Just to tell me what to do

LegacyUser

Ok bit of background (i'm giving this optionally but i'd rather people read the rest and then judge). 18, living at home actively looking for work but can't find any. Full time college.

I feel that increasingly so my father is giving me jobs just to be able to tell me to do something and seems disappointed if he cannot tell me what to do. This is getting on my nerves but i want to make sure it's not just me and that i should just accept this. There's obviously the fact that it's his house his rules but that doesn't rule out the code of human dignity and respect/treatment to people living in your house.

I've come to hate getting calls from him because he starts them off with "ok here's what i want you to do" or "i have a job for you" or "are you listening? i want to 1: do this 2 do that" etc. I wouldn't mind if it was jumbled up in other things but that's all he seems to talk to me about.

Often he tells me to do things that i'm already obviously doing that would be completely condescending in any other situation. Other times he almost goes out of his way to save work for me such as leaving things of his own out in his car and then later on asking me to go out and get them for him. One example recently was a whole lot of fire equipment like logs and turf and coal and i snapped and asked why he didn't bring them in himself on the way in. He told me it was a dirty job and he didn't want to do it. That he did all the dirty jobs when he was young and once again went into the story of when he was young he was already out of the house and giving his mother money and so on. I left it at that and just got the bloody fire stuff.

Any time i come down and he's cooking dinner he uses it as an excuse to say "i'm cooking dinner what are you doing? you should do (it)" It being anything at his discretion. Yet we all cook our own dinner. He cooks by choice for my mother (and treats her like a god btw) and then expects me to do anything that needs to be done as i can obviously not be doing anything worth while which includes playing his online poker games which him and the mother are addicted to. Soon as they're home they're checking games they signed up to and playing them for the rest of the night. If he's jugging his GAME and dinner then no wonder his hands/time are tied up. Oh yeah and i can't request anything of him if i'm cooking something for him and the family.

Don't get me wrong... i'm very grateful my parents are even allowing me to stay in the house and i feel even guilty that i don't have a job to pay them back but it's the way that he assume that i'm his servant and then complains that he's the servant in the house if he decides to do work of his own accord. I think the thing which gets me the most is if he rings up and asks me to do something and i tell him it's already done and he replies as if he's disappointed and then goes silent until he thinks of some random other thing he wants me to do. It's like he doesn't actually need something to be done but just asks me just to tell me what to do.

I'm aware it's open to bias and opinion so i don't mind if you base your feed back on either or both.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

You sound like a great son I have to say. I am your parents age and I really think your Dad is being a bit blind here. It is right that everyone in the house should contribute as you already know from reading your post, but I think your father is overstepping whats fair and almost treating you with a bit of contempt.

He doesn't seem to thank you or even ask you nicely -that is very wrong. No wonder you're fed up.

What to do!?

Well you could try sitting him down and calmly and seriously explain to him that you are a human being, you understand things need to be done but you don't need him taking revenge on you for doing his chores in his youth. It wasn't so hard back in our day to get out of home. Yes, there was recession, but not this bad and there were good times too.

Do your best to explain that you don't have a problem doing your share but you're not accepting abuse and punishing talk when you have done nothing wrong. Say you wouldn't mind a word of thanks every now and then.

He may not listen but stick to your guns do your fair shre but not everything demanded.

Good luck

Danniboo

Hey OP,

Do you do your own washing share of chores etc, or is this the kind of stuff your father refers to. No offence but I think your father has every right to expect you to help out around the house. If he is constantly having to ask you to do things this could be the reason he seems to be a bit blunt about it. You refer to how he treats your mother like a god, does this bother you in some way as it kind of had that tone in your e-mail. Your parents are perfectly entitled to have a bit of fun time for themselves, if online gambling is there thing then that's there decision. Do you realise how very lucky you are to have parents who are supporting you financially through college and putting a roof over your head without you handing up a penny. I'm not having a go but you sound a bit spoilt. Maybe i'm wrong but unless he has you doing absolutely ridiculous chores I don't see what the problem is. Just remember if you were living away from home through college chances are you'd have to go to college, do all study, all projects, work weekends, look after all your own, housework, bills, washing, shopping etc.

snowy2008

your so lucky your dad is still around, my dad died really suddenly and all of a sudden all the things he asked me to do and i got annoyed at having to do seemed trivial, hes just being a dad, id cut off my right arm for one more day with him, just remember he loves you

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

I know this is annoying but I think all parents do this unfortunately, I know mine did when I lived at home! I think they feel the need to push us to be useful and productive, for our own good.

Why not pre-empt him and ask him to write a list of chores every day that he'd like you to do, at least you'll know what needs to be done without the infuriating telephone calls!! I used to go insane because my Mam used to come up at 7.30am when I was on holidays and list off chores to be done, sure I'd still be half-unconscious. When I woke up later I'd totally have forgotten what she asked, always a recipe for a row later in the day!

I'd do all the obvious chores and when she came home she'd say, oh no, you never polished the inside of the teapot (or whatever), and she'd never believe that I was asleep when she asked me.

We started a chore-list system and it defo made for easier living!

Dizzyblonde

It sounds as though your dad is trying to give you a sense of responsibility and letting you see that everything must be earned. He's just going a bit overboard with it.
I suggest you sit down with him and talk it over in an adult fashion. Tell him you'd like to know what you're expected to do on a weekly/daily basis. Tell him that once you know, you'll get on with it and he won't need to remind you. It will also give you a chance to prove how responsible and adult you are.

Siogfinsceal

Its a tough one it sounds like he wants to make you earn your keep by doing jobs for him and around the house as you are not working. Its fine but when its at all times of the day and accompanied by daft comments such as him cooking his own dinner by choice and giving out its bound to wind you up. When I used to live at home - even when I was working and paying to be there my mum just could never leave me be. If I was sat down for two minutes I'd be given jobs to do dusting/ cleaning etc its because my mum is cleaning obsessed and can never just sit down and relax she thinks everyone should be the same!

would it be worth talking to your dad and asking him that if there is anything he needs you to do that day or week that he tells you up front and you can get to it whenever suits that day or week? it might be better than getting constant calls and at least you could then plan your time.

LegacyUser

snowy2008 wrote: »

your so lucky your dad is still around, my dad died really suddenly and all of a sudden all the things he asked me to do and i got annoyed at having to do seemed trivial, hes just being a dad, id cut off my right arm for one more day with him, just remember he loves you

Oh thats a bit unfair IMO, I have no Dad or mother either, but i would never put that on someone, it is normal to have issues with parents that need sorting through its part of life, and emotional pressure should not be put on the OP in the form of guilt just because he would like a better relationship with his father.

I can understand why you said this but i dont think it is in the right context or helpful to the OP. As i said i have no parents, no family at all, I was abused as a child and had an awful life, but i never discount anothers pain or experience in fact i have compassion for a friend in their hour of need as others have done for me,

What if this was the OP's first time posting here and really needed a friend?

Danniboo

Personaltissues wrote: »

Oh thats a bit unfair IMO, I have no Dad or mother either, but i would never put that on someone, it is normal to have issues with parents that need sorting through its part of life, and emotional pressure should not be put on the OP in the form of guilt just because he would like a better relationship with his father.

I can understand why you said this but i dont think it is in the right context or helpful to the OP. As i said i have no parents, no family at all, I was abused as a child and had an awful life, but i never discount anothers pain or experience in fact i have compassion for a friend in their hour of need as others have done for me,

What if this was the OP's first time posting here and really needed a friend?

In a roundabout way your comments about your life should actually prove that the OP has it handier than he thinks.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

In a roundabout way your comments about your life should actually prove that the OP has it handier than he thinks.

Whats the point in having a personal issues forum then, everyones has a right to their issue to be heard, My point is that no one should use emotional guilt like that, pain is pain no matter how you look at it, someone once said to me well it could be worse you could be living in a third world country, it defeats the point of expressing your opinion and creating a dialogue about it, nothing gets solved without discussion, in my experience this kind of response is counter productive.

Danniboo

No need to get on the defence. It's productive in that you might realise you're being a bit unreasonable and that you're very lucky to have financial stability a roof over your head and parents who love you.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I'm sure you realise you're a lucky boy for having a lovely family, health, a roof over your head and shoes on your feet, I too am blessed like this but being reminded of that doesn't really solve the problem that your father is upsetting you does it?

So anyway, I'd do what other's have suggested; talk to him. Sit him down and tell him that you really appreciate him supporting you but that you feel like he's constantly angry at you. Tell him you'll gladly do whatever job he needs done but could he please try and ask you in a nicer way, or suggest a chore list. Just basically tell him that the way you two have been interacting lately has been getting you down as you feel like he's always angry at you. I'd say if you put it to him like that he'll listen. Just don't talk to him in an angry and accusary tone, don't start sentences with "you always", start your sentences with "I feel". That should help the conversation go easier when he realises that you're not trying to argue doing the chores just the way it is discussed.

Best of luck sweetie.

Wompa1

I'd just take it. It is his house and his rules. If your not working and living then you should pull your weight. My dad is like that too..luckily I have a job and never go home!!