Attracted to Friend

LegacyUser

Hey. I'm a 21 year old guy gay and in the closet. I don't know if this counts as relationship issue, or a gay issue, but I put it in this forum. Sorry if its the wrong place.

The situation is that I am attracted to a good friend of mine and I don't know what to do. I've been good friends with him since secondary school and I've had feelings for him for a long time.

Lately though, because I hadn't been around him much due to college, I kinda "lost interest" or maybe its out of sight, out of mind. But last week we went out for a few drinks and he crashed at my place afterwards and all these feelings flooded back.

Now when I think about him I get pretty upset as I know it may be impossible to be with him.

I don't know if he's gay or not. He's never had a girlfriend, although I'm sure thats no sign. But when we got back from the night out the other day I was taking off my top and stuff to get into bed and he seemed awkward about it, but thats probably just me looking for hope!

I don't want to ask him if he's gay because that would put suspicion on me.

What do I do? Do I forget about him and try to avoid him (which I don't want to do as he's a really good friend), do I ask him if he's gay and risk the chance that our friendship may be ruined as a result? (I believe it could be ruined as if I ask him and he says no then he would suspect me of being gay and liking him which would be very awkward).

And even if he was gay, thats no guarantee that he even likes me. Life is hard.

Monkey61

Ah my teenage years were spent like this. I'm not saying that your friend isn't a great guy and you don't genuinely like him - but it is very easy, if you have nobody else on the scene to focus all of your attention on one person that you can never have. Crushes such as this tend to come and go. As you said yourself, out of sight was out of mind and therein lies the solution to what you have to do!

I can guarantee that if you had other lads in your life that you were interested in, that although the feelings may have come flooding back, you probably wouldn't have cared and you wouldn't be getting upset about it.

I spent years fancying my friends, because they were the people that I was in contact with - and before I ever came out, I was never in any sort of contact with anyone that might possibly have been interested in me.

Solution - you have to put yourself out there and meet some more people. People who might fancy you and who you might fancy. And people that you can just hang out with whilst being open about who you are.

The chances that this guy is gay are very slim. The chances that if he is, he fancies you are even slimmer. If he is indeed a good friend, would you consider telling him that you are gay? You have to tell your friends at some point, so why not now? If he reacts badly, well then you know that he wasn't a very good friend in the first place and at least you will have some closure on the whole thing.

Aard

If he's a really good friend, and hasn't come out to you by now, then maybe you should lead by example and tell him that you're gay. If he is gay, then he'll probably come out to you sooner or later. I think the worst thing to do is to ask him. If he's straight, then he might take offense (not all guys would, though), and if he's gay and not ready to come out then that might drive him further into the closet (I had a semi-similar experience, and it didn't work). If you come out to him, then at the very least it brings a new sense of trust into the relationship which can be built on. Take it slowly, and don't hold your breath.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I would say being in the closet is interfering with your feelings. When something is secret it tends to get exaggerated. Is there any particular reason you're not coming out?

T Corolla

You seem to have a good relationship with this guy. Try and find out what his feelings are towards gay people and see what his reaction is. Sounds like he is not gay but you need to hold onto him as a friend. You need to find guys who are out and they will give you the courage to come out yourself. Best case would be to turn your attention from this guy to someone else but keep him as your friend you are going to need a good friend and he sounds like that good luck

LegacyUser

T Corolla wrote: »

Sounds like he is not gay but you need to hold onto him as a friend.

I don't see how he sounds like he's not gay, if anything I would have said he is one of my friends that is more likely to be gay! As I said before, he never had a girlfriend and he never talks about girls - ever. And he's very secretive, never talks about himself.

But I'm not waiting in hope that he is gay, I guess I'll just have to believe he is straight, and if he comes out, all the better.

The reason I'm in the closet is because I don't think it's the right time. I am in my final year of college, and it's stressful enough as it is without worrying about coming out.

Do you not find it very difficult to find someone you like? It's alright if you're straight - if you find a girl you like, more than likely she is straight, then straight off the mark you know you have a chance. And even if they don't like you at first, you can always "woo" them as they say.

But when you're gay you have to find one of the 10% (if even) of guys that are gay/bi, then out of that 10%, most of them aren't out. Then the ones that are out, you don't know who they are, and then after all that, you have to find someone that likes you.

The odds are very slim

LegacyUser

I posted a reply to this a few days ago but it musn't have gone through.

Well I don't remember what I had said, but I'll say something now anyways.

I think my biggest problem is fear. I am worried about coming out, worried about losing friends, worried about what people think. I always have to correct myself if I think someone on the off chance might have picked me up incorrectly, or taken insult (which is very unlikely). My friends even commented that I apologise a lot.

I think thats whats keeping me in the closet and not telling my friend. If I told him I was gay his perception of me would change, without a doubt.

On a semi-side note, do you guys think psycologists would be beneficial for me? I have so many things that I want to talk about, but have no one to talk to about it and I just feel I need to vent. I know there are those LGBT meetings, but I don't think they're for me...

T Corolla

Unregistered wrote: »

I posted a reply to this a few days ago but it musn't have gone through.

Well I don't remember what I had said, but I'll say something now anyways.

I think my biggest problem is fear. I am worried about coming out, worried about losing friends, worried about what people think. I always have to correct myself if I think someone on the off chance might have picked me up incorrectly, or taken insult (which is very unlikely). My friends even commented that I apologise a lot.

I think thats whats keeping me in the closet and not telling my friend. If I told him I was gay his perception of me would change, without a doubt.

On a semi-side note, do you guys think psycologists would be beneficial for me? I have so many things that I want to talk about, but have no one to talk to about it and I just feel I need to vent. I know there are those LGBT meetings, but I don't think they're for me...

In all colleges there are councilling services available to students. If you feel you need to speak to someone this would be the first point of call. IMO you are overloaded with wants desires and most of all an overwhelming need for understanding for someone anyone. In relation to your friend you need to sit down with him and tell him your feeling for him. He may walk out on you or he may accept your feelings towards him. In the short term you need to get all of this thoughts off your chest and concentrate on your college work and then get to work on the other aspects of your life. Remember you are young and have come up a major obstacle and you need help from someone to get by it take care

Aard

Yeah, I think going to a counsellor would be of great help. Even if all you did was tell them, "I'm gay," I'd say it remove a lot of the fear in your life. Added that it's a controlled environment, and they are not going to judge you, you can be fairly certain that the experience will be confidence-boosting. Getting the first "coming-out" out of the way will pave the way for telling your friends/family.

Nebit

Unregistered wrote: »

I think thats whats keeping me in the closet and not telling my friend. If I told him I was gay his perception of me would change, without a doubt.

hey man,
I know how you feel because i have had the same experience over and over again, i am half out, most people know but a few don't. but 4 of my friends people would class under 'homophobic' you would expect them to act differently if they knew. This has never been the case as of yet. all my mates don't give a crap they act the same around me, take off their shirts without thinking im taking a glance, sleep in the same room. its all good.
Im also from the wesht so im not talking city kids here

t.n.j

Unregistered wrote: »

I posted a reply to this a few days ago but it musn't have gone through.

Well I don't remember what I had said, but I'll say something now anyways.

I think my biggest problem is fear. I am worried about coming out, worried about losing friends, worried about what people think. I always have to correct myself if I think someone on the off chance might have picked me up incorrectly, or taken insult (which is very unlikely). My friends even commented that I apologise a lot.

I think thats whats keeping me in the closet and not telling my friend. If I told him I was gay his perception of me would change, without a doubt.

On a semi-side note, do you guys think psycologists would be beneficial for me? I have so many things that I want to talk about, but have no one to talk to about it and I just feel I need to vent. I know there are those LGBT meetings, but I don't think they're for me...

I've read this thread a few times because you seem to be in the exact same position as me. I'm 21 not out, I have the same feelings towards a good friend and the same insecurities about coming out. I find the whole thing extremely overwhelming and really don't know what to do.

One thing i have done. is go to see a counsellor and a psychiatrist in college. This has been the most beneficial thing for me. They really do help and the psychiatrist can give really good advice on how to approach this kind of thing and the counsellor is just someone to talk to about it. I don't know about other colleges but in trinity all this stuff is free too. They have suggested that i go to one of the LGB things but i really don't think it would do much for me.

Hope this is of use to you.