Girlfriend problem - someone with a clear head help me out!

LegacyUser

right as all problems in this forum, another girlfriend problem. my head is so screwed up now i need advice from some clear thinking people. heres the story as quick as i can put it.

going out with her for months, in different parts of the country during the week but still got on great, but shes one of those girls that if you say anything at all they'll she'l to turn it into an insult, but hey a minor glitch for me. but that leads to a awkward conversation one day with her then needing space, etc a standard break up. i'm just about getting over it and moving on, and then she said she still has feelings for me, damn it now im confused, spend ages talking about how we could try to get back together today, i actually get excited but then she said maybe just be friends!

right so heres the question, she said theres still (strong) feelings, but just wants to be friends, obviously i want to dig up those feelings but have to go through the friends thing first and that could just stop there and then if that dosent work out il honestly be messed up.

Should i just be friends and get out and find someone else and stop my head be so feked up or actually try to see if its still there?

if anyone can even manage to make sense of this post, please give me some opinions!

thebiggestjim

standard keeping you on the hook to see if someone better comes along I believe.
Ask her to be your girlfriend again, if she mentions been friends then goodbye. Ignore the "I miss you" texts that will follow.

Gyalist

Your problem seems to be that you've allowed her to take control of the relationship. She decided to break up, she decided that youo should remain friends, and all you are doing is reacting instead of leading.

You need to cease all contact with her immediately - and I mean every sort of contact. Just don't even tell her why. When she broke up with you she forfeited any rights to your friendship. Go out and enjoy and get on with your life. There's not even any need to try to find someone else, just go out and have fun.

After about six months, if you're still interested, then send her a quick "how are you" text. The complete break is to enable you to reset the power dynamics of the relationship. At the moment she holds the reins.

G-Money

Ah yes, the very familiar "lets just be friends but can I string you along enough to stave off loneliness and boost my ego until I find someone else, at which point I'll start contacting you less, or rub it in your face that I'm with someone else" - trick.

Don't fall for this. The whole thing about her saying her feelings are still strong is that she's doing that to keep you interested, but then immediately pushes you away when you try and go further. You are falling right into her trap by acting like that.

As others have said, cut off contact. If she calls, don't answer. If she text's or emails you, delete them without reading them. If she suggests meeting up, make up some pretend plans and don't meet her. The only time you are really obliged to speak to her is if you's bump into each other accidentally in public. Even then, be polite and courteous so she can't start yapping that you acted like a p***k, then end the conversation and leave.

You need a clean break from this girl and I'm betting if you tried your plan to dig up her feelings, it won't work. Instead you'll be hanging around in her friend zone, with her giving you just enough to keep you interested or thinking you have a chance. Until the day she says one of the following two lines "Something happened last night...." or "I met someone..."

At which point, you'll be sent hurtling back into a world of pain, far worse than you are now. At this point she will no doubt play the friends card again and try to get you to hang around while you have to watch her sail off into the sunset to be with someone else. She doesn't need you to be her cheerleader, urging her on to be with someone else/be without you. So don't.

Good luck with breaking contact, it's the right decision. Don't waver!

Miss Fluff

+1 to cutting off all contact with her.
She is calling all the shots from breaking it up to deciding she "may" want to be friends. If you take control of this situation you will feel so much better.
Sever all contact and ignore all contact from her. That includes Christmas wishes, or any other correspondence. Being apart for a few months (six is a pretty good yardstick) will give you a clear run on understanding your feelings and deciding what you want to do.

Wibbs

Good advice so far IMH and this nails it.

thebiggestjim wrote: »

standard keeping you on the hook to see if someone better comes along I believe.
Ask her to be your girlfriend again, if she mentions been friends then goodbye. Ignore the "I miss you" texts that will follow.

Yep it does sound like the achingly boring standard guff alright. Ignore the strong feelings stuff. IMHO it's BS. If there were strong feelings she would be with you. End of. Doubtless shes used the line "I'm confused" at some point. Equally common. It boils down to this IMHO, she's either interested in you enough or not. Again if she was interested enough she would be with you.

Plus why in gods name would you want to be with someone who apparently turns everything into an insult? Nobody is that gorgeous and life is waaaay too short.

T "real deal" J

jayyysus....give this girl the flick..she's a messer...how do you know she's not banging someone else on these "breaks" and then just coming back to you for her emotional needs.

You need to learn not to tolerate certain behaviour..because believe me she will take that as a pretext for doing whatever she wants in the future..regardless of how you feel

Moomoo1

grandmaster wrote: »

As others have said, cut off contact. If she calls, don't answer. If she text's or emails you, delete them without reading them. If she suggests meeting up, make up some pretend plans and don't meet her. The only time you are really obliged to speak to her is if you's bump into each other accidentally in public. Even then, be polite and courteous so she can't start yapping that you acted like a p***k, then end the conversation and leave.

I am not sure that being dishonest is a particularly good way to go about things here. Explaining that you have strong feelings for her and therefore need to stop contact for a while sounds good enough to me.

Wibbs

Why be honest in this case? In the sense that why give her more of what she wants to hear yet wants to do little about? I dont see why a person should use another for an ego boost. So I would defo not tell her he has strong feelings about her. I guarantee she knows this all too well already. I'd also guarantee he's told her already and she's come back with "I feel the same but would prefer to be friends". Translation "I like you, I like the attention too, but dont fancy you or Id be still with you".

shellyboo

Yeah, MooMoo, he owes her nowt. She doesn't want to be with him - why should he let her toy with him by sending (undoubtedly) headwrecking and manipulative texts and emails?

Cut her out, OP. She's told you she doesn't want to be with you.

sporina

what did you say to her that made her decide to break up?

perhaps she wants to be with you and wants you to convince her that what ever you said to offend her (if you did) will not happen again..

or she could be a messer..

depends on the above

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

Why be honest in this case?

honesty isn't a special favour, it's a way of life.

estar

why dont you say to her - sometimes you take offense at silly things and it causes unnecessary fights. i like you but i want a simple uncomplicated life. either you drop the childish behaviour and we just enjoy each others company or we dont go out. you decide.

and then see what she does. put your foot down. women like a man to be a little firm. dont just put up with any old crap. if she is childish. tell her. she sounds it to me.