Another breakup story - where to now

LegacyUser

Hi all, I broke up with long term boyfriend (relationshop 10years) exactly one year ago, and to be honest the feelings of hurt and loss are still as raw as the day we broke up.

I just can't seem to get clarity in my head, and I still desperately miss my best friend. People say time is a healer....but I am so stuck in this that I can't seem to move myself on from things. Any advice on where I am goig worng on this...plz

A little background: We brokeup cos we were stuck in a rut, things fizzled out( I so deeply regret that I allowed this happen). I guess we were teenagers when we got together, and each changed overtime. However, I always knew I deeply loved him, he was truly my best friend. I never doubted he loved me. But last year I knew things just didn't appear right, the relationship had become boring, the spark was gone, he seemed unsettled and distant. So I wanted to discuss it, I brought it up....but the reponse I got was like a bolt of thunder. Longstory short, I asked him did he want to be with me and if he loved me...he said he didn't know! Completely devastated, I was willing to work harder, but after 10years if someone doubts they love you how can you continue (before anyone asks - I know for a fact no-one else was involved). We decided to take a break, followed by a complete breakup. I almost don't remember some of the days around that time...I think I went into shock. The day he moved from the house was the worst day of my life. It was like I was losing control and grip on my life as I knew it. i thought I was going to marry this guy.

In the past year, I've tried to do all the typical things people advise, we cut contact, kept myself busy and put up a good front. Though I was hurting like hell on the inside. Our paths crosed a handful of times over the year, we have a lot of mutual firends. Everytime I saw him, it was like opening up old wounds. We were always pleasant and polite to each other. I have so many questions for him, but never dared bring it up.

Last month, he emailed to let me know that he was finding things hard at home and was moving away, he got a job abroad, starting a new career. I cried my heart out. In a way I was grateful that he told me this himself instead of hearing it from friends. Before he left, he came see me out of the blue, I know this sounds silly, but my heart was breaking for him, he was just so confused heading away. Though I didn't dare talk about the breakup. He did tell me that he told me first about moving away, before telling family and friends. He asked me to meet him for drinks the night before he was to head off, but I wasn't up to to it. It was too hard. Mutual friends have told he that he struggled with the breakup nad that he was devastated..Why? Didnt he get out of a relationship that he didn't want to be in?

Anyway, here I am a year later. My head is still spinning, i guess I'll never get the answers to questions I have. I desperatley want to move on from this. I don't want it in my head every waking moment. Sorry for the long post.....but this is a way for me to get things off my chest. How do I move on from this?

Peggypeg

Big Big HUG sweetie, that is so hard. I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. It sounds to me (granted I'm not a councellor or anything) that you need closure about this and I think talking to him is the best way to get that. You are both on good terms, fair play to both of you, so it shouldn't be too hard to talk to him. I know the pain will flair up when you talk to him about it but maybe it will stop the questions spinning in your head if you get some answers.

I hope you find a way to move on and I wish that you find happiness again - BIG HUG.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP... you have my deepest sympathies, cos I know exactly how it feels.

4 months ago my relationship of 13 years (3 of them married) ended. Like you, we also met as teenagers, and I truly believed it was for life. She was my first and only love! Unfortunately, she grew to realize that it wasn't for life as far as she was concerned - the spark was gone, she wanted her independence, she felt she had changed, that our relationship had changed. There was no going back for her, despite a feeble attempt at counseling.

Also like you, I am full of regrets for how I handled the situation, and I have a list of unanswered questions, which I'll probably never get answers to.

I have ok days and not-so-ok days. Rarely have what you could call a "good" day. The fact that you are still in such pain a full year later doesn't fill me with much optimism!

I find great strength in some of my close friends and family. You need to surround yourself with people like that. And I've also been attending counselling on my own, which I guess I find helpful too.

But I'm dreading Xmas and all that goes with it... I keep telling myself that 2010 will bring fresh optimism... but it's hard to see it right now

LegacyUser

All thank you for your reponses and understanding. You brought tears to my eyes.

Yes he was my first boyfriend, so I don't know anything else. I have never really been single. I have tried to get out there and met one or two nice guys....but my heart really wasn't in it. It wasn't working for me, so I took a step back to try sort myself out. I also know its not fair on the other person while you have someone else in head.

In relation to contacting my Ex, I have done the letter thing, but never posted them! I'm not sure it would do any good and a big fear is it would set me back further - if thats possible! I think we've gone too far done the line. He simply didn't have the answers at the begining and he just felt that there was a different life out there for him. I'm not sure he would have the answers now, also he is in a diff country trying to find that new life. By contacting him, would I not just be letting him know that I am struggling with this, while he is moving on? There is the other part of me that just wants to blurt it all out, but I just couldn't take anymore pain and hear that rejection all over again.


Anonguyforthis, I'm sorry I not giving you much hope. But everyone is different and deals with things different ways. I'm sure it doesn't to be like this, if I only knew how. You sound like you are taking the right steps.

Thank u for reading my ramble

sporina

OP he probably has to find his own head - maybe he has things to sort out in his head? maybe he has aspirations he needs to fullfill? best move on hun - you sound pretty cool - there are more fish in the sea for sure - someone who is mature and not looking for something.. but love or what ever..

LegacyUser

wheretonow wrote: »

Anonguyforthis, I'm sorry I not giving you much hope. But everyone is different and deals with things different ways. I'm sure it doesn't to be like this, if I only knew how. You sound like you are taking the right steps.
Thank u for reading my ramble

No worries. I'm not sure if I am taking the right steps really. I put on a brave face most of the time, but I'm often in bits on the inside. I spent weeks in complete denial, believing or hoping she'd come back, but I'm past that now I guess. There's absolutely no chance. I also had a couple of brief encounters with other girls since, but like you my heart definitely wasn't in it. Also, since I'm still technically married, the no-contact thing is almost impossible until issues are sorted out. So at least you don't have that hassle! I totally understand the best-friend thing too. She was my best friend. Her extended family were also good friends of mine and I've lost them all! It really is worse than a death in my opinion.

We just have to believe that things will eventually get better. In your case it does sound like there is some hope for reconciliation, but I guess you need to be careful of getting hurt or letdown again, which would set you back to square one.