He's still in honeymoon phase

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend have been going out just over a year now.

It was really really good the first few months. I felt that there was nobody else for me, that I loved him beyond belief. I was insecure and paranoid about his feelings toward me.
Now I do realise that he loves me, and basically he is pretty obsessed with me.
At the start I was all cuddles and higs an kisses (even though I'm generally not a cuddly person). It is my first serious relationship (and second overall...I'm 19 btw), so it was all pretty new for me really.
Recently though, it seems that I have left this honeymoon period. And he hasn't. And it is definitely causing problems.
He comes across as extremely clingy.
He gets sulky with me if I'm not cuddly with him (even when we're with other people).
He gets paranoid that I don't love him just because I'm not always all lovey dovey.
He tells me about twenty times a day through text that he loves me/I'm the best etc. And I really really need some substantial conversation besides this!
I can't get any sleep because he's constantly curling up to me and putting his arms around me in bed, and gets slightly upset if I suggest we go head to toe in bed.
For a whole week, he was sulking with me everyday i saw him, because he was convinced I was coming to his apartment just because my friends were also there.
Also worth a mention is that he gets jealous anytime I mention an actor etc is good looking. He is always self doubting.

I've told him I don't want to be cuddly in front of other people, and he says that's ok, yet it seems to go right over his head and he's back to doing it. Even worse, he asks my permission. And i find it hard to refuse.
I've told him I can't go on with this immature sulking. I asked him one day specifically not to sulk with me over these things he was presuming I was doing (even though it's his imagination) and he spent the day sulking because I asked him not to!
He's just so childish in how he deals with any criticism. I feel like I cant confront him because I'll be faced with him sulking over it and being comppletely self pitying.
He told me he was paranoid because his last few girlfriends, all started gradually ignoring him and then broke up with him. So now I have to deal with him thinking that I might do that, and must deal with the consequences of their actions.

Recently I've been thinking that if I still feel this way in a few months, and he's till acting like this, that I'm going to break up with him. It's just stressful feeling like I have to live up to this cuddly girl ideal. I know i cant change him, but I really wish that he'd grow up a bit.

Why I said a few months to wait to see if I'll break up with him...is because we're in the same lectures, some of which are very small. And I know he would not take a break up well, and make me feel guilty. I just cant deal with that. I'm not a tough person.
But I just really need a break. I'm longing freedom from this overly 'lovey' relationship.

Moomoo1

some of the things you mention are indeed worth getting upset about, but some are not. Whilst being jealous and wanting to monopolise your time is some way over the top, being cuddly in public and curling up next to you in bed are totally 100% normal. I think that if you had had the strength of feeling for him that you had before, all of those things would delight you, rather than the other way round.

As to what to do, I'd just tell him straight that the way he is acting is not attractive to you, and therefore needs to change. That's what really gets home imho.

sporina

dump him - but be nice about it "this is not working for me etc"... he'll get over it - you need to live... you are not happy with him. sorry for being so blunt but nothing attractive about a needy person

LegacyUser

I know it's normal, but it's excessive cudling, and he gets annoyed if I talk to my friends without constantly giving him attention at the same time, even though he's also friends with them too, so it's not like he should feel left out. I just don't like always being so cuddly and kissing in front of other people.

As regards to cuddling in bed, I think there should be a limit. Like he'll sometimes wake me up to ask me to cuddle him. And it keeps him up too. I mean, it's fine, but when I'm losing sleep over it because it's just too physical, it's a different matter.

Moomoo1

sporina wrote: »

dump him - but be nice about it "this is not working for me etc"... he'll get over it - you need to live... you are not happy with him. sorry for being so blunt but nothing attractive about a needy person

I disagree- any guy with half a brain can tell that "this is not working for me etc" is not an honest answer. If you have to dump him, tell him exactly why you dumped him.

muboop1

Moomoo1 wrote: »

being cuddly in public and curling up next to you in bed are totally 100% normal. I think that if you had had the strength of feeling for him that you had before, all of those things would delight you, rather than the other way round.

Cuddling up to you in private or at night yeh. In public... NO! some people are private in what they do. Some people are uncomfortable to act certain ways in public, not because there is anything wrong with it per say, just not necessary!

Do not think my gf would be ok being all lovey dovey in public, yet in private she adores it!

Different strokes to different folks!

Btw... I find the head to toe thing bizzare. If you cant sleep in cuddled position(I've heard of it happening... some people feel they need their space or whater) but head to toe... It's very damn impersonal. I'd rather be at home in my own bed then head to toe with the gf in mine or hers....

RealistSpy

It seems like you don't like this guy anymore. So stop wasting your time or his time, you need to end it.

GL

Moomoo1

Not sure wrote: »

I know it's normal, but it's excessive cudling, and he gets annoyed if I talk to my friends without constantly giving him attention at the same time, even though he's also friends with them too, so it's not like he should feel left out. I just don't like always being so cuddly and kissing in front of other people.

As regards to cuddling in bed, I think there should be a limit. Like he'll sometimes wake me up to ask me to cuddle him. And it keeps him up too. I mean, it's fine, but when I'm losing sleep over it because it's just too physical, it's a different matter.

fair enough - I guess the problem is that you two have different ideas of what's ok and what's not ok in a relationship. Plus, I think that your reaction makes him terribly insecure, and that exhacerbates his clingy behaviour, leading to more bad reaction from you etc.

Anyway, just tell him that you don't find all the things you've mentioned attractive, and that if he wants you to feel attraction for him he should go easy on the lovey-dovey stuff. The important word here is 'attraction'.

LegacyUser

Oh my god OP...are you me?! I'm not even joking, your post is EXACTLY what I'm going through with my bf..(and I'm 19 too lol). I've been through all you've said above - the him getting paranoid that I don't love him, the asking for permission to cuddle, which as you say is so hard to say no to, the sulkiness and self-pity if I do say no or try to talk to him about any of this. The things that's getting to me the most lately though is that lack of substantial conversation like you said. Literally 20-30 times a day he texts saying he loves me which is nice and I tell him i do too yet I try to talk about other things and he just says 'ok' or 'cool', then out of nowhere starts throwing in how much he loves me and misses me. Stuff like that is lovely to hear every so often but half an hour after the last time he told me?! Phone calls go the exact same way too.. He's woken me up before with cuddling too. And like you, when I talk to him about something it goes in one ear and straight out the other. I've said so many times that I'm not really one for kissing and cuddling in public, that it's nothing to do with him it's just the way I am. Yet he continues to do it even in front of my family.

I don't even know what advice I have to give you but I just had to respond to this because you've described my relationship too. Tbh lately I've been seriously considering breaking up with him which breaks my heart because he genuinely is a lovely lovely guy, outside of these problems we get on great and are very compatible. I just keep thinking there's something wrong with me..that this stuff shouldn't bother me. But the truth is it does and I don't think I can keep denying it...My friends have even commented that he seems to need me much more than i need or rely on him and when there's that imbalance in a relationship I think it's hard to get around..

Darthhoob

i love my OH VERY much and love hugs with him, esp in bed. but when i am trying to sleep i roll over...i cannot sleep while being hugged, i dont like constantly being hugged esp by suprise and i dont like clinginess. i dont feel like i have a problem with affection, just not all the time and especially when i am trying to sleep...so i totally understand where the OP is coming from on those points. with respect to those points OP you need to tell him and make him understand that it's not that you dont like hugging. you just dont like it constantly. and explain why if you can. for me i think it because i have hypersensitive feeling lol (my sense of touch is stronger than meant to be)....my son seems to have inherited that!

it seems he is really insecure and wants you to CONSTANTLY reinforce your 'love' for him to make him feel better. if he cannot see that or wont see that. then i dont see how this can work ...i mean waking you up to tell you to cuddle him is a HUGE big NO.

sporina

a needy guy - v unattractive - we need MEN! Strong confident men! Who like to cuddle.. in private!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

I'm glad some people understand. It's not that I don't like affection, but too much can be a bit smothering! I mean, the words "I love you" barely mean anything to me anymore because they've been said way too often.
I don't want to break up with him, because he's a lovely guy, and I don't want to hurt him. The thing is, I just can't handle all the cuddling.
I think these feelings of wanting to get out only developed recently...after some drunken comment he made to a friend of mine which really hurt me and I did lose some trust for him over it. I did make a thread on that incident in fact. He told one of my friends he loved her and that noone else compared to her (a week after soberly telling me she was his second favourite). The fact that this happened, and everyday since it HE has been sulking with ME, really bugs me. I got over what he said and let it go, but he is now icking up every little thing i do, turning it around and getting sulky with me.
I'm not dragging him along for no reason, I do love him. I was so in love with him when he wasn't like this and when he wasn't so clingy.
Last year I didnt know many people in college so we hing with his friends, none of which ever really spoke to me. So i'd sit back and just listen, often feelng left out, and never ever brought up that he didnt pay me enough attention, because he was with his friends. Yet, there's a big deal if I pay more attention to my friends than his.
And now, he doesnt hang out with his friends at all because of me...even though I'm always telling him that maybe he should so that they dont think he has abandoned them. I really think he'd be a lot happier if he hung out with his friends more, rather than just me and my friends.

Also, the head to toe sleeping thing...i know it's kinda weird, but in a single bed, it's the easiest way to find some sleep. I don't want to hurt him by doing it, but really, I can't stand being awake all night.

Wagon

sporina wrote: »

a needy guy - v unattractive - we need MEN! Strong confident men! Who like to cuddle.. in private!

...and then start complaining about how he's such a cold bástard and doesn't make you feel loved? Don't worry, we're here to help.

OP, im in some ways like your boyfriend (although i dont text all hours of the day or night and get sulky that often), i do like to be affectionate with the missus. I certainly don't do it with anyone else. It's just a way of showing someone you love them. I also lack confidence too and get a little worried when i get rejected by her. And like your boyfriend, i've had some dodgy relationships in the past where i was treated like ****e and yes, they've left their mark. So i think like your bloke, actions speak louder thant words and when you tell him to piss off he'll just logically assume that things are about to go stale again. It's not really his fault he thinks like that and i can understand where he's coming from completely.

On the other hand you need to be happy too. And yeah just try and relieve his worries that you are still attracted to him and love him. but if you dont really feel like being affectionate to him, even in private and are thinking that this can't go on, then id consider breaking up with him. It's not fair on him really. Are you still attracted to him even?

magneticimpulse

I think its nice not to try and change this guy. My ex was all about sending roses and trying to do nice things. For me it was not natural. He also got offended when I didnt kiss him long enough on new years eve. He knows I have a problem with public displays of affection and that should never have come as suprise. (because my eyes are closed when kissing and i dont know whats happening around me in the public place, that really bugs me, i think its cos people took photos of me snogging guy from work and posted it everywhere). However I regret that I have messed up his feelings in that now he will prob be confused with the next girl which way to behave.

I think you just have to take people as they are. If you dont like it or it bothers you so much. Its better to end things. Dont drag it out because you think he cant handle the break up. He will feel worse if you string him along and dont show him the affection.

Is this the drunken blind folded guy at party? Anyway Im glad you sorted that out if it is. Cant believe its the same guy, sounds totally different

tbh

you're 19, you don't have to settle yet! this guy obviously isn't the guy for you, and thats fine. You really should break up with him - you know that yourself - just be straight with him, tell him the truth - you just don't feel any chemistry - and don't beat yourself up. It'll happen again and you'll probably be on both sides of the equation before you settle down for good.

Moomoo1

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Is this the drunken blind folded guy at party? Anyway Im glad you sorted that out if it is. Cant believe its the same guy, sounds totally different

presumably he was feeling very confident and secure with her before (or successfully put on a front of confidence and security, like many guys do), and now that he feels on really shaky ground, he starts acting like this.

confidence is a funny thing...

LegacyUser

Yep, its the drunken blindfolded incident guy alright.

And it's really since then that he's been getting so sulky with me. After the incident he got offended that i asked for space. I think it's that I asked for some space and barely got any off him (as he kept texting me over the weekend), that just made me feel a bit smothered and made him seem so needy.

I don't want to break up with him...but i feel like if I do, I'll have a weight off my shoulders. Over Christmas I'm hoping that I'll get some time alone and be able to sort thigns out in my head. After that, if I still feel the same way, I'm going to have to end it... See, I'd love to be with him if it werent for all his sulks and clinginess. And if we did break up for a good while and bought grew up some more, I would love to be with him again....but only time will tell i guess. It's just so difficult. I feel so terrible. I know the sooner I end it to better...but right now, I don't know how I feel and don't want to jump to anything too fast that I will regret.

Moomoo1

well, just tell him where you stand and that if he stops being clingy and sulky then there's a future for you. You'd be doing him a service as well as yourself.

the thing people fear the most is the unknown... so if he knows the true state of things, he'd maybe feel more secure.

thermo66

to be blunt he sounds like a pain in the hole!!!

You have told him already that you don't want him all over you all the time and he ignores it so its his problem not yours. Its also dodgy that he never see's his mates anymore but is always with you and yours. You need to have your own life too!!! It would wreck my head if my boyfriend was with me all the time. He needs to keep his friends too or he will regret it.

Him sulking and pouting because you don't want to be mauled all the time is ridiculous. I hate PDA too, you are not weird because of it. I find couples who are all over eachother offensive. At 19 you don't need to deal with it, sounds like you are different types of ppl. Its tricky that you in the same lectures but its not really fair to prolong it on him either. I say dump him!! He does sound the type to not accept it though so you will have to be straight with him and not let him think there's a chance you'll get bk with him.

LegacyUser

I am in a very similar situation, ultimately do people here believe that different types of people can work out long term or are such relationships doomed to failure?

sporina

unreg1 wrote: »

I am in a very similar situation, ultimately do people here believe that different types of people can work out long term or are such relationships doomed to failure?

how do you mean different?
either way its not black and white - they say differences attract but again its not black and white..

depends what the differences are I would say..
and depends on other stuff like where you are in your life and where they are and where you are both going and then there is just that special something..