Short Story - Opinions Please

Amanda7148

Hi,

I wrote this a while ago, and published it on a writing website. I got some responses, but I would love some more opinions on my writing style.
Amanda

Men - Observations Of A Wife

It is a well known fact that men and women are very different in the way they think and do. For instance a lot of men find it very difficult to multi task. Actually, a lot of them find it hard to carry out just the one. It is a subject which, as women, it is almost mandatory conversation over coffee with a friend, to list all the things ‘he’ has failed to do yet again. Failed, forgotten - whatever it is, it is a permanent bone of contention for me, and probably a lot of other women out there. (Who are probably in Starbucks as we speak, telling a friend about the towel rail he has not put up for the 7th week running).

In fact it is more than that. Most of my married friends find their husband highly irritating in most areas. There are, of course, exceptions. My sister for example, who has always been totally in love with her husband. They have always made joint decisions and have been united in everything they do. They have been married for over 20 years and they have had some very testing times recently. It has, if possible, made them even stronger. I saw the words in a card my brother in law sent to his wife, and he said ‘We will get through this together - as we always do’.

I have to say there was more than a pang of envy when I saw that. My card, if indeed I had received one at all, would have read ‘Get Well Soon - I have vacuumed for you’. My husband says that a lot in general conversation. ‘I have emptied the bin for you’. ‘I have washed up for you’. Why is it for me? Is it my job to do all these things? Is he looking for praise? After all, there are five of us living in the house - all of which are perfectly capable of carrying out those tasks. It has even rubbed off on the children, who now declare ‘I have cleaned my room for you’! Don’t do it for me - do it for yourselves. Do it because you no longer want to wade through a sea of dirty underwear and sweet wrappers - not for me! I couldn’t give two hoots, as long as my living conditions are sanitary.

On the subject of cards, it is true to say that I received a ‘joint’ birthday and Christmas card from my husband a few years ago, as my birthday falls on the 23rd December. Fair play, Christmas is an expensive time, but I don’t think the budget would have been blown by the purchase of one more card. I did express this sentiment to my husband, but not very eloquently it has to be said. There was still the hint of an atmosphere as the turkey went into the oven 48 hours later.

In everyday life my husband annoys me so much that sometimes I want to punch him. I have never done it, mainly because I know it is not normal behaviour, and the sensible, reasoning part of my brain always kicks in before I swing for him. There was an incident with a Yellow Pages a few years ago. It grazed him on his temple as it flew past. He was remarkably calm (another thing that bugs me).

It’s not all bad. I love going out in company with him. A good meal with friends, talking rubbish and laughing about all kinds of trivia. It is in those situations think he truly appreciates me. I scrub up quite well for a night out and I often catch him smiling at me. I love nothing better than to hold court, telling a wildly embellished tale, relishing in the laughter I create. He once told me that he envied my ability to talk at ease with just about anyone, wishing he was able to do the same.

On our own, it’s a different story altogether. We went out for a meal a while ago, and the waitress came to our table twice to ask if we were alright. She said we looked lost. It was probably because we were both staring out into the restaurant, looking at other couples talking animatedly without a care in the world. My cynical side says that those people cannot have been together very long because they all had so much to say. A lot of my friends say they dread the thought of going out with their husband alone, for the same reason as me. There is nothing to say. Did you put the bin out? Do you need that blue shirt for Monday? This is not dining out fodder, but it’s all we seem to say.

On a whim, recently, we went out for a drink on a sunny afternoon and for once, the conversation was flowing. I am not going to lie. It was largely down to the few Bacardi and Coke’s which has slipped down very easily that day. During the course of conversation, I asked him, ’If there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be?’ to which he replied ‘I wish you were less bullish and manipulative’. Nice. Interestingly, he never asked the question back to me, which I thought was rather strange, as I assumed it would have been the natural response.

In hindsight, it is probably for the best that he did not ask, as, like a lot of men, he recoils in horror at the mere insinuation he might have character flaws, and it was too nice a day to even think about punching him in the face.

Sweeping up imaginary crumbs with his precious broom, as soon as he comes in from work (even though I have spent all day cleaning). Treating me like a colleague, talking to me using words such as ‘re-visit’ and ‘troubleshoot‘. His obsession with aviation. His passion for all things Rome. His inability to remember the smallest everyday thing, but his ability to recall things I have said or done from years ago. The desire for total order. The way his desire for order has made me crave it too. His lack of ambition. These are just some of the things that endlessly grate on me.

Oh, I am sure he has a big list for me too. I am not perfect. There are things about myself I would love to change.

So why do we stay together in a seemingly shallow and vacuous life?

Ultimately, we are a five, a family, dysfunctional sometimes, but our lives are entwined together, forever and that will never change. Not even if I wanted it to, and I don’t even know that I do.

Halla Basin

tl;dr

pickarooney

Halla Basin wrote: »

tl;dr

Fantastic contribution. Well played.

I found the article rather dull and trite myself. There was nothing remotely interesting or new in it, no humour or innovation. Even the woe-is-me bitterness was itself quite jaded.

LegacyUser

Sorry OP. It just reads like a well crafted post in the Personal Issues forum.

carrie848

Reading replies to other threads I find people on this board quite cynical and very unhelpful. Why they bother to reply at all is beyond me.

Your post got across the point you were trying to make. It may not be to everybody's taste but I think that may be down to your style. Unusual in the conventional sense I think it is something you should stick with, never change your style for anyone else.

Have a look at the beginning of each paragraph, they generally start of with: It, In, I, On, In, It, On, On, In. This can be very repetitive and can make it harder for the reader to take in what is being said.

Imagery would help make it a more exciting piece and keep the reader's attention for longer. Having said that there was definitely something there, and it has huge potential to be a very amusing piece.

Well done!

shopinie

Hi Amanda

I have read with great interest what you have written and with no doubt in my mind you are a good writer,
However from reading your piece I was drawn to the fact that you are very uphappy with this man?
It seems your life revolves around keeping him happy, I may be wrong,
Have you ever looked at the fact that maybe your unhappiness comes through in your daily life(nothing to talk about except the house)?
Do you work out side the home? I know running a home is a full time job However as you rightly pointed out most women multi task very well and one of the extra areas that they excell in is running a home while working outside the home.

It seems to me from what I am reading is that you are a prefectionist and would like your partner to be the same however maybe he is so used to you doing it all that he just takes a back seat? maybe you like doing it all but would also like to be recognised for it and maybe he does not do this for you?

I have a suggestion for you and it might help and then again maybe not.

Try writing the story from another frame of mind as for example when you are writing about the bad points of something he has done wrong, are you able to think of a funny side to the points?
If not i fear you are writing it when you are truly trying to find a reason to stay in love, maybe at that time you feel trapped by your situation and cant figure out how to change it?
I dont know your life and would never like to assume, However I was in a situation for 20 years where i was with a man who had so many expectations, breakfast at certain time, lunc, dinner, house had to look a certain way so I always felt the need to pick up the duster when his car came in the driveway (though the house was very clean) because i knew this is what he liked, so every thing i did was to please him and to show I was a good mother and wife, I learned that < Hold on i am a bloody good wife,mother, house runner and also held down a good business and on hind sight ran the whole thing while he jsut did his job and thought he should be rewarded for it, I got the things that you got( did the dishes for you,vacumed the room for you, hung out the washing for you, I tried to work it out with him and talk it through and then i realised it was my strength that he resented and really we had nothing between us except an agreement of marriage, Although we are seperated over 5 years we still chat and you know I laugh now at things he did at times, But at the time I could not find anything funny in our life, so this is only a suggestion, if you can find something funny to write about your husband and the silly things he does to anoy you then include them in your writing they just might help you to see there is a side to work on and chat with him about it, But also ask your self have you always ran things your way and now want to change things so you are both running things because chances are he wont want change so easilly.
As i said earlier I like your writing and writing is a fantastic way of venting your system and you should keep it up, but do try and find the medium.
The very best of luck to you.
Maureen

PS. I will put up a piece for you to look at and you can give me your blunt opinion on it, It is called FOREVER THE ECHOING WHISPERS

conanhughes

Hey Amanda, here’s what I can say about your article.

But first, I don’t remember all the proper terms found in the rule book but I’ve tried my best to get my point across. Also, I replied immediately after reading your “story” before I read anyone else’s response so as not to be influenced by their replies. In this case, however, my idea may be redundant. Please bear this in mind.

Fault:
It is a well known fact…
Many writers try to use “it” when they can’t refer to a person who came up with the idea at hand. But if an idea is a common knowledge, commit to it and make it a personal stand. So say it this way instead: “Men and women are…”

Fault:
Similar to the previous fault, you have some pronouns with their respective nouns missing. This can cause confusion.
Another example is: John and Joshua are fighting over a bottle of wine when he could have simply shared for both of them. The reference of “he” is ambiguous.

Fault:
Every paragraphs (and sentences within paragraphs) must have some connection with each other. “Transition words” are used for this matter. The lack of these words tends to make your paragraphs remote and unrelated to each other. Examples: moreover, on the other hand, whereas, nonetheless, in addition to.

Fault:
I don’t know if it is just me, but I can’t grasp what your main theme or topic here. Your title is also very broad, which can lead to generalizations that may not be true all the time. As I understand your story, it centers mainly on your husband. Your experience on one man does not apply for the whole mankind (or husband-kind). That is the definition of the fallacy of composition.

_____

I’m not married. If there’s one thing I can suggest, however, it is to reignite the spark of your marriage by simply trying something new.

PurpleBee

carrie848 wrote: »

Reading replies to other threads I find people on this board quite cynical and very unhelpful. Why they bother to reply at all is beyond me.

Your post got across the point you were trying to make. It may not be to everybody's taste but I think that may be down to your style. Unusual in the conventional sense I think it is something you should stick with, never change your style for anyone else.

Have a look at the beginning of each paragraph, they generally start of with: It, In, I, On, In, It, On, On, In. This can be very repetitive and can make it harder for the reader to take in what is being said.

Imagery would help make it a more exciting piece and keep the reader's attention for longer. Having said that there was definitely something there, and it has huge potential to be a very amusing piece.

Well done!

I think the feedback, when its given on this site is really helpful, especially from the more seasoned posters.

In this case we are asked for opinions and they are given. Mine is not all that enthusiastic, there'll be no relishing in my laughter, it was all just a bit moany for me.