Still Living with Ex

LegacyUser

I don't know were to start really without sounding like a total idiot. I was in a relationship with my ex for a couple of years but we decided to call it quits two years ago but have stayed very good friends. He is now in another relationship with another woman but they don't live together.
Now this is were it all gets tricky as he's still lives with me. Our relationship is 100% platonic. He goes to see his partner at weekends and she never questions; or so it seems were he's living. I'm sure if she knew she wouldn't be happy with the arrangement.
I've asked him numerous times why he's not living with her and he says they basically couldn't live together.
Everybody I've spoken to thinks I'm being taking for a mug. I'm just annoyed he hasn't told this woman that he's living with me.
Am I stupid to think another woman wouldn't mind her partner sharing a house with his ex.

Barracudaincork

No your not stupid for thinking she may be annoyed, however i do think you are stupid for thinking its any of your business. He is your ex and he can do and say what he likes, get over it! Treat him like the flatmate he is and keep your nose out of his relationship.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but i really think it needed to be said!

Emme

Livingwith wrote: »

I don't know were to start really without sounding like a total idiot. I was in a relationship with my ex for a couple of years but we decided to call it quits two years ago but have stayed very good friends. He is now in another relationship with another woman but they don't live together.
Now this is were it all gets tricky as he's still lives with me. Our relationship is 100% platonic. He goes to see his partner at weekends and she never questions; or so it seems were he's living. I'm sure if she knew she wouldn't be happy with the arrangement.
I've asked him numerous times why he's not living with her and he says they basically couldn't live together.
Everybody I've spoken to thinks I'm being taking for a mug. I'm just annoyed he hasn't told this woman that he's living with me.
Am I stupid to think another woman wouldn't mind her partner sharing a house with his ex.

If you own the house/apartment and are paying most of the bills yes you are being taken for a mug. If he's paying his share you're not. Most women wouldn't like it if their boyfriend was still living with an ex.

He doesn't seem to think much of this woman - he says he can't live with her but he can live with you. In a way he's like a cheating husband in a marriage with no s*x - he gets the friendship and companionship from you and the rest from his girlfriend.

Why haven't you moved on and found somebody? It's great that you're friends with your ex but that could be stopping you from getting out there and meeting someone else.

Wurly

Livingwith wrote: »

I don't know were to start really without sounding like a total idiot. I was in a relationship with my ex for a couple of years but we decided to call it quits two years ago but have stayed very good friends. He is now in another relationship with another woman but they don't live together.
Now this is were it all gets tricky as he's still lives with me. Our relationship is 100% platonic. He goes to see his partner at weekends and she never questions; or so it seems were he's living. I'm sure if she knew she wouldn't be happy with the arrangement.
I've asked him numerous times why he's not living with her and he says they basically couldn't live together.
Everybody I've spoken to thinks I'm being taking for a mug. I'm just annoyed he hasn't told this woman that he's living with me.
Am I stupid to think another woman wouldn't mind her partner sharing a house with his ex.

You're not being taken for a mug - it doesn't have anything to do with you.

If he for whatever reason isn't being straight with his girlfriend, then that's his problem, not yours.

ManOfMystery

I don't understand why you think you're being taken for a mug? He's your ex. You no longer have any say in what he does. He's free to see whoever he likes. At least he's not bringing her back to yours and flaunting their relationship in front of you, I've known a few guys with absolutely no tact who have even done that.

LegacyUser

think it's a strange set up, but if it is one hundred percent platonic then its not really your concern.
you are bing taken for a mug depending on if you paying the bills or if its shared, if its shared appreciate the help and if it's not, then think you need to re-address his input into bills etc because otherwise it seems strange

SarahMc

How do you know he hasn't told her? Are you living together because you have to (negative equity etc?) If not, I suggest you move out as you are clearly still emotionally invested in this guy.

Rented Mule

Invite him to bring her over for dinner.

It wouldn't be a bad idea for the three of you to clear the air in a relaxed honest setting.

cafecolour

Livingwith wrote: »

Everybody I've spoken to thinks I'm being taking for a mug. I'm just annoyed he hasn't told this woman that he's living with me.

This reads to me that you're still into him. Move out.

LegacyUser

Hi op here again. The house we live in is mine. He has no ties to it whatsoever. He has his own home but rented it out a couple of years ago as we decided it would be best to live in mine as it was on the doorstep to were we both worked.

My main gripe was why he hadn't moved out and in with his partner. The reason we broke up in the first place was over his relationship with her.

Emme, asked the question of why haven't moved on. The answer to that is even though he is with this other woman he seems to be consistently around me hence I don't seem to get a chance to get out and about.

Writing these posts has helped me see how silly the situation is. I'm cringing when I actually read over what I've typed. Tonight I am going to sit down and ask him to leave. Thanks for all your replies.

Emme

Livingwith wrote: »

Hi op here again. The house we live in is mine. He has no ties to it whatsoever. He has his own home but rented it out a couple of years ago as we decided it would be best to live in mine as it was on the doorstep to were we both worked.

My main gripe was why he hadn't moved out and in with his partner. The reason we broke up in the first place was over his relationship with her.

I can't believe you let him stay in your house after that! :eek: I'd have thrown him out and let him either go back to his own house and commute or move in with his new partner. He's been getting rent from his house and probably paying you less than that as rent (I hope he has been paying your rent) and living a stones throw from where he works. Then he sees his girlfriend at weekends. Sorry, but both he and his girlfriend have been taking you for a mug. No wonder he hasn't introduced her to you - she wouldn't be able to look you in the eye!

Livingwith wrote: »

Emme, asked the question of why haven't moved on. The answer to that is even though he is with this other woman he seems to be consistently around me hence I don't seem to get a chance to get out and about.

He's only around you because you allow it. Tell him to get lost, you need to have a life as well. Were you secretly hoping he'd leave her and come back to you? Is that why you let him stay in your house for so long? What do you do when he's with his girlfriend?

Livingwith wrote: »

Writing these posts has helped me see how silly the situation is. I'm cringing when I actually read over what I've typed. Tonight I am going to sit down and ask him to leave. Thanks for all your replies.

I think that's a good thing to do. Tell him to leave as soon as possible but by law he can stay for another month if he's paying you rent. If he's not paying you rent or making any tangible contribution you can kick him out before Christmas! He might moaning and say you're heartless, I thought we were friends blah blah blah but stand your ground. Accept no excuses. Tell him to go to his girlfriend for Christmas and you don't want him around. He can live with her in the meantime and collect his stuff from you when he finds somewhere definite to stay. It's his hard luck if he can't get on with her well enough to live with her. Why should you suffer the consequences and put your life on hold!

Kimia

I'm of the same mind as Emme - he cheated on you with this girl and you let him stay in YOUR house???????????? :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

Sorry I'm just so so shocked at this. He needs to leave ASAP, you have been FAR too nice to him. Wow.

Miss Fluff

What a ridiculously unhealthy set-up!!! How the hell could you have put up with that????:eek: Kick him to the curb. Give him a months' notice and tell him to look for somewhere new to live.

LegacyUser

Even though he had been having an affair with his latest partner she never knew I existed and still doesn't. I have no intention of ever telling this woman.

I cannot genuinely pin point how the situation got this far out of hand but it seems over time it has. He told me she invited him to her house for Christmas dinner and he didn't want to go as he didn't want to be caught up in a family situation. He had plans on staying in my house Christmas Day and then going off on a break with her the following.

Emme, normally he meets his partner on a Saturday and comes back on Sunday so there is very little time in between.

Many times I have felt physically sick at what is going on but these days I just feel numb.

Wurly

Livingwith wrote: »

Even though he had been having an affair with his latest partner she never knew I existed and still doesn't. I have no intention of ever telling this woman.

Yeah and that's all grand. But you're still letting the man that cheated on you live in your house!!!!!

Just one question. Why?

Kimia

Why are you letting him do this to you OP? He cheats on you, pretends you don't exist, lives in your house, etc - why don't you kick him out? You have been treated appallingly, but you're letting it happen. Take back control and give him his notice to f*ck off our of your home.

Does he pay you rent?

Emme

Livingwith wrote: »

Even though he had been having an affair with his latest partner she never knew I existed and still doesn't. I have no intention of ever telling this woman.

I normally wouldn't advise this, but I think that this girl should know that (a) you exist; (b) your ex and her boyfriend has been living in your house for X amount of time (c) it is strictly platonic between you two and (d) you and your ex broke up because of her. It's up to her how she takes that, how she reacts isn't your problem.

Then again it might not be worth your while because if she dumps him you're stuck with him for the time being. Just throw him out.

Livingwith wrote: »

I cannot genuinely pin point how the situation got this far out of hand but it seems over time it has. He told me she invited him to her house for Christmas dinner and he didn't want to go as he didn't want to be caught up in a family situation.

In other words she might have children or other family with her that day and he doesn't want to hang around them. Tough. If he's in a relationship with her he takes her as she is, bag and baggage.

Livingwith wrote: »

He had plans on staying in my house Christmas Day and then going off on a break with her the following.

He's really having his (Christmas) cake and eating it, isn't he? If he insists on staying in your house I wouldn't make it comfortable for him. Have you anywhere else you can go? If so head off early and turn the heating off so the house will be freezing for him. Pull the fuses out of the fusebox so he'll have to spend the day in the dark. I hope you don't do anything stupid like cook Christmas Dinner for him!:rolleyes:

Livingwith wrote: »

Emme, normally he meets his partner on a Saturday and comes back on Sunday so there is very little time in between..

There's Saturday night. What's stopping you from going out with some friends on a Friday night and leaving him in the house on his own if he doesn't see his partner (I wouldn't call her a partner if he only sees her for a few hours a week) on Saturday.

Livingwith wrote: »

Many times I have felt physically sick at what is going on but these days I just feel numb.

You were right to feel sick. Now it's time to stop feeling numb and start getting seriously angry :mad::mad::mad: you have every right! Kick him out and give him the minimum notice.

LegacyUser

Tri, I honestly have no big answers to why I allowed this get so far out of hand but loneliness was a small factor. He is also a very convincing person and at times would have you believe he was the one hard done by.

Kimia, I'll lay all cards on the table tonight and demand he leaves. He pays rent.

Emme, thanks for all your replies. You've been a great help.

Wurly

Livingwith wrote: »

Tri, I honestly have no big answers to why I allowed this get so far out of hand but loneliness was a small factor. He is also a very convincing person and at times would have you believe he was the one hard done by.

Kimia, I'll lay all cards on the table tonight and demand he leaves. He pays rent.

Emme, thanks for all your replies. You've been a great help.

I don't mean to make you feel bad in yourself.. But really, ask yourself this question. I know, loneliness can be a strange thing. And I too put up with a lot of sh1t in the past because of it.

Try to be your own best friend here. What would you advise a friend to do? Whatever comes to mind, take that advice. Try to separate your heart from your head.

There are billions of people on the planet. You will meet someone who gives you what you deserve. But you have to give to yourself first. That's what i'm learning. And, as you learn that, you begin to take less bad treatment from others.

Look, you cant move on until you're out of this situation. So let that be the first little step that you take. Then you can think about the rest.

And just put it all down to a learning experience. You're slowly defining what treatment is acceptable and what isn't. That's a good thing, right?;)

Best of luck.x

Emme

Livingwith wrote: »

Kimia, I'll lay all cards on the table tonight and demand he leaves. He pays rent.

Emme, thanks for all your replies. You've been a great help.

Thanks. If you're going to ask him to leave and he pays rent, give Threshold a call to make sure you're giving him the proper period of notice (give him that and no more). Did he pay a deposit to you - in this case probably not. Make sure you're in the right legally so he has no comeback.

Kimia

I'm so glad OP that you came on boards to ask for advice because it really seemed like you were somehow conned into thinking this is normal.

Tri's advice is spot on. You take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself either, with every mistake we learn something.

Get some support around you and get yourself sorted. xxx
This time next year you'll be remembering this with a contemptuous laugh!

Danniboo

Unbelievable, cheats on you, expects to stay in your house while he's with the woman he cheated with. Doesn't tell her you exist. What a p****k. You poor woman, get him the hell out of there asap, you deserve better. He is invading your home, which is probably why you feel numb. You haven't had the chance to lie in your jammies and snuggle in your own private sanctuary and have a good oul cry. I hope you get rid of him and meet someone nice. xxx

daisybelle2008

Livingwith wrote: »

Even though he had been having an affair with his latest partner she never knew I existed and still doesn't. I have no intention of ever telling this woman.

I cannot genuinely pin point how the situation got this far out of hand but it seems over time it has. He told me she invited him to her house for Christmas dinner and he didn't want to go as he didn't want to be caught up in a family situation. He had plans on staying in my house Christmas Day and then going off on a break with her the following.

Emme, normally he meets his partner on a Saturday and comes back on Sunday so there is very little time in between.

Many times I have felt physically sick at what is going on but these days I just feel numb.

Your self esteem is not where it should be, living with him on his terms is taking its toll. You need to get him out of your life so you can refind yourself.

mood

Yes you are being taken for a mug. Letting the man who cheated on you continue to live in your house is beyond stupid. Why would you do this to your self! You sound like you haven't moved on and you can't with him still in your life. Get rid asap. A months notice, end of.

CDfm

Others think you can be friends etc with an ex

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055776635

Gyalist

CDfm wrote: »

Others think you can be friends etc with an ex

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055776635

Please ignore this.

You may be able to become friends or have some sort of amicable relationship later but you first have to put physical and emotional distance between you and your ex. He has moved on but you can't because he's always around. He needs to go as soon as possible.

CDfm

I cant see why you would be living with your ex in the first place and expect it to be like an episode of friends.

Maybe Im not that advanced in my thinking and I suspect you OP arent either.

So its time for you to move on.

Throw a farewellparty

iguana

Emme wrote: »

Thanks. If you're going to ask him to leave and he pays rent, give Threshold a call to make sure you're giving him the proper period of notice (give him that and no more). Did he pay a deposit to you - in this case probably not. Make sure you're in the right legally so he has no comeback.

As it happens he has pretty much no rights. If you live in your landlord's home with your landlord you are not a tenant you are a lodger. Lodgers have almost no rights. The OP could legally change the locks while he is out and toss his stuff out to him as soon as he comes to the door. If he has paid rent in advance she would have to give him the money for the time he wouldn't be staying with her but that is it.

CDfm

iguana wrote: »

As it happens he has pretty much no rights. If you live in your landlord's home with your landlord you are not a tenant you are a lodger. Lodgers have almost no rights. The OP could legally change the locks while he is out and toss his stuff out to him as soon as he comes to the door. If he has paid rent in advance she would have to give him the money for the time he wouldn't be staying with her but that is it.

It does seem like the think to do to explain the situation to him and ask him to leave.