Very bad social situation

TR117

I've gotten myself into a very bad situation with a girl and im really unsure what I should do. In college I was living in a house with some people and although I got on well with them I got kind of depresed while I was there and that caused everyone in the house to become uncomfortable around me so I had to leave. However one of the girls there had a friend in another house. Now that friend was really nice to me and did talk to me about my depression and in general made me feel better. I texted her and talked to her quite a bit. Now that i've moved out i've tried to go see her a few times but i wasn't able to find her. One night I got very drunk and got quite depressed and texted her that I was extremely sorry for what I did and I hope that we are friends. However the next morning I realised what I did and texted her to say sorry and that I didn't mean to say that, I got no reply and then later on I found her and told her again im sorry and she said okay and it was fine. A few hours later I got a text from her friend telling me that she's becoming scared of me and that she gets it that im sorry and I should drop it. I left her alone for a few weeks after that before I tried talking to her and when I did she seemed kind of uncomfortable around me, a little later on I got a text from her friend in my old house that I should stay the hell away from her and that she's really scared of me. I then talked to her and she told me she doesn't have a problem with me and that I don't need to worry she just needs a litle time away from me.
Now im unsure of what I should do because I don't if I should just leave her alone all together and hope she calls or should I try talking to her in the next semester.
Sorry as well for the long wall of text.

dreamer_ire

You have to respect her wishes... she said she needs some time away from you so you must give her that. If you see her around college by all means smile and say hi but for now you shouldn't approach her. Whatever has happened you need to show her that you deserve her trust... and the only way you can do this is to do as she asked.

It may be a case that your friendship is gone and if it has that's hard and can be difficult to deal with. But it's best for you move forward and look for other friends.

If you still need to talk about your issues/depression the Samaratians are great... and they are always there.

Good luck OP

Zaph

For everyone's sake, leave the poor girl alone. If she wants to talk to you she will initiate things, but in the meantime you're just trying too hard and are probably creeping her out, despite what she may say. She may come around and renew her friendship with you, she may not, but there's nothing you can do about it either way. If she wants nothing to do with you and you persist with trying to contact her she might end up making a complaint to the Gardaí, and the last thing you want is to be branded some sort of stalker.

cafecolour

Leave her alone completely. Any further initiation is going to scare her more.

Focus on curing the depression, and getting a wider social circle, so you don't just fixate on one.

TR117

I should point out that i don't actually have depression I used to a about a year ago. The only time I got depressed in the house was one night when I was really drunk I for some reason broke down crying and said I hate myself again thats not really how I feel. In all honesty I never wanted to talk to her about it but she kept asking me about it. Anyway I don't want to forget about her because its hard for me to make friends and we got on well with each other and I know she will probably forget about me considering she has a lot more friends from secondary and her course here.

Kimia

TR117 wrote: »

Anyway I don't want to forget about her because its hard for me to make friends and we got on well with each other and I know she will probably forget about me considering she has a lot more friends from secondary and her course here.

Will you please leave the poor girl alone. You have to forget about her because she has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be friends with you and you're creeping her out (and me tbh).

Stop forcing yourself on her! YOu need to focus on sorting your head out first.

ash23

You keep saying you "couldn't find her" and then you "found her". Where? Did you go to her house? Look for her in college? Wait at her favourite bar?

You are scaring her. She told you to leave it and you kept texting her and "finding" her to apologise. She is upset and scared and you need to leave her alone. Delete her number. If you see her nod and smile but don't speak to her.
If you don't stop you will get a name as a "stalker" or a "weirdo". You will be known as the guy who fixates on people and nobody will speak to you for fear of the same thing happening. If you wish to commit social suicide then my all means, pursue this friendship. However the best result you can hope for is another bollcking from your old housemate and a rep as the "stalker". Worst case you end up with the gardai or the girls dad and burly brothers on the doorstep.

Best thing you can do is leave her alone and stop freaking her out. Go and make some new friends. Join a soc, get a part time job, join a gym....do ANYTHING you have to in order to keep you busy and get you out of this obsessive fixation you have on a girl who did nothing other than feel sorry for you. She doesn't want to be your friend. Accept that.

LegacyUser

Hey,

When you speak of "suffering from depression" and then say you suffered from depression one night when you broke down one night and said you hate yourself, was this what your depression was always like. You need to decipher between having bad spells and being depressed. You need to speak to your GP if you haven't done so and go and speak to a counsellor. I know what depression is like and constantly texting people and trying to find them is not something that is associated with depression directly. Seriously try and take it easy mate and go get help.

opinion guy

Now that i've moved out i've tried to go see her a few times but i wasn't able to find her. One night I got very drunk and got quite depressed and texted her that I was extremely sorry for what I did and I hope that we are friends. However the next morning I realised what I did and texted her to say sorry and that I didn't mean to say that, I got no reply and then later on I found her and told her again im sorry and she said okay and it was fine.

Its not clear to me - what did you do?

LegacyUser

OP you post reminds me of someone I knew years ago. He was suffering from depression and used to make a complete nuisance of himself with me and a few pother people too. I didn't ever really know him that well but he would not leave me alone, I was kind to him because I felt sorry for him and at first I didn't mind him but he became too much very quickly, he was so demanding. When he realised I wasn't always responding to him he would was trying to let us drift apart he would contact me to apologise profusely for annoying me, I would then get more text messages apologizing for contacting me to apologise! I would get drunken text messages again apoligising, I even got text messages he sent around to lots of people saying he was going to kill himself, then another message apologising again!

It was clear to everyone accept him that all he was doing was desperately trying to keep contact, even though he was aware that people didn't really want it.

It doesn't sound like you're as a bad as this guy I knew but it sounds like you're going down the same route. You know this girl doesn't want you to contact her, you know you are freaking her out (and I am not surprised) so leave her alone. You don't need to contact her to apologise, you do not need to go and 'find' her to expain, you should not use drunkenness as an excuse to contact her. Just leave her alone.

Siogfinsceal

honestly i would say just leave her alone. You can understand why she is a bit freaked out when someone who is just a friend of a friend keeps contacting her. You apologised, she accepted. There is no need or reason for you to keep trying to contact her or find her

Seek help for your depression and once your feeling better try to get out and meet new people

xzanti

OP are you male or female?

I, like a couple of posters above am a little lost with the whole story

opinion guy

Still waiting for your answer...
And another question - how is your self-esteem ?

TR117

opinion guy wrote: »

Still waiting for your answer...
And another question - how is your self-esteem ?

Well what I did was basically talk about it to her which in retrospect seems unfair considering I was basically making her deal with my problems. Anyway before I got here my self esteem was okay but after what has happened its kind of crap because im not really sure if I can talk to someone properly again in case I do the same thing again and im not sure anymore if a person is friendly towards me because they like me or that they feel sorry for me; I thought she did like considering she asked to some out with her a few times and she asked me to go to lunch with her as well. Also yes I am a guy.

LegacyUser

TR117 a couple of questions and some observations that might help


are you suffering from depression ? what I mean is have you been professionally diagnosed and are you getting professional treatment ?

If the answer is yes then speak with your primary medical professional whether that's your GP or a counsellor/physchologist. Tell them what is going on .

If the answer is no then stop wasting people's time with something that may not be real. If you really believe you are suffering from depression then go to your GP.

This one might upset you so you need to think very carefully about this question: do you understand the impact you have on people you speak with ? do you have any awareness of this? Everyone in the house where you were living became 'uncomfortable' with you. That rings alarm bells: whether you are diagnosed with depression or not.

You need to think very carefully about your behaviour and the impact it is having on other people. In particular you need to think about the impact of your behaviour with this girl/woman.

If you have been diagnosed with depression this is something you need to discuss with your GP/counsellor. If you have not not then you need to decide what you are going to do about this. Are you going to do something to sort yourself out or are you willing to go through life doing this ?

Either way, best of luck and take the advice above: leave this girl alone. Really.

estar

get a councellor so that you dont have to rely on friends to listen to your problems it is far easier. you can then be lighthearted around friends. when you have depression it works far better, and avoids this type of situation. you will meet plenty of people, the more positive you are the more you will meet, and this girl cant be all that great if she is talking about you behind your back and is scared. leave her alone, and save your pride. maybe you cant understand it but you must accept it or risk further rejection.

LegacyUser

estars advice is very good.

We're not really meant to burden our social circle with our problems, especially not when you're still just trying to make friends.

It sounds like this girl is a bit immature and didn't understand what she was getting into. But thats over now OP, you have nothing more to do with this girl as she was never a close friend to start with and you've said all your apologies. People make their own decisions so stop thinking you have anything to do with hers, so no more apologies. In fact, every time you feel compelled to make contact with her from now on or even to think about her, distract yourself instead, get a movie, phone a real friend, do something that makes YOU feel good, cause thinking about her and this mess is not making you feel good, is it? Bear in mind that how you feel now is not how you are going to continue to feel, so make the right choices now and in a few weeks this will be forgotten, and don't give this girl or her mates anymore to talk about.

The situation is over now, so behave that way.

tequilarose24

I personally can't see anything wrong with what the OP has "done". All he wanted was a friendly person to talk to about how he is feeling. Whats wrong with that?
But i do agree with estar in that he should perhaps talk to someone who is trained and experienced in helping him to cope.
Maybe as a New Year resolution we could all try be a bit more sensitive to eachother, it's a difficult time of year for many people:o