Am I controlling?

LegacyUser

You independent viewpoint would be helpful.

I am with my Oh for almost 2 years who is almost 47. We had an idyllic relationship at the start and then I discovered he had lied (by omision) on a huge issue within our relationship, not cheating but it was something I needed to know about before I decided to move in with him.

He doesnt go out a lot with his friends but has no issue at all if I do. He is quite secretive about his phone, laptop etc and I guess I have a bit of baggage over that given that my last bf was meeting people from the net for sex and I was suspicious for a long time but could not prove it. It drove me half mad thinking I was mad and something was wrong with me for doubting him.

I moved on and my OH & I were very happy for a full year until this 'secret' was revealed.

When I first met my OH, he was telling me about all the married guys he used ot work with who used to go into places like Cafe en Seine on a night out on the pull and said that he didnt like it there as it was just a cattle mart.

About 2 months ago, he went out with friends and only came home at 5am after being in CES saying he went for food after and then got a taxi... That was ok but then again last night he went out and said he would be home about 1 or 2. I woke at 3 and there was no sign of him so I texted to see if he was ok and no response. At 3.45 I get a call from him saying he was in a taxi home and had to get out to be sick - he was very drunk and didnt know where he was but was on the route home. I got up and managed to track him down but it took me 45 inutes - I was frantic. He was very drunk and once again had been in CES which closed about 2 hours earlier. He just said he left and walked into town with his friend to get a taxi...

We had a huge row (fruitless at that stage I know) about him getting so drunk that he was sick plus why he is going to CES now when he goes out.

Am I being controlloing or possessive? Why does he feel the need to be out all night? On top of this, I feel he is drinking a lot lately (huge job pressure and big issues between us of late have Im sure contributed), so how do I handle this?

LegacyUser

Sorry, to clarify, it was my ex who was on the net to meet people, not my current OH.

Kimia

I think you are a bit yea. There's no need to get into a panic when he's out, hammered. That's his own business and you should not be getting up and getting frantic looking for him. He's a big boy. Just chill out and tell him not to wake you when he gets in.

Maybe he just went to CES with the lads? Who cares? If he's going to cheat, he'll cheat no matter what pub he goes to.

You can either trust him or not. That part is up to you. The rest is out of your control. Nothing you've posted sounds suspicious on his part, but again you know the story better. Best of luck.

That_Guy

You're with him 2 years now at this stage and tbh it sounds like the only trust in the relationship is coming from him. He doesn't mind you going out with your friends but it's suddenly an issue when he decides to go out.

You have to trust him. I wouldn't even worry about him being secretive about his laptop or whatever because I'm the same. I like my privacy and I shouldn't have to report to my gf as to what I'm doing all the time, just like I don't expect her to tell me.

I think you're reading too much into this. I know you say your ex went out and met people over the internet for sex but this is a totally different person you're with now.
I just see this as a lads night out and he's entitled to it.
Of course you're gonna be wary due to your last relationship but it'd be very unfair of you to tell him what he can and can not do.

Kimia

Sorry OP i just re-read your post. What is the 'secret' and is that why you're so suspsicious? It makes a difference to the advice we give..

LegacyUser

Ok, the only reason I went out to look for him is that he had gotten out of the taxi to get sick on the way home, had let the taxi go and he was at minimum a couple of miles from home but was not sure exactly where he was... I was frantic in case he was jumped or fell asleep at the side of the road. The road from town is remote and a lot of it tree lined with no paths so that was my worry.

I dont want to say what the issue was but he led me up the garden path about something which was very important. Not related to fidelity but to the future of us both.

I had no issue with him going out but its him not coming home til 5 am that makes me stressed.

opinion guy

ok i find your post a little muddled. Its hard to interpret without knowing what this secret is. Does it relate to him going out ?!?!?


Quite apart from that did you say he is 47 ? Then hmmm no I don't you are wrong to be concerned - I would have thought 47 is beyond the getting so drunk you are barely able to make it home stage. But I can't from your post see how you are being controlling - are you punishing him somehow or something ?

Oryx

Dont have a row with someone when they are drunk. Never ends well.

It sounds to me like you are going off at this guy for being out/being drunk when the real issue is this secret he kept from you. Are you sure its not just you being mad over that, and then causing friction in another way? Maybe youre just not done dealing with the secret and need to go through it with him some more.

You do seem to be suspicious that this guy may have the same faults as your ex, and you may have a reduced ability to trust after that experience, but thats something within you that you need to identify and deal with. Your current man sounds normal in his behaviour to me, but of course if his drinking patterns have changed recently that is something you need to talk (not argue) about with him.

That_Guy

Kimia wrote: »

Sorry OP i just re-read your post. What is the 'secret' and is that why you're so suspsicious? It makes a difference to the advice we give..

I think the secret was that her OH said that he doesn't go to CES because his friends go out to pull and then he started going there which made the OP a bit suspicious of him.

That_Guy

opinion guy wrote: »

ok i find your post a little muddled. Its hard to interpret without knowing what this secret is. Does it relate to him going out ?!?!?


Quite apart from that did you say he is 47 ? Then hmmm no I don't you are wrong to be concerned - I would have thought 47 is beyond the getting so drunk you are barely able to make it home stage. But I can't from your post see how you are being controlling - are you punishing him somehow or something ?

I don't agree with this. I don't think there's an limit as to what age you can and can't come home legless.

LegacyUser

ok - he told me he was divorced when we met first but he wasnt - he was and is still separated, many years but thats not the point. He was 'afriad to lose me'....... But this was only made clear after I moved in with him. I feel if he is capable of midleading me on that he can do it on anything....

Kimia

That_Guy wrote: »

I think the secret was that her OH said that he doesn't go to CES because his friends go out to pull and then he started going there which made the OP a bit suspicious of him.

No i can see that the 'secret' is that the boyfriend led her up the garden path about something to do with their future. Kids maybe? who knows.

OP I agree with Oryx. You're transferring your anger about the secret on to him. Although I'd also agree with Opinion Guy - why is he going out and getting so drunk he pukes and falls out of taxis at 47 years of age? Seems like he needs to mature a small bit.

LegacyUser

I do worry about hsi drinking. he holds a very responsible job and recently got the offer for a new job, his dream job which would be akin to winning 'The Apprentice', luckily he hadnt started because the company went up in a puff of smoke this week in a very dramatic fashion. The income was going to be the answer to his debts and now he is worse off due to paying for exams lately and it is all up in the air.

I understand why he needs to let of steam but do 47 year old men hang out in CES for no reason til the middle of the night or I am being 'had'?

Barracudaincork

controller? wrote: »

ok - he told me he was divorced when we met first but he wasnt - he was and is still separated, many years but thats not the point. He was 'afriad to lose me'....... But this was only made clear after I moved in with him. I feel if he is capable of midleading me on that he can do it on anything....

My ex did a few things similar to this, made out they were engaged previously to a long term ex but werent, made out they had lost a baby with same long term ex, when in fact they had an abortion, made out they had two degrees, but only had one. So many things were said to impress me and they couldnt own up about as they were afraid to loose me, as usual the truth always comes out and hence the 2nd word of this paragraph "ex".

I agree if he misleads you once, he has the potential to do it again.

kenbrady

Controller? wrote: »

I understand why he needs to let of steam but do 47 year old men hang out in CES for no reason til the middle of the night or I am being 'had'?

The guy has been out 2 times in the past two months.

He's out having fun with his mates til the middle of the night, CES is the same any other pub in town. It's not some place where you are only allowed enter if you are out on the pull. He's 47 even if he wanted to, he would find it very hard to score in CES.

LegacyUser

The last time this happened, I had taken the next day off to spend with him cos he had been away so much and he didnt wake til 1 pm... He has lots to do with regard projects he is involved in to earn extra money, a lot of it to be done this week and he is still in bed now. I was up all night and actually slept in today, first time in my life that I didnt hear the alarm and had to call in sick!!!! All because he puked and had to get out of a taxi cos he was out drinking from 7 to 3 am.....

He is out again this Thursday. I do notice that when we are out he drinks faster and seems more drunk than everyone else.

I dont know where to start to talk to him about this.

Oryx

Controller? wrote: »

I do worry about hsi drinking. he holds a very responsible job and recently got the offer for a new job, his dream job which would be akin to winning 'The Apprentice', luckily he hadnt started because the company went up in a puff of smoke this week in a very dramatic fashion. The income was going to be the answer to his debts and now he is worse off due to paying for exams lately and it is all up in the air.

I understand why he needs to let of steam but do 47 year old men hang out in CES for no reason til the middle of the night or I am being 'had'?

Men, 47 or otherwise, will hang out with their mates to let off steam. The venue can be irrelevant. And it does sound like he needs to. Give him some rope. If he were a cheater, nagging wouldnt dissuade him, the opposite, probably. And if he is NOT a cheater, then nagging will only add to your relationship stress. Trust him till he gives you reason not to. A bender now and again is not a reason.

And re the divorce/separation thing. He may feel the difference between the two is purely down to paperwork. Saying he is divorced may be because it is in essence how he feels his status is, even if he has never completed the legal process.

Sinall

Kimia wrote: »

No i can see that the 'secret' is that the boyfriend led her up the garden path about something to do with their future. Kids maybe? who knows.

I thought the secret was to do with his laptop/phone!

Everyone is entitled to a bit of privacy OP. And whilst you might not think him going out and getting drunk is age-appropriate, he is hardly going to take a look at his watch on a night out with his friends and go, "Hmmm, it's midnight, I am 47 - away home with me!"

Sometimes its fun to have a big night out with your friends. I'm sure he regrets throwing up in the taxi, but who amongst us has never done something they regret?!

If he's out with his friends and they are having a good night he is probably going to stay out till they all go home. And I don't really see the problem with that. You talk about him "feeling the need" to stay out till the middle of the night but he's just hanging out with his friends. You aren't the mother of a teenager, it sounds a bit like you want to give him an appropriate curfew!

Just relax a bit. CES is not different to any other pub in town! If people are looking for a score they can find it anywhere.

Gyalist

Are you the same poster who was planning to give up her job to move to the Middle East with a guy you had loaned a substantial amount of money so that he could retrain?

LegacyUser

But he goes out with different friends and he always appears to be the one who wants to go to CES!

I understand the idea that he may consider himself divorced but he isnt and he should have given me full picture before moving in with him. I consider him someone elses husband no matter on what level and I dont like it.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

Are you the same poster who was planning to give up her job to move to the Middle East with a guy you had loaned a substantial amount of money so that he could retrain?

Nope - no such luck

Sinall

Controller? wrote: »

But he goes out with different friends and he always appears to be the one who wants to go to CES!

I understand the idea that he may consider himself divorced but he isnt and he should have given me full picture before moving in with him. I consider him someone elses husband no matter on what level and I dont like it.

So what if he wants to go to CES? It's just a pub. You need to let that part of it go!

I understand your concerns about him not telling you he was separated. I do agree that he should have filled you in before you moved in with him. You thought you were moving in with a guy who was divorced, when in fact he is separated. However, you need to decide if you can get past that. Does he have plans for a divorce?

Concerns about one area (ie the divorce thing) can lead you to become paranoid/controlling in relation to other areas (the CES thing). Sometimes people get upset about one thing, but something else is the cause of the upset! Try to make sure you are dealing with the real problem and don't let your irritation over one thing infect everything else....because that will just keep spreading!

That_Guy

Controller? wrote: »

The last time this happened, I had taken the next day off to spend with him cos he had been away so much and he didnt wake til 1 pm... He has lots to do with regard projects he is involved in to earn extra money, a lot of it to be done this week and he is still in bed now. I was up all night and actually slept in today, first time in my life that I didnt hear the alarm and had to call in sick!!!! All because he puked and had to get out of a taxi cos he was out drinking from 7 to 3 am.....

He is out again this Thursday. I do notice that when we are out he drinks faster and seems more drunk than everyone else.

I dont know where to start to talk to him about this.

He's 47!!! He can take care of himself. He doesn't need you to be taking days off work to look after him.