If you knew a girl had cheated would it put you off?

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago. We'd been together 6 years. About three years into the relationship I was unfaithful and slept with a colleague in work. I regretted it hugely afterwards and was racked with guilt and felt like a horrible person for doing it. Looking back now I know why it happened - I bassically wasn't happy in my rellationship and there was allways something missing that I never could quite pinpoint.

About a year ago I started to get feelings for another guy and this time I recognised all the same symptoms. They never really went away and I broke up with my ex because I didn't want to continue treating him like that.

My problem now is that I wonder if I'll ever meet someone ever again?? If you knew someone had cheated on a previous partner, would it be a major turnoff? If I meet someone and they knew I had cheated would they leave me? I'd like to think that if I met someone I truly loved I would not be unfaithfull but a prospective partner might not agree...

G-Money

I'm pretty sure it would put me off unless I was certain it was just a once off. But I'd have to be convinced that it was a once off and just not a case that you hadn't just met someone yet that you wanted to cheat with.

I'd definitely be very, very hesitant.

Tragedy

It wouldn't turn me off as long as she could tell me why it happened and why it was wrong.
She wouldn't even have to regret it!

Taltos

grandmaster wrote: »

I'm pretty sure it would put me off unless I was certain it was just a once off. But I'd have to be convinced that it was a once off and just not a case that you hadn't just met someone yet that you wanted to cheat with.

I'd definitely be very, very hesitant.

Agreed - especially with

past_cheater wrote: »

I'd like to think that if I met someone I truly loved I would not be unfaithfull but a prospective partner might not agree...

What does this really mean and how would your partner ever know that you truly loved him/her??
I mean - either you cheat or you don't. There's no "I'd like to think.." Big cop out for me.

Having been cheated on - I am with GM here and would give you wide berth - might be fun to play around with but nothing I would want to bring home...

People do change and you can prove it easily - you already ended one relationship before you could cheat - to be honest that really speaks volumes and I have loads of respect for you for that. Continuing with that way of dealing with mixed attraction is good. One thing to consider is that even when in a committed relationship you will still feel attraction for others.
The real question you need to have already in your head is why exactly you cheated the first time? Not asking you to tell us - just asking you to be sure in your own head - no matter how much it hurts.

Not sure if I really answered your question, think I just did my usual of approaching this from two ends at the same time

Benefit of the doubt time - we all make mistakes - and last sentence aside I would hope that whomever you meet give you that benefit and sees you for who you are today and not who you were a few years ago.

Wagon

It would put me off.

Monkey61

It wouldn't bother me at all and it seems a bit petty to judge somebody on something like that.

Everybody has a past. Out of my group of friends, most would have cheated on a partner at some point in their lives. And it's not like we are a particularly sinister and unkind group of deviants with loose morals - we are just normal people who sometimes make stupid decisions.

Wagon

Monkey61 wrote: »

It wouldn't bother me at all and it seems a bit petty to judge somebody on something like that.

Hmmmm, maybe it is but some people would just rather not run the risk of getting involved with someone who was prone to it at least. I've been cheated on by a few girls. Every one of them had a history of it. Nuff said'.

I'm a girl and I would say that it'd put me off in a guy, but the majority of guys I've met have cheated at one stage or another. I now just settle for assurance that they know why they did it, are confident it won't happen again and are sorry for hurting the other person. And if he's honest about it, that's a big plus for me.

james.xix

If someone cheats, generally there is something wrong somewhere in their relationship but also they are not grown up enough or aware of what's needed to be in a commited relationship.

I hear stories of work places where most have partners but they have nearly all got off with someone in their workplace.
I think that can be a bit common place.

I wouldn't think though that someone who has cheated cannot be trusted in another relationship.

krudler

Monkey61 wrote: »

It wouldn't bother me at all and it seems a bit petty to judge somebody on something like that.

Everybody has a past. Out of my group of friends, most would have cheated on a partner at some point in their lives. And it's not like we are a particularly sinister and unkind group of deviants with loose morals - we are just normal people who sometimes make stupid decisions.

Why? we judge our potential partners based on looks and personality at first, and someone whos cheated is a huge turnoff, I've been with people who have and people who havent, and the 2 people who cheated on me were two of those who had previously, do the math

james.xix

krudler wrote: »

Why? we judge our potential partners based on looks and personality at first, and someone whos cheated is a huge turnoff, I've been with people who have and people who havent, and the 2 people who cheated on me were two of those who had previously, do the math

That's your experience though, it wouldn't be the same for everyone.
It does depend on a few things though.

If some of them met someone they really liked they wouldn't.

krudler

krudler wrote: »

Why? we judge our potential partners based on looks and personality at first, and someone whos cheated is a huge turnoff, I've been with people who have and people who havent, and the 2 people who cheated on me were two of those who had previously, do the math

I don't think it's that simple. Sure my last ex cheated on me and had also cheated on his ex, but when he cheated on her, he'd never cheated before....if you see what I mean? So she thought she had a man who'd never cheated and therefore was reliable and loyal and she was wrong. The older I get (and I'm only 24) the more I realise how rare it is to meet someone, male or female, who has never so much kissed another person while with someone else.

WhatWillBee

Well every cheater was once a non-cheater at some point.....

so I dont see how it would be relevant. Whether someone has cheated before or not doesnt really hold any bearing on whether or not theyll cheat on you. Just because someone hasnt cheated in the past doesnt mean they wont in the future and vice versa.

I can see why it would put some people off but it depends on the particular situation of cheating. The only way previous cheating matters is if its been habitual (enjoys cheating) or if they cheated on you in the past.

So no, if they considered it a big deal and didnt take it lightly then it wouldnt put me off. Everyone makes mistakes, if they know thats what it was then why should I judge them on it after the fact?

So OP, I wouldnt worry about it, you know you made a mistake, and learned from it, thats all anyone can ask really. If someone wants to write you off from one past mistake, then forget it anyway coz youd never please someone like that.

Wagon

[quote=[Deleted User];63516374]I don't think it's that simple. Sure my last ex cheated on me and had also cheated on his ex, but when he cheated on her, he'd never cheated before....if you see what I mean? So she thought she had a man who'd never cheated and therefore was reliable and loyal and she was wrong. The older I get (and I'm only 24) the more I realise how rare it is to meet someone, male or female, who has never so much kissed another person while with someone else.[/QUOTE]
Does that make it more acceptable though?

LegacyUser

My current girlfriend cheated many times over a few years with the same guy behind the back of her ex. She has told me and convinced me that it was because there was something not right in the relationship. I won’t go into detail but I believe her as she is honest to me.. HOWEVER, I cannot help but feel nervous and anxious every time she goes out without me. The guy she had the affair with is still around, although he is himself in another relationship and I believe her when she says its over between them, but yet I still can't shift the nervous and anxious feelings away. I'm a wreak when she goes out to be honest as the reasons why she did it in her last relationship are starting to creep into our relationship. I can only relax when out with her, even when with friends on my own, my mind starts to wonder to what she is doing... To kick myself back into positivity I say to myself how honest and loyal she is to me, but then on the other hand she was a very good liar to her ex to get away with an affair that lasted a few years, she must be really good so maybe I am naive...??

If I knew I was in for this much mental torture when I started the relationship I would have certainly backed off. I suffer much stress and worry and now I seem like the controlling boyfriend, wanting to know where she is and who she's with

mbren

In my opinion, once a cheat, always a cheat!

Wagon

Wagon wrote: »

Does that make it more acceptable though?

No, who said anything about it being acceptable? It's not a question of being acceptable, it's a question of being realistic. If I insisted that any partner of man had to meet all my ideal criteria, I think I'd be single forever. I actually was single for years and years, but now I'm more of the mindset that I'd rather give someone a chance if I really like them and they make me happy, than wait for Mr Perfect to come along, when chances are it'll never happen.

Bear in mind as well that a lot of people lie about cheating. I know my ex's new girlfriend has no idea he cheated on me (and I found out, and that's how it ended), she's even written on her Facebook about how much she hates cheaters and would never be with one. Yet she is, and she's totally ignorant of the fact. I mean, cheating is never right, but I'd have far more respect for someone who was honest about it (and would be honest if they ever cheated on me, instead of lying for months) than someone who passed themselves of as something they weren't.

james.xix

mbren wrote: »

In my opinion, once a cheat, always a cheat!

If your in a relationship with someone and they cheat, they can never be trusted and you are right.

I'd see any new relationship as a new chapter and what both people make of it.

I wasn't entirely honest with my last ex am honest with my girlfriend today and would not cheat on her.

If I didn't feel or think I was committed to the relationship I would end it.

I actually did end it at one stage:
1) Because I was not happy with her over things that had happened, nothing to with cheating or anything like that.
2) Because I was not happy with her and some things, I did not feel committed to our relationship and ended it.

G-Money

Another problem I have with cheating is what it does to the person who was cheated on. Chances are it turns them into a paranoid, possessive person, who is always wondering what their partner is doing. Are they out with someone else? Do I really believe she/he is out with their friends?

I can see it raising all sorts of doubts in that persons head and turning them into a completely stressed out partner. After which time the person who cheated on them dumps them because "they're a different person now and they don't trust me" blah blah blah, even though it was the cheater who causes that change to take place.

Scant reward for trusting someone who's cheated on you.

By the same token, if a girl told me she cheated, I'd be looking out for all the same warning signs too and I doubt I'd trust her.

TitoPuente

I'd run a mile OP... sorry. Whatever about you having cheated before - that's understandable if you can explain it to a future partner who may find out. You say you weren't happy in the relationship but had no idea why... and you cheated. Then you go on to say that you'd "like to think" you wouldn't do it again if you were with someone you "loved". You sound utterly reckless. You really need to have a good long think about what it means to commit to somebody. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in many people's eyes.

Wibbs

I'd be more cautious TBH. Now the honesty thing for me anyway could go both ways. Either actual honesty or them warning me what may go down.

It depends on so many factors though. What kind of cheating, Why they cheated etc. Funny, personally I would be more worried over one nighters or off the cuff cheating than someone who once had an affair. The former tend to run from the crotch IME.

Barracudaincork

Depends on when and why someone cheated. If it was when someone was young and foolish and not in a serious relationship then no it wouldnt bother me. If it was recent and they cheated on someone in a serious relationship i would feel cagey but it wouldnt make me not want to be with that person.

I believe some people change and i also believe im so damn hot no one would ever cheat on me!!!!! Serioulsy i would never write off being with "the one" just becuase they messed up before, we all learn and change as we get older.

BraziliaNZ

Why would it put anyone off? I remember my last serious girlfriend asked me if I'd ever cheated on someone after a couple of months, and then I asked her and she basically told me that she used to cheat on her previous boyfriends all the time because she was young and having fun etc. etc. but that she wasn't into that anymore, she had grown up (she as 31 back then) and just wanted to spend her time with me. And she genuinely meant it. I was very flattered that she was honest and dedicated to me, because I was really into her.
I've done all kinds of awful stuff in the past, but I think I've learned from all of it, and am getting closer to knowing exactly what I want. You shouldn't judge other people OR yourself on stuff you've done in the past, people grow up, mature etc.
I have met a new girl recently and I would never consider asking her about her past, what she has done, who she's cheated on etc. A lot of guys in here seem to be fascinated with that stuff. Why would you want to know? You should look at every new relationship as a clean start for both of you.
Anyway, I believe that if you keep a girl happy and keep yourself happy, she wont want anyone else.

seahorse

It wouldn't put me off a man. What went on between him and other women was their business; what goes on between me and him is our business.

Wibbs

I do agree with the previous two posters. Though having been shafted more than once(and having been the "other guy") I do tend to be cautious and all too often previous actions can inform future ones in my experience. As I say it would massively depend on the why's and hows of it. Age is a big factor too. If I was say 22 and going out with a woman of the same age, I would be far more dubious if I found out she had cheated, especially serially cheated on exes, than I would be if she was 32.

LegacyUser

Hi, the OP here,

thanks everyone for their comments. It seems that its a fairly divisive issue all round.I suppose all I can do is hope that I meet someone who accepts that Ive learned from my past mistakes.If someone is put-off by my 'past life' then I'll just have to deal with it.We're not all perfect after all

BraziliaNZ

Wibbs wrote: »

If I was say 22 and going out with a woman of the same age, I would be far more dubious if I found out she had cheated, especially serially cheated on exes, than I would be if she was 32.

Yeah, true, now that I'm bordering 30, I think people around my age are far less likely to feel like they're missing out on stuff as they've been through it all before. That was usually my reason for cheating in the past I think, worrying that I hadn't slutted myself around enough.

Wibbs

And I think too the aspect of "oh Im 30. I should be settling down" part comes into it. More for women I reckon, from what I've seen of women mates anyway.

Wibbs

past_cheater wrote: »

Hi, the OP here,

thanks everyone for their comments. It seems that its a fairly divisive issue all round.

Oh yea and a little too black and white for many. That can be an age thing too though.

I suppose all I can do is hope that I meet someone who accepts that Ive learned from my past mistakes.If someone is put-off by my 'past life' then I'll just have to deal with it.We're not all perfect after all

I agree.

Ok from my point of view I think of it like this. If a woman is mad about me(its happened ), then they're not likely to cheat and at that point in the relationship I would not really care about previous indiscretions.

I am more concerned when it gets a few years in, when the initial buzz wears off and then she's thinking "well I do fancy other people and didnt before. This must "mean" something, so I should leave, or cop off with another".

I suppose the type of person that runs on the obvious feelings and doesnt look at it objectively. I've found it was so so much easier to pick up a woman if she's in a long termer of 4 years, than at 6 months. So I suppose that's my personal projection coming into this.

From what you wrote in your first post though, you did learn from the first time in a big way and when that point came, you left the guy rather than cheated on him. That's a major plus point in your favour, even if he was hurt by it. I have to say again in my experience that was a rarer way to operate.

Sanjuro

mbren wrote: »

In my opinion, once a cheat, always a cheat!

Rubbish.

People do have the capacity to learn from experiences and not make mistakes they made before. I've never cheated on someone, but did have someone cheat on me. I ended the relationship the moment she told me, as I think it's something rotten to do to someone. Once the trust is broken, the relationship unravels from there.

However, if I met someone and they admitted to me they'd cheated on someone in the past, it wouldn't prevent me from dating them. Obviously, if they were unrepentent and reveled in it, then I'd certainly walk away from the situation, but if they were genuinely sorry about it, then they certainly don't deserve to have me judge them. I would be cautious, however. Sometimes you cant help being a little bit wary of things like that.

LegacyUser

past_cheater wrote: »

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago. We'd been together 6 years. About three years into the relationship I was unfaithful and slept with a colleague in work. I regretted it hugely afterwards and was racked with guilt and felt like a horrible person for doing it. Looking back now I know why it happened - I bassically wasn't happy in my rellationship and there was allways something missing that I never could quite pinpoint.

About a year ago I started to get feelings for another guy and this time I recognised all the same symptoms. They never really went away and I broke up with my ex because I didn't want to continue treating him like that.

My problem now is that I wonder if I'll ever meet someone ever again?? If you knew someone had cheated on a previous partner, would it be a major turnoff? If I meet someone and they knew I had cheated would they leave me? I'd like to think that if I met someone I truly loved I would not be unfaithfull but a prospective partner might not agree...

My ex cheated on me after 4 years together. She came from a broken home and was always the one preaching to me about not cheating, what she would do to me if I cheated etc. Then the first opportunity comes along and she does it. We broke up obviously, I cannot understand why someone would stay with a cheat.It really broke me and 6 years later it still affects me. Cheating is a choice, you don't have to do it. You have tried to justify yourself in your post, there is no justification full stop.

james.xix

Some people are a bit wild and go out and let their hair down.
Sometimes it comes down to them meeting someone they really care for and they can change.

Novella

That whole 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' concept is rubbish!

I cheated on a boyfriend before but I know I'd never, ever do it again. I was young and tbh, just living under the 'life is too short' guise.

I didn't realise the hurt cheating on someone could cause. At the time, I was about seventeen, life was about having fun and not worrying. I guess it was the wrong time for me to be in a relationship. He was a great guy, we're still friends today and I regret any and all sadness I caused him.

I made the mistake and I learned from it. I'd never treat any guy with such a lack of respect in future, no matter what. I've also always been honest with guys about it, if I've been asked have I cheated or if it came up in conversation.

I can understand why a person would be put off by someone cheating in the past but if you are straight up about it and have no intentions of ever doing it again, I think it'd be his loss of he let you go because of something you'd done previously.

james.xix

Novella wrote: »

That whole 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' concept is rubbish!

I cheated on a boyfriend before but I know I'd never, ever do it again. I was young and tbh, just living under the 'life is too short' guise.

I didn't realise the hurt cheating on someone could cause. At the time, I was about seventeen, life was about having fun and not worrying. I guess it was the wrong time for me to be in a relationship. He was a great guy, we're still friends today and I regret any and all sadness I caused him.

I made the mistake and I learned from it. I'd never treat any guy with such a lack of respect in future, no matter what. I've also always been honest with guys about it, if I've been asked have I cheated or if it came up in conversation.

I can understand why a person would be put off by someone cheating in the past but if you are straight up about it and have no intentions of ever doing it again, I think it'd be his loss of he let you go because of something you'd done previously.

I agree to a degree, it is rubbish.
If someone cheats on someone though they are likely to do it again, in a new relationship, you can only hope they have grown up, are in the relationship for the right reasons and won’t.

At 17 life is about having fun and not worrying, it doesn’t mean people will be like that forever. It was the wrong time for you to be in a relationship and your aware of that which is great for you.
That’s all you can do as well is learn from your mistake, it’s a shame that it affected your relationship with that fella, but it’s the way it goes.
I’d be honest as well, and have with my gf. I haven’t always been honest with others but I’e told her I am with her. She’s been the same herself so she can’t say anything. We both seem to have learned enough as to what is important.

If I wasn’t or didn’t feel committed to a relationship I’d end it. It would not be fair on the girl and I clearly could not be happy in the relationship I wasn’t committed.

Terodil

Novella wrote: »

I cheated on a boyfriend before but I know I'd never, ever do it again. I was young and tbh, just living under the 'life is too short' guise.

I didn't realise the hurt cheating on someone could cause. At the time, I was about seventeen, life was about having fun and not worrying. I guess it was the wrong time for me to be in a relationship. He was a great guy, we're still friends today and I regret any and all sadness I caused him.

I made the mistake and I learned from it. I'd never treat any guy with such a lack of respect in future, no matter what. I've also always been honest with guys about it, if I've been asked have I cheated or if it came up in conversation.

That is very honest of you Novella. And I can see what you mean, people can learn from mistakes. I disagree with james.xix's wording: "it’s a shame that it affected your relationship with that fella, but it’s the way it goes." -- that is shrugging the pain it causes off easily. I know I would be devastated. But ultimately, if there is a true learning from such experiences, then there is redeeming value in it, if only for your future OH.

But...

past_cheater wrote: »

I'd like to think that if I met someone I truly loved I would not be unfaithfull

this has my warning lights flashing like mad. Effectively you are saying that if you did not truly love somebody, you accept the possibility of being unfaithful. You are not taking his feelings for you into account at all. You are giving yourself even more leeway by using the premise 'I'd like to think' which effectively makes this entire statement spongy to the extreme.

This is not the voice of a person that has learnt from past mistakes.

You do not cheat on your partner, whether you love him or not. If you don't love him, you break up and are free to do whatever you want to do after. But a minimum level of respect -- and be it only your own respect for yourself! -- is required no matter what.

LegacyUser

Terodil wrote: »

But...

this has my warning lights flashing like mad. Effectively you are saying that if you did not truly love somebody, you accept the possibility of being unfaithful. You are not taking his feelings for you into account at all. You are giving yourself even more leeway by using the premise 'I'd like to think' which effectively makes this entire statement spongy to the extreme.

This is not the voice of a person that has learnt from past mistakes.

You do not cheat on your partner, whether you love him or not. If you don't love him, you break up and are free to do whatever you want to do after. But a minimum level of respect -- and be it only your own respect for yourself! -- is required no matter what.

Terodil:There is NO WAY I would ever cheat on ANYONE ever again. I learned from my mistake and broke up with my boyfriend when I recognized that it might happen again.I know realise the gravity of my infidelity.Although Reading back on my original post again I can see how you would read into it like that.

Colonel_McCoy

yes