Not so Mr Perfect...

LegacyUser

Hey all, have been together with my boyfriend for 7 months now we're both in our early 20's and very much in love. We just go so well together, we're basically that annoying type of couple that makes everyone sick lol. He's the most caring considerate and loving guy I've ever met and I can't picture being with anyone else being honest. I've had my fair share of serious relationships, but have never felt this way about anyone and never thought I could!

So here's the problem... we know each others facebook passwords and two nights ago out of curiosity while I logged in his and went to feed his fish(dont laugh :P), I clicked on inbox, I didnt go through his mail just glaced at the first page and spotted a strange mail from a girl I didnt know around Halloween. So I read the mail, it went a lil something like this..

Him: Really beautiful, sorry, just had to say it.
Her: Dont be sorry, thanks! appreciate the compliment
Him: Im glad you appreciate it x
Her(the next day): Sure why wouldn't i! hardly going to slap ya cross the face for saying something nice am i lol x

This guy has promised me the world, treats me soo well and tells me constantly that I'm the only one for him (even spoke of engagement/our future etc) he calls me beautiful everyday yet that night he just had to say it to a girl he doesn't even know. Worse thing was it was 5am after a great night out(he was kinda drunk) on my laptop, in my sittingroom surrounded by me and my friends that he decided to do this.
I confronted him about it to his face when i found out. He wasn't even mad that I looked at his mail, he said he was glad that I saw it and he felt so guilty about it when he saw it himself the day after.

Now I do suffer from some Depression/insecurities and Im going through a very hard time at the moment, so that could be why I'm taking this so hard.
I know some of you will say it could have been a whole lot worse after reading this and that is so true, but this has rocked my little world and my so called perfect relationship I thought we had. I feel so hurt, I honestly thought he was the last guy to ever do that to me. His family was broken up from cheating and he was cheated on himself. Not saying he cheated but it's slightly along that path.
Im basically here to get some advice on how to get over this or hear from other people with similer issues and how they worked out, did they get their happy ever after ending? I dont want to loose him but I feel this has tarnished things for me big time, I feel cheapened and not good enough for him. I'm an extremely loyal person and thought I hit the jackpot in that sense with my boyfriend. I felt weird when I hugged and kissed him after it, I don't want to lose him though. I know he ****ed up, it was something small but will I ever be able to build a feckin bridge and get over it!?

Sorry if this all sounds really pathetic but could really do with some advice

magneticimpulse

In a way, its just an email. You have no proof that he has done anything else besides this little compliment to a girl. The nice thing is, neither of you seemed to have gotten into a big fight over it. You would have to look in his overall behaviour. Some guys can be really nice and chatty to lots of girls in a friendly way and this can seem like they are chatting them up.

I would let this rest and not get worried. See how things pan out over time and then you can make a clear choice. You cannot be smothering or controlling, your boyfriends needs his privacy and freedom at same time.

LegacyUser

I totally get what you're saying. That was the first time I actually ever checked up on any of my boyfriends, I was in the wrong too and I know that. He's not the type of guy to be overly friendly to other girls and to say any stuff like that. He barely knew this girl, she added him.
I know he hasn't cheated on me I trust him that much, the problem is I feel it has tarnished things between us and I can't look at him the same way but I really want that to pass.
I kinda feel a bit embarressed about it, feel like I'm making a big deal out of it almost, but can't get rid of the sick feeling it has given me.

Thanks for your response

magneticimpulse

Yeah I know that sick feeling. Its like your heartbeat is slowed down and you can feel each pump when you read something like that. I found my ex with an email to a girl and it said "pity we didnt hook up as i really liked you". I really threw a fit when I saw that. So I am happy you were much more calm about it than i was.

Gyalist

There are no such things as Mr. Perfect or the perfect relationship. If you think so, you are putting huge expectations on your boyfriend and you are bound to be disappointed. You are not perfect so there is no reason to think that your boyfriend is. The sooner you disabuse yourself of such notions, the happier you will be.

So he flirted with someone else on Facebook while he was drunk! So what? Being in a relationship doesn't make him blind to other women. His mistake was to tell you that he felt guilty when you "confronted" him about it. There was nothing for you to confront him about or for him to feel guilty about.

You seem willing to ignore his actions (your admittedly good treatment from him) to focus on harmless words. Telling someone that they are beautiful is not remotely on the path to cheating.

Ask your boyfriend to change his password and not tell you what it is and you really ought to do the same. Even in a relationship, both partners should have an expectation of privacy.

To magneticimpulse:
You seem incapable of viewing anyone else's questions except through the prism of your last failed relationship. For your own sake maybe you should consider taking a 24/48 hour break from reading/posting in this part of boards. It would do you a world of good.

G-Money

I can understand why you didn't like that OP, but if that's all he's done, then I don't think it's a big deal. It's not like he cheated, he just told a girl she was beautiful. By the sounds of it, he did it when he was drunk as well. We all do stupid stuff when we're drunk, I know I have. I'm sure you've chatted to other guys since you got together and perhaps even flirted with them?

Even if you hadn't, him saying that to some other girl when drunk is no big deal. Like someone said, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Although when I think about it, the perfect relationship is when you enjoy the good times together and also can get past the bad.

I think this is pretty minor OP, so stop worrying.

I'd also recommend not reading his emails and messages. I've seen several posts on here, mostly from girls, who've read their boyfriends emails and they get all upset and worked up over stuff they've read. Even if the guy was faithful to them the whole time. If you start reading his emails, chances are you will see something you don't like and will blow it out of all proportion.

And one other thing. A bit of jealousy and possessiveness in a girl is really really sexy to most guys. At least it is to me. Just make sure you keep yours rained in and you will be grand

All the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Well I know hes not really perfect like and neither am I but he felt perfect for me. It just feels like he betrayed my love a lil bit in a sad pathetic way.

So many dumb questions are goin through my mind 'why would he do it when I was in plain view in the room' 'if it happened once who's to say it won't happen again but worse', last thing I need is for that to happen once we get more serious!
I know it was so small really like but why do I feel like **** over it?

I actually begged him to change his password, but he said he wouldn't, he seems to think its ok for partners to have that power to check emails and whatnot for peace of mind and that we're only human, anyone would have done it which I dont agree with.

Zaph

Gyalist wrote: »

To magneticimpulse:
You seem incapable of viewing anyone else's questions except through the prism of your last failed relationship. For your own sake maybe you should consider taking a 24/48 hour break from reading/posting in this part of boards. It would do you a world of good.

Infracted for back seat modding

doodle bug

I totally understand what you are on about...even though you know yourself it is not a big deal you cant help but think it is huge. From my experience it isnt. Men often compliment girl to make themselves feel good because the girl is instantly made to feel like they are liked and so compliment the man back...it sounds like you have a really good guy but remember even the best of us arent perfect so try cut him a little slack!! He didnt mind you goin on his page and readin his messages which shows he has nothing to hide.

LegacyUser

I know you're right! Just thought that would have been the last thing he'd ever do to me! The fact he lied blatantly to my face stings a bit, he also said she added him, I think this is another lie too even though he swore that was the first and only time he apparently has ever lied to me. Just can't help feeling this is a warning sign of things to come! I'm so disappointed in him.

Little update, I was texting him last night and told him about a mail some random guy sent me a month ago, it completely innocent, we we're talking about games we played but he called me beautiful at one stage, I asked him not to do that as only my fella does!
Just wanted to show him how much those words ment to me. Anyways my boyfriend went nuts.. I didn't realise he was very drunk at the time, basically made out I was as bad as him for not telling him.. turned into a stupid messy fight. Feeling a little more hurt, he was still annoyed this morning, think he was trying to dump some of his guilt on me. Didnt text me back for like 8 hours, then finally apologised. I'm leaving him hanging for a bit, not sure if thats the correct response but don't know what else to do.
God reading back on all this has made me realise how bloody sensitive I am, there are so many worse of people writing in here... tips on how to not give a sh1te would be most welcome lol!

Really appreciate all the responses! Cheers

K_P

Meh_unregged wrote: »

Didnt text me back for like 8 hours, then finally apologised. I'm leaving him hanging for a bit, not sure if thats the correct response but don't know what else to do.

What you need to do is talk to him face to face. Never mind texting or calling or anything else. Clearly this isn't resolved and will fester and cause bigger problems if you don't address it now.

OP, that must have been a horrible thing to read but it seems to me that the real issue is that's it's shattered the illusion you had of the perfect relationship and the perfect guy. Unfortuantely that was always going to happen - people make mistakes, they slip up, they can act selfishly, they say stupid things and all this is magnified tenfold when people are drunk. If telling a girl she's beautiful is the sum total of his wrongdoings, then you're doing pretty ok.

You say that you can no longer look at him in the same way and you want to go back to how things were. But the way things were was a bit unrealistic, wasn't it? If you thought he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt you or anything wrong, well then that was never going to last. No one can live up to those standards.

Meet up with him as soon as you can. No more silent treatment or game-playing or bringing up the issue in a roundabout way or getting subtle digs at him. He sounds like a decent guy so tell him everything you've told us, find a way to deal with it that you are genuinely happy with and then move on.