Abusive and depressed son

LegacyUser

Long time poster, but am going anon.
I have a major problem with my son, and don't really know where to turn to for help. He is early 20's and still living at home - for reasons I will explain. He is depressed,and on medication for the last year, he also has a very serious weight problem.

During the last 2 1/2 years, he has left home,(actually I gave him a month to find somewhere to live, due to his abusive behaviour)returned home, left again for six months, and returned once again - he has been in my home for the last year.

He has been unemployed for just over a year - was working initially but was fired for being verbally abusive to a customer. He had two thousand euro saved, and spent it all in three weeks on gambling and food.

He is literally living as a hermit in his room - there is mess everywhere, hundreds of empty soft drink bottles,food wrappers, food cartons, filthy plates and clothes. All his time is spent on the pc, he stays up for 48/72hrs at a time, then sleeps all day, is up all night, and eats and eats, gaining more and more weight. He doesn't have any awareness of personal hygiene, takes no care of his appearance, doesn't care. I am constantly in a state of anxiety, worried sick about him, and in no position to do anything to help. He flies off the handle at anything, over-reacts to everything. Doesn't leave the house unless its to sign on, or buy food.

I have tried talking to him, about his feelings, I have suggested he speaks to his GP about his weight, I have yelled, screamed, shouted, spoken reasonably, had endless discussions, all to no avail. He is rude,threatening to me and his younger sibling,shouts constantly at me and everyone else.He has threatened suicide.He has threatened violence.

He often makes these threats when I say I cannot cope with him in my home any longer, so of course he stays. He is verbally very very nasty, when I was ill at one point he told me he hoped I would die, and some of the really awful things he has said just do not bear repeating.

He needs help, but I don't know where to get it for him. He refuses to tell me the name of his doctor, though I don't know what I could do even if I knew. I think he has a mental illness of some sort, over and above the depression, and I do not know what to do about it. All I know is how desperately unhappy he is, and how difficult it is for everyone else at home.

carolinespring

You poor thing, I really dont know what to say to you or cant give any advice other than to phone AWARE, they should be able advice you. You will get the phone number in the book.

Keep strong and look after yourself.

Ickle Magoo

I would speak to AWARE, I'd also call into the Garda station & ask where you stand & what you can do from a legal perspective. It might be worth talking to your own doctor as well & find out if there is an Irish equivalent to the mental health act.

You can't live in fear in your own home. Your son is an adult and he needs to start acting like one, he can't just trip home & live off you on the dole for the rest of his life - all the while being abusive to you - he needs to try to get better. Is there anyone that could speak to him? Someone he would listen to & even be a bit afraid of? He seems to have gotten used to controlling you with violence or the threat of violence & you need a way to break that cycle.

If your son is suffering from a serious mental illness then is there a way of doing some kind of intervention? There must be some kind of facility he can be admitted to until he can behave appropriately and is no longer threatening at least? Find out all your options. Best of luck.

MizzLolly

Oh you poor thing! I cannot offer any advice on this as I have not experienced it personally but I do think if I was in your position I would contact AWARE as a starting point.

I really hope everything works out okay. Mother's are irreplaceable and I know my own one is worth everything to me. The last thing any mother deserves is to be treated this way in her own home by her own child.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

LegacyUser

Things have come to a head tonight - I have been pushed against the wall and threatened with a hammer, all because I would not reconnect the internet. I disconnected the wireless two days ago, asking him to shower and clean up the room. He has showered today, but nothing else. The internet is my only bargaining tool, so I use it.

He came downstairs and demanded that I reconnect, and I repeatedly, nicely said that I had no problem doing that after he cleaned the mess in his room.Point blank refused. Then he lost it.

I asked for the hammer, he put it in my hand, and has stormed out saying he will throw himself under a truck. He will not answer his mobile. I am being held to ransom yet again.

LegacyUser

He has just walked in the door - gone upstairs and told me he was too much of a coward to do it - he is going to the hardware shop tomorrow to buy rope. OHMY god what am I supposed to do or react to that????????

doctor evil

Talk to your GP about getting him admitted to a hospital, involuntary if needs be. Is there somewhere else where the younger siblings can stay while this kicks off?

http://www.dohc.ie/public/information/mental_health/mental_health_act_2001.html

Ickle Magoo

If someone threatened me with a hammer, I'd call the police. Unless there are serious consequences to his behaviour there is no reason for him to change. I really feel for you but there is only so much you can do to help him and threatening you or threatening to end his own life sounds like it has gotten beyond keeping it between you & having a wee chat.

davyjose

doctor evil wrote: »

Talk to your GP about getting him admitted to a hospital, involuntary if needs be. Is there somewhere else where the younger siblings can stay while this kicks off?

http://www.dohc.ie/public/information/mental_health/mental_health_act_2001.html

OP, Do this. For you, your family, and most of all for your son.

Elessar

Your son is in need of psychiatric intervention. I will repost what a psychiatrist posted here about a similar thread about someones brother.

go to his or your GP and say you want to make an application for assessment under the mental health act.

this request cannot be refused.

you will have to fill out a form, which the gp will have.

then, within 24 hours of you signing that form, the gp has to see your brother. dont worry if he wont go to the surgery, the gp will then have to arrange to go to him. it's not a choice, it's the law, so its up to the gp to get to see him.

if the gp agrees that he needs psych assessment, he will fill out another form.

you will than have to get your bro to the local psych unit. how this happens varies across the country. ideally, he would agree to go with you. some hospitals send out staff to bring people in, others use an agency located in naas (i think). in other areas the guards will help. your gp should know what the local policy is, or if he doesnt know a quick phonecall to the psych unit will sort it out.

once in the psych unit, he will be seen by a consultant psychiatrist within 24 hours. they have the final say on whether he is kept in or not. there are a number of criteria that have to be met before someone can be detained against their will. im not gonna go into them here, because we've no way of knowing whether or not your brother meets them.

long story short, go to gp and start the ball rolling.

(i presume you are over 18 - if not, a sibling who is over 18 or a parent will have to sign teh form)

good luck, i hope things turn out ok.

Do this ASAP. It is clear he will need to be involuntarily committed.

EDIT: If you think he is genuinely going to attempt suicide (and this is not just another cry for attention), call the guards.

LegacyUser

Thank you for that information
I don't know if these threats are a way of hurting me, or if he is serious. How would I know?? I am in a constant state of anxiety.

What if he refuses to go to a hospital,how can he be made to go, by force? Oh my god ( I think he would react very badly. How would his doctor decide if he needed to be assessed, there and then? Would I be better off trying to gently suggest that he allows himself to be helped. I just don't know.

davyjose

Miserablemother wrote: »

Would I be better off trying to gently suggest that he allows himself to be helped. I just don't know.

Do you believe there's any chance of that working? From what I gather, there isn't.

LegacyUser

Look op do as is suggested above.

I was lucky enough to be woken by the guards at 5am one morning telling me they had my brother in custody and that he wanted to see me after some good soul had pulled him from the bridge over the local river. By the time i got there he was willing to go to be committed of his own accord thankfully.

I suspect this case is half serious half for attention but best be safe if nothing else if your son is acting up this will scare him straight / into treatment and acknowledging the problem . On the other hand it may make him hate you even more. Either way you should not have to put up with this alone.

I hate to say this , but he sounds like one selfish git, albeit I believe a genuinely depressed one but something has got to give here. My brother was exactly the same, and it killed me to see him like that, in the Garda station I was just so relieved he was ok and was going to get help, but cursing him at the same time for putting my parents through what he had

I'll not lie to you, as a brother it was hard but I can not imagine what it's like to see your child committed , those places are not pleasant asnd if you have never been to a mental hospital nothing will prepare you for it (thats a whole other rant at the state of these places and the government).

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your insight - I am in a state of turmoil this morning. I know what I have to do to help him, but I am afraid, of what I don't know.I am going to try and find out who his doctor is, I definitely do not want to approach my own GP. I hope I will be taken seriously, and mostly I hope the process is not very long and drawn out. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I live in a somewhat similar situation to yours, although not quite as extreme, and I am the sibling, not the parent.

My brother is in his mid 20s and never leaves the house. He hasn't worked in 2 years and refuses to go on the dole. He spends his days watching tv. That's it. Nothing else. He has frequent temper tantrums and is set off by anything.

He hates my dad who does nothing but his best, feeds him dinner etc. He lashes out at my mum. (although not quite the level of violence/threats you describe, it is still extremely difficult to live with constant 100 decibel screaming once a week on average) He also seems to have OCD and was on mild anti-depressants for a time.

I know he clearly isn't happy but as someone else said, he's also a selfish git. He point blank refuses to change. I hate what he puts my parents through and at this stage, I just never want to see him again once I leave home (when I finish college this year.)

I don't really have anything to add to the advice others have given, but just know your situation is by no means unique. I have a female cousin who acts similarly, and she's 40. It seemed to be of some comfort to my mum when the GP at least allowed her to see that there are so many families out there dealing with something like this.

I've considered making a thread about this myself, but I just tell myself at the end of the day it's not *my* problem per se and I'll be moving out relatively soon. Sounds harsh but at this stage I don't give a f*ck. I can only imagine what it's like to be the parent.

Best of luck OP, I'm thinking of you, hope something works out. Don't give up hope that one day he will live a normal life.

Sir Ophiuchus

Honestly, it sounds like he's using your love for him in order to exploit you.

"Please don't trash my house." Reply: "You want your own son on the street?"

"I worry about you and the way you're living." Reply: "You have no right to criticise me."

"I can't have you in my house." Reply: Physical threat and threats of suicide.


At a certain point you have to worry more about yourself than about him. Get him assessed perhaps, but take a look at what you're letting him away with. I'm not a psychologist or any kind of professional, but this looks like a standard abusive relationship - the only difference is that it's with your son. Also, he has a younger sibling that your tolerating this man is endangering.

I know you worry about him and care for him, it's evident in what you write. But, at the end of the day, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and especially not someone who'll use that help to exploit you.

I would make him leave. Go to the guards and get a barring order (or similar - not a lawyer but a threat of physical violence is probably grounds for something), and explain that he has to leave. If you genuinely consider him a suicide risk go to a GP (doesn't have to be yours or his, go to one who knows neither of you if that worries you) and have him assessed, but either way he has to leave. AWARE was mentioned, and they're a good resource, but honestly I'd suggest contacting Women's Aid (1800 341 900), who help women suffering from domestic violence.

Do you have a brother or sister or close relative who can give you support as well?

Ultimately, the time has come to draw the line. You can't help your son any more. You need to think about protecting yourself and your other child from him. Posting here is a sign that you're able to ask for help. Please, please go to one of the resources mentioned here and do so.

A another

Elessar wrote: »

Your son is in need of psychiatric intervention. I will repost what a psychiatrist posted here about a similar thread about someones brother.

Do this ASAP. It is clear he will need to be involuntarily committed.

EDIT: If you think he is genuinely going to attempt suicide (and this is not just another cry for attention), call the guards.

same problem wrote: »

Hi OP,

I live in a somewhat similar situation to yours, although not quite as extreme, and I am the sibling, not the parent.

I just never want to see him again once I leave home (when I finish college this year.) ...................................
Sounds harsh but at this stage I don't give a f*ck. I can only imagine what it's like to be the parent.

Best of luck OP, I'm thinking of you, hope something works out. Don't give up hope that one day he will live a normal life.

Hi OP.

Sorry to hear about your troubles but please re read the posts by Elessar #10 and Same problem #15.

Your son is old enough to know right from wrong. He needs to take control of his own life and you cannot give that to him.
You need to take control of your life and your house, if not for your own self than for your younger child.

Cut the apron strings if your older son is to ever have a life.


Best of luck. A

Emme

Miserablemother wrote: »

He has just walked in the door - gone upstairs and told me he was too much of a coward to do it - he is going to the hardware shop tomorrow to buy rope. OHMY god what am I supposed to do or react to that????????

You have good reason to go to the Gardai and possibly get a barring or protection order. Your son sounds like he's a danger to himself and to everyone else. It must be having an awful effect on the rest of the family. Good luck.