Am i being selfish?

extremelyscared

Hi

Basically i am having an abortion on tuesday and i have suffered awful sickness throughout this pregnancy. My college exams finished yesterday and all my friends were headin out for a big nyt..so obviosuly i wasnt in the best of form. I haven been out in the last 5/6 weeks due to being sick!Whereas my boyfriend has been to the pub loads of times!

Yesterday evening i was coming home and felt like ****..and he decides he is going off to the pub again!I think this is bang out of order!I could do with a bit of support!

Am i being silly?

And please nothing horrible about the abortion - it is my decision not yours to judge!

peekyboo

Of course you're not being silly. You are going through a traumatic and frightening time and you need some support.

Look after yourself xx

Wagon

extremelyscared wrote: »

Hi

Basically i am having an abortion on tuesday and i have suffered awful sickness throughout this pregnancy. My college exams finished yesterday and all my friends were headin out for a big nyt..so obviosuly i wasnt in the best of form. I haven been out in the last 5/6 weeks due to being sick!Whereas my boyfriend has been to the pub loads of times!

Yesterday evening i was coming home and felt like ****..and he decides he is going off to the pub again!I think this is bang out of order!I could do with a bit of support!

Am i being silly?

And please nothing horrible about the abortion - it is my decision not yours to judge!

Dont worry, most here are nice.

Your fella is acting like a bit of a muppet i have to admit. Just tell him that you need him to be there with you and want support (it's not an easy thing to go through) What was he like before you found you were pregnant?

extremelyscared

we have always had a fairly good relationship..apart from him recently saying that he wants a night out with the boys on his own once a month(be4 i found out i was pregnant) - that i dont mind but i dont understand why he does want to go out without me - anyone shed light on this?

Right now i am just feeling like im living with this 24 hours a day literally and he can just swan off and forget about it when I CANT!!!!:(

peekyboo

extremelyscared wrote: »

i dont understand why he does want to go out without me - anyone shed light on this?

OP I think this is probably on his mind a lot too and when he says he wants to go out without you it might be his way of trying to escape for a few hours. Sadly for you, you can't escape from it. I don't know what to advise except to say make sure you speak to someone, professional ideally, about what's going on.

Wagon

extremelyscared wrote: »

we have always had a fairly good relationship..apart from him recently saying that he wants a night out with the boys on his own once a month(be4 i found out i was pregnant) - that i dont mind but i dont understand why he does want to go out without me - anyone shed light on this?

Sometimes it's nice to get away from your other half (not in bad way, but living out of each others pockets can get weary). If my girlfriend wanted to just go out with her mates, i wouldnt care. It's normalI know that when i go out without her it's different because i can get wasted and not have to worry about her having a good time etc...You boyfriend still loves you im sure but he's handling the situation badly.

Right now i am just feeling like im living with this 24 hours a day literally and he can just swan off and forget about it when I CANT!!!!:(

Have you told him this? The best thing i can say is have a sit down with him and tell him that you need him to be with you. And you know that he needs to see his mates as well and that he can but right now you need his support. I'm sure he'll understand where you're coming from and his mates should too.

One more question, does he know what exactly an abortion involves? What's his involvement been like so far in this whole thing?

extremelyscared

yes we have spoken about the actual procedure itself already. Not in huge detail though - do you think the procedure itself should be spoke about?

He is more about how im feeling that anything to do with the actual termination. It has been a joint decision and we spoke about the implications of all our choices, coming to the conclusion that at the moment this is for the best.

Wagon

extremelyscared wrote: »

yes we have spoken about the actual procedure itself already. Not in huge detail though - do you think the procedure itself should be spoke about?

Well, if you were my girlfriend id want to know what it involves.

He is more about how im feeling that anything to do with the actual termination. It has been a joint decision and we spoke about the implications of all our choices, coming to the conclusion that at the moment this is for the best.

Good stuff, you're both on the same wavelength anyway

To be perfectly honest, i think he's just lost as to what to do. He doesn't know how to handle the situation. Can't blame him, i wouldn't know myself. So i reckon the best thing to do it to get him over to your house and tell him how you are and what you want from him.

extremelyscared

thats the problem though i suppose, he cant wave a magic wand and sort it all out!

So i don't even know what to say to him or know what i want him to say to me!

Wagon

extremelyscared wrote: »

thats the problem though i suppose, he cant wave a magic wand and sort it all out!

So i don't even know what to say to him or know what i want him to say to me!

Just tell him what you said in your origonal post and that you need more support from him, at least until this whole thing is over. There's no good in bottling it up.

CDfm

I sort of disagree with abortion.

That aside - his attitude stinks.

LegacyUser

Are you having the abortion by your own choice, or under pressure from your boyfriend?

Either way, any guy who would not only stand by, but actually sit in the pub while she sits at home sick and scared with worry, is an absolute waster, a parasite. Sorry if that comes across as offensive, but you will have to live with this for the rest of your life. He will move on when it suits him, which evidently won't take long. I wish guys like that weren't spreading their gene pool around.

Victor

extremelyscared wrote: »

apart from him recently saying that he wants a night out with the boys on his own once a month

Doing things apart occasionally (1-2 times a week) is healthy for a relationship. Constantly doing it is less than healthy.

CDfm

I hope I am not being picky but are you totally comfortable having the abortion.

Wibbs

This thread will not go down the road of an abortion debate, unless the OP brings it up herself and asks specifically about it. As she said "And please nothing horrible about the abortion - it is my decision not yours to judge". So lets all stick to what she asked about. Just want to head this off at the pass as we all know how such threads can degenerate. Thanks.

extremelyscared

Yes i am totally comfortable with my decision. And no, this thread was not intended to bring up the issue of abortion and different individuals views on the subject!

I am just annoyed that he can't see that right now i need him (to even bring a bit of normality to things)...my morning sickness lasts all day but when i am with him i can forget in some ways at times!!

I think i am going a bit over the top. Perhaps people are right in saying that he is unsure of how to handle it either....

I don't want this to finish us either!The entire situation stinks!

CDfm

Of course you are right Wibbs - but the OP should have proper support

*SNIP*

Wibbs

Yes but posting of a pro or con link isnt on. That's for everyone too on both sides. The helpful links stickie in the main PI forum should suffice hopefully. Thanks

CDfm

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes but posting of a pro or con link isnt on. That's for everyone too on both sides. The helpful links stickie in the main PI forum should suffice hopefully. Thanks

Wibbs - I dont know if the link is pro or con - just that its a free support line for crisis pregnancy.

I do think that the OP should speak to someone -if its a progroup the OP should look it up so that if she needs support pre or post the abortion.

It might be an idea to see what facilities your college/students union has or if they have a Womens Welfare office.

The services are free.

Chinafoot

CDfm wrote: »

Wibbs - I dont know if the link is pro or con - just that its a free support line for crisis pregnancy.

I do think that the OP should speak to someone -if its a progroup the OP should look it up so that if she needs support pre or post the abortion.

It might be an idea to see what facilities your college/students union has or if they have a Womens Welfare office.

The services are free.

Jesus. The girl has made her decision. I'm sure it wasn't a decision she made lightly and for you imply that it was (and yes, that is what you're doing) is very offensive. She's come here asking for relationship advice, not to have you shove your beliefs down her throat.

To the OP, listen to Wagon on this one. You need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him how much you could do with his support. He's probably just as confused and scared as you are. Hopefully a clam discussion will make him see sense.

Also, on the issue of him wanting a night out with the lads once a month. Thats totally reasonable and very healthy for any relationship. Its not a reflection on you and it doesn't mean he doesn't want you around. It just means that he wants a night out with his mates. On these occasions you should organise a night out with your own friends. It'd be good for both of you. With the situation at the moment you must be feeling pretty isolated but don't let his desire for a night out with the boys make you think it menas he doesnt want to be with you. Your head is probably all over the place so try not to read too much into that.

Hope everything goes okay on Tuesday. Best of luck.

CDfm

The OP is not getting the support she needs. I am not pushing my views just saying that the OP should contact a support group and there are pro-groups out there.

The reason being that she has someone she can call for support now and when she comes back if her partner is not supportive to her.

I dont know if they provide facities over in the UK and tell her what medical aftercare she might expect to get here and from where.

I wouldnt know where to send the OP but if it was my daughter or friend I would make it my business to find out.

I would expect the OPs boyfriend to give support as he has an input here.If the OP is not getting support from here she should access the facilities available elsewhere.

Good luck OP and chin up.

hollis12

CDfm wrote: »

The OP is not getting the support she needs. I am not pushing my views just saying that the OP should contact a support group and there are pro-groups out there.

The reason being that she has someone she can call for support now and when she comes back if her partner is not supportive to her.

I dont know if they provide facities over in the UK and tell her what medical aftercare she might expect to get here and from where.

I wouldnt know where to send the OP but if it was my daughter or friend I would make it my business to find out.

I would expect the OPs boyfriend to give support as he has an input here.If the OP is not getting support from here she should access the facilities available elsewhere.

Good luck OP and chin up.

regardless of the right or wrong of abortion, it sounds like theres a possibility that your other half is uncomfortable about the abortion, you mentioned the recent deterioration of your relationship which seemed to go hand in hand with your plans to abort the baby/pregnancy.

John Mason

hollis12 wrote: »

regardless of the right or wrong of abortion, it sounds like theres a possibility that your other half is uncomfortable about the abortion, you mentioned the recent deterioration of your relationship which seemed to go hand in hand with your plans to abort the baby/pregnancy.

he is probably upset and scared as is the op, he is dealing with it his way, which is probably isnt the best way.

the op and her bf have made their, they appear to have talked out all the options and made the right decision for them.

op good luck with everything and hope it all turns out okay for you.

hollis12

best of luck op anyway, my best advice would be to consider going to a relationship therapist, that way you can both address issues in a safe environment and hopefully develop a stronger bond.

Miss Fluff

extremelyscared wrote: »

we have always had a fairly good relationship..apart from him recently saying that he wants a night out with the boys on his own once a month(be4 i found out i was pregnant) - that i dont mind but i dont understand why he does want to go out without me - anyone shed light on this?

Right now i am just feeling like im living with this 24 hours a day literally and he can just swan off and forget about it when I CANT!!!!:(

Having the odd night out without your partner is healthy and it is important. Don't lose "you" and who you are to your other half. Him wanting to go out without you the odd time is ok. You should too.

I do think it seems like he is being a sh1t to you right now though. Do you mind me asking what age you guys are? He seems very immature in the way he is dealing with this. I can only speak from friend's experiences but everything isn't suddenly going to be magically "fine" on Tuesday evening and he probably needs to know this. I can't imagine it to have been an easy decision so you need to TELL HIM how you feel. He is doing the typical ostrich and burying his head in the sand over this but just be honest and upfront and tell him you need his support now and afterwards as well.

davyjose

Wibbs wrote: »

This thread will not go down the road of an abortion debate, unless the OP brings it up herself and asks specifically about it.

Actually she did bring it up, it's right there on the first line, see it?

Abortion is illegal in this country, and frankly, if the OP's "choice" was to drink-drive or beat someone up, this thread would be locked.

extremelyscared

Yes 'davyjose' and i made my intentions clear for this thread. As many have pointed out, this thread is seeking relationship advice and not your personal views or legality issues on abortion.

CDfm - i do find it extremely difficult to accept that anyone could make a decision to terminate a pregnancy without speaking to a qualified person. i have spoken to college support, those at CURA and the Irish Family Planning Authority. In which, the IFPA were undoubtedly the best and the situation was totally comfortable.

It makes me extremely angry that those who are pro life are often extremely pushy on their views. I am not heading down this road of discussion. My decision has been made and I do not need to hear any personal opinions on MY situation.

Thank you to all who correctly addressed the issue I was seeking support in relation to. I am 21 years old and my bf is also 21.
I have taken the advice on this forum and had a sit down with my boyfriend and we have discussed how i am feeling. I do most certainly feel this has helped, i only wish i had done it sooner!

Thank you to all!!

Emme

Abortion isn't legal in this country which makes it harder for those who make that choice so please don't make it harder again by being judgmental.

OP, have you had post-abortion counselling? You seem a bit down which is to be expected. Your OH is probably feeling bad as well. Counselling for you both is a good idea, but if you haven't had post-abortion counselling you should get it. The Well Woman Centre might be able to help.

The Recliner

davyjose wrote: »

Actually she did bring it up, it's right there on the first line, see it?

Abortion is illegal in this country, and frankly, if the OP's "choice" was to drink-drive or beat someone up, this thread would be locked.

Davyjose banned for a week for ignoring moderation and arguing it on thread

Maria G

Emme wrote: »

You seem a bit down which is to be expected. Your OH is probably feeling bad as well. Counselling for you both is a good idea, but if you haven't had post-abortion counselling you should get it.

Rachel's Vinyard are one of the best for post-abortion counselling. Unfortunately a lot of women today are suffering from post-abortion trauma so here's a link should you need it. http://www.rachelsvineyard.ie/

LegacyUser

best of luck tomorrow OP hope all goes well x

CDfm

OP - i hope everything is ok. my kids are a little younger than you and i came to the decision a while back that if my daughter ever found herself in that position i would respect her judgement and assist her however i could.

i cant possibly know the situation you are in but do know that kids are very expensive.

extremelyscared

Thank you to everyone on boards.ie. I am recovering well.

If anyone reading this is in a similar situation- please do not hesitate pm me.....it helps to speak to someone who has been through the same thing.

Thanks