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trouble initiating with partner

  • 18-12-2009 10:45am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello,

    I'm a man in his early 30's who is living with his girlfriend (also in early 30's).
    Let me get one thing out of the way to start. I love my girlfriend. I know she is the one for me.
    I am worried about something and I want advice about how best to approach this without upsetting her though.
    We moved in together a while back. At the moment we are together at most probably once a week sometimes there is a longer break between. Its incredible when we are. Genuinely feel like we have a connection. The problem is that she usually initiates this. Now my complaint is not quantity at all, its the quality of when we are together that is important and sleeping together is just one part of our relationship. We get on great overall. We have our ups and downs like normal couples and are comfortable enough with each other that we know we can have the odd spat where we say whats upsetting each other for 10 15 mins and then over and done with. We never have big rows or anything like.
    What is upsetting me however is that whenever we sleep together it happens because she initiates it. I want to be able to initiate with her and feel like I was able to turn her on that way. The problem is that sometimes I would start and she would be like 'oh stop, we have to be at jim or bobs for 8.30' (she would not want to be late for the sake of a bit of romance). Or more recently after some kissing, 'ok we have to put the washing on now'. I broached the subject , I got frustrated one day when the romantic mood was killed by something silly like folding washing. She can read me very well and could tell I wasn't happy and I told her I feel rejected when I try and initiate, we are in a romantic situation and she just gets it into her head to stop it dead. She was of the opinion that sometimes she does not know whether I'm just making out or trying to initiate sleeping together. She assures me sleeping with me is incredible for her too (hence why she initiates). Just I think the crux of the matter is she likes to know when things start which way they are going to go (a passionate kiss or more). I think I just want to run with it and let the mood take over. She also feels that there are things that just have to get done before she can relax (like having the house work done first etc...)
    Is there something wrong with me? How do you advise I work on this with her, because I told her a few weeks back that it has put me off trying to initiate anything sexual with her and that is not healthy. I do not want to hurt her feelings and I dont want her to think its all about quantity of sex etc... Like i said earlier it isn't. We really love each other , I just want to feel like I can turn her on as well. It's something I want us to work on and move on from.

    Advice please :-)


Comments

  • #2
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Just be more dominant/commanding with her. Next time you're snogging and it's getting heavy and she comes up with some yawnsome excuse about the laundry, tell her the laundry will keep.

    It just sounds like she isn't at all spontaneous. Talk to her about it (not in "you're not this" and "you don't do this" way) but telling her crazy you are about her and that having sex without planning it should be half the fun.

    Also maybe assure her that every time you are snogging/petting it doesn't always have to end in penetrative sex.


  • #3
    Pete4779
    Closed Accounts Posts: 622 ✭✭✭Pete4779


    I think you may have to refuse her next time she wants to go at it. She controls the relationship.

    Now, I am not saying turn it all on it's head, but there has to be a bit of push and pull emotionally for you to have an equal footing in it.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the replies. Miss Fluff I think you hit the nail on the head. I think it is a spontaneity thing. Pete, thanks for the advice but to be honest I do think we are fairly equal footing in the relationship. As for the refuse her, from time to time I have but only when I was tired, back from a hard nights football training etc... genuinely was not in the mood for it! Likewise it goes both ways in that regard. I dont mind when she refuses because she is tired and not in the mood. It does go both ways. We both know that we both can have days like that and it isnt in anyway a reflection on the other.
    I dont intend to refuse her to make a point. To me thats a bit childish, I dont want to play games. I think I'll be going with miss fluffs suggestion. Thanks guys.


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