing friends, and getting in contact with older friends. Especially with the season thats in it - christmassy goodness and all that.

But I dont think its going too well. In the last two weeks alone I've :

1. asked two friends up for some christmas drinks - one couldn't because she was working, the other declined - I got the impression she declined because the other friend wasn't going. And I guess I feel a bit hurt that maybe she didnt feel I'd be enough company, or that it would be nice to have a chat just the two of us.

2. An old college friend has moved away, but I saw on facebook that she was coming back for Christmas. So I sent her an email to say "we should meet up if you have time, be great to see you" as this was someone I got on very well with during college. I got no reply. I told myself maybe she hasnt been online or seen it, but my newsfeed on facebook tells me otherwise.

3. Again, through facebook got in touch with an old workfriend, same story I send an email about meeting up etc and no reply.

I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm just feeling sorry for myself and over-reacting. I guess when I put the three instances together and them all happening in such close succession to each other so couldn't really be confused with an isolated incident. Maybe its me. Maybe I just don't know how to make or keep friends. Its not a nice feeling. I dont like feeling this way, I wish I didnt give a monkeys whether people liked me or not. I feel very vulnerable or something.

Sorry for the length of this, and if you made it this far thats very much for reading!

Kevster

Hi,

I'm male, 26 and have no friends either. I've been introverted for my entire life. It sometimes gets me down but I take the focus away from my introvertness by putting all of my effort into my studies. This is obviously a mistake in the long term, but i'm slowly coming around to the point where you are now - i.e. realising that I've got no friends!

Try to see this as a turning point tough. Granted, your old acquaintances might not be too keen to form strong friendship bonds with you, but you can still move forward and obtain new friends. Maybe this is like a new chapter in your life, one where you can leave everything in your past behind you; and take the new 'you' forward. The big positive is that you are clearly keen to make friends. There are many out there who are in a similar boat as you, myself included.

Take care,
Kevin

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can totally relate to you. I suffered depression in the recent past, and nobody knows that.
I have made good effort to keep in touch with friends, but I feel like it's a one way system most of the time. People get busy I guess. Like, you though, I wonder if I'm not fun enough or good to be around, therefore my friends dont' go that extra yard to meet up with me. and I wonder, like you, if they'd be more inclined to come along if 'the others were coming'.

I think the last poster was correct in that, you can now try to make new friends. You can do it. Try to find something you like doing, and take it from there. I also think, that sometimes these school/college friends change. We all change, and if we were all to go back to school/college we may not necessarily hang out with all of the same people.

chin up, you're not alone feeling like that. but maybe you need to stop caring, and just get out there meeting people!
Good luck

McChubbin

A social cripple here.


Growing up, I was utterly incapable of picking up on social cues or understanding the subtle nuances that are needed to form connections with people.
I still am too a certan extent (I have Asperger's Syndrome) but although I try hard, these days what it boils down to is the fact that my interests are not the same as most people.

I also suffer with severe abandonment issues which makes it hard for me to trust people and I've often felt that can't relate to people my own age. (21)
Aside from one internet 'pen-pal' I've known for the best part of a decade, I have no-one to hang out with on a regular basis and I envy people who seem to make friends effortlessly.

All I can offer on the subject of advice is to search around for hobbie clubs or meetings in the hopes of finding like-minded people. I'd say to try internet friendships first but these can be a bit on the dodgy side so you might wanna thread carefully.

Good luck!

_Buck Rogers

If you're mid twenties then I'm gonna assume that you went to college a few years ago, and if you haven't seen your college friends since then it's likely not you but rather they've just moved on in life to a point were their time is spent with more recent friends work etc.

For myself, When I left college I also stopped seeing 90% of my"college friends" which I was glad of. I was glad to be moving on. Anyway to get to the point what I did was I became closer friends with work mates etc.

A quick question, have you currently got a job or apart of any clubs? Its just that if you're not it'd be hard for anyone to befriend people.

cafecolour

Honestly, christmas is a mad busy time. Every one tends to be overbooked, so is often the worst time to try and get together.

Over the years, I'm someone who has slowly gone from fairly introverted and friendless to semi-extroverted and with a large circle. Two of the key things to that are not worry to much about what other people are thinking of you, and not over analyzing when other people say 'no'. Just keep trying different people until you click with some.

Finally, sometimes it's worth making the extra effort (and not always keeping track of if you're making more effort than someone else). For instance you say a friend didn't want to 'come up' to see you. How far is up? Could you have gone down?

Elbi

Hey guys

I agree with the above poster, christmas is a very busy time for people, most make lots of plans in advance so maybe people declining yer invites was just because they really couldnt make it,

I was wondering if there were any groups or clubs you could join to make more friends saying that I know it is very hard to make friends

AnonoBoy

A lot of people experience this sort of thing when they're out of college a few years.

Some people are lucky and they find themselves working in the same city as friends from college and so keep an active social circle going. Others move away or have friends move away and, depending on their job/circumstances, find it hard to make new friends.

It really can be challenging to make good friends otuside of college/school. You don't get to spend those long chunks of time hanging out and having fun that you did in college and organising drinks/cinema/whatever every so often isn't the same.

So OP - I feel for you. However if you take small steps. Try seeing you can arrange something with a workmate some night or if you take part in any clubs/sports mention a movie or a gig and see if anyone wants to go. Sometimes friends come from the most unlikely of sources.

Also - as for people not replying to emails. They could well intend to do so but in the Christmas rush have forgotten. You might find your returned friend could well drop you a mail over the holidays once the rush and hastle of getting back to Ireland is over and done with. Don't despair, I doubt they don't like you anymore - people can easily just fall into the 'out of sight, out of mind' trap.

LegacyUser

OP - I could have written that first post. Mid 20s, female, depression etc.

It is a difficult age as you tend to drift away from college friends - my own experience was that without the common ground of studying the same subject, often you can have very little in common that helps to bind different jobs / lifestyles / careers etc. together. I have tried to learn not to take it personally - people do just grow apart as cliched as it may sound.

I am unemployed at the moment and looking for a job, but I used to hate coming in on Mondays and everyone would be talking about what they did at the weekend - going out with friends to parties etc. and I would have to make up something as I couldn't tell the truth 'i didn't do anything really as i don't have any friends. i went to the cinema on my own, went shopping and read' - it wouldn't sound very exciting!

i do enjoy my own company and am quite introverted but I do miss having other social outlets. I have tried thinking of joining a club etc. but was never good at sports and a lot of the other typesa of clubs (drama etc.) just do not interest me. I know I need to make an effort though and I definitely think a job can be a good way to meet new people.

hang in there though OP - it can be hard to make new friends and is not as easy as some people make out - and it is certainly not a failing / in adequacy on your part

lil'bluestar

Hey Everyone,

I experienced similar problems of loneliness & lack of friends, my sister recommended the friends section of gumtree to me www.gumtree.ie. I found this very helpful and have since made three new friends, I am in regular contact with. It might be difficult at first & I guarantee there will be some weirdos but after a while you get to know people with similar interests.

I hope this helps people the way it helped me.

Thanks x x

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. Hope its ok to add a little update.

Things aren't much different since the last post. However I have been doing some soul searching. The old friends I talked about in my last post, I don't think I have much in common with them anymore. Sure we had lots to talk about when we were in secondary school/college but as others have said we're much different people now. It's a bit sad but I don't think we are friends anymore perhaps we're just acquaintances.

One old friend in particular, been friends since we were very young but when I really thought about it I dont think she is a very good friend really. Many times over the years she has made me feel quite ****ty and bad about myself, to a point that even thinking about all the situations had me crying. Basically shown me she doesnt really value my friendship or give a shíte really. I'm not even entirely sure why I put up with it, there was a lot of things I used to put up with especially when I was in my heavier depression, part of you genuinely doesn't think you deserve to be treated better. Well not anymore!! I don't need "friends" like that in my life anymore. I'm in a much better place mentally, feel stronger and more stable and I fully intend to stay that way!

Having been in counselling, what came up in discussion alot was aspects I want to change about myself. A large part of that is the way people treat me. I can be quiet and let people walk all over me. Now that I'm feeling better, I truly know now that my opinions and feelings are just as important as the next person. I deserve to be treated with respect. So basically now I feel, if you're meant to be my friend and you don't treat me with respect, don't bother answering emails/texts then féck you, I'm not going to take that shíte anymore.

To answer some questions asked unfortunately not working at the mo (made redundate) which is why I have so much times on my hands to overthink this. And with regards to clubs etc I'm not really into sports. But I have been doing night courses, trying to keep busy. I'm just going to go in with a more open attitude, if I get along with people then great if not well thats ok too.

There is a photography society that I was thinking about joining, I am really into photography. Do you think thats a good idea?

Have any other ideas?

Have you been in my situation? How did you get through it?

Sorry this is such a long post.

Thanks for reading

LegacyUser

Joining a photography club would be good.

Only other thing I could advise is just dont sweat it... Theres allot of people with little or no friends, me included. Try not to be too desperate...

And dont bother with your old "friends"

LegacyUser

Oh my god, OP and Sadgirl I could have written your posts myself. I have a thread about my situation at the moment, in the same boat as yourselves.
I grew apart from college friends and they don't invite me out or even reply to half my texts etc.
Sadgirl is spot on about getting embarrassed when people ask "What did you do at the weekend", and having to make stuff up.
I have tried the make-friends-with-coworkers road but I don't like to **** on my doorstep so to speak- any disagreements/gossip etc can be brought into the office and in my experience, if people can step on you in any way to get themselves higher up, they will.

It's a shame there aren't more meeting groups for people like us.

LegacyUser

Hello,
This post just caught my eye... I'm totally the same as you guys. late 20s, finding it hard to see friends, everyones' drifting. I come into work on a Monday, or any day for that matter and feel so crap for not having much to say except maybe 'oh I went to the gym, or I went swimming'. Most weekends I do very little. Most of my friends are settled, and there are one or two who are terrible for keeping in touch. as for meeting men, well jesus, I might as well be in a coma!

I'm in a job 1.5 years now, and so far have made no 'real' friends. Everyone's nice etc, but there's nobody in here who would be a life long friend. I'm not taking it personal, cos I know people are different and are at different places in life and people are no up for forming new friendships...

I've already tried joining a club but it fizzled. not my fault. I'm going to try again and see if there's something going on that might suit me. the other thing is, I'm living in Sligo, and there's not a whole pile going on it seems...

good luck to you. and maybe if you're all in Dublin or wherever, you could have a meet up even to chat for a while! :-)

santana75

nofriends321 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. Hope its ok to add a little update.

Things aren't much different since the last post. However I have been doing some soul searching. The old friends I talked about in my last post, I don't think I have much in common with them anymore. Sure we had lots to talk about when we were in secondary school/college but as others have said we're much different people now. It's a bit sad but I don't think we are friends anymore perhaps we're just acquaintances.

One old friend in particular, been friends since we were very young but when I really thought about it I dont think she is a very good friend really. Many times over the years she has made me feel quite ****ty and bad about myself, to a point that even thinking about all the situations had me crying. Basically shown me she doesnt really value my friendship or give a shíte really. I'm not even entirely sure why I put up with it, there was a lot of things I used to put up with especially when I was in my heavier depression, part of you genuinely doesn't think you deserve to be treated better. Well not anymore!! I don't need "friends" like that in my life anymore. I'm in a much better place mentally, feel stronger and more stable and I fully intend to stay that way!

Having been in counselling, what came up in discussion alot was aspects I want to change about myself. A large part of that is the way people treat me. I can be quiet and let people walk all over me. Now that I'm feeling better, I truly know now that my opinions and feelings are just as important as the next person. I deserve to be treated with respect. So basically now I feel, if you're meant to be my friend and you don't treat me with respect, don't bother answering emails/texts then féck you, I'm not going to take that shíte anymore.

To answer some questions asked unfortunately not working at the mo (made redundate) which is why I have so much times on my hands to overthink this. And with regards to clubs etc I'm not really into sports. But I have been doing night courses, trying to keep busy. I'm just going to go in with a more open attitude, if I get along with people then great if not well thats ok too.

There is a photography society that I was thinking about joining, I am really into photography. Do you think thats a good idea?

Have any other ideas?

Have you been in my situation? How did you get through it?

Sorry this is such a long post.

Thanks for reading

Hey OP,
DIT are conducting an evening photography course starting the middle of this month, check it out:

http://www.dit.ie/news/archive2010/artofphotography/

Im jealous, Id really love to this course myself but unfortunately I gotta work every wednesday evening.
Sounds like youre doing better than before and youve made some realisations about life and people. You really do have to teach people how they should treat you and not putting up with nonsense and mistreatment is part of that. If people dont text you back or respond to e-mails or calls then youre right, feck them. Unfortunately sometimes that means you'll be on your own but its better to be on your own than be mistreated or treated disrespectfully by those in your company. Which means sometimes you gotta go back to the drawing board and start from scratch to construct the life you want and to surround yourself with people who do show you respect and common courtesy. And it sounds like thats exactly what youre doing, so good job.
DIT also have a full time degree in Photography, so maybe...........

tenchi-fan

Hi op
I don't think you should necessarily hunt down old friends.. it might be a better idea to make some new ones.

I added an old friend from primary school on facebook. After a bit of catching up (on fb) he asked me "do you still have that gray coat!" Honestly, there's only so much reminiscing you can do! And we have nothing in common now.

Same with work.. a few convos of "does xxx still work there" or "do you remember the time the photocopier jammed" stories and you're just treading old ground.

The amount of old friends I met over xmas, swapped numbers with, and we never bothered to arrange to meet for that coffee we were talking about!

LegacyUser

Just want to say a huge thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it

In a weird way its comforting I'm not the only one in this situation. Just an awkward phase I guess -between college and work.

I'm just going to be more open to talking to new people and take it from there. I've taken a massive step back from older friends who honestly weren't very good for me to be around.

I'll update again, especially if I find ways to meet new people/friends etc!

Thanks Everyone !!