Friend and jealousy issue

LegacyUser

Hello all

Just after a bit of advice...

In a nutshell, moved to a new area a year ago. Have made some really lovely friends. One woman in particularly (Linda) has been amazing (we had a mutual friend but we'd never met before I moved).

Now, Linda is a few years older than me. She has a few very close friends in the area but she really never went out of her way to introduce me, which I found rather odd as we know a lot of other people mutually now and Linda and I often go out in groups with them - it just seemed that her 'close' friends were out of bounds.

A few times I text Linda to go for a drink or something and she woulds say she would love to but can't as she is meeting Claire. I thought this odd as if it was me I'd want Linda to meet my friends. I put it down to maybe Linda wanting to talk to Claire about personal stuff but after months of it happening I realised that it was deliberate.

Anyway, eventually Claire and I meet with Linda. Dont really remember how it happened..... but Claire and I hit it off and we swapped numbers. Didnt really gage any reaction from Linda.

So Claire and I have met up a good few times and always invite Linda. Sometimes she makes it sometimes she doesn't (Linda has kids, teenagers).

I have noticed that whenever I mention to Linda I have met with Claire, she gets really stoneyfaced. She looks so incredibly pissed off but never actually says anything.

Now, I'm not an idiot, I can understand that Linda may feel a bit left out if she cant always meet us, but Claire and I are friends now. We like to do similar things etc. I am very aware of Linda's feeling but as she has commitments with her kids she cant always meet up.

It came to a head the other day as I met Linda and told her I'd gone for drinks with claire on fri night. It was a spur of the moment thing after a long day at work (claire and I work 10 mins walk from each other). Linda looked furious. I carried on talking as if I hadnt noticed and she eventually was Ok again.

Claire also told me that Linda spent last christmas with her. i was shocked by this as Linda told me she was spending it with other people. At that point I didnt really know claire, but I just think, why lie. Why not tell the truth. What was she afraid of? It had been organised well in advance so it was a lie.

Now, I'm not going to mention to Linda that I know it. Best let that go now, but it's at the point now where I feel so uncomfortable about it all that I'm starting to want to keep it from Linda - and I know that's wrong.

Linda has another close friend she talks of that I have never met. And strangely, neither has Claire, despite us all living very close.

Any thoughts? I really like them both and Linda has been a wonderful friend to me - a seriously great support. But then, Claire and I are getting really close (she asked me to go on a girlie sun holiday with her next year - something Linda isnt in to!)

Claire's take on it is she will be friends with who she wants - and it is as simple as that.

Don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Firstly I hope those are not their real names!? Privacy is very important to people.

I think you have been incredibly insensitive and quite thoughtless to Linda. I find it odd why you can't seem to see why she is pi$$ed off.

You came to the area and Linda helped you and was amazing as you put it. Then you moved in and started poaching her friends. Then you start to phase out Linda with 'spontaneous' meet ups that dont include Linda and you wonder why she is upset?

Seriously, you need a reality check here. So what if she was reluctant to introduce you to her friends. Maybe she sensed youn had boundary issues. And I think she was right.

I think what you have done is cold and disrespectful. To me it seems you used Linda when it suited you and now you have less use for her she is supposedly 'jealous' etc.

I can't understand how you can't see what you have done wrong.

ash23

I think that obviously Linda is jealous but probably knows it's a bit irrational and therefore is saying nothing.

Obviously Linda and Claire were very good friends especially as they spent last christmas together.
I do think that you both should make more of an effort with Linda. Even if something is spur of the moment, it wouldn't hurt to invite her. If she has kids and can't make a spur of the moment meeting, would you not call over to her with a bottle of wine.

You say she likes trying to keep her friends separate. But this is what you and Claire now seem to be doing to her.

I do see Claires point in her being able to be friends with who she wants. But it must be hard to see two of your friends who would not know each other if it weren't for you, meeting up and not inviting you? It's a bit sh1tty.
She has been a good friend to you when you were new to town and knew nobody so just try to be a bit more thoughtful. Invite her and occasionally make the effort to include her even if she can't go out. It can be pretty miserable knowing your friends are out when you can't get a sitter or can't afford to go out. And while I know thats not their fault, a good friend would consider those aspects and arrange something that factored that in now and then. Not all the time, but once in a while it'd be a good thing to do and it'd prove to her that you guys are still friends with her.

LegacyUser

OP here

First of all - a few things to clear up. No, not real names.

I have introduced Linda to all new friends I have made down here and we all get on and go out in groups a lot. I never exclude her from anything. This meeting with claire has only happened maybe 5-6 times over a 3-month period. I am not running off organising meet-ups all the time.

Linda has a busy life but comes out a good bit - I see her at least once a week. And often it is just the two of us catching up.

I would have never considered myself cold and insensitive - ever. That has come as a real shock to me that that is how I am viewed.

LegacyUser

Ash - I almost always ask her to come out. It is the odd time when I know that she isnt around that I have met with claire. ANy other time she is always sent a text that it would be nice to catch up.

Linda often comes to mine on her own and vice versa.

Yes, she was a support to me but that goes two ways. I have always been there for her. I don't feel as if it has all been a one-way street at all. if that was the case Linda would have no time for me anyway.

I have paid for her to come out when money was tight. I tried to organise a b'day bash but she was out of town so it was postponed.

The suggestion that I have been totally insensitive seems really harsh to me.
it's not like I'm going off on weekend breaks/holidays etc without Linda. I'm talking a bout a few drinks after work on a friday night.

McCABE1

At the end of the day we all have different friends who dont know eachother, I dont quite understand why you had to know and be introduced to all of Lindas other friends?? My two best friends have never met, mainly due to where they both live but I like having them seperate and it would be weird for me if they started to become friendly and meet up (even spur of the moment).
We get different things from different friendships and I have to say, you kind of jumped in there and became very friendly with Claire without considering Linda or even saying anything to her. Linda obviously liked having you as a friend to get together with and liked having Claire: seperately. If she wanted this big group of girls then she would have introduced you all, she didnt and you knew that but went ahead and pushed in on Claire anyway. I think this is going to end badly for you and Linda. If anything she'll resent you, even if she doesnt say anything but it will simmer there and get progressively worse.

ash23

unsurewhattodo wrote: »

I have introduced Linda to all new friends I have made down here and we all get on and go out in groups a lot. I never exclude her from anything. This meeting with claire has only happened maybe 5-6 times over a 3-month period. I am not running off organising meet-ups all the time.

You might not, but has Claire? There could be something going on there that you are unaware of and thats why Lindas saying nothing to you but seething inwardly. You still see Linda but does Claire still make the effort with her?

I would have never considered myself cold and insensitive - ever. That has come as a real shock to me that that is how I am viewed.

Look, just put yourself in her position. She may be feeling (especially that she's older that you both) that you don't want to be around her much, that you have more fun without her. A bit like being picked last for the team.

I just don't really get why you and Claire have to be a double act? Why not create a trio and include Linda.

LegacyUser

Just be careful that you aren't seen as a sort of social parasite.....you make friends with one and then make friends with all their friends and leave the original friend sidelined.

Linda has every right to keep her own friends to herself and go whereever she wants to for Xmas. Maybe back off a bit and show a bit of respect for the original friendships that existed before you came along.

Linda is probably hurt and angry with what you have done. Give her a break.

LegacyUser

I dont think I'm being clear.... sorry, there is no double act.

It's just that claire and I work right near each other. We sometimes go for a drink during the week. Linda is almost always invited. The reason she wasnt on Friday is I knew she was out of town. When she is around she is always invited. I wouldn't not invite her. She has a routine and can meet me on certain days, others times she isnt around. It's just that.

Claire and linda almost the same age. Yes, they meet up - and have done without me being invited.

I am seeing how this must look to Linda. I feel pretty awful and will speak to claire about it.

It is not my intention to hurt anyone or cause friction in friendships.

Thanks for opening my eyes up.

LegacyUser

be careful wrote: »

Just be careful that you aren't seen as a sort of social parasite.....you make friends with one and then make friends with all their friends and leave the original friend sidelined.

Linda has every right to keep her own friends to herself and go whereever she wants to for Xmas. Maybe back off a bit and show a bit of respect for the original friendships that existed before you came along.

Linda is probably hurt and angry with what you have done. Give her a break.

Thanks.

I didnt think a few drinks the odd time was that big a deal. Claire often texts the two of us to go out and whoever makes it does.

I am not leeching other people's friends. I have wonderful friends of my own. I suppose it's just that claire and I have become friends and the problem has arisen. I will back off.