Feel so confused - LDR

LegacyUser

I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for almost a year. We started going out right before he left, and agreed to say where it went, which ended up with us wanting to stay together. I've been over to visit him a few times but there's usually 4+ months between visits. We get along really well, only had a couple of major fights during the year, and we have been in contact constantly, Skype calls every other day, all that. My feelings for him have been strong throughout the year, bar a few moments of indecision just before I went to visit him each time, which was rectified when I saw him as I walked into arrivals. Well, it's almost time for him to come home and....... I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. I feel mortified, and I know he would be too if he read this. He's a lovely guy, he's lovely to me and I've been feeling so lonely for the last few months (I moved to a new city to do a postgrad course and he's supposed to join me), but I feel like something is missing. I just don't think I'm crazily in love with him like I was with my ex (who turned out to be a d*ckhead and cheated on me, but I had very strong feelings for him). I feel like I don't have much to say to him these days, and I barely think about him in my day to day life. I purposely kept busy so I wouldn't pine for him, I study full time and work part time, but is this normal?! I mean we got through a whole year of being apart and now he's finally coming home, I'm having doubts? There is absolutely no-one else involved or anything like that. I really want this to work but I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet about him moving over here or what! Help!

Terodil

Ugh. Hard to give advice here since it really seems you'll need to make up your mind yourself there.

But in fairness you haven't really seen each other a lot. You say you've known each other for about a year, with 4+ months between each visit, so that's... 2-3 times that you've actually seen each other, for a weekend each? and you're now talking about moving in together?

No wonder you feel unsure about it, to me it sounds as if you haven't really had the chance to properly date, let alone glimpse what normal life together could be like. I think you should give yourself the chance to do that first. TBH 4 months between each visit would seem like eternity to me. Why was there no more effort to see each other?

Eve_Dublin

I was in a similiar situation when I was 21 OP. Went on my J1, met an American fella my second week there, got on great for the Summer (he moved into our filthy, smelly, Irish student-infested one bedroom flat) and we decided to keep it going. We "went out" for 2 years altogether; he visited me twice for about a month and a half in total and I visited him twice for about 2 months in total....I'd seen this fella for about 6 or 7 months out of 2 years!!

He was a lovely fella but I was young and foolish and thought something might come of our relationship after we both finished our degrees...but I was basically living in a fantasy-land. We'd both built each other up in our heads to someone we weren't and could never be (perfection) and when it came down to it, we didn't know each other. It wasn't actually a proper relationship at all because when we saw each other it was only on a holiday without the stresses and strains of a proper relationship....but 2 years later I turned 23 and grew up a bit. I realised that I didn't actually love this guy, I only loved the perfect man I'd built him up to be and living under that kind of delusion isn't sustainable.

I think the same goes for you and your man. You're passion for this guy is fizzling out because you don't actually know him very well and don't have enough to go on to sustain the interest.

I'm cynical when it comes to these kinds of LDRs now. They're fantasy, not reality and you can't sustain a fantasy forever.

LegacyUser

But in fairness you haven't really seen each other a lot. You say you've known each other for about a year, with 4+ months between each visit, so that's... 2-3 times that you've actually seen each other, for a weekend each? and you're now talking about moving in together?

No, we started going out officially a year ago. We were good friends for about 5 months before that, and started seeing each other about 2 months before he left. I didn't see him for a weekend on my visits, I saw him for 2 weeks or 3 weeks at a time. And we're not moving in together, I meant he's moving over to where I am. He'll be getting his own place.

No wonder you feel unsure about it, to me it sounds as if you haven't really had the chance to properly date, let alone glimpse what normal life together could be like. I think you should give yourself the chance to do that first. TBH 4 months between each visit would seem like eternity to me. Why was there no more effort to see each other?

That's what we'd be doing, there won't be any weddings or anything. But he definitely sees this as a long term thing, whereas I feel like we need to 'see where it goes' (while not giving up on us, just keeping an open mind). And as for the visits, we already did much more than both of us could afford - he's a 12 hour flight away. The original plan was to visit only once during the year, it was that expensive but we missed each other too much.

LegacyUser

I am in an LDR but he's in London so we see each other two weekends a month on average. I totally get what you mean re the "having nothing to see" and I think its something you need to accept as part of an LDR - its hard to strike up an exciting new conversation when the likelihood is you take at the same time all day and if you work 9-5 its all you've done bla bla bla, but as you said when you see them in the arrivals hall it makes it all worth while...therefore if this "being perfect when together" is still there would you not just wait to see what its like when he is home?! Personally I am unbelievably nervous every time I go and see him and everytime he comes hun, I worry that all those times he says oh I miss you can't wait to see you that his brain will trick him into thinking I am better looking/nicer than I am in real life, but when I see him I relax instantly and realise how stupid I was being...also worry about him coming home (although I'd give anything for it to be tomorrow) because I worry that with such a sharp influx in "together time" we will kill each other...but you have to take the good with the bad...LDR's are so alien to a normal relationship therefore I would say let him come home, make sure you's don't go into overdrive seeing each other for the first while and see what happens! It'll be like a whole new relationship and they can either go good or bad, but I would wait around to see which!

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I was in a similiar situation when I was 21 OP. Went on my J1, met an American fella my second week there, got on great for the Summer (he moved into our filthy, smelly, Irish student-infested one bedroom flat) and we decided to keep it going. We "went out" for 2 years altogether; he visited me twice for about a month and a half in total and I visited him twice for about 2 months in total....I'd seen this fella for about 6 or 7 months out of 2 years!!

HI Eve thanks for posting. Well, I think my situation is a bit different, as he's Irish as well, we met at home in Dublin and we were friends for a few months (seeing each other almost every day) before we started seeing each other. We haven't seen that much of each other this year, but he wasn't able to come home because of his job, and we couldn't afford more than a few return flights to get me over there. It is a temporary thing though - we knew he'd be home in a year from the beginning, it's not like it was going to be indefinitely or we'd have to start worrying about green cards and residence permits.

He was a lovely fella but I was young and foolish and thought something might come of our relationship after we both finished our degrees...but I was basically living in a fantasy-land. We'd both built each other up in our heads to someone we weren't and could never be (perfection) and when it came down to it, we didn't know each other. It wasn't actually a proper relationship at all because when we saw each other it was only on a holiday without the stresses and strains of a proper relationship....but 2 years later I turned 23 and grew up a bit. I realised that I didn't actually love this guy, I only loved the perfect man I'd built him up to be and living under that kind of delusion isn't sustainable.

Yeah I can see that situation. We're not that young though, I'm 24 and he's almost 27. I haven't build him up into a perfect man, he's not perfect, but I love being around him and until recently could see that going on forever. I am worried about what you said, about the time seeing him being a holiday without the stresses and strains. When we were seeing each other back in Ireland it was brilliant, but perhaps was a honeymoon phase as the relationship hadn't got serious yet.

I think the same goes for you and your man. You're passion for this guy is fizzling out because you don't actually know him very well and don't have enough to go on to sustain the interest.

I'm cynical when it comes to these kinds of LDRs now. They're fantasy, not reality and you can't sustain a fantasy forever.

I do know him extremely well, we got very close as friends, and having to rely on Skype meant we actually talked much more than we would have if he was actually here. I'm just becoming unsure of how I feel about him. Like I said, I had a feeling similar to this before I last visited and it went away as soon as I saw him. Perhaps that'll happen again but I just don't know. I guess the fact that this time he's coming back for good, and he will be living where I live has thrown me a bit...... like, I'll feel responsible for his happiness here and so on.....