Clingy Mother

McChubbin · 20-12-2009 2:16am #1

As much as I love my mother, sometimes I just want to scream blue murder at her.

I am 21 years old but at the rate things are going, I might as well be 12 for the way I'm treated. The biggest bone of contension between us is the fact that I am desperate to move out of the family home. Having lived with my now ex-boyfriend for a brief period during the summer, I got a glimpse of living without her constantly breathing down my neck and frankly, it's exactly what I need right now.

Things are getting crowded as my incredibly overly-critical brother has moved back home following the end of his lease on a house share. I am at my wits' end.

I don't earn nearly enough money to rent my own apartment (even with Rent Allowence) and until I can find more gainful means of employment, I fear I'll never be able to have my own space to actually be myself without constant criticism.

I've accepted that I can't afford even a bedsit right now so I'm happy enough to rent a bedroom in someone's house if it means living independen of my folks.

Trouble is, my mother is HELL-BENT on having me live literally 3 seconds away from her hwk-like gaze and refuses to even consider the flat-share option, stating that my flat-mates could be all "psychopathic thieves" and that I'd never survive on my own.

No amount of arguing my side- that it's all I can afford, that I'm a pretty good judge of character, etc,-will budge her and frankly, I've had enough.

I can't even stay out past 7pm, FFS!

I think part of her stubborness stems from the fact that I am her youngest (and only) daughter, that I have certain disabilities that can 'impair my judgement' and that I'm "naive about how the world works".

It's such a crock. I'm fed up of the double standards and the fact that I have to ask permission to do ANYTHING outside of her supervision.
I'm sick and tired of her shoving her ****ing religion down my throat, sick of her never taking me seriously and not listening to me when I'm trying to have a reasonable discussion about a serious subject.

I don't know what else to do anymore. It feels like i am bashing my head repeatedly against a brick wall with this woman in regards to moving out and living my life.
She just can't accept that I've grown up and she's doing everything in her power to keep meas "her little girl".

Urgh.

Just... just urgh.

Needed to vent before I kicked a puppy or something.

Proto · 20-12-2009 3:36am

McChubbin wrote: »

As much as I love my mother, sometimes I just want to scream blue murder at her.

I am 21 years old but at the rate things are going, I might as well be 12 for the way I'm treated. The biggest bone of contension between us is the fact that I am desperate to move out of the family home. Having lived with my now ex-boyfriend for a brief period during the summer, I got a glimpse of living without her constantly breathing down my neck and frankly, it's exactly what I need right now.

Things are getting crowded as my incredibly overly-critical brother has moved back home following the end of his lease on a house share. I am at my wits' end.

I don't earn nearly enough money to rent my own apartment (even with Rent Allowence) and until I can find more gainful means of employment, I fear I'll never be able to have my own space to actually be myself without constant criticism.

I've accepted that I can't afford even a bedsit right now so I'm happy enough to rent a bedroom in someone's house if it means living independen of my folks.

Trouble is, my mother is HELL-BENT on having me live literally 3 seconds away from her hwk-like gaze and refuses to even consider the flat-share option, stating that my flat-mates could be all "psychopathic thieves" and that I'd never survive on my own.

No amount of arguing my side- that it's all I can afford, that I'm a pretty good judge of character, etc,-will budge her and frankly, I've had enough.

I can't even stay out past 7pm, FFS!

I think part of her stubborness stems from the fact that I am her youngest (and only) daughter, that I have certain disabilities that can 'impair my judgement' and that I'm "naive about how the world works".

It's such a crock. I'm fed up of the double standards and the fact that I have to ask permission to do ANYTHING outside of her supervision.
I'm sick and tired of her shoving her ****ing religion down my throat, sick of her never taking me seriously and not listening to me when I'm trying to have a reasonable discussion about a serious subject.

I don't know what else to do anymore. It feels like i am bashing my head repeatedly against a brick wall with this woman in regards to moving out and living my life.
She just can't accept that I've grown up and she's doing everything in her power to keep meas "her little girl".

Urgh.

Just... just urgh.

Needed to vent before I kicked a puppy or something.

Ah FFS there's something wrong there.

What can she possibly do if you stay out untill the late hours? Ground you? Fcuk that.

I have an overprotective mother aswell and it's a pain in the hole.

Demonique · 20-12-2009 5:23am

Tell the auld bitch to **** off.

I was told "you're under our jurisdiction until you're 18" with regards to going to Mass. I turned 18 and as far as I was concerned I was a legal adult and was under no legal obligation to listen to anything that spewed forth from my parents mouths.

I was then diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 25, my mother started trying to baby me. The verbal chewing out I gave her reduced her to tears. (LOL, she's able to give plenty of abuse to other people, but can't take any herself)

If I were you I'd start deliberately staying out past 7pm on a regular basis just to annoy her.

mikemac · 20-12-2009 10:46am

McChubbin wrote: »

Having lived with my now ex-boyfriend for a brief period during the summer,

Did you get the "living in sin!!!" speech :eek:
What do you mean you lived together without a ring of your finger??

Sounds like you got off lightly with your mother OP. There's many on boards who have gotten this speech

20-12-2009 10:50am

My God, that's unbelievable. I'm actually shocked at how babied some adults are. How manipulative that she's pulling the 'I'm concerned you're naive' crap when in fact this is all for her own ends. And if you are naive, it's 1) mostly her fault and 2) all the more reason to get out into the real world. Just get a room in a houseshare, why does your mother have to consider anything? It's none of her business.

Son Of A Vidic · 20-12-2009 12:27pm

Irish mothers have that truly amazing gift of placing unwarranted guilt upon their children's shoulders. I might drop in once a week to visit or maybe fortnightly, depending on work. You'd swear I abandoned her for months/years:eek:

Edgedinblue · 20-12-2009 5:24pm

All i can say is youre 21, go out before 7 and look at some rooms to rent, and just go! its not fair for you to be living like that even if it is your mother.

McChubbin · 20-12-2009 5:59pm

Thank you all for your kind words.
Glad to see I'm not alone in this situation.
In regards to the finacial side of things, I don't expect my parents to pay for my moving expendetures nor do I want them to-it would only give them ammunition to dictate my lifestyle and guilt trip me with the whole "But I paid yer deposit!

< " shtick.

At the moment, I'm living off Disabilty allowence (deaf Aspie with mental health issues here) which is barely supplemented by a lousy 4 hours a week working for a pitence in my local.
Although I try to save regularly, it's never enough and my financial situation is made all the more worse because my family CONSTANTLY try to borrow money off me-at one point, I had to take out a €1,200 loan the day before my 21st just because they lapsed on paying the ****ing mortgage that month.

To this day, I have not seen a single repayment and as a result, I'm still paying off the interest. I'm luck if I have €100 a week to feed and clothe myself.

As for the staying out late thing, I can kind of understand where she's coming from. Dublin can be pretty dodgy at night anyways but it's not like I'm planning to go walking down dark alleys with a neon sign around my neck that says "Rape/Murder/Assault Me! I'm an easy target!" around my neck.

It's so frustrating because my brother seems to get so much more freedom.
He's 25 and he can roll in all hours of the night. Mom doesn't like it but she still lets him get away with it.

I can't dye my hair insane colours in case "people stare", she's constantly on about how "I'll eventually need God in my life", she's constantly saying she wants a tattoo yet never get around to doing it, she sides with the step-dad over EVERYTHING and never takes me seriously when I tell her how much she depresses me.

I've already had one mental breakdown in my life and her constant interference was one of the many contributing factors in it so the last thing I want is to suffer another one. one thing i've noticed, though- I think in some way she is overprotective because of this.

That she came close to loosing me once and she's so scared of it happening again that she inadvertedly pushing my buttons trying to prevent it.

By all means, I'd love to just pack a bag in secret, move into a flatshare and limit my visits to once or twice a month but I've barely got the strenght. I feel so brow-beaten and defeated by this constant, never-ending cycle of clinginess that I'll just put up with it rather than fight it out.

Not healthy, I know but I'm trying. I'm searching job sites like a woman posessed and sending out hundreds of CVs in a bid to find some cash to wack in the savings account.

Hell, I'd even consider emigrating if it ment I could breathe easy.

Urgh- I feel horrible feeling such resentment towards my own mother. She tried her best but at the end of the day, there comes a time when you have to cut the fecking apron strings and accept that your children have grown up.

Holding on to the past with a vice grip is only going to cause more problems than not.

*sigh*

Galvasean · 21-12-2009 7:33pm

After discussing it with the OP, I'm moving this to Personal Issues.
Hopefully the posters there can help out.

SarahMc · 21-12-2009 10:40pm

Demonique wrote: »

Tell the auld bitch to **** off......The verbal chewing out I gave her reduced her to tears. (LOL, she's able to give plenty of abuse to other people, but can't take any herself)

I am appalled by this, you think it is amusing that you reduced your mother to tears? Let me guess, you still live at home :rolleyes:

Latchy · 21-12-2009 10:45pm

[quote=[Deleted User];63581345] How manipulative that she's pulling the 'I'm concerned you're naive' crap when in fact this is all for her own ends. [/QUOTE]

medicman2009 wrote: »

Irish mothers have that truly amazing gift of placing unwarranted guilt upon their children's shoulders.

OP some good valid points in the thread and just using the two edited ones above as reference.I am not an expert on this subject or anything just to say I have being there in same situation with my mother , a long time ago ( aided and abetted by other family members who had something to gain ) As mentioned and at the end of the day , it was all about her's and their selfish needs and wants ,not anybody elses ,not mine nor some of my other brothers /sisters who were being treated same way with strong emotional abuse .

I can laugh at it now ,my brothers and sisters to but believe me I know only to well that feeling of being treated and talked at in my mid 20s like a I was a 14 year old , when all you want to is shout 'ARAGHHHHHHHHH ' out the fcuking door at the whole world

It's a power control thing with them as much as anything and when they say it's all for your concern and welfare they do in many cases mean it ,of course But the underlying fear is that you'll break away from their influences and control because they themselfs were afraid or left it to late to change their ways and their thinking, or beliefs .They need their own emotional /physical crutch to hang onto . Messing around with your emotions and guilt tripping you (religion was always the favorite choice to get to somebody ).
And they (mothers) very rarely change their way of thinking , even when you feel older and wiser yourself in the ways of the world .

So only by cutting the ' emotional / clingy ' cord with her will you ever learn to move on , develop and grow to be the person you really are ,not the one she want's you to be .

Not having the finances to move out is difficult and so frustrating because the physical space is what's needed to break the cycle away from your mothers strong religious views on life ....hers .... not yours .

It took me till I was 27 before I broke away and it wasn't easy , quite difficult at times .But I knew that whatever lay ahead I was determined I was not going to go back , back to that horrible claustaphobic situation were no part of my life felt my own .

There have being other threads such as this ie, ' Irish mothers ' and your situation is probably more common now as much as ever .

Best of luck in the future OP

McChubbin · 21-12-2009 11:04pm

Thank very much for the kind wrds ad sound advice.
I'm still looking into the flat share option but at the moment, I've yet to find one that'll accept pets and Rent Allowence.
I'm trying hard not to show that she's getting to me but it's not easy.

I don't want to wait until I'm nearly 30 to move. If I can go next year, I'd cry with job so for now, I'm planning to save as much as I can in the hopes of finding a decent solution to the accomidation problem.
As for the emotional stuff, I don't think I'll ever truely be free. The woman is a walking contridiction- one minute she's urging me to break up with my (now ex)boyfriend, then when it's all over and done with, she keeps asking me if I've spoken to him.

Make up your friggin' mind, woman!

EDIT: Quick note on the religious thing:
Both me and my brother are Athiests (though my brother's into the New Age-y tarot card shtick) and despite telling her thousands of times that she can believe what she wants so long as she leaves me out of it, she INSISTS on blessing me at every concievable opportunity. Because of this, I rarely-if-ever- try to hug my mother or engage her in physical contact because she constantly tries to enforce her beliefs on me.

How depressing is that?

Siogfinsceal · 22-12-2009 11:21am

OP it is not up to your mum whether you move out or not its up to you. Sit down and work out how much you earn and what you can afford and then go and have a look and see if you can find an affordable room in a house / apartment with some people that are of a similar age. Is there any form of funding / rent allowance you would be entitled to? if you are not sure find out.
I had a clingy mother myself and the best thing I ever did was move out in my 20's and we actually get on so much better when we are not in each others face and she has no power over me.
I think there is often issues between irish mammies and their daughters it mystifies me but when you hear other people talking about it you feel a lot better trust me its not just you!.

crotalus667 · 22-12-2009 12:40pm

McChubbin wrote: »

I've yet to find one that'll accept pets and Rent Allowence.

Most landlords at the moment love rent allowance (it’s a guarantied payment), as for the pets what do you have ??? Cats and dogs are usually the big no no’s (or any thing that is going to use up a lot of electricity)try asking about on the pet websites , pet lovers tend to not mind renting to other pet lovers , and go down the welfare office and get your name down on the housing list (ok you wont get any thing straingt away it will take a year or 4 but at least it will get you out of the house share into a place of your own

McChubbin wrote: »

she INSISTS on blessing me at every concievable opportunity

Either tell her to f-off or learn a satanic blessing and bless her right back ,or ask here for the money she owes you that will shut her up pretty quickly, as for the letting her control you , if you don’t want to be back by 7 don’t come back by 7 , (get a copy of the house key cut in case she tries to confiscate yours) if she gives you grief over it hold the fact that you had to bail her out and step daddy out

Cheap Thrills! · 22-12-2009 1:19pm

McChubbin wrote: »

In regards to the finacial side of things, I don't expect my parents to pay for my moving expendetures nor do I want them to-it would only give them ammunition to dictate my lifestyle and guilt trip me with the whole "But I paid yer deposit! < " shtick.

McChubbin wrote: »

Although I try to save regularly, it's never enough and my financial situation is made all the more worse because my family CONSTANTLY try to borrow money off me-at one point, I had to take out a €1,200 loan the day before my 21st just because they lapsed on paying the ****ing mortgage that month.

To this day, I have not seen a single repayment and as a result, I'm still paying off the interest.

So they owe you €1200 plus interest.

Parents should NOT be borrowing money from their own kids. Have you confronted them as to where the hell your money is and when do they plan to repay you?

Kalashnikov_Kid · 22-12-2009 4:05pm

Do you have any reliable contacts abroad?

If you do, I would consider emigrating and to start afresh.

I have the cliched 'Irish mammy' who had various physical and mental ailments and even after 3 years of me living 60 miles away during Uni, I still got caught up in her web. Like yourself, I am the youngest so I found it very difficult to make a clean break. It can be done, but you really have to be ruthless, for want of a better word - I love her and all but you really have to draw a line and be strict on yourself and on her.

Needless to say, after 15 months across the water I have no regrets and when I do see her, we get on better than ever. We give eachother more space and there never seems to be any 'dramas' anymore - her anxieties are no longer thrown at me.

My worry for you would be that if you move a few miles away, you might get dragged back in from time to time. Although you do mention of having experience of doing this recently. I just think it's something you should consider - if you do move out to somewhere nearby - make sure you can live a fully independent life in which you can fully support yourself.

McChubbin · 22-12-2009 6:54pm

crotalus667 wrote: »

Most landlords at the moment love rent allowance (it’s a guarantied payment), as for the pets what do you have ??? Cats and dogs are usually the big no no’s (or any thing that is going to use up a lot of electricity)try asking about on the pet websites , pet lovers tend to not mind renting to other pet lovers , and go down the welfare office and get your name down on the housing list (ok you wont get any thing straingt away it will take a year or 4 but at least it will get you out of the house share into a place of your own

Either tell her to f-off or learn a satanic blessing and bless her right back ,or ask here for the money she owes you that will shut her up pretty quickly, as for the letting her control you , if you don’t want to be back by 7 don’t come back by 7 , (get a copy of the house key cut in case she tries to confiscate yours) if she gives you grief over it hold the fact that you had to bail her out and step daddy out

I'm entitled to €400 Rent Allowence but I don't know if it will still be that amount come January. I've been on the list for a council house for the better part of 9 months now and so far, I've heard nothing back.

I actually don't have a pet of my own (the dog is actually my mother and she SPOILS it rotten) but I'd like the option of having a cat to keep me company.

As for the issue of the loan, I used to have to pay my mother €50 a week in "rent" once I turned 17 and when she made me take the loan out, I basically had to shove her face against the ATM screen in order to make her see that I could barely afford the repayments. We reached a compromise in that instead of paying her €50 a week, I'd pay her €30 and the additional €20 left over would go towards the loan repayment.

Thankfully, I only have €200 left to pay back but it's no longer about the money-it's the principal. She knew fully well that I was not equipped to pay off a loan of that size especially when I was already €2,500 in debt from taking out a "holiday loan" two years ago and just barely chipping away at it.

I'd gotten down to the €1,500 mark with my own debts when she backed me into a corner and made me take out money to cover HER damn debts. I'm all for helping out the family if they REALLY need it but that is utterly ridiculous.

If I had the money I wouldn't be so pissed off but the fact of the matter is this:
I get €204 a week (which will be reduced to €196 come January) in Disabilty Allowence.

Out of the initial €204, the following deductions are made:
-€30 paid in direct debit to the credit union to pay off the loan (It was the cheapest option)

-€30 paid to my mother for rent

-€30 towards savings account

-€60 (on average) to cover cost of food/clothing/ internet bill

Total left over: €54 a week.

My job only pays €36 a week as I only work 4 hours and there's no way of getting extra shifts as the Shift Manager is notoriously finicky when it comes to hours.
It wouldn't be so bad if those 4 hours were spent doing bar shifts as I'd usually make up the difference with an average of €30 in tips.

Sadly, that lifeline has been taken away by the new recruits and I'm left with this feeble amount.

As for the whole religion thing, I've tried EVERYTHING- from replying with "Darwin rolls his eyes at you", speaking in tongues, telling her blatantly to **** off, smacking her hand away, trying to explain why I don't appreciate it- everything.

There's no stopping her.

I'm currently searching for better jobs that will actually make use of my qualifications but I've yet to recieve a single reply out of the hundreds of CVs I've sent off. Hell, at this stage, I'll take working in Domino's Pizza or McDonalds if it'll give me a few extra bones to chuck into the "moving out" fund.

EDIT: RE Kalashikov Kid:

I have one friend in Florida whom I've known for about a decade now and although I've long since confirmed her to be geniuine,
I've never actually met the girl. We've actually discussed the idea of me emigrating but unless I find a suitable colledge course, the chances of getting even a 3 month visa -let alone American citizenship- is very slim.

McChubbin · 23-12-2009 12:59am

Have to write about this because I'm beyond pissed and have no other alternative outlet other than screaming at the top of my lungs.
Tonight, my mother had two of her 'galpals' around for a boozy catch up session.
When I'd innocently entered the kitchen to grab some water, I got dragged into their swawking and the topic soon turned to me-to be specific, my artist abilities.

One thing you must understand is that I've suffered with self confidence issues for most of my adult life and feel extremely uncomfortable having a spot light shone on my inner-most, personal views.

I can't take a compliment because through-out my life, I've been subject to the classic passive-aggressive form of emotional bullying. I'm always looking for the ulterior motive behind a seemingly innoculous comment.

Well imagine how mortified I felt when my mother ordered me to produce my portfolio (which is like a diary to me) and parade it in front of her drunken mates for all to see.

Despite my protests, she would'nt shut up and so I had to watch on, mortified and close to having a panic attack as she passed around this highly personal folder full of artwork from the last 2 years.

The majority of comments were positive but bordered on demanding- that I absolutely HAVE to submit them to the major studios, I'm a great artist, etc.

I know I'm not-I'm my own worst clritic and to have people judge my artwork especially when I've specifically asked not to mention it makes me feel as though I am put up on a podium with a huge unwanted spotlight shown on me.

Then, the discussion turned to how I'd wasted the best opportunity in my life by dropping out of Animation Colledge after a year. They called me lazy, a waste of talent and that I made a huge mistake-never mind the fact that I was bullied mercilessly in that one hellish year in a course run by conformist anti-uniqueness Nazis-it was just constant criticism disguised as praise.

I know I might be reading into this too much and that I just "grow a pair and take a compliment" but it's so ****ing hard when all you've known in life is back-handed insults and false praise.

The worst part of it was seeing my private drawings, my innermost thoughts and workings being laid out on the table for those drunken bitches to see.

I didn't want to show it but as usual, mother had me backed into a corner with the help of her harpy cornies and I could do nothing to protest.

I've had enough.

I nearly bit the head off my mother when her friends left but she just swept the whole thing under the carpet, blamed the drink and said to talk to her in the morning, when she'll no dubt forget an incident ever occurred and simply acuse me of being difficult.

I need to get out of this house as my very sanity is at stake. I'm at breaking point right now and it's only a matter of time before I throttle the woman.

gimme5minutes · 23-12-2009 2:07am

McChubbin wrote: »

Well imagine how mortified I felt when my mother ordered me to produce my portfolio (which is like a diary to me) and parade it in front of her drunken mates for all to see.

Despite my protests, she would'nt shut up and so I had to watch on, mortified and close to having a panic attack as she passed around this highly personal folder full of artwork from the last 2 years.

The majority of comments were positive but bordered on demanding- that I absolutely HAVE to submit them to the major studios, I'm a great artist, etc.

The worst part of it was seeing my private drawings, my innermost thoughts and workings being laid out on the table for those drunken bitches to see.

I didn't want to show it but as usual, mother had me backed into a corner with the help of her harpy cornies and I could do nothing to protest.

Eh, I just don't it. You didn't have to show your artwork if you didn't want to. You could have just said no and walked straight out of the room. It almost seems like you want have something to get angry with your mother about. Like when you say she won't let you out past 7pm. Does she keep you chained up? I imagine not, so why are you doing what she tells you to when you don't agree with it and she can't actually make you do anything. She can do feck all if you stay later than 7 apart from nag, which is what she will do anyway.

You also say you want to move out and rent a bedroom but your mother wont let you. So what, you are 21, you can do whatever the hell you want, there are people over in Iraq fighting in a war that are only 18 and 19. Just do whatever you like and tell her if she has a problem with it to get stuffed. Seriously, she's still ordering you around at 21 when you have been an adult for 3 years. This tells me she has no plans to stop telling you what to do. But do you know what, it doesn't matter because you can do whatever you want, she doesn't actually own you.

It just seems to me that you might be getting a kick out of ranting about your mother all the time, because you could easily let all the nonsense she talks fly straight over your head and pay no attention to it.

McChubbin · 23-12-2009 2:41am

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Eh, I just don't it. You didn't have to show your artwork if you didn't want to. You could have just said no and walked straight out of the room. It almost seems like you want have something to get angry with your mother about. Like when you say she won't let you out past 7pm. Does she keep you chained up? I imagine not, so why are you doing what she tells you to when you don't agree with it and she can't actually make you do anything. She can do feck all if you stay later than 7 apart from nag, which is what she will do anyway.

You also say you want to move out and rent a bedroom but your mother wont let you. So what, you are 21, you can do whatever the hell you want, there are people over in Iraq fighting in a war that are only 18 and 19. Just do whatever you like and tell her if she has a problem with it to get stuffed. Seriously, she's still ordering you around at 21 when you have been an adult for 3 years. This tells me she has no plans to stop telling you what to do. But do you know what, it doesn't matter because you can do whatever you want, she doesn't actually own you.

It just seems to me that you might be getting a kick out of ranting about your mother all the time, because you could easily let all the nonsense she talks fly straight over your head and pay no attention to it.

Easier said than done. It's not that I like ranting about my mother-it's the fact that I've told her a thousand times not to do the things that irritate and humiliate me and yet she persists on doing them. If I told her to "get stuffed" (and believe me, I have done in the past), she will run to my step-father who will then run to my brother and together, the three of them will twist my words and make ME out to be the one at fault.

Whenever I try to stand up for myself, I'm either brow-beaten into sitting down, shutting up and putting up with it or my parents sweep the issue under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist.

Do you know what it's like trying to explain to someone time after time after time after time again that their behavior is damaging and hurtful and then despite this, they continue to do it?

It's very hard to ignore.

I've tried in the past- I've tried to let it go over my head and I've internalized my anger and grievences towards her but this usually ends in me exploding in a rage and screaming at her over some trivial thing that acts as a tipping point.

She can't or rather wont stop the behavior.

I do not like confrontation. When faced with behavior that I don't agree with, I will usually do the smart thing and tell her exactly what I don't agree with and hopefully work to a solution by talking things out but she doesn't seem to listen.

She just persists in driving me insane and all I can do is put up with it as i've got no-where else to go.

In regards to the artwork thing, If I'd walked out of the room after saying "No", she would've chased after me, yelled in my face about me being the one to embarrass HER and then made sure EVERYONE knows it. She can be vindictive like that, especially when she's got drink on her.

Peggypeg · 23-12-2009 2:34pm

Wow, just WOW. Poor you, my mam is bad but FFS that's outrageous, the loan, the curvew, drunken friends etc. Look you can fight and scream and be screamed at and made to feel guilty but the answer to this problem is very simple - move out. I know you're trying sweetie, I know it's really hard at the minute but you can survive on pittance if you're smart, buy loads of rice to keep you going, ANYTHING would be better than what you're going through now.

If I were you I'd find a cheap room somewhere, don't buy a cat, I have 4 and they're more expensive than you think, if you can't afford your own stuff you can't provide food, vet care etc for a cat, so just forget about that for now, if in the future you decide you want one you can move somewhere cat-friendly. So anyway yeah, move out, don't give your family your new address and then sit down and write you mother a letter, tell her absolutely everything you've said here and anything else on your mind, tell her you will not be accepting the type of treatment that you have been surviving anymore. Tell her in the letter that you will be home for a visit soon but if their attitude's haven't changed you won't be back (and mean it too). That should cop her on, she needs to see you as a woman not a child and the only way she'll see you as a woman is if you become independent.

It is time to make a stand.
Best of luck sweetie.

Danniboo · 23-12-2009 3:12pm

Thats an absolute nightmare. You need to move out and it's not for your mother to decide. 400e a month would easily get you a nice double room somewhere to rent. Your mother might not change if she's being doing this your whole life but regardless whether she does or doesn't you need to live your own life. Check daft.ie it's brilliant for rental properties. All the best.

McChubbin · 23-12-2009 3:30pm

Been looking on Daft.ie just now and found FIVE potential posibilities to move to that come under budget. Only thing is, I'm not sure if they accept Rent Allowence.
I've worked out that I can just about afford €600 a month-by which I mean have €400 paid by the Rent Allowence whilst bugetting the other €200 myself.

This is going to be a long and painful journey but I've made my mind up after last night.
For the sake of my sanity, I have to move out before I suffer another nervous breakdown. I've set myself a time limit- to be settled into a new place by this time next year which will give me adequete time to save up for the deposit and any utilities that might be needed.

I haven't spoke to my parents about this plan as they'll no doubt try to talk me out of it so for now, I'm going to do this on the back-burner and make my own decision.

Thank you for the advice and I apologize if I came off as a whiny brat in some of my posts. It's all I can really do to post here as the comfort of strangers is the only one have left.

tara king · 27-12-2009 8:34pm

If I was your Mother...I would be the one Moving out! Maybe if you start behaving like an adult...your mother will treat you like one....you come across as a spoiled little girl with no backbone...& very little respect for your mother.I find it hard to believe that she wont allow you out after 7pm...come on...Can you sit down with her & have a reasonable adult conversation with her...None of us parents are givin a book on how to be a good Mother...we just try to do the best we can for our children...

McChubbin · 28-12-2009 1:06am

tara king wrote: »

If I was your Mother...I would be the one Moving out! Maybe if you start behaving like an adult, your mother will treat you like one.
You come across as a spoiled little girl with no backbone and very little respect for your mother.I find it hard to believe that she wont allow you out after 7pm.
Come on.Can you sit down with her and have a reasonable adult conversation with her?None of us parents are given a book on how to be a good Mother.
We just try to do the best we can for our children..

I'll give you that- no-one knows how to handle motherhood right from the off.
My Mom has had a raw deal-she raised my brother and I pretty much single-handedly after our dad left so it was usually just the three of us.

In a way, I suppose the reason she's so rigid with me is because she expects me to do better than my brother. I've told her repeatedly how I've felt about the pressure of those expectations but I don't think she quite understands my feelings.

She's said it herself that she is a worrier and I can understand that- the world is a scary, messed up place- but she shouldn't feel she has to wrap me up in cotton wool all the time.

I am a grown woman and capable of learning from my mistakes but she can't see it.
I've tried countless times to tell her this but I think she still only sees me as her youngest child. It's frustrating and it's emotionally draining but I don't know what more I can do to get her to loosen up.

I'm not looking to get a free pass to go out, get drunk, bring a random guy back to the house and snort crack off his stomach.
All I want is to be able to have the same level of freedom she gives my brother without the 'double standard/gender' excuses.

That's not unreasonable, is it?

I can see how I might've come across as a "spoilt brat" in my previous posts and I apologize. I was writing under duress and I'm prone to sticking my foot in my mouth from time to time. Please understand that whilst I don't hate my mother and know she is doing it out of love and protection, the fact that I can't live my own life as an adult is one that can breed resentment and anguish.

I'm trying not to let it get to me and since I last posted, I've been opening up more to my mother-particularly about certain things in my past that I held back in fear of confrontation. It's early days, but she seems to be coming around.

Time can only tell.

Bad Seed · 28-12-2009 1:23am

I think you should stay at home and appreciate your mother, it sounds like she just cares and there is nothing wrong with caring right?:D

Chinafoot · 28-12-2009 1:25am

OP, I don't mean to be in any way offensive but I have to say I think you're being unfair on your mother. You seem completely unable to see anything from her point of view.

You're 21
You have disabilities
You've had a mental breakdown
You admit you can't afford your own place
You'll be relying on rent allowance and disability allowance whilst making very little money.

Can you not see at all why your mother might be worried?? Add all of this to a rather immature and overly emotional attitude and if I was your mam I'd be worried too. Its all very dramatastic.

Look, either move out or don't but I'd suggest giving your mother a break. If you act like a child she'll treat you like one. Not hugging her because she says "bless you". Are you serious? I absolutely hate the word emo, and again I don't mean to be offensive, but this is how you come across.

Yes it can be hard living at home when you get to your age but you need to look at this in a mature way and realise that you aren't realistically in a good position to move out right now and that your mother is just concerned for you.

Also, the not staying out past 7pm and not dying your hair thing is rubbish. It sounds to me like she told you she'd prefer you not to, you're 21, there's not a whole lot she can do to stop you. It sounds like you're feeding off the drama tbh. Oh and wehther you like it or not, there is an enormous difference between a 21 year old female and a 25 year old male. Its not about double standards at all.

Have an adult conversation with her. One that doesn't involve "you depress me and caused me to have a mental breakdown".

McChubbin · 28-12-2009 4:16am

Chinafoot wrote: »

OP, I don't mean to be in any way offensive but I have to say I think you're being unfair on your mother. You seem completely unable to see anything from her point of view.

You're 21
You have disabilities
You've had a mental breakdown
You admit you can't afford your own place
You'll be relying on rent allowance and disability allowance whilst making very little money.Can you not see at all why your mother might be worried?? Add all of this to a rather immature and overly emotional attitude and if I was your mam I'd be worried too. Its all very dramatastic.

Heh. well, drama seems to cling to me like a magnet.I can sort of see where you're coming from-it's tough enough as it is withoutall the highlighted points you just made. I suppose in a way, I've been handled with the kid glove for most of my life because of (largely) the disabilities but I'm fed up of being treated like I'm immature or naive. I know how the world works. I know the dangers. I don't expect my mother to stop worrying but I'd like her to see that I can understand her concerns.

Add all of this to a rather immature and overly emotional attitude

That can't be helped. Certain things in my past have caused me to become so overly emotional that I can barely control my moods. Add to this a bipolor spectrum disorder and a healty dose of post-tramatic stress and you've got a perfect combination for an emotional damaged individulal. I deal with that-I have to to get through each day and it's something I want to be productive about- but as for the whole 'immaturity' thing, I guess there's still a small part of me that still has a lot o growing up to do.

Look, either move out or don't but I'd suggest giving your mother a break. If you act like a child she'll treat you like one. Not hugging her because she says "bless you". Are you serious? I absolutely hate the word emo, and again I don't mean to be offensive, but this is how you come across.

Okay, I'll give you that. It is a little childish to deny my mother a hug on such a trivial ground. I don't go about publicly bashing Jesus or threatening to burn down a church. I don't shove my lack of beliefs down her throat-I just simply say "I don't believe in it" but again: brick wall. She refuses to believe it's little more than a phase I'm going through and will try to bless or convert me at every concievable opportunity.

My main beef with this is that she's an intelligent, logical woman who can have in dept philosophical conversations but when the subject of religion comes up, her attitude is "I pity you for not having faith in Holy God."

Pity. It's the one thing I hate. And FYI- I didn't post here looking for any.
I posted to get it off my chest and seek some advice.

Yes it can be hard living at home when you get to your age but you need to look at this in a mature way and realise that you aren't realistically in a good position to move out right now and that your mother is just concerned for you.

I know that and I appreciate the concern (even if it's not entirely obvious). I know there's people out in the world who are far worse off with parents who don't give two shiny ****s about them so I should count myself lucky to have one who cares so much. It's just...sometimes you want to live life without other people's scrutiny.

Also, the not staying out past 7pm and not dying your hair thing is rubbish. It sounds to me like she told you she'd prefer you not to, you're 21, there's not a whole lot she can do to stop you. It sounds like you're feeding off the drama tbh. Oh and wehther you like it or not, there is an enormous difference between a 21 year old female and a 25 year old male. Its not about double standards at all.

Have an adult conversation with her. One that doesn't involve "you depress me and caused me to have a mental breakdown".

In the one instance when I rebelled and dyed my hair Atomic Yellow ( I was 17), she frog marched me to the chemist, grabbed a box of home dye and forced me to dye it back to my natural colour. Then she didn't speak to me for a week.
To this day, she insists on coming to the salon with me if I'm getting my hair dyed and will throw a hissy if I choose anything that she doesn't class as "sensible".

As for the staying out past 7pm, thing- I never go out on weekends. Before I met my ex, I was practically a hermit. Why? Because I had no social circle. Why did I not have a social circle? Because I was emotionally crippled from being bullied, ridiculed and abused in school, work, colledge, relationships and random encounters in the street. In one of the rarest moments of clarity of my life, I decded enough was enough and I mad a monumental effort to talk to someone.

Suddenly, I saw what was beyond my doorframe and I got a taste for having some semblance of a normal life. Am I greedy for wanting more? Prehaps. I spent my entire teenage years nose-deep in books, quietly shouldering the burdens of other people's expectations and back-handed comments.

As for the mental breakdown thing, she didn't cause it on the whole.
It came about through a number of different circumstances. I only mention it because it feels like it did back then and I can't seem to talk to her about it.

I want to. I do, but I'm scared she'll use it as yet another excuse to cling to me tighter.

cafecolour · 28-12-2009 4:49am

McChubbin wrote: »

Heh. well, drama seems to cling to me like a magnet.

In general, drama seems to 'cling' to people who seek it out, if not always intentionally. And tendency to drama + flatmates = disaster.

McChubbin wrote: »

I know how the world works. I know the dangers.

Knowing the dangers theoretically, and being able to read/process/react to the dangers are two different things. The gap between which is a major problem for those with aspergers.

It's admirable that you want to move out on your own at this point (and who can blame you with your mother's constraints), but my concern, given what you've said about your history, is that if problems do arise, you won't have the support structure to deal with them (limited social network, won't want to lean on the mother lest she say I told you so) until they get overwhelming.

I know you may not want to be pigeonholed, but have explored, say, a support group for the deaf? Where you could meet (and potentially live with) people in similar situations and built a support structure? This might allay your mothers fears a bit and give a support network.

McChubbin · 28-12-2009 3:35pm

cafecolour wrote: »

In general, drama seems to 'cling' to people who seek it out, if not always intentionally. And tendency to drama + flatmates = disaster.

Knowing the dangers theoretically, and being able to read/process/react to the dangers are two different things. The gap between which is a major problem for those with aspergers.

It's admirable that you want to move out on your own at this point (and who can blame you with your mother's constraints), but my concern, given what you've said about your history, is that if problems do arise, you won't have the support structure to deal with them (limited social network, won't want to lean on the mother lest she say I told you so) until they get overwhelming.

I know you may not want to be pigeonholed, but have explored, say, a support group for the deaf? Where you could meet (and potentially live with) people in similar situations and built a support structure? This might allay your mothers fears a bit and give a support network.

I've been actively looking for sign language classes in my local area but I've yet to turn up any viable leads. In regards to an actual support group, I'm not sure if one even exists in this town but I'll look into it. Prehaps the NRB might have the information.

The type of deafness I have is neurological in nature and whilst I'm not TOTALLY deaf, it's so bad that my auditory range means I couldn't hear a shotgun blast at point blanc range without it being incredibly muffled. (That is, if I'm not wearing my hearing aids)

Looking back on it, I regret not taking up people's offers of going to sign language courses and I'm paying for it now as I can't find any anywhere. In a way, I'm scared of facing up to my disability because I'd be acknowledging the unlikely but very real possibility of going totally deaf in the future- a thought that puts the frighteners on me.

Having said that, I'm also curious to learn. There is only one person on my road who is a deaf-mute and whilst I've known his mother for a good while and enquired to her about these things, I find the places she recommends are usually too far away or expensive to be convieniant.

I know a few basic phases of sign language that I've picked up from various sources over the years but I'd like to expand that and reach out to people who can understand the hardships that come with such a severe disability.

As for emotionl support, I've been in regular email contact with the Samaritans which helps a great deal but I can see what you mean. about the drama/flatmate thing. Whilst in an ideal world, I'd like to be living on my own, I know it's not fesable at the moment and I'm begining to think that one-on-one therapy sessions might help.

Although I was told in my youth that I had a Autism Spectrum Disorder (mild Aspergers), there was no follow up done and I've had to deal with on my own.
I don't know if there's any groups I can get in contact with other than WrongPlanet but if I can find out, it would be something I'd like to pursue.

Again, I apologize for coming off as stand-offish and surly in any way over my previous posts.

At the best of times, I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are always right at the surface. As much as I try, it is a hard thing to change and I'm endeavoring to work harder on these issues in the New year.

As for my mother, I had a talk to her about the fnancial implications of moving out and we both came to an agreement that it's just not a good time right now. Still, I will keep looking and keep saving until I get a deposit together so that when the time comes, I won't be left short when I find the perfect place.

For the time being, we are getting on okay and I've told her about my concerns in regards to feeling smothered. She's taken them on board but it remains to be seen if she'll be a bit more easy going. I'm cautiously optimistic, though.

Something tells me that this year will be one of change and growth.

Clingy Mother

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