Problem with confrontation - end up intimidating

LegacyUser

I have a problem that's really affecting my relationships, not just with my girlfriend but with family too.

Basically I have a hard time with confrontation, if I have a small problem I find it very hard to express that problem and what happens from there is I get annoyed about it, get annoyed at myself for not saying anything and then end up with a head on me like a bull and sometimes people aren't even aware I had a problem to begin with due to my not saying anything. It's usually worse when I drink too as I get more annoyed at myself for not speaking up but it's not a drink related problem as I do it sober when something bothers me too.

This then leads to a row where I then get defensive and can talk to people in such a way that isn't respectful and at times can be mean. I'm by no means justifying myself here, it's just that I was bullied as a child very badly and as a result I have this steely determination to never let myself be walked over, and I used to think that this was a great strength of mine until I see how it is affecting my relationships, and now I realise that it is a weakness as I can't afford to treat those closest to me like that.

I had a row with my girlfriend last night and this exact scenario took place and now she has said that "maybe we're better off calling it a day" and I would just accept that it wasn't working out if I didn't know that this was my doing stemming from and inability to express small problems to her. We've talked since and I've promised her that I know I've let her down and that I will work my ass off to make sure this never happens again. She's thinking things over now so I'm stuck in limbo for now. And I deserve to be as this isn't the 1st time it's happened (part of why she's so annoyed)

The other big issue I have is that when I get angry I intimidate people. I'm a big enough lad and when I get annoyed I can have a head on me like a bull but I know myself that I'd never lay a finger on anyone. I know this because I've never been in a fight in my life. It goes against my nature.

I guess what I'm asking is how can I be more assertive without there having to be an argument? Like if something little is at me, I can't say it just in a "oh hey by the way" manner, I'm THAT scared of confrontation.

Also, is it even possible to learn to channel your anger differently? It's horrible to think that I intimidate people when I get angry.

I'm in a bit of a mess right now as I'm not sure if I even have a relationship anymore and I know that I've let myself down here. Any advice is appreciated.

cafecolour

For little things with your girlfriend, you could try sending a text or a msg or something like that. It's easier to do then direct confrontation.

Though be careful you are picking up on every little thing that's not to your liking. "Never getting walked over" is very important, just make sure you aren't confusing that with always being right/getting your way. Compromise is, of course, part of any relationship.

As to anger issues, there's many strategies for dealing - that's what 'anger management' counseling does. Talk to your GP for a recommendation, or just google and see if there's any counseling centers that specialize in it near you.

Joe09

any more advice on this thread would be appreciated.

it is a very common problem so you are not alone. Sorry I have no advice as i too am in the same boat as you. have tried a number to different techniques but still in the same position. but i am open about it and have told my friends if i get that way to shut me up good and proper, it helps. p.s i too was bullied so i think its a side affect

sporina

cafecolour wrote: »

For little things with your girlfriend, you could try sending a text or a msg or something like that. It's easier to do then direct confrontation.

Though be careful you are picking up on every little thing that's not to your liking. "Never getting walked over" is very important, just make sure you aren't confusing that with always being right/getting your way. Compromise is, of course, part of any relationship.

As to anger issues, there's many strategies for dealing - that's what 'anger management' counseling does. Talk to your GP for a recommendation, or just google and see if there's any counseling centers that specialize in it near you.

sorry cafecolour but one should not use texts in this situation as they can be misinterpreted and make the situation a whole lot worse.

Dealing with anger is a very complicated issue.
Everyone gets angry and should - it is a natural feeling and it should not be surpressed in any case. By surpressing it you are creating a feeling of being walked over - this is not good for you or for the people you are in conforntation with as they - they may use you as a door mat.
By surpressing it you are giving yourself the feeling of being walked over - leading to low self esteem and bottling it up. This only leads to the uncontrolled vents which you OP seem to be experiencing.
There are a few issues you prob need to address:
1. self esteem - you have said already you were bullied - this could result with you having low self esteem so you are always on the defense.
You should get help for this as this will help you to recognise if you have a real need to feel angry and also it will help you to be less defensive and how to control anger should you legitimitely feel so.
1. Controlling anger - if you are feeling angry towards someone - you need to walk away until you are calm and rational. When actively angry you cannot think clearly and behave rationally. Then confront them about the issue in a non threatening way when you have thought about it.
But you do need to express the feeling the anger creates in you - eg: annoyed for what ever reason - otherwise you will bottle it up and explode which seems to be what is happening you.

Overall - I would say your low self esteem and therefore defensiveness is what your main problem is - the culprit of your anger issue.

As said before - there are anger mgmt classes - try one.
You are half way there though as you have acknowledged the problem and you seem to have a lot of awareness.

LegacyUser

My bf is the same as you and I've nearly finished it a number of times because of this behaviour, so you do need to sort this.

At least you acknowledge that this is a problem for you, which is a good start. Please talk to your gf and to your family & friends and explain what you've said here. Start communicating more with them and once you feel something start to build up in your head, make the effort to talk about it and get it out in the open from the start.

Also look into anger management classes as they will help you work on ways to deal with this. Best of luck

martdalto

Why not try an assertiveness course firstly? Your anger problems all seem to be coming from the fact that you can't say what you want to say. So address that part first.

Going by your post, at the moment I don't think you need anger management, because anger is the end result, not the cause.

Treat the root cause, and the rest should follow?
(Maybe?)

EDIT: It is possible to be assertive without being confrontational, or bringing confrontation on yourself! That's what an assertiveness course would teach you.

SheRa

I agree that acknowledging it is the most important part. It goes a huge way. And a heart felt apology which doesn't blame the other person, otherwise its not a sincere apology. You need to show her that you can tone down the anger. She may not like you very much at the moment but im guessing that she still loves you.

seahorse

martdalto wrote: »

Why not try an assertiveness course firstly? Your anger problems all seem to be coming from the fact that you can't say what you want to say. So address that part first.

+ 1

You need to learn to assert yourself and an assertiveness course would be hugely helpful here. If you can learn to assert yourself calmly the anger will not follow as there will be no need for it.

Best of luck.

miec

Hi Op and other fellow sumissive/lose the head types

I suffer from the same problem which stemmed from low self esteem and I am finally, finally working my way out of it. I would higly recommend counselling to deal with the underlying esteem issues but in the interim what I have learned is that when I am aware that something has upset me and I need to say it to the other person, I have to calm my breathing and say to that person 'I am not happy that you don't turn up when you say would' or 'I don't like it when you ignore me, it makes me feel x or y' or 'I would like more consideration' or whatever it is you need to say. See the thing is anger whilst healthy at times, is also a guise for fear, when you get angry it is because underneath it you are scared ****less, now I speak from experience, when I am frightened I become very aggressive and like you Op, I needed to curb it because it was affecting my relationship, so always say to the person 'I am not happy with ...' try to avoid saying 'you this, you that' because when you start with the I it means the person can't really argue with that because it is how you feel. Also I think a fear of saying something at the beginning in my experience is because I didn't want to upset the other person, or I wanted their approval at all times or just trying to keep the quiet life but what happened then is I suppressed my needs and wants and then explode weeks and weeks later and scare the life out of the other person.

I would urge you to look up asssertive techinques online, maybe go to a class but I would also suggest deep breathing techniques and relaxation and meditation, I have been doing that for the past 6 weeks and I'm a lot calmer and more together in my head and it makes me feel empowered and that for me is the key, always finding the best way to empower yourself when dealing with other people. The fact you have admitted this problem and more importantly owned the problem is a huge step so give yourself credit for that, well done and I hope your relationship works out. Best of luck Op.