Phoned ex tonight - What was I thinking?

magneticimpulse

My stomach is turning at what a horrible person I have become. Ive tried to be positive on here. I dont know, with Christmas coming up, I completely lost it today. It was also my last day of counciling today.

So as I mentioned before I was on a break to have space from ex and for me to get professional help. We were meant to meet over Christmas. But knowing him...he told me in the past he could never forgive me for what i did (emailed his friends). So today I emailed his friends, as we were seeing each other and he kept it a secret from them. I felt he was stringing me along. Anyway I emailed his friends to say, oh by the way we were seeing each other and even had a birthday party for him which he didnt invite any of you.

Anyway I felt I couldnt go on as the crazy person contacting his friends and phoned my ex. Well he said prob the response I am going to get from here. He told me there was no way we would meet over Christmas or ever again and to leave him alone and that I was completely destroying him. And that everyone thinks im a pyscho. However why oh why have I acted like a mad crazy woman?

To make things worse, he says I was the one, only I messed up everything by emailing his friends numerous times. I cant believe I caused someone so much pain. But at same time, I cant believe something which started as small escalated into something so big. I really want the strength to never ever contact him again and let him be happy.

How to stop being a crazy pyscho person???

Eve_Dublin

Your post makes no sense?? What do you mean emailing his friends? Sorry, didn't read your last thread...

magneticimpulse

Ok, went on ski holiday. My ex got the flu. He came back from work and took the week off. Just the night before he went back to work, he went out to pub with friends which I had never met before. I was annoyed that I did not know who these people were.

"I emailed work colleague/friend of his, saying ha he is off to the pub. Its well for some having a week's ski holiday and week off work sick"

After this our relationship was rocky. Then I tried to add his housemates to my facebook. Again not a good move. Some time passed by. I still hadnt met any of his friends. So I tried to add them again to facebook. Two accepted which was great. Finally a result. However looking through one of the photo albums I found a photo of him with his arms wrapped around a girl. I also found out that his best mate was dating one of his female friends. They were all out for a housemates leaving do....none of this my boyfriend had ever mentioned. I lost it and emailed his friend to say what was going on? Who are all these people? Who is this girl? I also emailed the girl to say who are you and why are you loved up with my boyfriend in the photo!!

Anyway myself and my OH sorted this out. He explained it was just a friend. I made a complete show of myself. We still met up after this but he didnt tell his friends as he was so embarrassed I had contacted them. However with the long distance it did nothing for our trust. We took a break. I got professional help. However this week, I thought its all been a complete joke, that he would never seriously take me back. I emailed his friends to try to get in contact with him. Then I phoned him tonight. We spoke and basically all of the above he can never forgive me for.

Why did i ruin something which was going ok?? I loved him so much, how did it get so completely out of hand? How could i ever think it was ok to involve his friends in all of this?

LegacyUser

i think you got so wrapped up in this guys life you forgot your own. It was a bit crazy to email his mates and try to add them as friends on facebook. you say today was your last day of counselling. Maybe it shouldnt be. I feel you might have more work to do. Trust me I was a bit the same as you before- im still in counselling which is going good and im starting to see someone new. Keep up with the counselling and take care x

magneticimpulse

well it was actually my councillors suggestion to stop. In fact it was all in French anyway...and I barely speak the language. I went because I really wanted things to work for my ex. After talking to him tonight, I realise there is no hope. He was very very angry. I just cant believe all i wanted was to meet these people and he made out i was the worlds most evil monster. In fact didnt make out....told me over and over again and wished i had slept with someone instead. At least he could have called me worse names

sporina

ok, it seems here that modern methods of communication play a major role in the problems people have with relationships..

I suggest letting the good old fashioned method of trust take precedence over facebook - misinterpreting texts etc..

identify the boundaries...

Das Kitty

OP

You're fully aware that you're doing these things for a reaction and that you shouldn't be but you can't help yourself.

Really you need to talk to another counsellor, I'd get a referral from my GP.

It could very well be too late for you and your most recent bf but for your own sake down the road you need to get to the bottom of why you're compelled to behave like this.

magneticimpulse

i just want to be able to live a normal and happy life. how could i become such a bunny boiler? i was so scared of loosing him that i became possessive and clingy and now lost the best friend and person i loved more in the world. it just doesnt make sense.

i just remembered that i stopped taking 5-HTP, an amino acid used to serotonin. i havnt taken it the past few days and i notice im so down.

the councillor i was seeing said things would only improve for me as soon as i move back home to be with family and friends. however i really cant afford to put people through this horrible treatment. ive tried many times to say it to various GPs, but they dont realise how serious i torment the other person!!!

G-Money

Hmmmm, I'm not sure what to make of the situation, but if it really is over. This is how you need to approach it.

It's ok to feel down about it tonight. We all make mistakes, no-one's perfect. Anyone who comes on here and says they know everything about relationships and never makes a mistake in one, is lying.

So with that said. He's your ex now. That's the way you have to look at it. So it's ok to feel down about it tonight...

BUT

Tomorrow, is day 1 of your recovery and the start of you getting over him.

magneticimpulse

thanks for your replies. ive had so many slip ups and then start the process of trying a fresh start again. its been really difficult to get over him.

ive made so many mistakes in the relationship and ive even made so many mistakes being the "ex". i really didnt want to give him up, loose him whatever and god i hate what i have become because of that. yeah tomorrow is day 1 of recovery.

magneticimpulse

i know i feel sorry for him too. ;( he didnt deserve this

G-Money

The best thing I can say to lift your mood is this:

Things ALWAYS seem worse at night, without fail. No matter what it is, it always seems worse at night. Even if you get up the next morning and the situation hasn't changed, it doesn't seem as bad.

I can tell you're probably going through all sorts in your head right now and it feels like it's going to explode and you don't know what to do. Just try and relax and I can tell you for sure, that things will be better in the morning.

Trust moi

I assume you understood that French

LegacyUser

I know you already know emailing his contacts was a terrible thing to do. So Step 1 of recovery: you know you are NEVER going to do anything like that again (right?)

Try not to be too down on yourself - yes, you have messed up here, but it does take two people to break up a relationship, not just one.

You need to work on distraction. If you feel compelled to interfere with him and his life this way again, call a friend. Have this friend briefed before hand to let you call & talk it out with her whenever you need, and be honest with your friend about your problem. This compulsion is a serious thing, use the resources you have for help.

Sometimes we keep beating our heads against the same brick wall over and over but the message eventually gets through.

Now you have to do something really brave - delete him from your facebook asap. If he wants you he'll find you another way, and you don't need any more facebook headwreck. And remember, nobody can manipulate or bully someone else into wanting them. Its so much sweeter when you are just wanted. Think of this as a learning curve, you sound young, so be glad you've learned this lesson early.

Wibbs

Chucky the tree cop on. If you can't post anything useful, then please don't post. Continue on this line and you'll be taking a break.

*EDIT* on mature recollection, take an infraction for that. Post deleted.

magneticimpulse

i think so too. nobody just comes out and says "you are the one". the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. then runs away because you emailed their friends. yes i did go "public" with stuff and our relationship. but im an open person and dont like to be hidden in the closet. i understand i was wrong, but its very difficult to stay in the corner quite, when he tells you your the one but hides you from his friends. i never met his housemates, his best friend. i met 1 friend who lived in france and another friend twice. i think for dating someone over a year you kinda expect a bit more from relationship?? i reacted in bad way. but i dont think he should be so angry and threats to take it to court.

Moomoo1

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i think so too. nobody just comes out and says "you are the one". the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. then runs away because you emailed their friends. yes i did go "public" with stuff and our relationship. but im an open person and dont like to be hidden in the closet. i understand i was wrong, but its very difficult to stay in the corner quite, when he tells you your the one but hides you from his friends. i never met his housemates, his best friend. i met 1 friend who lived in france and another friend twice. i think for dating someone over a year you kinda expect a bit more from relationship?? i reacted in bad way. but i dont think he should be so angry and threats to take it to court.

seriously, I think he's just trying to twist the knife. File under 'dodged bullets'.

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i think so too. nobody just comes out and says "you are the one". the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. then runs away because you emailed their friends. yes i did go "public" with stuff and our relationship. but im an open person and dont like to be hidden in the closet. i understand i was wrong, but its very difficult to stay in the corner quite, when he tells you your the one but hides you from his friends. i never met his housemates, his best friend. i met 1 friend who lived in france and another friend twice. i think for dating someone over a year you kinda expect a bit more from relationship??

Regardless of how you handled it, IMHO you've spelled out the problem right there. Yes no one who tells you you're the one etc is gonna hide you from their mates and life. Im a very private person, but when I was in love all my mates and my life knew about it and was reflected in my life, for better or worse.

That said when I did all that, I would have expected a reticence or good sense on the part of the woman I loved to know what boundaries were as far as "us" was concerned. If they figured they need a counselor I would have been looking to myself at first to see if there was something amiss and if I found little would have been looking at them to find something amiss. Cool of they were working on them for them, but if our relationship was in play TBH I would start asking questions. Then again if my partner wasnt acknowledging me as part of a relationship I could understand looking for answers else where. If I didn't just let them go on the back of that of course.

magneticimpulse

wordswords wrote: »

I know you already know emailing his contacts was a terrible thing to do. So Step 1 of recovery: you know you are NEVER going to do anything like that again (right?)

Try not to be too down on yourself - yes, you have messed up here, but it does take two people to break up a relationship, not just one.

You need to work on distraction. If you feel compelled to interfere with him and his life this way again, call a friend. Have this friend briefed before hand to let you call & talk it out with her whenever you need, and be honest with your friend about your problem. This compulsion is a serious thing, use the resources you have for help.

Sometimes we keep beating our heads against the same brick wall over and over but the message eventually gets through.

Now you have to do something really brave - delete him from your facebook asap. If he wants you he'll find you another way, and you don't need any more facebook headwreck. And remember, nobody can manipulate or bully someone else into wanting them. Its so much sweeter when you are just wanted. Think of this as a learning curve, you sound young, so be glad you've learned this lesson early.

well its good advice. im 29. the point is he blames me totally 100%. thats what really bothers me. i tried to explain that he had looked through my laptop and emails and he brushes over that...as if it was my fault too that he did that. he said all my previous ex's think im crazy too. i pointed out the fact that there are ex's on my facebook that are still my friends and still chatting to an ex daily.(nothing there, just hello how you?). he wont listen. i deleted him a long time ago from facebook. he copied all my friends list from my facebook. i knew he was doing it!! i know him so well, i knew on the phone he would tell me that!! the rules in facebook have changed this week and i didnt seem to know how to have my friends private again. im so stupid to contact his friends and ring him tonight as he just brings back memories that he is so blind to see that he did have a nice girlfriend. he cant blame me 100%. i wouldnt have acted in that way for no reason. i did dodge the bullet.

LegacyUser

Hi magneticimpulse.

I too did something incredibly stuipid with my now ex bf. I humiliated and hurt him infront of his friends. I know exactly how you feel, you have this love for this person that you feel like you are going to burst and the thought of not being with them literelly tears you to pieces. I have come to realize through the break up and like you through counselling this is not normal behaviour. My ex still loves me, still misses me but he cant be put through this anymore. I still ache for him. But i have to realize we are never going to work, i am never going to work until i get the proper help i need. Being honest i think you need some more counsilling or some sort of help, these feelings you have are not rational.
I do know how you feel, i feel i t every day for 3 moths since our break up, but get some more help please, for him, for you.

magneticimpulse

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I think I will go back to a session for counciling. The problem is, I come across as "normal" in every other aspect of my life. Its difficult, to make them see how serious a problem this is for me. However, I think the majority of the way i acted was in response to his behaviour. We were like magnetic poles. Put us the wrong way and we repel each other. He did not have the most subtle of attitude and was very harsh with me. I did need to be put in place, but I wasnt a child a the same time.

I was attention seeking from his friends, in that I got fed up being left hidden. He was telling them I was stalking him, changing his phone numbers,changing where he lived, putting comments on facebook that he did this and then on the other hand phoning me to meet up,go away on trips and sleeping with me. I was torn apart. It destroyed me, that he told his friends I was his crazy ex but continued to see me. So this week (not good idea) I emailed them photos, to prove that we had been seeing each other when he had told them I was his ex. I got fed up he had destroyed my name. I doubt that his behaviour is how majority of guys would act either.

I had relationships in the past that just fizzled out or the guy made a clean cut. This yo-yo relationship left me exhausted. But this week,has to be closure. Its time to move on! See that there must be hope and stability

Moomoo1

really m-i, you haven't done much wrong about the emailing. I might have well done the same in your shoes.

magneticimpulse

The most disturbing thing he said to me, was that if he stayed with me,

I would be like one of those stories where the mother kills her children.

It really horrified me, that this is where things came to. That anyone could even paint such a monster picture of me. My friends and family, have always known me as the nicest, caring, calm and quite person. I wouldnt have that close bond if I had ever any way hurt any of them. I really would love to have a family, but I would never do this if I ever thought I would bring them any harm. Ive never harmed children ever or ever dream to. I think its a situation, you most definitely run away from and hope that he doesnt try to destroy anything else. I just have to accept that I was strung along for so many months. Theres nothing I can do about that but run far away and start a new life, a fresh start.

I think for anyone out there, thinking of contacting an ex, dont do it! Ive really learnt my leason. I have had the complete shock of my life. I thought if I did the things he said, we could work out. Dont pine for someone either, because this is how nasty the picture the person who once told you, you were the one can switch around and turn on you. Just walk away. Move to the future.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Ok, went on ski holiday. My ex got the flu. He came back from work and took the week off. Just the night before he went back to work, he went out to pub with friends which I had never met before. I was annoyed that I did not know who these people were.

"I emailed work colleague/friend of his, saying ha he is off to the pub. Its well for some having a week's ski holiday and week off work sick"

After this our relationship was rocky. Then I tried to add his housemates to my facebook. Again not a good move. Some time passed by. I still hadnt met any of his friends. So I tried to add them again to facebook. Two accepted which was great. Finally a result. However looking through one of the photo albums I found a photo of him with his arms wrapped around a girl. I also found out that his best mate was dating one of his female friends. They were all out for a housemates leaving do....none of this my boyfriend had ever mentioned.


Anyway myself and my OH sorted this out. He explained it was just a friend. I made a complete show of myself. We still met up after this but he didnt tell his friends as he was so embarrassed I had contacted them. However with the long distance it did nothing for our trust. We took a break. I got professional help. However this week, I thought its all been a complete joke, that he would never seriously take me back. I emailed his friends to try to get in contact with him. Then I phoned him tonight. We spoke and basically all of the above he can never forgive me for.

Why did i ruin something which was going ok?? I loved him so much, how did it get so completely out of hand? How could i ever think it was ok to involve his friends in all of this?

Sorry if this seems harsh but if my girlfriend did that I'd run a mile.

That is just weird. He went out with some of his friends you didn't know so you emailed someone in his work and said he was spending his week off sick going out? Are you jealous that your boyfriend has friends that you don't or what?

You then went and tried to add his housemates who you have never met on facebook? Once again that is very odd. Why are you adding people you don't know


You saw a photo of him with his arms wrapped around a girl?? SO WHAT! I have a girlfriend and when posing for photos with other girls who are friends I will wrap arms etc. its more drunken than anything.

I lost it and emailed his friend to say what was going on? Who are all these people? Who is this girl? I also emailed the girl to say who are you and why are you loved up with my boyfriend in the photo!!

That is extremely weird and creepy. Don't do that again if I was your boyfriend I would get a restraining order. No joke.



It got out of hand due to your jealously, insecurity, paranoia and social ineptness. Sorry to be harsh but there the reasons. You are quite clearly very possessive in needing to meet all of your boyfriend's friends. You are a very jealous person in that you were bitter simply because he had friends you dont have, you are paranoid in that you cant trust your boyfriend and jump to ridiculous conclusions and socially inept in the sense that you add people you dont know and send them messeges (can you not see how weird that is?)

Cop on for next time, I'm not suprised he wont get back with you.

Also if you did all this recently and have finished professional help it might be time to go back, sorry if that sounds mean but its the truth.

Moomoo1

seriously m-i, that guy was just out to hurt you in that conversation, you shouldn't take anything he said seriously. I don't think you did all that much wrong anyway.

magneticimpulse

begort2 wrote: »

Sorry if this seems harsh but if my girlfriend did that I'd run a mile.

That is just weird. He went out with some of his friends you didn't know so you emailed someone in his work and said he was spending his week off sick going out? Are you jealous that your boyfriend has friends that you don't or what?

You then went and tried to add his housemates who you have never met on facebook? Once again that is very odd. Why are you adding people you don't know


You saw a photo of him with his arms wrapped around a girl?? SO WHAT! I have a girlfriend and when posing for photos with other girls who are friends I will wrap arms etc. its more drunken than anything.



That is extremely weird and creepy. Don't do that again if I was your boyfriend I would get a restraining order. No joke.



It got out of hand due to your jealously, insecurity, paranoia and social ineptness. Sorry to be harsh but there the reasons. You are quite clearly very possessive in needing to meet all of your boyfriend's friends. You are a very jealous person in that you were bitter simply because he had friends you dont have, you are paranoid in that you cant trust your boyfriend and jump to ridiculous conclusions and socially inept in the sense that you add people you dont know and send them messeges (can you not see how weird that is?)

Cop on for next time, I'm not suprised he wont get back with you.

Also if you did all this recently and have finished professional help it might be time to go back, sorry if that sounds mean but its the truth.

I do have friends. Ive plenty of friends and I always made sure I included him everytime I went out. If your going out with someone for over 8 months and they move into a new house, you should at least get to meet the people they are living with. But then for him to lie about it to his friends?? I mean thats equally not good behaviour. I agree I was out of order. He used to be so open and honest, but he completely changed. My life remained the same. He's the one that started living 2 lives. If he had a problem with what I did initially, I agree that he should have ended it and never speak to me again. But to carry the relationship on for a futher 6 months...do you no think he should have jumped ship earlier?? Made a clean break? I do. It got completely out of hand, because I loved him and wanted it to work. He continued for 6 months not introducing me to any of his friends. Whereas, he came to family wedding, was invited to friends wedding, ski holiday with friends, friends birthdays, work trips away...he must have met about 50 of my friends. Fair is fair and this situation was definitely not fair!!!

He moved to whole new city!! In this city he was acting as a free agent. His friends replies were that of bemusement, they said he was "single" for 10 months. Whereas this is not true. He should have been more truthful. Having two lives and treating people differently and saying horrible things about the person you love, shouting at them is not mature. He should have had the ability to dicuss things. He had a birthday and didnt bother to invite any of these friends from his new city! I told them this and I think his friends took it hard. Because they come across as very friendly open nice people. However for him not to even invite them out for his birthday drinks, because he didnt want anyone to find out I was there!! How am i suppose to react to that?? I took photos at his party, put them up on facebook and (he wasnt my friend), looked at my facebook and demanded me to take them down. After that he would not let me take anymore photos of him or he wouldnt discuss anything in his new city, in case his friends found out he was seeing me! For me nobody has ever treated me so badly. I did weird things put I was not going to be controled and treated like ****.

LegacyUser

Think one or two posts here have been totally harsh and advice given is not at all helpful.

What this girl is feeling and what she did (be it right or wrong) is real to her. Standing on the outside looking in, we have the benefit of been detached from the situation and can look at the situation with clarity. M-I recognises that how she handled the situation wasn't ideal, however it doesn't sound like the guy is a saint either in all this. Whats done is done, you can't change this past. What matters now is how MI moves on from this.

M-I, my advice to you is, take this as a hard learning lesson and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but be strong. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all do stupid things in the heat of the moment. Actions and things said by both parties involved have been quite destructive to the other. For your own sanity you need to completely remove yourself from this relationship. There is no harm hun in continuing with some sessions of conselling, it may help your understand the feelings and thoughts you have inside you, and also you may come to realise that this guy is not all you made him out to be. If you feel you are not getting benefit from current consellor, try another. Different profesionals have different approaches. But plz, do this for YOU and not for some guy or anyone else.

magneticimpulse

Moomoo1 wrote: »

seriously m-i, that guy was just out to hurt you in that conversation, you shouldn't take anything he said seriously. I don't think you did all that much wrong anyway.

thanks moomoo1

daisybelle2008

magneticimpulse wrote: »

For me nobody has ever treated me so badly. I did weird things put I was not going to be controled and treated like ****.

You see this is what I don't understand, you are acting like a bunny boiler (your own words) for someone you feel treats you very badly. Does that make sense to you.

You seem to be all over the place emotionally, one minute saying what you did was terrible and he is great, then the next implying it was no big deal, he kind of deserved for being an double life leading a-hole who treated you like a second class citizen. It really is messed up.

Also, the fact you only half heartedly did counselling with the sole purpose of winning back this guy is not good.

You really do not seem to value yourself in the context of a relationship. You should work on that and stay out of a relationship. You gave a good year to a fairly unsatisfactory relationship. Give some real effort into getting yourself emotionally health, the next relationship will be better as a result. You have to let go and move on before you get yourself in real trouble.

ellie1

I do have friends. Ive plenty of friends and I always made sure I included him everytime I went out. If your going out with someone for over 8 months and they move into a new house, you should at least get to meet the people they are living with. But then for him to lie about it to his friends?? I mean thats equally not good behaviour. I agree I was out of order. He used to be so open and honest, but he completely changed. My life remained the same.He's the one that started living 2 lives. If he had a problem with what I did initially, I agree that he should have ended it and never speak to me again. But to carry the relationship on for a futher 6 months...do you no think he should have jumped ship earlier?? Made a clean break? I do. It got completely out of hand, because I loved him and wanted it to work. He continued for 6 months not introducing me to any of his friends. Whereas, he came to family wedding, was invited to friends wedding, ski holiday with friends, friends birthdays, work trips away...he must have met about 50 of my friends. Fair is fair and this situation was definitely not fair!!!

He moved to whole new city!! In this city he was acting as a free agent. His friends replies were that of bemusement, they said he was "single" for 10 months. Whereas this is not true. He should have been more truthful. Having two lives and treating people differently and saying horrible things about the person you love, shouting at them is not mature. He should have had the ability to dicuss things. He had a birthday and didnt bother to invite any of these friends from his new city! I told them this and I think his friends took it hard. Because they come across as very friendly open nice people. However for him not to even invite them out for his birthday drinks, because he didnt want anyone to find out I was there!! How am i suppose to react to that?? I took photos at his party, put them up on facebook and (he wasnt my friend), looked at my facebook and demanded me to take them down. After that he would not let me take anymore photos of him or he wouldnt discuss anything in his new city, in case his friends found out he was seeing me! For me nobody has ever treated me so badly. I did weird things put I was not going to be controled and treated like ****.

Maybe he should have, he didnt.

You need to take responsibility for your behaviour, your choices and your decisions. Your behaviour was obsessive , controlling and wrong. Stop trying to change this man. Leave him alone. Do not ever contact him again.

You really need to face up to your own actions and get some more help. Your injured pride and the hurt and rejection you feel at the way he treated you is what you need to face.

Yes what you did was wrong but trying to justify your behaviour based on the way he treated you will only keep you stuck in this place. Except what you did as reaction to the way he treated you but own your own behaviour and dont try to blame him.

magneticimpulse

ellie1 wrote: »

Maybe he should have, he didnt.

You need to take responsibility for your behaviour, your choices and your decisions. Your behaviour was obsessive , controlling and wrong. Stop trying to change this man. Leave him alone. Do not ever contact him again.

You really need to face up to your own actions and get some more help. Your injured pride and the hurt and rejection you feel at the way he treated you is what you need to face.

Yes what you did was wrong but trying to justify your behaviour based on the way he treated you will only keep you stuck in this place. Except what you did as reaction to the way he treated you but own your own behaviour and dont try to blame him.

Thanks, this is very constructive. I just dont know how you can fix obsessive, controlling behaviour? Exactly, he is in the past. I want to change because i never want to treat anyone in this way again. What I dont know even after counciling I dont know how to get out of this obsessive type behaviour. Im not like this about anything else, work or my friend, thats why its been really difficult for me to see a solution to the problem.

ellie1

Thanks, this is very constructive. I just dont know how you can fix obsessive, controlling behaviour? Exactly, he is in the past. I want to change because i never want to treat anyone in this way again. What I dont know even after counciling I dont know how to get out of this obsessive type behaviour. Im not like this about anything else, work or my friend, thats why its been really difficult for me to see a solution to the problem.

He is not in the past quite clearly from your post.

You are hurt and rejected and often when we feel like this , we start to obsess because we cant face the feelings.

repeat: i feel so hurt and rejected. I am obsessed with a man who cannot/will not give me what i want. I am desperetly lonely and I am going to accept this feeling and all the feelings that come with it. And I am going to cry, stamp my feet and scream. I will recognise that I am human and that we all do silly things and I will forgive myself. I will take responsibility for my part in this relationship not working out. I will wallow in self pity for as long as it takes and will build my self esteem. I will learn great things about myself from this negative experience. I will take this learning with me and in the future I will be much more self aware.

Snowie

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Thanks, this is very constructive. I just dont know how you can fix obsessive, controlling behaviour? Exactly, he is in the past. I want to change because i never want to treat anyone in this way again. What I dont know even after counciling I dont know how to get out of this obsessive type behaviour. Im not like this about anything else, work or my friend, thats why its been really difficult for me to see a solution to the problem.

well maybe you should just walk away and save your own mental health!

LegacyUser

You mentioned that the relationship was good in some previous posts, if not this one but you were together only for 8 months but for 6 of those he was hiding you.

OP, he did not act like a good boyfriend but I have to question if he had reason to keep you hidden all that time. I am by my own and friends version normal too but with one ex I was a total lunatic as I suspected he was cheating but was never able to prove it... Some relationships are just toxic and this was one of them. Only you truly know if you have been like this in other relationships. As another poster said, you need min 1 year single to get your head straight and get into a place where you can be in a healthy relationship. Enjoy the time and work on your mental health and self esteem as this relationship has damaged both. Good luck

Peggypeg

Hey Sweetie,

He sounds like a real cold fish and very selfish, if he treated you like that I guarantee that he treats the next girl the same. His friends will cop on to this and they'll see the pattern and know that you weren't crazy and that his behavior with women is horrible. Knowing that people think, incorrectly, that you're crazy would drive anyone nuts:p I would have defended myself too in your situation.

But you definitely need to let this guy go, he won't make you happy and I doubt he'll make anyone happy. Sounds to me like you let yourself get deeply involved in someone who's extremely manipulative, you need to take back your dignity and self respect and completely expel him from your thoughts and life, easier said than done but you can do it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I too act very "normal" in every other aspect of my life. Through counselling and talking i came to realize that i have abandoment issues from my past and this came back to haunt me in this relationship, plus the fact i thought he was the perfect guy i put too much pressure on him to remain perfect. Everytime he did something i didnt like i would lash out and throw a tantrum. We have remained friends and he still is being great to me even after everything. Like i said before and you said, get some help, the feeling af anxiousness you get will slowly dissapear.

i wish you well, it feels like your writing my story!
we are good people just a bit whacky at times!

magneticimpulse

Thanks for the replies. Im glad there is light at the end of the tunnel and the possibility to not be this bunny boiler type person. My childhood was pretty good, but its only because my mother was abused in her childhood that I got extra care. I do have a negative image of men because of my mothers past. Despite having a good father figure. Also I was raped by a friend of a friend, and this is how I lost my virginity. Not a good way to start your experience with men in life. I was so ashamed, I never reported it. I do have so much pressure to find a nice guy!! From family and from myself. However I cannot justify my actions towards my ex based on this. It is unacceptable and I want to change. Coming on here on boards has been good. I've been able to be open about this in a non judgemental way. I think if I can accept I have a bunny boiler problem, and other people see that. I know I can start the road to recovery. Thanks.

Moomoo1

so does this mean that you've turned guys down because they didn't conform to yours or your family's expectation for 'being nice'?

magneticimpulse

Moomoo1 wrote: »

so does this mean that you've turned guys down because they didn't conform to yours or your family's expectation for 'being nice'?

Well I think I take to heart my families opinion on someone. However with my ex, they were happy enough at 1st. Ok he seemed a bit of a lad to them. But it was positive. Until I told them my ex got his GP to phone me up one day about a medical condition (i was seeing my own GP about this). I was rude to his GP and said, thanks for your concern, but my own GP is doing the necessary tests to find out what the problem is. My ex went to another GP, who gave him medication and my ex gave it to me to cure the condition I never had. I can see my ex did it in the best interest as I live in a foreign country, but its really taking away someones rights when you start giving them medicine and implying they are not capable of looking after themselves. He also looked through my laptop/emails/msn. An ex before him I chatted to on MSN, worked in same place as him and he didnt like that I was chatting to him. That got out of hand too. I told this to my family and after that, they thought it was crossing the line. However the roles became reverse. He became stronger and my confidence had fizzled out at this stage. This is when my "bunny boiler" incidence started kicking in. I wanted to love this person but really its such a messy head wreck story for both of us. Im very happy its all come to an end.

Moomoo1

I understand: I am just thinking that because of your high expectations (and that of your family) you set your sights very high and end up with a string of people who aren't really suitable...

magneticimpulse

ive decided to deactivate my facebook account entirely. its all to easy to email anyone connected to my ex on there without thinking of the consequences and to find out information,which is totally not right. i do not feel fit enough to use facebook at the moment and have decided, in order to use social pages like this in the future, i would need to continue with more professional help.