tell or not??

LegacyUser

I'm with my partner six months and we have a fantastic relationship. We have discussed moving in together, having children and the future, so I know we're not just having a fling, its a serious relationship even though its only been six months.

I'm REALLY careful about contraception (two methods always) but a month ago I felt "off" and missed a cycle. I took a test and thank god, I'm not pregnant-just not the right time for me to have a baby, but definitely want them some day.

I want to know if I should tell him about this scare. I was TERRIFIED for a few days and just went into self-preservation mode until the test came up negative, he was away for a week when I was thinking I could be pregnant and was home by the time I had realised I was fine. Should I just file it away as one of those "it happens to everyone" things and move on? Would a guy want to be told about this?

Any thoughts welcome.

AnonoBoy

Most guys would want to know. I'd advise you to tell him. It's not something that you should feel you have to keep to yourself.

txt_mess

Personally I wouldn't tell if it was just a missed period as I understand it that can happen to women a fair bit depending on stress and things going on in life.

If you missed the pill and that whats going on , your not pregnant learn the lesson and don't make the contraceptive mistake again and move on. If you tell him he will only become paranoid and bombard you with questions to the point of annoyance everytime you guys try and get close.

Bear in mind he has a responsibility for contraception aswell so he has failed too.

Taltos

Agreed - relationships are all about sharing - sometimes the scary with the good.

Tell him how you felt. He might get a scare too - but think most of us have had them and learnt from them.

AnonoBoy

txt_mess wrote: »

Bear in mind he has a responsibility for contraception aswell so he has failed too.

Eh.... nobody failed at anything. She wasn't pregnant and stated that she is very careful about contraception.

txt_mess

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Eh.... nobody failed at anything. She wasn't pregnant.

Thats not the point i was making the was an implication that she may have messed up on contraception (without more detail from the OP we won't know for definite ) but if it was just her missing the pill that caused the scare I was making the point that it takes two to tango and he would have to fail in his duty on contraception also for her to be pregnant ( not including failures in the products here ).

I was saying she should feel some responsiblity and step up her awareness of missing contraception but not feel guilty in not telling him.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, to let you know I am 100% perfect in use of the pill, same time every day, we also use a barrier method just in case, so its not contraceptive failure that is the issue here.

LegacyUser

Absolutely no need to tell him whatsoever.

What is he supposed to do with the knowledge anyway?

You had a scare, you were an adult in that you handled it yourself, remained calm and dealt with it. There was no baby. Therefore nothing of significance happened except internally and things that happen internally....are nebulous and intangible.

I am a great believer in suffering in silence unless you absolutely have to burden someone else.

I think the only thing you would achive by telling him this is to confuse him and for him to begin to associate you with unwanted pregnancy. He will just hear you telling him some rigamaraole about thinking you were pregnant but are not and not be able to compute the information. He will feel alarmed hearing the words and phrases like late period/pregnant etc but also confused as there is nothing NOW to worry about.

He might start thinking you are one of those women trying to trap a man or secretly fixated with getting pregnant, no matter if they protest the opposite.

Keep it simple. Forget about it now and be double careful in future. There is no need to try to invite someone in to your inner world of thoughts. If its not broken dont fix it.
You may need his support for an actual real life problem and you don't want to wear out your welcome with the likes of this.

I've never been a man but I get the impression their thought processes are more 'nuts and bolts' ie facts and realities. The convuluted agonizing and suffering a woman goes through is just very boring and irritating to a man. Generalistic yes, but true in my experience.

Barracudaincork

txt_mess wrote: »

Thats not the point i was making the was an implication that she may have messed up on contraception (without more detail from the OP we won't know for definite ) but if it was just her missing the pill that caused the scare I was making the point that it takes two to tango and he would have to fail in his duty on contraception also for her to be pregnant ( not including failures in the products here ).

I was saying she should feel some responsiblity and step up her awareness of missing contraception but not feel guilty in not telling him.

She uses two types of contraception, are you wanting her to use the irish method of 3, to be sure, to be sure, to be sure??????

She didnt imply she messed up at all, she said she felt off, she didnt say she missed a pill etc etc In her own head she missed a period and paniced, even though she had been using 2 forms of contraception, she thought sh*t i hope im not pregnant! A natural reaction if you ask me!

txt_mess

Barracudaincork wrote: »

She uses two types of contraception, are you wanting her to use the irish method of 3, to be sure, to be sure, to be sure??????

She didnt imply she messed up at all, she said she felt off, she didnt say she missed a pill etc etc In her own head she missed a period and paniced, even though she had been using 2 forms of contraception, she thought sh*t i hope im not pregnant! A natural reaction if you ask me!

And your point is if you read my post you'll see the first sentence covers that point that girls do miss periods for other reasons.

Sorry for covering all angles but either way I don't think it's worth telling my original post stands if you bother to read it all.

Terodil

I agree, tell him -- as Taltos said, relationships are about sharing. It should not be a 'need to know' principle, it should be a 'want to hear/tell' kinda thing.

Re contraceptive measures... uh... let's not try to find problems where there aren't any. It seems that this couple has found their way. Why question that?

Barracudaincork

txt_mess wrote: »

And your point is if you read my post you'll see the first sentence covers that point that girls do miss periods for other reasons.

Sorry for covering all angles but either way I don't think it's worth telling my original post stands if you bother to read it all.

No need to say sorry. I did read your other post and would agree stress, rapid weight loss etc yes does cause women to miss their periods. I was commenting on your other post though, not your first one.

OP, i think you should tell him, because it is something you can and should share with a partner, especially when it is something as natural, normal and part of life as having a period, or not as in this case.

LegacyUser

i think you should tell him.

in my own experience, shortly after i started having unprotected sex with my partner she thought she might be pregnant. she didn't tell me about it for several weeks but i knew something was wrong. when she did eventually tell me it led to a discussion on what we do if it happened, how we both felt about it (she is ready for a kid, i'm not) and our views on abortion. because of this we know each other better and understand each other better. nothing bad can come of it.

martdalto

Why not tell him??

If you guys are in a serious relationship, and you have discussed major issues, why not tell him? Really?

Would you like if you found out that there had been something really worrying him and he didn't discuss it with you?

You had a scare, you did nothing wrong, he did nothing wrong. I don't think it'll put him off, or he'll "bombard you with questions" everytime you try to get close.(?) - Or I don't think he'll react in the way Leave It says in her post, (too many things to individually comment, sorry Leave It!!)

It was a non-issue, of course you were terrified that you might have been pregnant, it's not planned at the moment.. just because you really don't want to be pregnant now, doesn't reflect badly on you as a person. And as 1969 Lipid says, it will open up a discussion that you obviously haven't had with each other yet... I don't agree with "suffering in silence", usually the reason most people are in a relationship, is that they have someone to share things with.

I'd guess if you had been pregnant, the 2 of you would have accepted it, and got on with it like most couples do.

Actually, if you had found out you were pregnant, he may well have been a bit pissed off at you for worrying about it on your own, and doing the test without him.

Seriously, why not tell him?

LegacyUser

Thanks for comments.

I am still unsure about telling him. Part of me thinks why create drama where there is none. Another part of me wonders if men knew a bit more about what we women go through with our reproductive system, things might be better for all of us. I have never been through a scare like this, maybe he should know how worried I was.

I think I'll have to give it some more thought.

LegacyUser

If anything that stressful or worrying happened to me I would tell my OH, regardless of what it was. Even if it had turned out to be nothing in the end. To me it's no different to going "you wouldn't believe the day I had at work, X Y and Z went horribly wrong, it's all fine now but jesus I was mad stressed out there for a bit!"

Miss Fluff

tell or not wrote: »

Thanks for comments.

I am still unsure about telling him. Part of me thinks why create drama where there is none. Another part of me wonders if men knew a bit more about what we women go through with our reproductive system, things might be better for all of us. I have never been through a scare like this, maybe he should know how worried I was.

I think I'll have to give it some more thought.

So what is your main objective for telling him?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

So what is your main objective for telling him?

My main objective is honesty.

I posted because I wanted to hear from people if they would rather hear news like this or if telling a man this would create unnecessary problems. I am not pregnant, I've looked at the odds and given how careful we are I am very unlikely to be pregnant unless we started trying for a baby.


My main objective for me is if I am causing hassle for myself when this is something he may never need to know about. I can very easily forget it but I want to hear if guys could.

Darthhoob

tell him. he is your partner..hopefully for life and you need to share any worries with hm...and visa versa. plus...althoughit ended up being a non issue this WAS a wrry you had that involved you and your relationship.....no doubt it **** you up! i've had a few pregnancy scares myself...i think alot of women do. i felt SO much better after a chat to the OH especially as he KNEW something was wrong (though we did live together). it explained to him why i was a little different...and the conversation it lead to made me feel a whole lot better...and it actually made him feel a whole lot better knwoing that i could talk to him about anything.

just cos it's the woman who carries the baby doesn't mean she should be carry the burden and worry all by herself.

CDfm

Terodil wrote: »

I agree, tell him -- as Taltos said, relationships are about sharing. It should not be a 'need to know' principle, it should be a 'want to hear/tell' kinda thing.

Scene 1 - a house somewhere in Ireland

Uhuh I thought I might be pregnant and then I wasnt so I decided not to tell you cos I didn't want to freak you out so I'm telling you now so you can freak out now instead.

It could be that he turns around and makes a nice pot of Barry's tea for you both and you sit down and have a calm, mature and responsible chat about the future.

Then again, he may not take that reasonable approach.

Darthhoob

if he does freak out, then she knows what he'll be like. better now than when they DO have something to worry about.

do you not think that SHE freaked out? having the worry of a pregnancy scare on her shoulders?

CDfm

Darthhoob wrote: »

if he does freak out, then she knows what he'll be like. better now than when they DO have something to worry about.

do you not think that SHE freaked out? having the worry of a pregnancy scare on her shoulders?

OP get in the Barry's Tea and a flask of brandy.

To My Darling G/F - if you are the OP resist the urge.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't say a word, how can this possibly improve things? I'm a big fan of what you don't know won't hurt you. Like Leave It said, save the drama for a real problem.

martdalto

Why such over use of the word "drama"??

I don't see how or why this should turn into a "drama". OP, you are very serious about this man. He is very serious about you. You have discussed spending the rest of your lives together, moving in, having kids etc... why deliberately keep something from him?

As I said previously, this is a non-issue. There should be no drama.

If there is, and if he reacts badly and runs for the hills, then is that the sort of person you would seriously want to spend the rest of your life with?

Although at this stage, I think the moment has passed and the only "drama" it may cause is him wondering why on earth you didn't tell him at the time.

But OP, it's time to think about your "adult" relationship. Honestly and seriously think about why you didn't tell him at the time. What were you afraid of? What reaction were you afraid of? Are your worries founded? Has he ever given you any inclination that he wouldn't handle an "unexpected" situation in your relationship.

Did you not tell him, because, obviously you didn't want to be pregnant, and you were afraid that he would see this as some rejection of him, that you didn't want his baby???

Honestly, I don't understand the not telling him bit. Especially as you both intend spending your lives together - and sharing everything!

What would happen in say 30 years? You think you find a lump? You are worried sick about it, you organise tests, without telling him and wait to find out the results before sharing with him? Are you going to spend the rest of your relationship, not telling him your real and genuine concerns for fear of not causing "drama"??

I think you are underestimating him.

As I said, possibly now the time has passed, as he will only wonder why you didn't tell him at the time....

As most people here do!

LegacyUser

^^ This is exactly the kind of thing that results in people starting to 'tune out' from listening their partners....a heavy, pointless conversation where there is no need.

Real adult life is full of real problems not this kind of 'nearly/never was' stuff.

There has to be a line where some of your own thoughts and troubles stay with you and are emotions are self managed.

Believe me you will need his ear when something real comes around and he will be more receptive if you have not already cried wolf over this type of thing.

The idea that a partner should listen to and empathise with your every thought and experience is wrong. That is not sustainable in the long term. It tends to be something women mistakenly expect as that is the protocol they are used to. Sharing 'everything' with a best friend etc!

I have generalised but based on my own experience that is what I find to be true.

daisybelle2008

tell or not wrote: »

Thanks for comments.

I am still unsure about telling him. Part of me thinks why create drama where there is none. Another part of me wonders if men knew a bit more about what we women go through with our reproductive system, things might be better for all of us. I have never been through a scare like this, maybe he should know how worried I was.

I think I'll have to give it some more thought.

I really don't undertand your reasons for telling him. If I am reading this correctly you want to give the male population some kind of lecture on female plumbing for the benefit of mankind.

You almost nearly didn't miss your period. Big deal. Forget about it. Trouble him when you have a real issue. Get a hobby or some interests that might better occupy your thoughts. Move on and just remember to take your pill.

martdalto

a heavy, pointless conversation

Why would it become a heavy conversation?

Real adult life is full of real problems

And real adult life is full of worrying about things that might never happen.. job loss, house being repossesed, near misses in the car, that could have easily been an accident etc... Just because they may or may not happen doesn't stop adults worrying about them. Nor does it mean that an adult should kep them all to his/herself. Adult life is full of more worries than childhood life - Sometimes it's just nice to be reassured and hear, "Lets not worry about anything until we know for sure" - and that swings between both partners in a relationship.

Believe me you will need his ear when something real comes around and he will be more receptive if you have not already cried wolf over this type of thing.

How does admitting that you were anxious about something equate to "crying wolf"??

The idea that a partner should listen to and empathise with your every thought and experience is wrong.

I don't think anybody is saying she needs to verbalise every thought - just that if something is really, genuinely bothering her.. then why not share it? Who cares if it's not actually happening - she didn't know it wasn't real at the time, and even now after the event, it's still bothering her. If she is that affected by it, why not discuss it with the person she intends to spend the rest of her life with?

eviltwin

No harm in telling him

If anything it might just raise the issue of "what if" and get you to see how each other would feel if there ever was an unplanned pregnancy and thats no bad thing.

Its important to know where you stand with someone just in case.

CDfm

martdalto wrote: »

Why would it become a heavy conversation?

The subject matter and because it was a non event.

It was my period was late last month and i messed up with my pill taking regime.

It seems contrived.

martdalto

CDfm wrote: »

The subject matter and because it was a non event.

It was my period was late last month and i messed up with my pill taking regime.

It seems contrived.

But she didn't mess up her pill taking regime!! She says she's a perfect pil taker, same time everyday, and they use a barrier method too. She thought she was pregnant, becuse she felt a bit iffy and her period was late - not because she or he messed anything up!

LegacyUser

For the life of me I can't see what the big deal here is.

Nothing happened!

Almost everyone has a pregnancy scare at some stage, often simply in the mind.

So tell him or don't tell him as you see fit.

The only benefit I can think of to telling him is to see where he stands on the baby issue, which frankly, is always good to know, though you shouldn't have had to have a preg scare to bring that up anyway.
I imagine that this has probably brought up some 'what ifs'? in your mind, so have that conversation if you want, but you don't really need to make a song and dance about nothing, cause nothing has happened.

CDfm

martdalto wrote: »

she felt a bit iffy and her period was late -

So that is what she should have said at the time.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

So that is what she should have said at the time.

But its not always easy to say things like that when your mind is all over the place as it is when you have a scare. Its easy to say she should have said it at the time but she didn't, she has to deal with the situation now and not dwell on what she has already done.

CDfm

lllelll wrote: »

But its not always easy to say things like that when your mind is all over the place as it is when you have a scare. Its easy to say she should have said it at the time but she didn't, she has to deal with the situation now and not dwell on what she has already done.

The situation has passed and if she had been going to deal with it she should have done so in a timely manner.

A guys view -say a friend told me this - I would tell him to be very cautious of the lady in question.

I accept what the OP is saying but it looks like a test of his reactions. It looks like it.

OP if you are insistant on telling him lets not go for the emotive best friends share like girls lark.

The adult thing to do is to explain to the guy when you next has your period that its always a relief after you have been going at it like rabbits and sometimes you get tetchy at that time of the month because a cold or flu can delay you by a day or two or more.

He might ask or you might take the opportunity to explain that the pill isnt always foolproof that , you have to remember to take it, it can be ineffective if you have a tummy bug or if on antibiotics. A split condom could cause stress that delays matters.

As you are using condoms make sure you use them properly and that they are in date etc as a broken wrapper may affect the effectiveness of the spermicide( I dont think spermicide on condoms is hugely effective but is there mostly as a lubricant) .You can buy spermicide and spermicidal lube and use it in conjunction with a condom.

It seems to me that discussing this is best done in discussing contraception rather than the way it has come across so far ie pregnancy scare a month back. That way you are talking about preventing scares as opposed to giving a scare.