Worried about my ex-girlfriends drinking.

LegacyUser

Hi all

I had been going out with this girl for a year but we recently broke up because i was a ass, but before I meet her she was a huge party addict were she would get really drunk about 3 times a week. It settled down when she got with me, only rarely she would get so drunk, but originally her partying all seemed to start when her father got diagnosed with cancer. Now her father has died and we have broken up. Her answer to this is get really drunk. She works to hard in college and work and I am worried about her. She is also a terrible insomniac and its gotten worse. Her and her family don't talk about there feelings so there's no emotional support there.

I tried talking to her about it but she hates me after the breakup. I asked her to talk to someone maybe a conciliar but that made things worse she though I was saying she was crazy.

I myself dont drink and am wondering am I being foolish? Ive always been very much against drink and drugs abit of a extremist about it. She said I should just chill out as everyone is doing it.

What do I do?

extrinzic

I don't think you can do anything about it. You two have broken up, and it sounds like you are the last person she would listen to now, even if you offered good advise.

Barracudaincork

What should you do?

Leave her alone, she is your EX girlfriend and its none of your business anymore. I know that may sound harsh but thats the truth, you are no longer a couple and you no longer have any rights to say anything good, bad or indifferent about her and how she lives her life.

LegacyUser

Maybe not but i still care for her! Do you think she does has a problem I begin to doubt myself about it?

Taltos

She's an ex - you broke up - so leave her be.

All your constant worrying and contact is probably sending her a load of mixed messages.
Either you want to be with her - stay in touch
Or you want it to be over - let her get on with her own life - and if she messes it up - well being harsh about it - it's her life to mess up.

LegacyUser

Worrying X wrote: »

Maybe not but i still care for her! Do you think she does has a problem I begin to doubt myself about it?

Its doesn't matter if you still care about her. Its not about you and how your feel.

I get the impression here you are trying to salve your guilt by trying to interfere in her business now under the guise of 'being concerned' or 'helping'

Well, listen thats NOT an ex-boyfriends place ok?

Your place and role is to back off and let your ex's close friends and family worry about her.

She doesn't have a problem btw, getting pi$$ed 3 times a week while not optimally desirable is quite normal for a young person so butt out.

Barracudaincork

Worrying X wrote: »

Maybe not but i still care for her! Do you think she does has a problem I begin to doubt myself about it?

Thats fine if you care about her, you are entitled too. Now if you care about her as much as you say you do, you will leave her alone. She doesnt need an ex poking his nose in where it is not wanted and telling her how to run her life etc You have to look at it from her point of view, not yours OP im afraid.

I cant answer your question re does she have a problem as i have no idea to what extent she is drinking, as you are not fond of the drink yourself you may think 3 glasses of wine is heaps, while others mightnt. However, if she pours vodka on her cornflakes in the morning, then yeah im pretty sure she has a problem, that problem though is as much my business as it is yours.

Moomoo1

Worrying X wrote: »

Maybe not but i still care for her! Do you think she does has a problem I begin to doubt myself about it?

how many units of alcohol are we talking about here? If it's anything more than 10 on a given night then yes, I think there's a problem.

Xterminator

Moomoo1 wrote: »

how many units of alcohol are we talking about here? If it's anything more than 10 on a given night then yes, I think there's a problem.

but still not your business.

if your very concerned, call her best friend and express your concerns, then mind your own business.

LegacyUser

I agree with the other posters OP, although you may well still care for her, it's none of your business anymore and you are the last person that she is going to listen too anyway.

It's impossible for any of us to say whether or not she has a drink problem without knowing how much she drinks, it's impossible for you to know either, unless you are with her every time she goes out. Although I don't think going out 3 times a week is necessarily a problem for a young person at college who has recently gone through a break up. When I was at University I sometimes went out and drank that often but I wouldn't (although it's not ideal) say I ever had a drink 'problem'.

I wonder if you are using your 'concern' for her on this issue as a way of maintaining contact or poking your nose into her business. I am not saying you are but it comes accross like that might be the case.

Moomoo1

Xterminator wrote: »

but still not your business.

if your very concerned, call her best friend and express your concerns, then mind your own business.

I think that when any other person is doing detrimental things to themselves then it's very much our business.

petethebrick

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think that when any other person is doing detrimental things to themselves then it's very much our business.

LOL
I'm glad we don't have people like you running the country!
According to you we should make it our business when other people are for example - eating too much junk food, drinking too much tea/coffee, not exercising enough.....
It's not one bit of your fckuing business how others lead their lives!

OP - all you can do is let your concerns be known and leave it after that.

Moomoo1

petethebrick wrote: »

LOL
I'm glad we don't have people like you running the country!
According to you we should make it our business when other people are for example - eating too much junk food, drinking too much tea/coffee, not exercising enough.....
It's not one bit of your fckuing business how others lead their lives!

OP - all you can do is let your concerns be known and leave it after that.

this is the sad state of the society we live in - that people just don't want to care about others... and those who do show care and attempt to help are portrayed as those horrible monsters...

wylo

jesus whats with all the bitter responses? he thinks she has a drinking problem and people are just saying he should completely ignore and blank her from his life because of that.
Is that the formula we've to live to now? People break up after a year and no matter what they must absolutely stay out of each others lives even if theres something serious involved.

On saying that, there was one good point made there, she wont want to listen to you even she hates you. So as someone said, get onto her friends and be frank about it. Dont beat around the bush just because your a friends ex or anything like that. Just explain that just because your split doesnt mean your not worried about her.

Taltos

wylo wrote: »

jesus whats with all the bitter responses? he thinks she has a drinking problem and people are just saying he should completely ignore and blank her from his life because of that.
Is that the formula we've to live to now? People break up after a year and no matter what they must absolutely stay out of each others lives even if theres something serious involved.

On saying that, there was one good point made there, she wont want to listen to you even she hates you. So as someone said, get onto her friends and be frank about it. Dont beat around the bush just because your a friends ex or anything like that. Just explain that just because your split doesnt mean your not worried about her.

One thing to consider in this argument is that this breakup may have been the straw with the proverbial camel.
By all means ask the friends - but continual contact like this will only build the poor girl up for another crushing blow when she realizes that the OP is not interested.

In terms though of asking the friends / continual involvement - please be clear in your own head why you feel you have to intrude?
Her friends surely see what is going on - so what benefit will you bugging them do - or is this as someone else suggested all about assuaging your own guilt / ego? Not saying this is the case - just be crystal before you contact them why you are and what you are looking for from this.

Sometimes when I am really low I really just want to be left alone and hate it when others will not respect what I need. Maybe she just needs time to grieve alone, or maybe she has just refound herself after your split - either way an ex is just that - ex.

JonathanAnon

I think there's a certain natural (and subliminally selfish) wish to right the wrongs you have done. From what you describe it seems that you cheated on her or similar, so you blame yourself for the breakup. And now you want to ride in like the white knight and make everything alright. Unfortunately this is not really going to be possible.

I think you just have to leave her alone. It is easier to get over someone that you cant see. And giving her space is probably the best thing you can do for her. If she gets real bad, then tell her family, but dont intervene yourself.. That's my two cents for what it's worth.

LegacyUser

same here. but roles reversed. i got dumped but then recently contacted w/ my ex. by some reasons.

he is having obvious problems with alcohol.

i care abt him so much. he has not many true friends. i doubt whether any of his friends at this time tell him that he has drinking problems. i think most of his friends now actually are drinking friends.

i told him that i do still care abt him and i do really know that things are impossible between us. he dumped me so he was not indeed really into me at the first place. then now seeing him living his life like this, there is a big no no for me to love him.

he accepted my care and friendship. indeed, he needs me (as a friend).

sometimes i do fear that it's a bit confusing here.
say, i may get hold on. i do want to move on. i am trying to see other guys, though no luck, yet.
say, he may be confused with grateful feelings with romance feelings towards me.

but i really can't leave him alone.

and i decided to take this risk. i dont know whether it's right or wrong. but i follow my heart.

---

for ur case, OP, it's different though. the main point is, she does not want your friendship. she can't take in any of your advice. instead, maybe your advice would drive her to drink more...

so, maybe leave it there? as other posters said, talk with her friends or family and raise the issues. then you probably have done what you need to do.

i do appreciate your care towards your ex.. i think your care is sincere.

but there maybe other alternatives better than you give her lecturers directly.

Firetrap

If you feel you want to help, try getting in touch with a friend or a close family member and explain the situation. Other than that, you're better off not getting involved.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Just to update you guys. Monday night she called me up very drunkenly with a mix of angry and sorrow. As she sobered up and my phone bill grew there was more sorrow than anger and she admitted to having a problem with drink. She wants to get back together but take it slowly and most importantly she wants to give up the sauce.

I found it scary to think that she has been out drinking with her friends for so long and none of them mentioned it, I thing most likely because highlighting the fact that if she may have a problem they might have one too.

Thanks for all your responses they were all very helpful, but it is indeed sad to see people find it so easy to look away at someone in need.

Taltos

Worrying X wrote: »

`... but it is indeed sad to see people find it so easy to look away at someone in need.

Whatever you need to tell yourself Op.
However - please bear in mind how you really feel - don't lead her on; don't be a crutch or an enabler.

If you both can separate the friendship / lover thing then wonderful. Just don't hurt her.

Moomoo1

Worrying X wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses they were all very helpful, but it is indeed sad to see people find it so easy to look away at someone in need.

I agree entirely. 'Out of sight, out of mind' might be a great defense mechanism, but it's unkind to say the least...