Always attractive unattractive guys

LegacyUser

OK

Let me preface this by saying 1. I know this is going to be controversial, 2. I know there was a similar thread a while ago with a guy who had a similar issue but I'd love to get some personalised responses and 3. I am not a horrible person. Frustrated, maybe, and perhaps taking advantage of the fact that I can be far blunter here than in RL because I am anonymous.

To my issue now...the only guys that I ever seem to attract are the ones that I am not remotely attracted to. This has happened three times in the last two months and it's a sad fact that it is the only thing happening in my 'love life' right now, i.e no other interest, no dates, etc, which is why I'd love some others' perspectives on it.

Now, I'm no idiot, I've heard the like-attracts-like theories etc, so let me paint a picture. I don't think I'm bad looking. I'm about 5 foot 2 and nine stone with shoulder length brown hair and sallow skin. 'Cute' is a word that's bandied about a lot, and not just by my mother!! I exercise regularly, eat healthily more often than not and love my clothes, makeup etc.
The guys that I've been attracting recently (as in the ones who have hit on me, the three aforementioned guys and few before that also...) have been significantly overweight, not very interested in personal appearance (clothes etc) and a bit 'aloof' personality-wise. All of these three were in work situations, so it's not as if it was some randomers approaching me in a club.

Now I know that I am coming across as wholly shallow and superficial, but I am specifically focusing on the physical attributes because like most people, this is a major factor involved in attraction for me, and with these three guys, I just point blank wasn't attracted in any of them enough to believe that there could be something there between us worthwhile pursuing. Please don't slate me for this, I'm just being honest - I make a bit of an effort, I take pride...I'm attracted to the same.

I definitely have confidence issues though, and would not consider myself to be much of a flirt - could definitely do with a bit of work in this area...I never know how to act when I am attracted to someone and maybe this is why it never seems to be reciprocated...

I just don't know. I'm not a shallow b1tch by any account and hope I'm not offending anyone with this post, I'm just trying to figure out how I can understand this and why this trend of men I'm not interested in being interested in me has developed. Is it something I'm doing? The only thing I can think of is, I might be more 'relaxed' around these guys as I am not attracted to them so am not trying to impress them etc...whereas with the guys I like I tend to tense up.

Any input is appreciated and thanks for reading.

Handsome Bob

I would say firstly that you can't help who you are attracted to OP, so don't feel bad. Secondly, perhaps you need to throw caution to the wind and actively go after the people you are attracted to, instead of waiting to see if they show interest.

Nettie

I don't think you seem shallow or anything. If you're not attracted with someone then it won't work as well than if you were attracted to them. There's nothing wrong or mean about you for thinking like this.

As the last poster said, you have to just get out there and ask people you are atteracted to. You've nothing to lose really, so you might as well go for it (:

Emme

Hmmm. Sometimes if you give them a chance unattractive guys can turn into attractive, ie they can grow on you. It has happened me a few times. If they're decent give them a chance for 3 dates or so and if there's no chemistry after that then you can't say you didn't try.

Overheal

I definitely have confidence issues though, and would not consider myself to be much of a flirt - could definitely do with a bit of work in this area...I never know how to act when I am attracted to someone and maybe this is why it never seems to be reciprocated...

Thats your real problem I think. You cant always expect for the object of your affection to come chasing after you. You need to take some initiative. Ask one of these guys that you fancy what theyre up to this weekend and see how it progresses. I mean hey, it worked for Feeky.

If theres one thing all these Schlubby guys you're batting off with a stick have in common with you its low self confidence Perhaps you should give them one less reason to feel like they can relate to you? Take some risks.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I have recently found myself in a similar situation. Can I ask you, these guys you're attracting, do you know them well (better than strangers, anyway?). The way I figure it is, when you're attracted to someone, you raise certain defenses, and pretend to be someone you may not be in order to attract this person. It's just something we do as people. If you're more yourself with these people you're not attracted to, being yourself is naturally going to attract these people more, if you get what I mean.
Now, I'm no oil painting, believe me. But I've got a pretty good personality. When I'm myself, that's when I get attention from the opposite sex. I rarely 'score' when out, and the girls I have dated have gotten to know me first.

So it may not be luck or anything like that. It may be down to the fact that when you're not attracted to someone, you drop all pretenses and are yourself.

The25thHour

Emme wrote: »

Hmmm. Sometimes if you give them a chance unattractive guys can turn into attractive, ie they can grow on you. It has happened me a few times. If they're decent give them a chance for 3 dates or so and if there's no chemistry after that then you can't say you didn't try.

Ok firstly I am not disagreeing with the notion of somebody growing attractive to you but I think this premise is largely BS, no offence. Emme you seem like one of the good girls out there and if only there were more like you who were willing to gives guys a chance but most girls will not entertain a guy if they are not some what attracted to him when they first meet. The OP is talking about situations where she is being hit on my guys who she finds generally unattractive. So I am assuming these are people she is not familiar with so this idea of people growing more attractive simply does not apply here. If you are in a bar and somebody boy or girl hits on you and you don't find them attractive, you don't go "well he/she's not great looking but sure what the hell he/she may become more attractive to me". Unfortunately this is not how the real world works and if it did it would be great as we would all be getting more dates and romance.

OP, if I may just note that you say you are 5'2 so you are a pretty petite girl and good looking girls who are petite are often referred to as being cute. I think perhaps it is your cute appearance that makes guys less intimidated to hit on you even if they havn't got a chance. This may be one of the reasons. Maybe it is just vibes you give off that encourages guys to chat you up. Anyway dont feel bad about it, you have the right to choose who you are attracted and you should not have to settle for the guys that hit on you just because...well they hit on you.

drusk

Instead of feeling frustrated about it, take it as a compliment that some guys found you attractive. Don't beat yourself up about not being attracted to them in return.

As other posters have said, and as you mentioned yourself - work on your confidence and start pursuing guys you like! You don't need to put yourself on a plate, just strike up a conversation with a guy you think is hot and see what happens...

LegacyUser

(The subject title I actually meant to post!!)

Thanks guys for all the feedback, a lot of it struck a chord. Overheal - what you said especially hit home and I never really put two and two together about the fact that my low confidence may be evoking a sort of kindred spirit in these 'unattractive' guys...(I hate referring to them as that but it's what they are to me so no offence intended)

But I've been thinking a lot about this and my history with the opposite sex has pretty much always been this way. I mean, I can go back to my early adolescence, say my Gaeltacht years, and it was the last guy in the room I would look at that was interested in me, and it's the same right to this very day. Now don't get me wrong, I find it hugely flattering when anyone is interested in me, but it's just frustrating when there's all these hot guys around me that don't seemingly give me a look in and while I'm sitting there admiring, some guy who I just would never, ever be attracted to, is doing the same thing with me.

Yes, the huge part of the problem here is that I am sitting there admiring instead of being proactive, but I guess because I've never felt like I am the subject of these attractive guys' attention, means it's hard for me to believe they'd be interested in me. The confidence thing again. I don't feel like that 'hot' girl...like I mentioned, I've always been the 'cute' one.

I know I sound like a sixteen year old and I'm sorry, (I'm actually mid twenties!) I am aware that there's a lot more to attraction than being 'hot' or 'cute' etc, but I just feel like this is a major stumbling block in my love life. I don't have the confidence to even just strike up a conversation with someone I find attractive, as one poster mentioned.

Thanks again for all replies

TheCandystripes

you sound kinda cute. maby guys just don't approach because they feel your taken. this is ireland remember, its not exactly a country known for affectionate displays of love and people aren't so confident here, like yourself. you dont sound shallow, those guys just sound like geeks.

any irish girl that has a good body(like you workout) is gonna be hot. i mean that right there you have over so many girls who dont exercise. you need to be the one forcing the issue and not allowing neanderthals slobber all over you.

JangoFett

I can see where you're coming from and I can understand the frustration in not getting what you want. But things could be worse, nobody could be attracted to you. Believe me, that is waaaayyyyyyyy worse than attracting people you don't like

The25thHour

OP, let me just pitch this notion and by all means I may be way off but anyway have a listen. From my own personal experience over the last 10 or so years since I was 12 or 13 I have always been thought of as cute by girls (Im a guy btw). This continued throughout my teens and secondary school where girls always commented that I was really cute. For some reason girls would always think I was really cute and I even built up a bit of a rep for my myself out of this. Like you I also seemed to attract admirers that I was not really attracted to and while I did attract a few girls I actually fancied, most of them I did not. So I thought I would eventually grow out of this 'cute stage' as I started getting a bit sick of it and its often ambiguous meaning. Does it mean I'm hot? ugly? weird looking? what?

Anyway I am 22 now and I still get a cute remark off a girl at least every few weeks (I even over heard a girl say it behind my back not too long ago) it seems but guess what? I don't hook up with girls often at all! Girls I fancy never seem to pursue me and because I am so bloody confused over whether or not I am actually good looking, my confidence is pretty low. Like you I look after myself, dress well, keep in shape and I think I am a good looking guy and I am nearly sure I get a few looks of girls I pass by in the street sometimes but who the hell knows what they are thinking eh? Maybe they like my jacket.
So what I am trying to get at is, perhaps 'Cute' isn't exactly as good as we think it is. Lol, when I was 16 girls were telling me I was the cutest guy they ever saw and I was starting to develop the impression that I was in for many years of romance throughout my 20's but it never happened. I'm still cute but what the hell does it even mean? I'm not getting any while every guy my age with half a presentable look about him can go out and pull at least every few weeks.

LegacyUser

I totally agree 25th hour. It's quite an ambiguous term and when I think about the context I usually use it in, generally I'm saying it because there's something attractive about the guy but I'm just 'not quite sure'. Maybe he's not someone I'm automatically drawn to, but there is something about him nonetheless. Sometimes it's a cop out - he's not bad looking, but he's not great looking either.

Now, I'm totally OK with not being drop dead gorgeous, I mean, I can live with not being a traffic stopper, but where exactly do I stand, being 'cute'?? To me, it's becoming something of a non-word as it's getting me nowhere and leaving me confused about exactly how attractive I am...a kitten is cute, a baby is cute, a teddy bear is cute...none of these things inspire passion or lust or any of those things associated with attraction. 'Cute' just doesn't fit the bill...

The25thHour

frustratedgirl wrote: »

I totally agree 25th hour. It's quite an ambiguous term and when I think about the context I usually use it in, generally I'm saying it because there's something attractive about the guy but I'm just 'not quite sure'. Maybe he's not someone I'm automatically drawn to, but there is something about him nonetheless. Sometimes it's a cop out - he's not bad looking, but he's not great looking either.

Now, I'm totally OK with not being drop dead gorgeous, I mean, I can live with not being a traffic stopper, but where exactly do I stand, being 'cute'?? To me, it's becoming something of a non-word as it's getting me nowhere and leaving me confused about exactly how attractive I am...a kitten is cute, a baby is cute, a teddy bear is cute...none of these things inspire passion or lust or any of those things associated with attraction. 'Cute' just doesn't fit the bill...

Lol, you sound like the female version of me! These are my exact same thoughts. I have found that in the past when I would end up with a girl and she would say that by cute she meant attractive, my confidence would go way up and I would think I had found the answer to cute. Wrong, different people mean different things by it and some girls see it a lot more than others. For example, some girls may be really in to the cute look and describe everything as 'cute' while others would not. Its just a matter of subjective opinion I guess. One thing you can be pretty sure of OP though is that it definitely isn't bad and lots of guys really like cute girls. After all girls are supposed to be cute and petite and stuff but guys are supposed to be tall, handsome or rugged so I don't know where the 'cute' look really fits in. One thing I have noticed though is that girls from different countries often find the cute thing a lot more appealing than girls at home. I have a tough time meeting girls in Ireland but I have gone down well with girls from other countries and my 'cuteness' seems to actually get me places. Lol, I'll probably just have to emigrate I guess :rolleyes:

dellas1979

So its a confidence/shyness issue then?

Would you go out and hold a fella's gaze for a few seconds? Lets say a fella you dont know, and if so, why not?

T "real deal" J

frustratedgirl wrote: »

The guys that I've been attracting recently (as in the ones who have hit on me, the three aforementioned guys and few before that also...) have been significantly overweight, not very interested in personal appearance (clothes etc) and a bit 'aloof' personality-wise. All of these three were in work situations, so it's not as if it was some randomers approaching me in a club.

Hello there. This is just perfectly normal you've nothing to worry about. Guys who have no pride in their personal appearance and "aloof" personality (boring)...i mean come on I'd say you must feel uncomfortable in work....

Girls are creepy in work too (cheers luv i'd love another coffee for the 10th time jaysus!)...and are getting lazier by the day (fashion : just dressing like Whitney & Lauren in the Hills..spice it up!)

It's more you're just not feeling chemistry with these people you meet...or more simply you're not meeting enough attractive confident guys. You need to get out more and get to know new and exciting people...Coppers and Diceys are for the most part full of loosers. Join the chess club

Fair play for lobbing this up on the board...you seem like a cool girl...
You should come and have lunch with me in Elephant and Castle...I'd like to have a chat with you about this...it'll be fun to see the opposite sex perspective...
you like chicken wings? E&C is the best...tastier than hooters wings!

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

So its a confidence/shyness issue then?

Would you go out and hold a fella's gaze for a few seconds? Lets say a fella you dont know, and if so, why not?

Jeez. I'm sort of mortified to say that I wouldn't, or couldn't. In fact, I tend to immediately look away. I seem to have issues with rejection, or vulnerability, or emotional availability, or...I don't really know what to call it.

While I've always been shy around guys I like, I'm now at a point where it's sort of a chicken-or-egg scenario...I'm 24 now, I've outgrown the general shyness that existed in my personality (or maybe even defined my personality) as a kid / teenager - in all areas but this. I don't know if it's just that I haven't had a chance to shake the shyness / lack of confidence in my love life, or if it's that the sum of all my experiences has kept me this way. Maybe it's a bit of both.

I know if I was replying in this thread I'd be telling me to start making eye contact, strike up conversations at bus stops, make small talk in supermarkets...etc, but to be honest, I have this massive, irrational fear of coming across as desperate, making a fool of myself, putting it all out there and being met with indifference, or worse...maybe because I don't feel all that attractive sometimes. I don't know what to think about myself or how I am perceived by the opposite sex, to be honest.

...I'm sort of answering all my own questions here, aren't I...??! Thanks again for all your views and perspectives

shellyboo

The eye contact thing is where to start. It's such a simple thing, and if you do it I guarantee you you'll feel great after it. Catch a guy's eye, hold it, smile and look away. It doesn't result in a queue of men forming at your feet, but it does give your confidence a boost, I promise.

And if you can just get your confidence up, that will make you more successful with guys. Baby steps are the way to do it...

dellas1979

See the thing that you will realise someday is that noone is 100% confident and noone is 100% perfect. Most of the time its put on.

Self-confidence, when you need it, is about self-belief. Next time you are out, spot a fella you are interested in. Catch his eye for a few seconds. Maybe a little smile (I mean now the slightest smile). And thats it! Start small. Build up a little self-confidence and the belief that you can do this. The advantages far out weight the disadvantages.

So what if the guy you smile at doesnt come over and chat you up? So what if the guy looks at you odd (personally I would laugh my head off). So what? Whats the worst that could happen?

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

So what if the guy you smile at doesnt come over and chat you up? So what if the guy looks at you odd (personally I would laugh my head off). So what? Whats the worst that could happen?

Well, I guess the worst that could happen is that the interest isn't reciprocated and is met with hostility and I end up feeling like absolute sh1t. (Well technically I'm sure there's worse than that, but in my head this scenario is far from pleasant!)

Once again, back to the confidence thing...I guess I feel like as long as I'm not trying and opening myself up, I'm sort of cocooning myself from those feelings of inadequacy and basically of not feeling worthy of some attractive guy's attention.
The more I think about it, I've sort of come to think of myself as that sort of girl - the one who doesn't attract interest (except from the guys I'm not interested in) and I don't know why I've come to think of myself this way...I'm hardly Godzilla or anything. On the surface I think of myself as kind of pretty actually with a great personality. I just don't get why I seem to have these horrible perceptions of myself when I dig deeper...but obviously I need to see them so I can get past them. Obviously they're easy enough for others to pick up on.

Goddammit! I'm clearly more messed up in the head than I thought. Thanks Shellyboo and Dellas for the advice though. Babysteps, as you've said. I think I'm going to have to start with the eye contact thing, maybe set myself some simple tasks...!!

dellas1979

To put this mildly....

Girlfriend, you are way way way over thinking all of this...

I think one action will follow the other...as in if you try and take the advice here and put a bit of effort in, after a few attempts you wont care if a random fella thinks your psycho or silly or whatever for smiling at him. You'll actually gain in confidence.

Seriously, out of all things in the world, have a think about what is the worst thing that could happen you if a fella didnt reciprocate? are you going to melt into a puddle or something? As said above, once your self-belief gets higher, you wont mind. It will be a "ah shur at least I tried" kind of feeling, not beating yourself up thinking "he hates me, Im ugly/boring/useless/not attractive etc etc.

Ill tell you one thing though, sitting on the fence driving yourself mad and waiting for it all to fall into place will NEVER happen .

Tragedy

Over analysing this will lead to a spiralling sense of confusion and helplessness. Only attracting unattractive guys?
Let yourself be attracted to the attractive guys and do something about it.