Christmas cards in year of bereavement?

Filan

A few people have told me or family members that they won't be sending us Christmas cards as we lost a loved one this year. Some have even said that we shouldn't send any either, apparently it's a tradition in some parts. A friend who lost her father said likewise.

Is this 'tradition' still widely practiced or was it ever so? I mean it does nothing for the dead person, and I'd rather grieve with the support of friends, who showed they cared by sending a card than alone. Mum said it's a tradtion to spend a year in mourning and even was so to spend a year dressed in black. I understand this although I think it's pointless.

Do others follow this tradition and is it common in your area?

Warfi

Filan wrote: »

A few people have told me or family members that they won't be sending us Christmas cards as we lost a loved one this year. Some have even said that we shouldn't send any either, apparently it's a tradition in some parts. A friend who lost her father said likewise.

Is this 'tradition' still widely practiced or was it ever so? I mean it does nothing for the dead person, and I'd rather grieve with the support of friends, who showed they cared by sending a card than alone. Mum said it's a tradtion to spend a year in mourning and even was so to spend a year dressed in black. I understand this although I think it's pointless.

Do others follow this tradition and is it common in your area?

I've never heard of people not sending cards to people who have been bereaved. That sounds odd to me.
We just didn't send cards in the year of a family bereavement. It was tradition for us, and personally I just didn't feel like sending cards. Christmas is a tough time anyway when you lose someone, sending cards just seems to drive the final nails into the coffin (for me anyway ).

If you personally feel you want to send cards, then send them. At the end of the day, do whatever feels right to you. Whatever helps you to get through.

iluvmusic

hi filan, i lost my mum this year and i wondered about this tradition. we decided in the end not to because when she lost her sister she didnt send out cards. therefore it was a tradition i knew she'd appreciate and fitting to her memory. its a personal choice i think, do whatever feels right for you and what you feel the bereaved would want. in the end i was relieved that she had made the decision! christmas is going to be hard this year and im not sure what i would have written in the cards.

LegacyUser

My mum died in 2007 and we had the same issue.In the end i think my father sent some

I am aware of the tradition of the bereaved not sending but not with the idea of not being sent cards

Warfi

iluvmusic wrote: »

hi filan, i lost my mum this year and i wondered about this tradition. we decided in the end not to because when she lost her sister she didnt send out cards. therefore it was a tradition i knew she'd appreciate and fitting to her memory. its a personal choice i think, do whatever feels right for you and what you feel the bereaved would want. in the end i was relieved that she had made the decision! christmas is going to be hard this year and im not sure what i would have written in the cards.

Sorry to hear about your mum . You might be pleasantly surprised though come Christmas Day.....one year we were absolutely dreading it, but when the day finally came, all we felt was an indescribable peace. I hope it's the same for you

WesternNight

unregistered wrote: »

My mum died in 2007 and we had the same issue.In the end i think my father sent some

I am aware of the tradition of the bereaved not sending but not with the idea of not being sent cards

This. The tradition is that the bereaved family aren't expected to send cards, but I've never heard anything about them not being sent them. If anything, that just sounds mean.

dudara

There is an old tradition that the bereaved family doesn't send Christmas cards - never heard of the opposite direction though.

Ultimately though, if you want to send cards, then do so. I can see better ways of honouring a person's memory than not sending cards.

WesternNight

dudara wrote: »

I can see better ways of honouring a person's memory than not sending cards.

I think it's more that bereaved family have more to deal with than having to write Christmas cards to scores of people. When my gran died, my mother was so glad that she wasn't expected to write any...she writes way too many as it is...but that on top of everything else would just have been a bit much.

But I do agree that it's up to people whether they want to write them or not. It's nice to know you don't have to if you don't want to, though, I think.

iluvmusic

Warfi wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your mum . You might be pleasantly surprised though come Christmas Day.....one year we were absolutely dreading it, but when the day finally came, all we felt was an indescribable peace. I hope it's the same for you

thanks for that

stupidusername

my mam died in march of this year, and while i''m not worried about sending christmas cards (i dont anyway) I am kinda wondering would it maybe seem a bit insensitive to get my dad a christmas present? Sorry for adding my bit to the thread, just wanted opinions. He seems to be doing ok, although does seem to want to ignore christmas.I just thought this is the first year i actually had a good idea of a present to get him, its something i think he'd like and use, but then i wonder what he'd be thinking if i went and got anything for him.

WesternNight

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting him a Christmas present.

However, by way of kind of a compromise...maybe don't give it to him on Christmas Day itself.

I'm sorry about your mother. It would be unrealistic to expect things to carry on as they did before at Christmas, but there's no reason you still can't do nice things for one another

LegacyUser

stupidusername wrote: »

my mam died in march of this year, and while i''m not worried about sending christmas cards (i dont anyway) I am kinda wondering would it maybe seem a bit insensitive to get my dad a christmas present? Sorry for adding my bit to the thread, just wanted opinions. He seems to be doing ok, although does seem to want to ignore christmas.I just thought this is the first year i actually had a good idea of a present to get him, its something i think he'd like and use, but then i wonder what he'd be thinking if i went and got anything for him.

Hi - my mum passed away 3 weeks ago. Its still incredibly hard but as a family we are all getting together on Xmas Day and have organised Kris Kindle etc. She wouldn't have wanted us sitting on our own crying on Xmas Day - although I'm sure there will still be tears even though we will all be there for each other.

I really hope you get through it - I know what you are going through if it is any consolation.

Silverfish

My mum died in November, and I don't think we're sending cards this year (I never send any anyway) but I'll definitely still get presents for my dad this year. I think the first christmas after a bereavement is the one where you really have to try extra hard to keep the normal family traditions alive, and keep things going for normality's sake.
If not, things can slip and christmas time becomes just another day, when it should be about celebrating family and spending time together, especially the ones you still have.

Filan

My sympathies to all here who have experienced loss, I can only try to imagine how hard it is. My Uncle and father figure died at the end of April, maybe if it was more recent I wouldn't send, but at this stage feel that cards are a means of maintaining communication....which is important to me....

Silverfish

Filan wrote: »

My sympathies to all here who have experienced loss, I can only try to imagine how hard it is. My Uncle and father figure died at the end of April, maybe if it was more recent I wouldn't send, but at this stage feel that cards are a means of maintaining communication....which is important to me....

Well then absolutely send them. To be honest, its not one of the more strictly adhered to traditions. If it gives you comfort and maintains communication, then it's something that would be very important to do.

Darthhoob

do what you feel is right. there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

we got sent some sympathy cards on christmas day the year my mum died. tbh that made us feel a bit **** we'd of rather had christmas cards lol

LegacyUser

My mum passed away in September this year and we have decided to not send Christmas cards this year, as she didn't send cards any time a close member of her family passed away.
Being the youngest in my family, I was the only one still living at home with her when she passed away, so it is quite tough for me
However, my brothers and sisters are all coming here on Christmas day, along with some friends, so we are going to have quite a full house. We have decided to celebrate her life on Christmas day, and not sit around being upset. A few of the neighbours are going to call over in the evening too, and have a wee party, like she would've thrown herself if she were still here.

Fubu

Hi All

I was actually wondering the same thing, thanks for raising the issue. My mother passed away this month, and my family are asking the same question. we have decided not to send any, and to be honest we dont feel up to it. As others have pointed out it is up to you and your family what yo want to do.

Havent got the Christmas cheer this year. We also heard this other old tradition that you dont put up a tree at Christmas when there has been a bereavement, but we have ignored this and have some decorations up as it would have been what she wanted.

On another, off topic, note is it customary to send 'thank you' cards to the people who sent mass cards or sympathy cards, or do you just wait to send the memoriam cards with the photo and prayer.

Thanks, and I hope you get through this difficult time of year.

carolinespring

stupidusername wrote: »

my mam died in march of this year, and while i''m not worried about sending christmas cards (i dont anyway) I am kinda wondering would it maybe seem a bit insensitive to get my dad a christmas present? Sorry for adding my bit to the thread, just wanted opinions. He seems to be doing ok, although does seem to want to ignore christmas.I just thought this is the first year i actually had a good idea of a present to get him, its something i think he'd like and use, but then i wonder what he'd be thinking if i went and got anything for him.

Get your Dad a Christmas present. The year my dad died we didnt send cards and Mum wasnt going to put up a tree but on christmas eve she got upset and decoded that my Dad would have wanted her to have one so we runshed out and got one, new lights and all. We still did the present butkept them low key. It was a hard day but we pulled together and had a cry and also a laugh.

I would think your dad would be happy to get a gift.