BF trying to change me??

LegacyUser

hi all, my BF of 2 years has passed some comments recently that stuck in my head..
He is meticulous about how he spends his time, always plans everything and rarely does anything on impulse. Me on the other hand while i work just as hard as he does, i'm a lot more easy going and don't have everything planned 1 month in advance!
i came home from the shop yesterday and forgot something and he said "it's cute that you don't seem to give a sh*t about anything but it won't work for me long term.." he said it in a jokey way and laughed it off..
We're going skiing in Poland for new years week so he said "Get some sunbeds in before we go to Poland, you're too pale and you can't wear makeup over there" and i have a dress picked out to wear new years eve and he's told me to go shopping for another one cos he thinks it's horrible...
Another comments a few weeks back saying my hair would look better blonde..
What the hell is he playing at!? i know these all look like warning signs but i don't know for what! he claims to love me and has only started acting like this in the last couple of months...
i really love him, we live together and get on great most of the time..I don't know how to react to this, i don't want to lose him... How do i fight back!

LegacyUser

Are you Irish? Is your boyfriend from Poland? If he is...

In my experience with eastern european people, the woman is viewed to be "less" than the man. The man is the boss and what he says goes. They are very into their appearance, maybe why he is telling you what to wear and how to do your hair. I think some men (any nationality) just expect the woman/wife figure to be a perfect housewife, to take over where their mother left off.

I would be worried if I was hearing all this from my BF to be honest. You could try to make it clear to him that you are an independant woman and you won't be told what to do or what to wear etc. If he doesn't like this he can go on his merry way.

As I said I have experience of eastern europeans, I know they are not all identical! I'm just saying what I see everyday. I could be WAY off the mark with this whole post so please disregard if it is useless to you.

Taltos

Have you told him to cop onto himself?
Seriously reign him in now - otherwise he is setting himself up steadily but surely from your post - to slowly wear you down.

To me this has all the hallmarks of a controlling / abusive relationship.
I don't think I am over-reacting - but it all depends on how the rest of the conversation goes. Simply reply - listen matey - grow a pair and talk to me as a man not as a pet owner.

Be wary.

LegacyUser

Yes, i have told him to cop on to himself and gotten mad at him over it but it doesn't seem to do any good... he says everything in a half-jokey kind of way and he can be very demeaning. To get out of arguments then says he's only joking but will start with the nasty comments again the next day.
Yes he is Polish - i don't know if it's a culture clash or what but i'm due to go to his home town for the first time on new years and meet his parents for the first time. I am a little bit nervous because i'm shy by nature and don't know any Polish whatsoever.
Also, he tends to go AWOL when drunk and i'm worried about him getting drunk and leaving me somewhere and i don't know anyone.
Am i mad or am i making too big a deal out of this???

Taltos

Anything / any behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable or any conversation whose intent is to belittle you or to make your doubt yourself - well - any of this over an extended period is a form of abuse. Not physical - but mental / emotional.

I am not going to say which is worse - to me abuse is abuse is abuse.

If you have tried to tell him how you feel and he has repeatedly ignored you, and shortly afterwards restarted his old behaviour - then I have to ask - Why are you STILL with him?

Please don't say cause you love him or you can't do any better.
Truth is you might love him - but can you ever see you talking to him as he talks to you?
No.. So if you can see that - why can't he???

As to the alcohol - not good - especially in a strange country. Before you go - if you go - get the name and number of a few hotels - just in case. All I am thinking is if worst case you do get "lost" out some night you have somewhere safe to go back to.

But again - why are you letting anyone - most especially someone you love and who hopefully claims loves you treat you like sh1t?
(saying that cause that is how you are feeling isn't it, bet your confidence is even plummeting and you even doubt that things are as bad as you think - maybe even you now think you are making mountains out of molehills.... I don't think you are)

herya

guitarlady wrote: »

In my experience with eastern european people, the woman is viewed to be "less" than the man. The man is the boss and what he says goes.

Please meet more Eastern Europeans to broaden your experience as the ones you're dealing with must have some serious issues. I'd like to see a man brave enough to tell me or my friends that he's the boss!

If the boyfriend in question is indeed putting his girlfriend down it's his individual bad trait that should be dealt with. He might be a mean person in general or he might be freaking out before he brings her home... not nice either way.

OP tell him sunbeds cause cancer and if he wants you to have another dress he pays for it (you end up with two, not bad). Try fighting back a little, he might be stressed before your holiday/family thing and if he likes to be in control he might be trying to mould you into someone more manageable for him. Don't let him.

LeixlipRed

The nationality of the bf isn't the issue here. It's the fact that he seems to be a complete dick. Tell him to cop on to himself and stop treating you like crap.

hollis12

drivingmemad wrote: »

hi all, my BF of 2 years has passed some comments recently that stuck in my head..
He is meticulous about how he spends his time, always plans everything and rarely does anything on impulse. Me on the other hand while i work just as hard as he does, i'm a lot more easy going and don't have everything planned 1 month in advance!
i came home from the shop yesterday and forgot something and he said "it's cute that you don't seem to give a sh*t about anything but it won't work for me long term.." he said it in a jokey way and laughed it off..
We're going skiing in Poland for new years week so he said "Get some sunbeds in before we go to Poland, you're too pale and you can't wear makeup over there" and i have a dress picked out to wear new years eve and he's told me to go shopping for another one cos he thinks it's horrible...
Another comments a few weeks back saying my hair would look better blonde..
What the hell is he playing at!? i know these all look like warning signs but i don't know for what! he claims to love me and has only started acting like this in the last couple of months...
i really love him, we live together and get on great most of the time..I don't know how to react to this, i don't want to lose him... How do i fight back!

At first what im going to say might not seem relevant but i hope it becomes clear but this is emotional abuse considered by many to have worse affects than both pyshical and sexual abuse but as taltos said abuse is abuse, i went through it at the hand of my parents before and only now am i recovering. taltos is quite tight one of the effects of this is lowering of confidence which leads you to believe that you deserve things you dont, realize your value as a person and one of the basic human rights is to be treated with respect and hes not doing that. realize that please!

as for the different culture thing that is bol%$x my friend went out with a eastern European and after a few days of putting down she sat him down and said listen this is not acceptable, you will not speak to me like this you will treat me with respect, he said ok but continually put her down in front of friends saying respect had to be earned. eventually she said get lost and he said in my culture the woman has to earn her place as a person , to which she said then your culture is backward and not worth sh&t to me. Make your own scripts simple as that learn what you like and what you dont like thats the first step, and trust me you do want to lose him!

hollis12

Taltos wrote: »

Anything / any behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable or any conversation whose intent is to belittle you or to make your doubt yourself - well - any of this over an extended period is a form of abuse. Not physical - but mental / emotional.

I am not going to say which is worse - to me abuse is abuse is abuse.

If you have tried to tell him how you feel and he has repeatedly ignored you, and shortly afterwards restarted his old behaviour - then I have to ask - Why are you STILL with him?

Please don't say cause you love him or you can't do any better.
Truth is you might love him - but can you ever see you talking to him as he talks to you?
No.. So if you can see that - why can't he???

As to the alcohol - not good - especially in a strange country. Before you go - if you go - get the name and number of a few hotels - just in case. All I am thinking is if worst case you do get "lost" out some night you have somewhere safe to go back to.

But again - why are you letting anyone - most especially someone you love and who hopefully claims loves you treat you like sh1t?
(saying that cause that is how you are feeling isn't it, bet your confidence is even plummeting and you even doubt that things are as bad as you think - maybe even you now think you are making mountains out of molehills.... I don't think you are)

very well put taltos this this man you are dating op doesnt deserve respect and the worst thing you could do is give him respect these are creatures to be pitied you on the other hand do so give it to yourself.

krudler

My next door neighbours are polish and he treats her like crap, have heard numerous arguments and overheard him saying some pretty awful things to her, she seems very submissive as well, always walks slightly behind him and she always lets him on the lift first etc and its not just being polite either, thats probably been drummed into her from constantly being put down, not that all polish men are like this obviously but its definitely a culture thing, a lot of asian guys are like this too as they prefer their women to be more passive and less independent, and thats coming from asian friends who told me the same.

If this is going to cause problems down the line then end it now as its only going to get worse

hollis12

krudler wrote: »

My next door neighbours are polish and he treats her like crap, have heard numerous arguments and overheard him saying some pretty awful things to her, she seems very submissive as well, always walks slightly behind him and she always lets him on the lift first etc and its not just being polite either, thats probably been drummed into her from constantly being put down, not that all polish men are like this obviously but its definitely a culture thing, a lot of asian guys are like this too as they prefer their women to be more passive and less independent, and thats coming from asian friends who told me the same.

If this is going to cause problems down the line then end it now as its only going to get worse

well the respect i have for a culture that promotes racism, sexism ect is zilch and as my friend said to her grasshole boyfriend when he used his culture as a excuse "well yes i apreciate that but your culture can go fu*k itself"

herya

guys there is NOTHING let me repeat NOTHING in Polish culture that requires women to be submissive or to take crap from their men. In fact Polish girls can stand up for themselves rather well. Yes there are thick blokes or abusive bast*rds or wifebeaters especially among certain demographics - not unlike here - but don't believe any general culture clash spin. Your bf OP is just a control freak and you need to assess if you have a chance to break it, otherwise good riddance i'd say, you'll find better.

Kimia

I agree. From my experience, Polish women tend to be in charge, not the men!

Your boyfriend sounds like an ass and if you've tried to tell him and he's ignored you, what else can you can? If you want to put up with it stay, if not leave. But if you stay what if you start believing him and doing things his way for an easier life?

RealistSpy

Guys seriously what does Nationality have to do with the OP's question? So lets move on..........

OP just try talking to your partner about how you feel and if he doesn't agree with you leave him.

GL

RossFixxxed

Being horrible is being horrible imho. If you have talked to him, explained how it makes you feel and he's still at it... then walk away.

I know there is a boards tendence to say 'leave him' no matter what but this sounds like total BS to me. It's not on.

Trying to change yourself for ANYONE is a terrible idea. Sure, there are compromises and all that and we do that in any relationship, but being made feel insecure is not on.

Walk away there's plenty of guys who'll like YOU not their own version of something.

You could try talking VERY frankly to him about this, but if it continues then there is only one word you should use 'goodbye'. Life is too short to be trying to mould yourself to some guys stupid ideals.

castle

You know what to do,you sounds very with it, you should not try and make him change as this is the way.You just need to leave him if not 5 years later warning signs gone but you stuck living in Poland with 3 kids and alone. Get out while you can please just do it .

miec

Hi Op

If you want to stay with him but also keep your own integrity I personally would suggest responding to him in a calm manner with some of the following:
When he says (in his fake jokey manner) that he wants you to change your hair colour to blonde - tell him you like the way your hair is.
If he says get another dress, tell him you like this dress and you are wearing it.
Re: sunbed, tell him you like being pale.
As for the comment re: you forgetting something, you could reply back by saying if you are so nit picky with me it won't work with me long term.

Finally I would sit him down and tell him calmly that you care for him but that you hate his form of joking as it annoys you and ask him to stop, pick him up everytime he does it, if he doesn't stop long term then you may have to reconsider your relationship and ask yourself do you want to stay with someone who is trying to change you. I have just had a thought, you said this behaviour is recent, is there any chance he is nervous about bringing you home to meet his parents? I would suggest learning at least a few phrases in Polish. Hope it all works out.

extra-ordinary_

Sounds like he's nervous about bringing you home to meet his family and wants to mould you into what he thinks they would approve of - more Polish looking possibly.
Tell him that his comments are hurtful and ask him where they're coming from.

LegacyUser

hi All, thanks for your replies. He's gone back home for Xmas and my flight is booked to go over to him on NYears Eve.
He was a little like this in the 1st month of our relationship but he relaxed after i sat him down and told him i wasn't happy with the constant jibes...
but in the last couple of weeks he's started up again, nit picking at every little thing i do so maybe it is nerves about me meeting his family and friends... not really a good sign tho is it?
i mean if i'm good enough to live with over here and am constantly around all his polish friends then i should be good enough for him in his own country no?
He is good to me in other ways but i'd hate to think that i'm just someone to tide him over while he decides what to do with his future... but then again if he was ashamed of me then why did he absolutely insist on me going to Poland to meet his parents....
I don't get it.
And taltos, good idea on getting the names of a few hotels in case he does abandon me somewhere in a drunken state. (Hopefully won't happen and he wouldn't do it on purpose but he's unbelievably stupid when drunk, as in out of it! doesn't know where he is or who he's talking to half the time)

Emme

Try to learn some Polish before you go out there and make sure you can take care of yourself in case he goes AWOL.

I went out with a German who was lovely most of the time but when we went over to Germany he turned into an uber-German - bossing me around, very dominant in his own country, a real eye-opener :eek:. Women in Germany are very independent so what would this have been like if it was a culture where women aren't that independent?

I met a load of his family over there - his mum (very nice) and her partner (a gurrier), his dad and his partner (both very nice), his brother and his partner and their little boy (lovely). They all appreciated that I had learnt a bit of German except the gurrier but he didn't count. So try to learn a bit of Polish, if things don't work out between you and bf over there at least his family will see that you are making an effort to speak his language and that you have an interest in his culture.

LegacyUser

Well apparantly they all do sunbeds so the girls are tanned, year-round over there. i wear make up when i go out, usually very little/if any during the week or going to work.
And work is where i met him.
He's just rang me drunk and told me he can't wait for me to come over but not to expect too much... he's too hard to decipher when drunk so i'm not even going to bother trying to analyse it.
i do know phrases in polish but i wouldn't be able to hold a conversation and his family have no english.
i think i'll be able to tell a lot from how he behaves over there when i'm in front of his friends & family...
Kind of shi**ing it to be honest!

Taltos

Chill Op

If anyone should be sh1'ing it - it should be him. Wonder if he realises that he is doing a great job at pushing you away.
Think your patience has to be commended and glad you picked up on the hotel. Nothing worse that being somewhere you do not know with no idea where to go.

Hope it works out for you.

dudara

The drinking aspect worries me - the fact that he is not himself or in control of himself when he's merry is scary. That would be a very negative thing in a relationship for me.