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Contact preference register?

  • 15-12-2009 11:30pm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6

    Hi Guys,

    Just wondering if any of you found a match on the preference register, its been about 4 months since my hubby registered and he is wondering if he has heard nothing yet that its a no no or could they be still working on it?

    Thanks so much


  • Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭gfmason


    I have been registered with them for years and have heard absolutely nothing. I have been looking for the past 7 years for my biological mother and am still searching initially with the help of the HSE but now just by myself. I have located someone who matches my birth mother's description and am now wondering how to go about making contact.

    When you start this process you quickly realise that patience and persistence are the two characteristics you need to have or to learn. Nothing is going to be fast.

    I wish your husband the best of luck with his search.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,285 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news- but the current backlog can be as long as 3-4 years (depending on the part of the country and the agencies concerned).

    As Grainne has said- patience is the biggest virtue you learn when searching- matches do occur not infrequently- they have made over 200 thus far from the contact preference register- but these represent only a very small proportion of records in the database.

    I have the trace guides for searching yourself here - I'd really suggest downloading them and having a good read through them.

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6 AANDE

    Hi Guys

    Thanks so much to be honest it is all a bit complicated he never spoke about his adoption until our son was born.

    It turns out that he was adopted at 6 months but his mother apparently did not want to give him up and never signed the papers for 2 years, before his 3rd birthday he was brought back to the home to meet his bio Mother (this experience seems to have affected him deeply) aparently she was extremely upset and it was an awful experience for a nearly 3 year old.

    He also received a letter from the nun who arranged the adoption giving his parents background and saying his Mum did not want to give him up.

    He wanted to open the door for her to contact him by signing the register,but if that wont work, whats the next step?

    Thanks for reading!

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,285 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor

    AANDE wrote: »
    He wanted to open the door for her to contact him by signing the register,but if that wont work, whats the next step?

    There is no guarantee that she has also filled out the contact preference register- so while your husband may feel that he has opened the door for her to make contact- ultimately, it may be a futile gesture if she hasn't done the same. The lack of her filling out the contact register wouldn't mean anything at all- people put off doing paperwork for all sorts of reasons (and it was a pretty long document from memory). Even if both parties did fill out the register- it could still take a long time for the match to be made, the details confirmed, and contact to be initiated with both parties.

    The next step- outside of the Contact Preference Register- is to search yourself (as per the traceguide I linked to).

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6 AANDE

    You are really kind for replying again thanks so much I really appreciate it, I am worried about him he is finding it all very hard to deal with

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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,285 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor

    It is tough- the emotions of trying to find your birthmum are totally indescribable. The fact that she so obviously did not want to give him up- but felt compelled, possibly by her personal circumstances- and he is fully aware of all this makes it all the harder. Keep in mind- up to 1974, there were no social welfare entitlements whatsoever for single mothers- not even children's benefits- they were left to fend for themselves.

    All you can really do is be there for him- help him as much as possible, listen to him, and try to understand the emotions he is going through.

    If you've any questions at all- feel free to post here.

    Best wishes to you both,


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6 AANDE

    Shane you have been so kind thanks again