eating, emptiness, sadness

LegacyUser

I've just stuffed myself this evening on chocolate and i wasn't even hungry. I weighed myself and i am 9 and a half stone (I'm 5 foot 7") and so overweight that I disgust myself. I go to the gym 5 or 6 days a week to try and make myself feel better and then I'll just eat myself silly every evening because I'm depressed, and sad, I feel empty and lonely. Then I'll practically starve myself for a couple of days to try and undo the damage, and then just go straight back to bingeing again. I just keep eating more and more, it's like a compulsion, it's no wonder I weight so much.

I have no friends and I feel like a failure. I can't find a job anywhere and my friends started giving me a hard time for being lazy and leaving what they perceived as a 'great' secure job a couple of years back. I left it because I am so anxious and have no confidence that i could take the constant meetings and presentations and everything. I have a great academic background but yet am such a failure when it really counts. I have tried countless self help books but i can't get past my low self-steem and constant worrying about what other people will think of me. I would give anything to have a bit more faith / confidence in myself. Is there anything i can do?

LegacyUser

I stuff myself on chocolate too sometimes. I'm lucky I don't seem to put on weight.

You don't tell us what age you are. I'm a male, 40, and in a curious way, I have been just like you. I am dealing with a lot of it, or at least mostly I convince myself I am, sometimes I still have moments of doubt. I do have a lot more confidence than I had though.

Sometimes you have to pretend to have the confidence that you don't feel inside. The day I started gaining confidence was the day I convinced myself I was entitled to be confident, even if I wasn't quite yet able to pull it off. I grew up for years believing I wasn't up to the life everyone else lived, that I simply wouldn't ever be part of it, that I wasn't entitled to everything others took for granted. Even though I was clever enough in school, and a likeable person, I seemed to get into a state of mind where life was for everyone else, I was only ever going to be on the sidelines, observing. I had no confidence. That was for other people.

Slowly, after years, I began to realise that I was just as entitled to be on a par with everyone else. I learned to carry myself in public, even though I didn't feel it inside. The difference was, I knew I was entitled to be confident. By putting on the act, over time, I began to get better.

Before you can learn to be wholly confident in yourself, you have to make that one crucial step in convincing yourself that you are entitled to be confident, even if you aren't just quite up to it yet. Once you realise you are entitled to it, then you can move forward slowly. You need to learn that nobody is going to come up to you and say 'you don't deserve to be a person too.'

That's a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps. You do have the strength to gain that confidence over time. You just need to believe you are entitled to it.

Victor

sadgirl wrote: »

so overweight that I disgust myself.

Are you sure? Your BMI is about 20.8 which is slap bang in the middle of normal. If you are at the gym that often, presumably there is more muscle than fat. Can I suggest you talk to one of the trainers in the gym to discuss this. http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ I suspect body image is a secondary problem, not the main one.

Can I suggest you talk to someone about the low self esteem? Your GP may be able to recommend someone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

Tryinghard - I am 26. I really appreciate your post as it makes me feel I am not alone. In my previous jobs there have always been people who are so confident, nothing seems to phase or bother them, even when they make mistakes / do terrible presentations etc. whereas if I did those things I feel I could never go back to work without people laughing at me and I'd be crying in the toilets!

Victor, I have been to my Dr before a few years ago when I was very depressed and I know I should go back again, it is just hard to summon the strength to go through it all again but I know it will be worth it in the long run. maybe if I start to find things to like about myself, I could try to 'act' confident as tryinghard suggests and then maybe slowly start to really believe in that confidence??

Your posts make me feel a bit more optimistic this morning (even if I still feel fat, especially after eating so much yesterday) so thank you.

sunnyside

sadgirl wrote: »

I've just stuffed myself this evening on chocolate and i wasn't even hungry. I weighed myself and i am 9 and a half stone (I'm 5 foot 7") and so overweight that I disgust myself.

That does not sound overweight, it sounds like an eating disorder, I think you should see a GP and tell him/her what you posted here.

Edited to add, eating more than normal is kind of normal at Christmas.

LegacyUser

sadgirl wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

Tryinghard - I am 26. I really appreciate your post as it makes me feel I am not alone. In my previous jobs there have always been people who are so confident, nothing seems to phase or bother them, even when they make mistakes / do terrible presentations etc. whereas if I did those things I feel I could never go back to work without people laughing at me and I'd be crying in the toilets!

Victor, I have been to my Dr before a few years ago when I was very depressed and I know I should go back again, it is just hard to summon the strength to go through it all again but I know it will be worth it in the long run. maybe if I start to find things to like about myself, I could try to 'act' confident as tryinghard suggests and then maybe slowly start to really believe in that confidence??

Your posts make me feel a bit more optimistic this morning (even if I still feel fat, especially after eating so much yesterday) so thank you.

I am 23 and in a similar position at the moment, except I do have a job, just nothing else. It also dosen't help that I hate everyone in my job. The only thing you can do is keep trying your best at getting a job and carving as career out of it, you can only do the best with what you can control. I wish all the people that felt like this could meet with eachother and find a common interest and remain friends, unfortunatly there is a follow or fail ethic in our society. I really hope things work out for you.

Victor

sadgirl wrote: »

Victor, I have been to my Dr before a few years ago when I was very depressed and I know I should go back again, it is just hard to summon the strength to go through it all again but I know it will be worth it in the long run.

Is there someone that you can bring with you? A friend, family member or if you've been through counselling, your counsellor, whether they come in with you or wait in the waiting room.

Nevyn

It's not what you eat some times it why you eat it, comfort eating or eating as a distraction from thing you dont' want to think about or deal with is never good.

Go talk to your dr and see what help can be arranged for you and maybe consider
getting in touch with www.bodywhys.ie

LegacyUser

sadgirl wrote: »

I've just stuffed myself this evening on chocolate and i wasn't even hungry. I weighed myself and i am 9 and a half stone (I'm 5 foot 7") and so overweight that I disgust myself. I go to the gym 5 or 6 days a week to try and make myself feel better and then I'll just eat myself silly every evening because I'm depressed, and sad, I feel empty and lonely. Then I'll practically starve myself for a couple of days to try and undo the damage, and then just go straight back to bingeing again. I just keep eating more and more, it's like a compulsion, it's no wonder I weight so much.

I think you must know quite well that 9.5 stone is a normal weight for your height but your anxiety and depression are overwriting any sensible thoughts with negative and irrational ones.

sadgirl wrote: »

I have no friends and I feel like a failure.

sadgirl wrote: »

I can't find a job anywhere and my friends started.....

I dont know if you noticed that but in one breath you said you had no friends and in the next you mentioned having friends....

I really think you are depressed and anxious. Go along to your GP and have a talk.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, you sound a bit like me when I was younger.

I'm sure you already know you have an eating disorder right? Or at the very least body dysmorphia? So you know what you need to do.

Like you, I was also quite brilliant academically but absolutely atrocious in the work world. Alot of that was because of confidence as well. Sometimes I simply didn't have the confidence to take the initiative in work, in positions when that was called for, and I was also too insecure to ask for help, even though that would be appropriate.

The good news is that my confidence grew as I got older - and I also practised the faking it technique described by a poster above.

My eating disorder cleared up completely as well, partly because I realised what self-induced MISERY it was, and also because I had more relationships and learned to value my body the way a man I was involved with would, and there is nothing as unsexy as girls who whine and obsess about their weight.

So you are probably not nearly in as bad shape (mentally and in terms of life) as you think you are. Work opportunities will come around again, and next time round it will work. Just give yourself a break. Go have a nice meal and enjoy it!!!

Siogfinsceal

sadgirl wrote: »

I'll just eat myself silly every evening because I'm depressed, and sad, I feel empty and lonely. Then I'll practically starve myself for a couple of days to try and undo the damage, and then just go straight back to bingeing again. I just keep eating more and more, it's like a compulsion, it's no wonder I weight so much.

OP when we make excuses like ' because I am depressed' then we are jkust giving ourselves an excuse to do the very things that make us more miserable. Trust me I have been there I was the type to go shopping to cheer myself up!. then I just feel miserbale afterwards for spending money on things I dont need

The first thing is to find out your triggers. Is it emotional eating? or is it that you dont eat enough before the gym and feel starving? or do you just need to make healthier choices after the gym? evenings are my worst time for eatring junk too so I always have to just watch myself and ask myself do I want to eat this am I hungry?. The big thing is to stop beating yourself up. if you want to eat chocolate then eat it and enjoy it! If you dont then put it back and have something healthier. You need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Stop living in 'should' or 'shouldnt' saying 'i shouldnt have eaten that' is just making yourself miserable. Either decide you WANT to eat it or you dont take 'should' out of the equation.

like someone else said for your weight and height you are not that overweight. You seem to go to the gym alot. Is it possible to have an appointment with someone there to set goals and create an excercise plan to get the results you want? many of these peopel will also advise you on diet as well and what foods to eat to give energy.

I would definately speak to someone about the issues you are having as you really seem to lack confidence in yourself? It seems like a vicious circle - you do things like quitting your job and themn beat yourself up about it. You go to the gym and work out then eat chocolate and beat yourself up about it,

LegacyUser

Sadgirl - I'm going to have to agree with some of the others and say if you honestly believe you are actually overweight, you need to get some help. At 5ft7 and 9 and a half stone, you're at the very least slim, if not quite skinny. If you go to the gym, then you have muscle, which increases your weight - so my bet is you actually have very little fat on your body.

I can COMPLETELY relate to how you feel about your body, and with using food as comfort. I've just started counselling for bulimia.

You need to get help - go to your doctor. If that's really not an option, then you need to sit down and really think about what you're doing. Make a healthy eating plan if that would help. NOT a diet, just a plan that will stop you from turning to large amount of junk food in the evening. Think about taking up walking - it helps me to get out for an hours walk with my music in the evening, and when I come back I'm usually ok with having a small snack and leaving it at that.

The sad truth is, you won't get better until you feel better about yourself, or until you feel happier with your life. I know you THINK it's all about food, but it's not. Getting the eating right is only one part of the whole picture.

I feel for you lovey, please get help.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys - I know I need to do something about it - I guess I have just been getting by, as I only have a really bad patch every so often. Like I eat normally / healthily for a few days and then I just descend into the bingeing. I *know* it is no good for me.

Siogfinsceal wrote: »

I would definately speak to someone about the issues you are having as you really seem to lack confidence in yourself? It seems like a vicious circle - you do things like quitting your job and themn beat yourself up about it. You go to the gym and work out then eat chocolate and beat yourself up about it,

This made a lot of sense - I do give myself a hard time over everything I do / say wrong / mistakes i make etc. And it almost makes me feel 'better' doing so if that makes any sense (probably not!), I feel like i deserve to be given out to / punished.

Nobody_Special - you are right that I need to start feeling better about myself first, and it will make the eating / food issues easier to slot into place. Thank you

formeranorexic - it is comforting to know that confidence gets better with age. Sometimes I feel so low about myself that it keeps eating me up inside. I know I need to start seeing myself differently and I practice (in a journal) writing down rational counter-arguments to my negative thoughts, but I still find it hard to really believe them! i will persevere.

thank you again to everyone. In the New Year I will go back to my GP and hopefully she can refer me to somebody. I do feel a little better / less overwhelmed and have been eating better since I posted, so I will try and tide myself over the Xmas just taking it step by step. thank you for all the support

LegacyUser

Thats the spirit sadgirl.

You are 26yrs old, the perfect height and weight and you are academically brilliant :-)

You just need to start feeling good about yourself and all you have going for you and dealing with this eating issue and things will fall into place.

It might seem like a notebook full of positivity isn't helping, but how much worse would it be if you didn't use these techniques? - you'll never know, thankfully. Just feel lucky that you have a chance to deal with you issues at a young age before they upset more of your life.

Happy Christmas x