I realized over the past few weeks that I've begun to hate men

LegacyUser

Hi there,
Just lookin for some insight on this. Going anon for obvious reasons. I`m 26 years old and up until this point have always felt that I would like to find a man who I could spend the rest of my life with, marry etc. Until now that is.
Now for the first time in my life I have reached a point where I honestly no longer care. I have no interest in a relationship at all. I`ve decided that if I want kids in the future I will simply pick out a decent man who also wants a child to be a co-parent as such, without me actually being involved emtionally with him as a partner.
The thing is this: I no longer like men. In fact I would go as far as saying I actually DISLIKE them and could not see myself being able to put my heart on the line for another man ever again as long as I live. I have always had a strong sex drive, and now I think that it would be enough for me to maintain a few regular hook-ups for no strings sex so that my sexual needs could be satisfied without getting myself involved with a man emotionally.
My reasons for this mental turnaround? Ok, here goes:
Every man I have ever been involved with has done one of the following:
-Been very loving , attentive in the beginning and then backed off totally, lost all interest in me as a person and made it very obvious that I am relativly unimportant to him
-Cheated on me or at the very least lied about his contact with other women to the point of losing my trust
-Chased me relentlessly until I returned the interest and then completly dropped me and acted as though I was some sort of stalker( ie he may have sent me 7 texts a day and called twice daily and yet if I send one or two text messages of my own accord Im supposedly "clingy")
-Used me for sex and then started a commited relationship with another women, claiming we were "just ****buddies"
-Been either verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
-Afraid of commitment in general
- Great until I have sex with him and then I am treated as no more than a booty call when he`s feeling horny, or else dropped all togther.

The scary thing is that most women I have spoken to have had the same experiences with men and I actually dont know of ONE relationship in which the male partner has not done on of the following.
Not saying women are perfect, but I can only speak from the perspective of a hetrosexual female seeing as thats what I am.

I guess I just see no point in putting myself through having my heart broken again and again when the guy involved is more than likely just going to promise me the sun moon and stars on minute and then drop me for another woman, cheat on me, or simply decide that hes bored with me and want "variety". I can live without that **** in my life thank you.

So I guess Im looking for advice here. I mean it when I say this: I intensly dislike men. I would like to get over this feeling but I cant seem to. Unless I can get past this I will never be able to build that relationship/family that I originally wanted but then again, I just dont see the point.

Both female and male views are welcomed on thsi one: ever completly gone off the opposite sex? And if so, how long did this phase last?.......

Jack B. Badd

AnoninDublin wrote: »

Every man I have ever been involved with has done one of the following:
-Been very loving , attentive in the beginning and then backed off totally, lost all interest in me as a person and made it very obvious that I am relativly unimportant to him
-Cheated on me or at the very least lied about his contact with other women to the point of losing my trust
-Chased me relentlessly until I returned the interest and then completly dropped me and acted as though I was some sort of stalker( ie he may have sent me 7 texts a day and called twice daily and yet if I send one or two text messages of my own accord Im supposedly "clingy")
-Used me for sex and then started a commited relationship with another women, claiming we were "just ****buddies"
-Been either verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
-Afraid of commitment in general
- Great until I have sex with him and then I am treated as no more than a booty call when he`s feeling horny, or else dropped all togther.

Looking at this objectively, I would imagine it's one of two things; either you have particularly bad selection process when it comes to male partners or you're transferring your own issues with regards to sex, relationships, etc onto these men.

It's worth bearing in mind that the common factor in this is you. I know that sounds harsh but if I were in your situation I'd be wondering what I'm doing wrong here since I appear to be the one getting emotionally hurt repeatedly. I'm not saying that there aren't some nasty people (of both genders) out there but to choose relationships that all fall into at least one of the above categories is more than just bad luck - it smacks of self-sabotage.

LegacyUser

I was thinking about starting this exact thread the past couple of weeks!

I'm in the same boat. I am starting to actually despise men and I know it's unhealthy.
Even male friends are really annoying me at the minute - perhaps because I can see in them what I saw in every man who jerked me around.

I can create a list similar to yours. Perhaps the best one was a mn telling me I was the love of his life, his soulmate. Dated him for 8 months - only to find out he was MARRIED the whole time!!!!

I'm sure the common denominator is me on some level - in the way that I am picking men perhaps. But it also tells me that there are A LOT of f-ing scumbag men out there too (and women I'm sure but I'm not sexually interested in women).

I've been doing the no strings sex thing for the past three years (not one night stands but I've had two regulars over that period of time). I got to a point with each of them that I hated them as well. I suppose I eventually resented the fact that they never became attached to me (even though I wasn't emotionally attached to them) and also how they spoke about women in general. I found out that one of them would f9ck anything and everything that moved and that he spoke really disparagingly of women.

I don't think I ever want to go near a man again. All I see are shallow human beings - who only care firstly about what the girl looks like on their arm and what their friends might think of her. They don't value a girl's individuality - instead want cookie cutters. And if you have a brain then you're definitely in trouble! I work in a very 'intellectual' position and that is seen as a major drawback as well. I'm also independent and many men want women they can rescue and protect.

I know there are lots of generalisations here...but this has been my experience and I'm fed up with meeting men who don't diverge from this. I'm quite happily single and think I want to remain that way. I'll just get a cat. Sad or what? lol

So OP, I know how you feel. And there are many of us out here. I think many women are getting to the point where we think it's just not worth the hassle anymore.

colly10

Its understandable that you would feel like this if your not long out of a relationship. Not all men are the same and to get so many men like this I could only wonder how your meeting them. I'll admit to have fitted into one of those categories before in my life but I certainly wouldn't have in my last 2 relationships. I've found being honest that many women are damaged goods and believe that you may be mistreating or intending on mistreating them even if you have no intention of it (they judge you on their past relationships). This still wouldn't stop me getting involved another relationship because everyone you meet is different and they all have good and bad points. I know lads who wouldn't fit into those categories either, you just have to find better and when you do it will be worth it

The Corinthian

Bottom line, for you, is that men cannot commit.

Many guys are really not interested in a really committed relationship until later in life. I remember that any relationship I entered, I knew instinctively that it would eventually end - that it might last for a few weeks or months, maybe a year or two, but I was really not interested in a long term commitment. I was about 27 before the even faint possibility that a relationship might not end even entered my mind.

Something struck me about your list though:

AnoninDublin wrote: »

-Used me for sex and then started a commited relationship with another women, claiming we were "just ****buddies"

So they are able to commit, just not with you. The thing is that guys do commit, you see it all the time, but that does not mean that they will with anybody or at any time. Age and circumstances are a factor for us, but so is the other person.

So while pretty much all women will find guys will treat them as you have described, they also often find the one's who will stick by them. If you don't then I genuinely would not simply question guys, but yourself. After all, you are the only common variable here.

Why don't you ask two or three of these ex's to be brutally honest as to why? It might simply be because they are not interested in commitment, but if they start pointing at something in you, then there may be truth in it.

Gyalist

What's your relationship with your father like, OP?

Warfi

AnoninDublin wrote: »

- Great until I have sex with him and then I am treated as no more than a booty call when he`s feeling horny, or else dropped all togther.

Why do you accept the booty call when deep down you know he's using you? You can't change men who treat you badly (and to be honest, I feel that as*hole men are few and far between), what you can do is change how you respond to them.
Look at the overall way a man treats you.....if you think about him, and you feel happy, then you're in a good relationship. If you think of him, and the only thoughts you have are 'When's he going to ring?', 'Why did he do that?', 'He promised to meet me and he didn't', well then the relationship isn't going down a good path and will only end in tears.
You've had a bad run, take time out to look after yourself and do the things you enjoy (don't take it out on the men whatever you do!!).
Good luck

Ickle Magoo

Well, OP. Unless you happen to be one of the handful of people who walk straight into a relationship for life then I imagine pretty much everyone else, male & female, could list the failed relationships they have been in & the reasons behind the failure.

You seem to lay the blame squarely at the feet of your ex's but there are several examples you give ie continually lying to you or treating you like booty call, that you are equally, if not more responsible for. You are better off without people who don't treat you well, I wouldn't be upset about it. Just chalk it up as experience & move on.

The bottom line is you cannot change how other people act, you can only change how you react to them - instead of investing so heavily in relationships to the point that you now hate men, why not take things slow & at the first sign of YOU not being happy, leave. I also think you have to have a more realistic view of how people find their partners, you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince (or princess) & all that!

Pete4779

AnoninDublin wrote: »

Every man I have ever been involved with has done one of the following:
-Been very loving , attentive in the beginning and then backed off totally, lost all interest in me as a person and made it very obvious that I am relativly unimportant to him....

Have you done anything to maintain his attraction for you beyond the initial physical attraction? A man will go for a woman initially with some basis on physical attraction. Once that peters out, then there needs to be some more emotional development to maintain the relationship.

Perhaps at that stage, the men you have met have not found you "emotionally" attractive. A lot fo your stated problems are around the sexual part of the initial relationship; perhaps that is what the problem revolves around. Maybe you should look for men that do not want to go for sex so quickly? Seems like the obvious answer. However, if you are trying to improve the emotional bond and friendship by having sex soon, the man will probably learn that that is what you want.

Likewise, your solution to the problem is not to try and improve your early relationship interactions - excluding sex - and instead you have decided that a man will want to supply you with some sperm and then you will just do one-night stands to "satisfy" yourself in that department. It's unlikely to work and will likely make you intensely unhappy IMHO. That would make 90% of people unhappy.

So, take a break from your social circle and how people have learned to interact wit each other. It's likely that you need to take the sex pressure off, and start making friends with a man first to allow an actual relationship develop.

Pete4779

ME TOO! wrote: »

I'm also independent and many men want women they can rescue and protect.

The sex and the city attitude is common in Ireland. I would bet if you played up a little of the "rescue and protect" role you'd find that the guy would respond to it. Believe it or not, men and women are different. A woman that thinks and acts like a man is unlikely to be able to develop a mature heterosexual relationship unless the man is particularly suited to relationships with women who are "intellectual, smart, intelligent and " independently resoruceful. Those are characteristics of a successful man, circa 10000 BC.

Your identified traits of what is an attractive woman from a man's perspective is probably entirely skewed by the last 20 years.

dudara

You do realise that tarring all men with the same brush is going to acheive nothing except drive you deeper into that pit of loathing.

Stop trying to find a man - learn to enjoy your own company and do your own thing. I'm getting tired of hearing these "jerked around" complaints from a lot of women - no one lets you be "jerked around" other than yourself. (BTW, I had to laugh when an 18 year old relative told me about her new bf and how he was the first man who didn't jerk her aound - WTF?)

For instance, think twice about sleeping with someone, even as f*ck buddies. Having sex is emotional, no matter how much you try to downplay it. Therefore think about how you want to approach it. It's fine if you have no expectations from it, but you clearly did, hence the letdown feeling.

Men are men, they will always have a fair proportion of their brain devoted to sex. That's the way they are. Yet despite that, *surprisingly*a fair percentage of them manage to become husbands, boyfriends and fathers. So they're clearly able to mature.

Sex and the City is to blame for a lot of misguided independent attitudes.

Warfi

dudara wrote: »

Sex and the City is to blame for a lot of misguided independent attitudes.

Or maybe it's just the way people respond to the programme? It's entertainment (and damn good entertainment at that : ), shouldn't be taken seriously.

The Corinthian

Warfi wrote: »

Or maybe it's just the way people respond to the programme? It's entertainment (and damn good entertainment at that : ), shouldn't be taken seriously.

It shouldn't but on a subconscious level I suspect it is. The problem with it, in my view, is that it sells a composite lifestyle. People may identify with one or another of the protagonists more, but ultimately they like this about one and that about another, never considering that those qualities are incompatible with each other.

One may like the power career of the lawyer and the free sexuality of Samantha or the ditzy 'save me' vulnerability of Carrie or the fourth one's traditional family, but you can't have all four in the same person. But it doesn't stop some women expecting all of these in one package and then becoming very disillusioned when they cannot have it.

It's like a man who wants to be both a traditional family patriarch (and have the woman do the housework) and progressive who wants his partner to be financially independent (and pay her own way). You can't have your cake and eat it, I'm afraid.

Warfi

The Corinthian wrote: »

It shouldn't but on a subconscious level I suspect it is. The problem with it, in my view, is that it sells a composite lifestyle. People may identify with one or another of the protagonists more, but ultimately they like this about one and that about another, never considering that those qualities are incompatible with each other.

One may like the power career of the lawyer and the free sexuality of Samantha or the ditzy 'save me' vulnerability of Carrie or the fourth one's traditional family, but you can't have all four in the same person. But it doesn't stop some women expecting all of these in one package and then becoming very disillusioned when they cannot have it.

It's like a man who wants to be both a traditional family patriarch (and have the woman do the housework) and progressive who wants his partner to be financially independent (and pay her own way). You can't have your cake and eat it, I'm afraid.

How is watching a tv programme (a comedy) connected to having your cake and eating it? If a man wants a woman to do all the work in the house after working a full day, that's his prerogative. I couldn't care less what a man wants as long as it's not impinging on my life and my values.

The Corinthian

Warfi wrote: »

How is watching a tv programme (a comedy) connected to having your cake and eating it?

Because the media is an influence, even subconscious, on everyone's lives and if the message it sends out is negative or conflicting, this will be reflected in our future exceptions. In this Sex and the City is a classic example of a lifestyle program and 'sells' a composite of often conflicting lifestyles though it's use of very different protagonists.

If a man wants a woman to do all the work in the house after working a full day, that's his prerogative. I couldn't care less what a man wants as long as it's not impinging on my life and my values.

You missed the point. I only gave the example of a man to point out that such attitudes are not limited to women. If you have conflicting 'cake and eat it' attitudes to relationships, then you will find it very difficult to have a successful one - indeed, you would not want the aforementioned man to impinge on your life and your values and thus would not be in a relationship with him (I'm assuming you're a woman). Actually, if you think that a relationship will not impinge on your life and your values, then you're on a loser unless you expect to only impinge on their life and their values.

In the same way, a woman who sends out conflicting expectations will not have much luck either.

Not sure if this is relevant to the OP though.

opinion guy

ME TOO! wrote: »

I've been doing the no strings sex thing for the past three years (not one night stands but I've had two regulars over that period of time). I got to a point with each of them that I hated them as well. I suppose I eventually resented the fact that they never became attached to me (even though I wasn't emotionally attached to them) and also how they spoke about women in general. I found out that one of them would f9ck anything and everything that moved and that he spoke really disparagingly of women.

Um, don't you think your logic is a bit off here. You met these guys for no strings text and then you get angry that that's what you got ?

AnoninDublin wrote: »

Hi there,
Just lookin for some insight on this. Going anon for obvious reasons. I`m 26 years old and up until this point have always felt that I would like to find a man who I could spend the rest of my life with, marry etc. Until now that is.
Now for the first time in my life I have reached a point where I honestly no longer care. I have no interest in a relationship at all. I`ve decided that if I want kids in the future I will simply pick out a decent man who also wants a child to be a co-parent as such, without me actually being involved emtionally with him as a partner.
The thing is this: I no longer like men. In fact I would go as far as saying I actually DISLIKE them and could not see myself being able to put my heart on the line for another man ever again as long as I live. I have always had a strong sex drive, and now I think that it would be enough for me to maintain a few regular hook-ups for no strings sex so that my sexual needs could be satisfied without getting myself involved with a man emotionally.
My reasons for this mental turnaround? Ok, here goes:
Every man I have ever been involved with has done one of the following:
-Been very loving , attentive in the beginning and then backed off totally, lost all interest in me as a person and made it very obvious that I am relativly unimportant to him
-Cheated on me or at the very least lied about his contact with other women to the point of losing my trust
-Chased me relentlessly until I returned the interest and then completly dropped me and acted as though I was some sort of stalker( ie he may have sent me 7 texts a day and called twice daily and yet if I send one or two text messages of my own accord Im supposedly "clingy")
-Used me for sex and then started a commited relationship with another women, claiming we were "just ****buddies"
-Been either verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
-Afraid of commitment in general
- Great until I have sex with him and then I am treated as no more than a booty call when he`s feeling horny, or else dropped all togther.

The scary thing is that most women I have spoken to have had the same experiences with men and I actually dont know of ONE relationship in which the male partner has not done on of the following.
Not saying women are perfect, but I can only speak from the perspective of a hetrosexual female seeing as thats what I am.

I guess I just see no point in putting myself through having my heart broken again and again when the guy involved is more than likely just going to promise me the sun moon and stars on minute and then drop me for another woman, cheat on me, or simply decide that hes bored with me and want "variety". I can live without that **** in my life thank you.

So I guess Im looking for advice here. I mean it when I say this: I intensly dislike men. I would like to get over this feeling but I cant seem to. Unless I can get past this I will never be able to build that relationship/family that I originally wanted but then again, I just dont see the point.

Both female and male views are welcomed on thsi one: ever completly gone off the opposite sex? And if so, how long did this phase last?.......

OP I've been going thru a phase of feeling that all women are selfish, self-involved creatures. So yeah this kind of thing cuts both ways. But what strikes me about your post is that it seems like a selection process thing. Can i ask - where do you tend to meet these guys ? Also, as to your friends experiences - where do they meet these guys ? Hmmm basically what i'm wondering is are you and you're group meeting these guys out on random pub/club nights and hooking up with random guys. Cos personally i think thats a terrible way to meet people. anyhow - just curious

G-Money

Sorry to hear that you's have such bad opinions of men. I guess you maybe have to look at the type of guys you are going after. Are there obvious warning signs they're giving off that you ignore?

Maybe you've just been incredibly unlucky, it's hard to know.

I know some girls insist on going for bad boys and I have to be blunt here, in those situations, I've absolutely no sympathy for the girl if she gets treated badly and he dumps her. It's not like there was ever going to be any other outcome. I'm not saying you are one of those, but there are those types of girls around.

I'm not sure how you can change your opinion OP, but your opinions sound quite entrenched and I'm wondering if you are actually willing to change your mindset? Basically, is this something you're going to stick to for the rest of your life? Are you even willing to be convinced otherwise or are you happy to just hate men forever?

I can only imagine the responses there would be if a guy posted on here saying he hated all women. I'm sure many people would respond saying that he'd never be happy with one as long as he had that attitude.

I think you will have a hard time meeting a guy you like if you have a constant hatred towards men.

Darthhoob

i know where you are coming from OP i felt exactly the same until i met my OH. every relationship i had previously was, quite frankly, poisonous. i had low self esteem to begin with and these relationships made it worse. for same reasons you pretty much listed. after one boyfriend left me during the night (we lived together) and traveled 200 miles to be with some woman he never met....i have to say i completely went off men relationship wise. that was the last draw.

so i thought

i had intended to stay single for the rest of my life! i was getting back on my feet and enjoying a single life, being in charge....looking after me and my then 18 month old son. but literally 4 months after the last boyfriend left me i 'bumped' into my OH online. we were just friends at first and he felt the same (i think...he certainly was never crude or indicated he was after sex or relationship). he was in a similar place to me. been hurt alot by women, was accepting a life of singledom. he was 10 years older than me but we became quite close friends...as close as online as you can get anyway lol.
then we decided to meet, just for a christmas drink (was 7th december) with my friends at the local. when we met we immediately fancied eachother and a few days later decided to start a relationship....2 months later he moved in (quick i know! lol)....now...7 years later..we still together and happier than we were then!

he had completely changed my old distorted view on men. not all men are arseholes...in fact actually i think MOST of them are not most are decent...as are women. but i thik, personally, it was MY self esteem issues and my 'desperation' for a relationship that was more the problem. (i was never single for more than a few weeks...went looking for the next almost immediately). although 4 months isn't a long time, the point was i wasn't looking for Mr Right when i found him!

sorry for waffling. what i'm trying to say is i think it's a very common problem you are having. but most women settle down with Mr Right in the end....cos they DO exist. i think you just need to not look so hard, be yourself, dont take any ****...and when something is bothering you....talk to eachother.

me and the OH have many discussions...but never argue....snap maybe when tired and/stressed but never go to sleep on a bad feeling.

Moomoo1

OP, look at this statistically. There are a lot of men out there who form stable relationships, do not cheat and do not lie. Millions and millions of them. Then how come you and your friends never found them? Could it be that you are the problem and not the men? Could it be that the guys who are the long-term reliable material are the sort of guys you'd never even consider going out with, and that you go for alpha-males who then treat you like alpha-males would?

Overheal

My first impression upon reading your OP is that your Big Goal in life is to make babies and grow old with somebody, which is as great a long term ambition. But it sounds as though youre encountering every guy you engage with and trying to go straight to finish. Never really taking the time to wonder if youre both ready for that sort of commitment. That kind of understanding takes years to accomplish and no guy I know is truly looking that far ahead when they enter a relationship.

I will never be able to build that relationship/family that I originally wanted but then again, I just dont see the point.

If all there was to life was raising 2.5 ungrateful savages into adulthood I would probably just kill myself right now! Ask yourself are you really taking the time to just enjoy the company of another person? Pursue your interests? Travel? Read? Eat? Sleep? Or, are you constantly putting yourself under the gun; that the End Result of Any Relationship you enter into has to be a family or its not worth it? I think thats something you need to ask yourself. Theres so much more to relationships than being a Mommy and a Daddy.

krudler

OP everything that you listed as bad things that men do apply equally to women as well, I've been with girls who are controlling, manipulative, bitchy, petty, clingy, complete game playing headwreckers and such, but i dont hate all women, i fact i love them, but they're just an odd bunch at times Maybe you should look for someone who may not be your type, as someone already said if youre going for alpa male bad boy types then you reap what you sow

abceire

i am a man OP and never done any of the things on your list,there are alot of not so great guys out there,but there are some great guys too, i do think the guys who get more lady attention can be the more sleazy guys, were as the nice guys who might be lil shy etc are over looked in a bar or what ever ,i d kinda suggest looking in different place,

AnoninDublin

AnoninDublin wrote: »

Hi there,
Just lookin for some insight on this. Going anon for obvious reasons. I`m 26 years old and up until this point have always felt that I would like to find a man who I could spend the rest of my life with, marry etc. Until now that is.
Now for the first time in my life I have reached a point where I honestly no longer care. I have no interest in a relationship at all. I`ve decided that if I want kids in the future I will simply pick out a decent man who also wants a child to be a co-parent as such, without me actually being involved emtionally with him as a partner.
The thing is this: I no longer like men. In fact I would go as far as saying I actually DISLIKE them and could not see myself being able to put my heart on the line for another man ever again as long as I live. I have always had a strong sex drive, and now I think that it would be enough for me to maintain a few regular hook-ups for no strings sex so that my sexual needs could be satisfied without getting myself involved with a man emotionally.
My reasons for this mental turnaround? Ok, here goes:
Every man I have ever been involved with has done one of the following:
-Been very loving , attentive in the beginning and then backed off totally, lost all interest in me as a person and made it very obvious that I am relativly unimportant to him
-Cheated on me or at the very least lied about his contact with other women to the point of losing my trust
-Chased me relentlessly until I returned the interest and then completly dropped me and acted as though I was some sort of stalker( ie he may have sent me 7 texts a day and called twice daily and yet if I send one or two text messages of my own accord Im supposedly "clingy")
-Used me for sex and then started a commited relationship with another women, claiming we were "just ****buddies"
-Been either verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
-Afraid of commitment in general
- Great until I have sex with him and then I am treated as no more than a booty call when he`s feeling horny, or else dropped all togther.

The scary thing is that most women I have spoken to have had the same experiences with men and I actually dont know of ONE relationship in which the male partner has not done on of the following.
Not saying women are perfect, but I can only speak from the perspective of a hetrosexual female seeing as thats what I am.

I guess I just see no point in putting myself through having my heart broken again and again when the guy involved is more than likely just going to promise me the sun moon and stars on minute and then drop me for another woman, cheat on me, or simply decide that hes bored with me and want "variety". I can live without that **** in my life thank you.

So I guess Im looking for advice here. I mean it when I say this: I intensly dislike men. I would like to get over this feeling but I cant seem to. Unless I can get past this I will never be able to build that relationship/family that I originally wanted but then again, I just dont see the point.

Both female and male views are welcomed on thsi one: ever completly gone off the opposite sex? And if so, how long did this phase last?.......

i often gave up on women for similar reasons as yourself, their arrogance, shallowness, immaturity, bitchiness, moodiness, mind games, and just generally wrecking my head. however, i have not given up on meeting someone and having a family as there is good women out there. i was in a relationship until Oct when it ended. i still have great regard for the girl, and i know that although there is one girl out there who'll always make your heart beat that little bit faster, that overall no one is perfect. what i hate is the unbelievable bitterness and grudges women hold against good decent men who've taken the time to show an interest in them. as well as that the idiot women fall into the trap of thinking that a guy with a bit of devilment about him is more exciting. they are no different to a normal decent guy apart from the fact they will shaft you every time.

sarmer

Hi OP I can totally relate to this! I go through phases where I dislike men and just think it's just not worth the hassle. I, like many women,have been messed around. And I've also heard so many countless stories of nice girls having horrible guys mess them around, cheating etc and most of the time they never even hear about it. Saying that though, I do think that there are nice guys out there, you just have to find them. I have about 3 close friends who are in serious relationships with lovely guys who adore them.

I'm very careful about who I get involved with now. I had a couple of bad experiences, so now I won't even date a guy who doesn't appear to be a VERY nice guy on first impressions. I used to go for the flirty player types but now I go for the really nice, respectful ones. I've had a couple of brief relationships recently and even though they didn't last, they didn't end badly.

I think a lot of girls go for the bad boys but they aren't relationship material. You need to actively search for the nice guys who will treat you with respect. I know it seems like they don't exist but there are a few out there!

extrinzic

So you found out that people aren't like they pretend to be.. You found out unpleasant things about people you perceived to be decent.. You found out that you cannot trust yourself to see everything beforehand, and have got hurt so bad you figure it ain't worth the risk... You found out a thing or two about yourself that cracked the mirror on the wall. I know, I know, it sucks. But you know what, anybody who isn't in love with you expects you to be flawed. Anybody you don't love you perceive to be flawed. Love is an intoxication, and you cant drive responsibly if your pissed. Take a deep breath, and taste sobriety. Because try as we might, we have this unfortunate habit of falling in love with the next drunk we meet. Enjoy your own company, it's probably better that most of the disappointments I've had the misfortune to waste my time with. Once a lover, always a lover... You never know when you'll come tumbling off the wagon and make all the same mistakes all over again.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I'm a 33 year old woman and feel exactly the same way you do. I've been lied to and cheated on by every man I've been involved with and so I made the decision a while back never to get involved with a man again. I'm sad that I'll never have kids, but at least there will be no more bullsh*t to deal with. Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

The Recliner

Amy33 wrote: »

Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

Whilst I sympathise with your past bad experiences they quoted part above is utter horsesh!t

Generalisations do no-one any good

Men cheat and women cheat, whilst a higher proportion of men cheat it is unfair and incorrect to say that all men cheat

As far as the OP and yourself are concerned I wouldn't give up hope, there are good people out there, you may just need to change where you look or what your selection crtiteria are

cruizer101

Amy33 wrote: »

Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

How dare you make such a bull**** statement.

There are plenty of men out there who would never dream of cheating, just because a small number do, doesn't mean you can tar us all with the same brush.

OP I feel sorry for you, however if you are really looking for a commited long term relationship maybe you need to stop just having f-buddies.

I'm not making any assumptions here but next time you meet a guy you like, and I'm thinking not in a pub or at least not a club anyway, hold off on the sex for a bit, that should get rid of any who are just after the sex.

Taltos

The Recliner wrote: »

As far as the OP and yourself are concerned I wouldn't give up hope, there are good people out there, you may just need to change where you look or what your selection crtiteria are

Have to disagree with this.
While the original poster and the OP continue to blame ALL men and take no responsibility in their choices / role in the relationships yes all men will cheat. More than likely because as all the others have said you keep going for the same type / flavour.

Also with an attitude like this - what decent man would want to be involved with you? I am not attacking you here - but no-one wants to spend time on damaged goods whose only view is effectively all men are scum.

Strongly recommend you take some time for yourselves. Stay out of relationships. Get to know yourselves better and learn to be happy in yourself without the validation of a man. When the time is right - and you meet the right guy it will happen - but only if you have an attitude that lets it happen.
Carrying on like this will send out all the wrong signals and will probably attract the type of man you want the least - as they can tell immediately you are not there for the long haul and they can just have some fun with you and faff off.

Grrr... On a personal note - being married and faithful for quite a long time I consider generalities such as yours to be ill-informed and the trademark of an i****. (don't want to get banned here - but want to be clear of my annoyance).

Xterminator

Amy33 wrote: »

Hi op, I'm a 33 year old woman and feel exactly the same way you do. I've been lied to and cheated on by every man I've been involved with and so I made the decision a while back never to get involved with a man again. I'm sad that I'll never have kids, but at least there will be no more bullsh*t to deal with. Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

all men are the same .... all blacks are the same ..... all jews are the same ....

Amy, none of the above sentences are acceptable, and all are based on assumptions.

The Corinthian

Amy33 wrote: »

Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

Not true, in reality. Some do, some don't. I'd even go so far as to say that some do when in relationships with one woman and never when with another.

I'm afraid that you may have to look more closely at the unpleasant truth that hides behind the fact that all the men in your life have had only one thing in common. You.

G-Money

Amy33 wrote: »

Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

I resent this baseless accusation. It's like me saying all women are gold diggers that do your head in. You mean to say there's not one guy in the whole history of the universe who hasn't cheated?

Well I'm a guy and I've never cheated on a girl and I wouldn't either. I think it's wrong on so many levels and I wouldn't tolerate it from a girl for even a millisecond.

OP, I hope things start to work out for you. As others have said, look at the type of men you are choosing. Are you delibrately going for guys that are likely to be trouble and are you unwilling or unable to see warning signs that would deter others?

You only need to look at some of the replies to this thread to know that not all men are cheaters. However it's a bit like the situation with the Catholic church at the moment. A small handful of bad apples are giving them all a bad name.

thedeadpoet

You "hate" men?

I really disike women like you. You will never find even a half decent man with a disgustingly shallow attitude like that. I suggest you change your outlook or you will undoubtedly find yourself alone for the remainder of your miserable existence.

@Amy: I am a man and I have never cheated on any of my partners. Unsubstantiated theory debunked.

:rolleyes:

Wibbs

The Recliner wrote: »

Men cheat and women cheat, whilst a higher proportion of men cheat it is unfair and incorrect to say that all men cheat

+1 I'd even say this notion that more men cheat than women a dubious notion, if an oft repeated one.

In my experience I would say under the age of 30 I've seen and known many more women than men who cheated on long term partners(I've even been the guy they cheated with). Emotional cheating and overlap relationships IMHO are far more a woman thing for a start. In most cases the guys involved never found out. I knew as I was either a close mate or as I said the "other guy".

I'd say IME well over half of the women I've known had cheated or pulled some fast one or other when dating in their 20's. Less than 1 in 4 of the men I've known have(they seem to wait until they're older and the 1 in 4 couldn't keep it in their pants). I've never cheated on a woman, but of my long termers all but one cheated on me. Mostly the "it's over but I dont have the guts to say it, so Ill cop off with someone else to figure out how I feel" variety. :rolleyes: Though sometimes if was the affair types too.

So based on just my experience and my viewpoint if you had asked me at say 30, do you trust women? I'll be honest and admit I would have said, not really, no. Not until proven otherwise. If you had asked me did I think women were emotionally reliable? I would have again said no, not really.

Now I look back and while I can see why I thought that and indeed had fairly good reason to, I realise that I was judging one by all or some. That's daft basically and I was daft. Even if I had been correct and over half of all women cheat, I would still be dismissing the half that didn't. I was also projecting and selecting a group of people and gleaning my viewpoint from that. Again daft.

Now I figure I dont really care if 90% are witless muppets(and they're not), I would be looking for the 10% that aren't. They do exist and there are a lot of them. In either gender.

cantankerous

ME TOO! wrote: »

I don't think I ever want to go near a man again. All I see are shallow human beings - who only care firstly about what the girl looks like on their arm and what their friends might think of her. They don't value a girl's individuality - instead want cookie cutters.

Just a thought, what sort of men do you go after?

would you avoid guys based on what more shallow friends would think e.g "geek", "loser" etc.
If he had a certain dress sense/hairstyle would it turn you off?
If he had certain interests would it turn you off (rock music, science/other geeky things etc.)?
If he belonged to a certain culture would it turn you off (too much of a nerd, too much of a bogger, too posh, too working class etc.)
If he a certain job or earned certain amounts of money would it turn you off?

See I don't think women are any better than men for this sort of thing. The only difference is women seem quicker to play the "victim" card. "Oh look at me. I only date jerks". Perhaps if you were a bit less shallow yourself and eased up on your own rules (not saying throw them out entirely) you'd find a more loving guy who'd appreciate you for who you are.

Chances are that any guy who checks all your boxes is a faker with no real personality or individuality himself. How can you expect him of all people to apreciate yours?

seahorse

Amy33 wrote: »

Hi op, I'm a 33 year old woman and feel exactly the same way you do. I've been lied to and cheated on by every man I've been involved with and so I made the decision a while back never to get involved with a man again. I'm sad that I'll never have kids, but at least there will be no more bullsh*t to deal with. Believe me, no matter what's at home ALL men cheat.

Well I'm a thirty-three year old woman too, but thankfully I haven't let the less savory experiences I've had in life taint my view of men, and I'd be willing to bet I've seen a darker side to men than you have Amy33. As for "no matter what's at home ALL men cheat" that's clearly a very embittered view. Thankfully it's also a very false one.

OP, I think you should take the advice already posted about taking sex out of the equation. It’d weed out those only after your body, and that’s a good start. Let them move on to some other woman who’ll sleep with them and then sit there scratcing her head wondering why nothing but sex ever comes of it! There’s a lot of sense in that old saying: ‘Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free!’