Possibly

LegacyUser

I am dating this girl who I know is in love with me, and I am in love with her.

I am sometimes jealous over things that might happen, or I get suspicous, this is an area I am improving in as I really think this girl is worth it, and just for my own happiness in general.

I had some fears that something happened between her and another guy, but I was starting to think I was just paranoid.

Then I looked through my gfs call list and his number was there as called. She would have no reason to ring him.

..I can't actually recall the exact details for that day...so she may have been up and about

...Either way the call was unanswered and it was outgoing from her phone....


She swears that she has no idea how it got there and that it can only be as a result of her accidentally dialling it and then hanging up before it rang through, as otherwise he would have seen a missed call etc...we have met this guy since and he never mentioned to her about a missed call on his phone....so according to her story it must have dialled briefly and stopped again.


His number is hardly ever used on her phone, last time was supposed to be over a month ago. The first letter of his name is the last letter on the key ie abc....


In my head I think she is telling the truth, but out of 100+ numbers it seems unlikely that she would call him accidentally, then hang up before it rang and never notice it....


My logic says she is lying, my head and hear want to believe her....

Silverfish

My phone, left unattended in a pocket or bag, has at some time called everyone in my contacts. If I hang it up before it actually rings, it shows as a missed call on mine, and nothing on theirs.

Is there anything else that would give cause to the feeling she is lying to you?

LegacyUser

I think it was around about the time we were getting up, it was a weekend day...she reckons we were still in bed when it happened so she is saying it must have happened when she turned off an alarm or something....as I said I can't be sure....

I have no real reason to believe anything, as I say I find it hard to judge between paranoid thoughts and real events.

I had one or two small reasons to suspect something, but nothing concrete.

This would have to be a remarkable coincidence.

She is adamant nothing happened and that she really loves me, she does an awful lot of nice things for me and certainly appears to be in love.

LegacyUser

I know phones do this from time to time, I have done it before at the most inopportune times, to the last person in the world I'd want to ring as I may be discussing them...

For her story to be true it means she accidentally rang him, and accidentally hung up as well...

Mathematically this is a big ask...


In my head I am choosing to believe her, but I needed to discuss it with some other people to get some opinions, we all want to believe the best side of things....

LegacyUser

there is no love if you can't trust her.
love is to bear some risk and may get hurt.
if you are afraid of being hurt, then don't love.

XarcherX

hi OP, First off you shouldn't have looked at her phone, that's only adding fuel to your imagination if you have no concrete proof that there's something going on.. and to be honest if this is all you're going on, an outbound unanswered call then i would drop it.
I speak from experience, you being suspicious and paranoid will without a doubt ruin a perfectly good and loving relationship.
I speak from experience of both sides of the fence, my ex tormented me for the last year of our 5 year relationship always checking my phone, emails etc. it seemed like he wouldn't rest until he could prove i was lying, he was not the happy, confident man i fell in love with and i got sick of explaining myself over and over so i finished it.
That was just my experience, not saying you're like that at all...
You probably have niggling doubts in your head but going by your post you suggest you have a suspicious nature. Don't let something small like this eat you up, and don't make him a big deal in her eyes.
She's with you for a reason.
hope it works out for ya

LegacyUser

Pratai, locic works for math, not relationships. Its also useful for self evaluation at times, i.e, has your paranoia had a negative impact on other relationships in your life, with friends / family etc?

You're not a bad person, you just need to sort it out for both your sakes. If you feel she is worth it then keep fighting the doubt but do get some help.

Hope you are ok, lots of people go through this and it can be tough.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Thanks for the replies it's useful to hear other viewpoints. I am getting help with my paranoia, but I really need to learn to let go and just trust. I find it harder than I like to admit sometimes, so I think I look for reasons not to trust instead as they tend to be more tangible.

We are not fighting over it, she was very upset as was I, but we handled it well and I want to prove to her over the coming months that I trust her, as she deserves that from her boyfriend.

It just seemed like such a shock when i saw it, to be honest I still wonder how it could happen, of all the people in the phone, but I need to relax and let go.

Thanks,

LegacyUser

Paranoia tends not to be a choice Sunflower.

That said if someone is cheating on me I would rather know about it and not waste my time with them.

People cheat, it happens, I may be over cautious about it but I don't think there is any harm in protecting oneself.

MissFlitworth

Pratai head wrote: »

People cheat, it happens, I may be over cautious about it but I don't think there is any harm in protecting oneself.

There is if instead of protecting yourself what you're actually doing is ending perfectly good relationships by snooping and obsessing over things and giving the person you're in love with the impression that you don't trust them.

LegacyUser

I don't think you are being very fair to the OP. He shouldn't have done that and needs to learn to let go but people come in all shapes and sizes, both physically and mentally.

He's said he is going to work on it and is already getting help with it. I doubt he is choosing to be paranoid. People who are genetically prone to paranoia are entitled to be in relationships too. Paranoia tends to feed on logic and creates a battle within peoples minds and it can be hell.

cafecolour

First off, don't be going through her call list on her phone. She must be pretty tolerant, since I'd drop anyone who did that to me instantly. Any point where you go to do that is where you should tell yourself "I'm being paranoid by doing this, let it go."

Logically, there's plenty of pretty normal explanations for the call:

- She could of accidentally dialed his number trying to dial the person above/below him, realized it, hung up, called the correct person.

- She could of accidentally dialed his number doing something else - like turning off the alarm, looked at the phone, realized 'whoops, I'm calling someone' and hung up quickly. Something like that happens she'd forget about instantly, esp. first thing in the morning.

- She accidentally called him in her pocket or something, it went to voicemail, he got a voicemail full of background noise. He ignored it.

- She accidentally called him. He got a missed call. He ignored it. If I get a missed call, I'll call them back if it's a mate I talk to a lot. If it's someone I rarely talk to, I'd ignore it unless there was voicemail or text. Or if I fancied them, I'd call back. I'd never mention a missed call to someone when I saw them later. That'd be a bit weird to me.

The fact that she's almost never calls him, and that when there was a call, it didn't connect, there was no follow up text/voicemail and he didn't respond at all pretty much means there's nothing going on.

Accidental calls happen to the most inopportune folks. I once called my boss 3 times in a row in my pocket. My mate called his girlfriend in his pocket while we talking about her, and it recorded the entire conversation to her voicemail. To conclude that there's an affair from this is a big leap in plausibility.

Taltos

First off Pratai - I am a firm believer that we create / shape our own realities.

So - think you know where I am going & coming from - if you persist in this way of thinking / living - the one thing you fear the most you will cause to happen.
Note the you here - not her, not the other fella - you.

Possessiveness / paranoia are not attractive.
How do I know - cause I was just like you.
Well not quite - I never ever invaded someone elses privacy as you have done. That to me is a demonstration of a total lack of respect.

In my case it was because I had been cheated on. As a result it took me many years before I could trust again or commit to a relationship.

I seriously recommend you do some soul searching and if you cannot move past these negative feelings then you only have one thing you can do - End It. End it now - let her go and find someone who will respect her boundaries.

Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't then stop wasting your and her time here.

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

First off, don't be going through her call list on her phone. She must be pretty tolerant, since I'd drop anyone who did that to me instantly. Any point where you go to do that is where you should tell yourself "I'm being paranoid by doing this, let it go."

Logically, there's plenty of pretty normal explanations for the call:

- She could of accidentally dialed his number trying to dial the person above/below him, realized it, hung up, called the correct person.

- She could of accidentally dialed his number doing something else - like turning off the alarm, looked at the phone, realized 'whoops, I'm calling someone' and hung up quickly. Something like that happens she'd forget about instantly, esp. first thing in the morning.

- She accidentally called him in her pocket or something, it went to voicemail, he got a voicemail full of background noise. He ignored it.

- She accidentally called him. He got a missed call. He ignored it. If I get a missed call, I'll call them back if it's a mate I talk to a lot. If it's someone I rarely talk to, I'd ignore it unless there was voicemail or text. Or if I fancied them, I'd call back. I'd never mention a missed call to someone when I saw them later. That'd be a bit weird to me.

The fact that she's almost never calls him, and that when there was a call, it didn't connect, there was no follow up text/voicemail and he didn't respond at all pretty much means there's nothing going on.

Accidental calls happen to the most inopportune folks. I once called my boss 3 times in a row in my pocket. My mate called his girlfriend in his pocket while we talking about her, and it recorded the entire conversation to her voicemail. To conclude that there's an affair from this is a big leap in plausibility.

I understand that I shouldn't have been looking at her calls, I accept that was wrong, that is not what I am here to talk about. I am working on my trust issues.


That said I can't help but feel that having a call to a guy I suspected there was something going with is a big coincidence. I know when people cheat they delete all relevant calls etc, I understand how it works, she may have just forgotten to delete this one.


She is not friends with this guy per se. When I asked her about the call she denied knowing it ever happened so all of the above possibilities are not what happened, she claims to have no idea what happened....She said the last time she rang him was months ago....I know her phone and I know how it works, it would actually be pretty difficult to accidentally call this particular number and to accidentally hang up again before it rang....


I am choosing to believe it's a coincidence but it is good to hear others opions.

LegacyUser

I would rather just stick to this topic for now: I wonder if people think it's likely that she accidentally dialled and hung up (before it got a chance to ring) a number that she never uses without ever been aware that it even happened.

The Recliner

OP we don't allow registered users to back set Mod so the same rules apply to you too

If you don't want to answer a question then just don't reply to it

*Edit*
Actually i am locking this thread, the OP doesn't seem to want advice just justification for his paranoia, we can't give him that