should I retract the stoopid ultimatum?

whydididothat?

brief background:

We're both near our mid 30s. Broke up quite a few months ago, did the "friends" thing on her terms for the summer, finally told her in october how I felt and what I wanted with her (marriage kids etc) and her alone, spent since then breaking all the 'rules', either begging & pleading to being confident when we met, talking and retalking about it. She has said since her initial rejection in october that she is wavering between wanting to get back into it but also is scared it won't work out. Our last face to face was in november, was very amicable, she wanted space to think about things and we meet in the future and she'll have an answer, I didn't take that so well and told her if she didn't want 'in' then never to call me. Ended it with a lovely kiss and went our separate ways which lasted a week and then we ended up with a couple of calls and txts since (and yes, a drunken 3am call which she answered!)

The whole way through all this, regardless how pathetic i may have come across at times, there are intermittent normal day to day chats, be they on the phone or txt.. (more often than not txt from her side). She is deffo holding onto something as am I.. we were near 4 yrs together when we broke up.

Anyway in an emotional state monday after a weekend of 'daily life txts' I put it to her that we should take 2 weeks and meet up on the sunday after xmas, if she don't show then we both accept that and move on, but if she does its ONLY to start down the road of reconcilation, which I gather she wants if she can get over some of our negative history.

Question now to you guys is: I feel a bit stoopid and immature to have requested that, its basically an ultimatum and I don't want that. I want to be able to fix myself and move on somewhat and learn to let go of her and if she CHOOSES to come back into my life then thats the way I would rather it begin again...

I know by retracting the email now, I am gonna lookin even more mental than before, but I guess I just seeking advice, esp from anyone who may've been in this position before, as to whether i'd be right to retract, continue with not contacting her afterwards and however life will work out then so be it...

muboop1

Mate, I amn't sure what you done was best of if all power is in her control bothers you or what.

But basically what I got from that was mainly positive.

You want her. She's been sitting on the fence or so to say.

You are getting mixed signals which are
A) not letting you get past and meet someone new etc.
wrecking your head

It's a most un-enjoyable situation.

So being messed around has gotten to much. You've shown your hand. You want her to show you hers or leave it be.

That is in my opinion totally reasonable.

BUT only if you keep to it. As in, if she stands you up, delete her number and honestly cut all contact.

Else shes using you for something, I will not say what as I don't know either of you... but something! And thats not fair because you will essentially be getting strung along.

Mate stop worrying. Show confidence in your move and stick to it. Anyway, you never know, an injection of confidence and not fawning over her might actually make her see you in a new light...

Sometimes girls want to be made princesses, others they want you to be a man and stand up and well, dominate... not be submissive... (disclaimer... this is my opinion... a guys.. so may not be 100% accurate, just what I have seen)

WhatWillBee

oh ive been where you are OP.

You get so sick of the other person going back and forth that you end up doing something like your ultimatum and then suddenly you realise that they might not actually show up and that if you just give them time you might be better off and so you want to take it all back.

Let me tell ya, IMO, stick to the ultimatum.

If youd sent an email like that a week after youd broken up or something then Id say definitely take it back, but you have been on this emotional rollercoaster for a while now so I think your email was well within reason.

Look, if she shows up or not, at least you know where you stand. Its the not knowing that kills isnt it? She needs to make a decision and she wont as long as she doesnt have to, and at this stage more time will change nothing.

Lifes too short to hang around chasing someone that isnt even letting you catch up a little So I think you did right. You cant go on like this forever and all you did was let her know that. If she doesnt show, at least you can start moving on, and while it will be crap it will still be better than being in limbo. And if she does show up then at least you know you are both in it together.

Best of luck, stand your ground, youll be sorry if you take that email back and will only send another similar one eventually. Let us know what happens!

Warfi

You've done the right thing by giving her a timeframe. You can't spend the rest of your life to-ing and fro-ing....it'll just wreck your head. And your head would be even more wrecked if she decided to go off with someone else while you're still in limbo.
You know what you want, you've let her know what you want. Now it's up to her to give you the final word on it. Worst case scenario is that she won't turn up, which'd be tough but the upside would be that you can start getting over her.

In the meantime, start living your life again.....you might even meet someone who knows what they want

LegacyUser

well, not long after posting my original piece.. [and thanks guys, for taking the time to give your thoughts, had read your advice and was gonna stick to it], the ex rings..

she was gonna email me but felt it best to tell me in person. She felt that maybe I was confused! (YA THINK!?!) She has been having doubts and maybe didn't express herself right, she is having doubts she made the best decision in her mind, i.e. NOT to try reconcile, but she HAD made that decision... she felt waiting another 2 weeks for her not to show up was unfair on me (girl knows me SO well....).. anyway, she can't see past our history and cannot see what the future would be like, could I??

well now (without the aid of my time travel machine cos its in for a service), whats the point in not letting her know what she is missing (and yeah, maybe thats petty, but she did string me along!) so I reiterated, in more detail.. I really thought if we reconciled now, at our age, then we know what we want, so maybe our first kid by 2011, maybe throw in a marriage depending on where we are at, even talked kids names!!.. talked about how moving into her area would be the best for schools etc, and yeah, I had thought about these things, I didn't want to go back into a R/ship without knowing what the future would look like..

anyway, she gobsmacked again!, poor girl waited years for me to talk like this when we were together..... she wished we could go back a year or two and have me realise all this then.... Uh, sorry.. can't change the past love, told ya, my time machine is friar tucked..

She going to a wedding at the weekend for the first time in her life without a partner, she doesn't wanna go. She is not the kind of girl who would go 'hook up' with a rebound so the thoughts of drunken single/married men hitting on her is not appealing. She has confused feelings, she feels she has made an error but doesn't want to retract it, she is sure I have good intentions, but she cannot move fwd with me. She thinks this may be her biggest regret.. I laughed and jokingly told her she'd be at my door by february!!!.. lol.. she didn't laugh too loud though..hmmmm... (I know I know, enough with the letting more hope creep in Op!)

She wants to sit down and have lunch me, and I agreed, IN the future sometime when I have let go of her and my feelings have gone, not that they'll go completely, but I wanna be able to sit in front of her, happy for her, happy she was in my life, but NOT wishing I could be with her again. She asked if she could contact me, I told her if she feels like it, but be prepared that I don't answer and don't be offended when that happens.. (I expect a txt on 25th and 31st.. nearly lay money on it!)

I need to get back to my life, I guess the last few months brought out feelings I hadn't acknowledged after the breakup and now I gotta address em and then put them back in a box...

so, having gone from 'should I retract the ultimatum' I am now at, 'I need to move on with my life properly once and for all' all in the space of one evening.. Gee, I can't wait for tomorrow.... whats that gonna bring?!

and I was calm, confident, matter of fact the whole way through bar a little chink in the armour at the end as we shared some personal jokes and I got a bit choked up, but the end of anything isn't nice (Unless its a reality tv show)

I know I can get through this, have tried and failed, c'est la vie. Its made me a better person now, cos i know what i want and I am young enough to go find it... shame it wasn't with her.. but hey.. her loss right??!!

At the end of the day, Rejection sucks..... thats why I'm not an actor...

I'm trying to find some humour in all this so sorry if post smacks of insinserity, I am most sincere and trying not to get to a point where I have to cry myself to sleep again tonight... I wanna remember this as a good day, the closing of one chapter and opening of another..
so with that in mind muboop1, it wasn't exactly her 'hand' I was hoping to see before new years!!!! :-D