was he right?

snowy2008

i know ive put on some weight (about two stone) and i have started to do something about it and im going to the gym alot more this week (but its going to be a permanent thing coz i actually enjoy it) anyway, i asked my oh if he thought i had let myself go and he said i had but i should just try and get my body fat down coz it could lead to heart problems and diabeties, all of which run in my family, but then he went on a bit about it and im sure he just cares but it makes me think hes gone off me, like we only do it maybe once a week or every two weeks, i just feel really unattractive today, to be honest i dont really like sex anyway, i just rather cuddles and kisses etc and afrter what he said just makes me think he doesnt want to be with me that way when i look so bad (my words no his) any thoughts??

Barracudaincork

IMO he sounded like he was trying his best not to sound like a pr*ck and he was giving you valid reasons as to why your health should improve. I think the rest is in your head, now i dont mean that in a mean way, i just mean that its only you who thinks you are less attractive. He may of looked the way he did because he didnt know how to look, he would of been aware you would of been looking for signs and he desperately tried not to give any out. Dont read into the look to much.

Maybe the reason your sex life has dwindled is because he has become aware of the fact you dont like sex and he is trying to accommodate that fact by not seducing you as often as he used to.

Have you spoken to him re your sex life and how unattractive you feel right now?

Also OP fair play to you for going to the gym, i admire people like you, i cant stand the place myself!!!! Go you!!!

snowy2008

i know hes right and im annoyed at myself for letting myself go, but this year has been horrible, i lost both of my parents and have started hitting the bottle coz ive been so stressed from it and Its just to relax but ive stopped that now coz it just piles the weight on me and the answer to my sadness is not at the end of the bottle, i dont look that bad- well i think so anyway - but i just dont think he fancies me anymore but he says he loves me just the way i am..its like a total contradiction!

Barracudaincork

Ok for starters gaining 2 stone in weight due to boozing heavily after losing both parents is NOT letting yourself go, eating pizza for breakfast which slurping a 2lt bottle of cola in bed before you get up, is letting yourself go!

OP give yourself a break, you have had a **** year, you didnt really deal with it the way "society" says we should, by talking, loving and hugging trees etc etc you hit the bottle instead (something a think a high % of us would do), but you are dealing with it now, again fair play to you!!!

The only think that is contridicted here is your thoughts and his words. He says one thing and you think another, thats not hardly fair on your OH now is it? The issues of feeling unattractive are with you, not him, you have to believe him when he says he still loves you and finds you attractive.

snowy2008

your dead right, thanks a mill i actaully find the gym really relaxing so hopefully it will pay off, hope my master plan works now, fingers crossed

Barracudaincork

No need to cross those fingers, it will work!!!

dublingal80

hi op

firstly i am so so so sorry to hear about what you have been through this year.I honestly dont think i could cope with that. I lost my dad a few months ago and that was the hardest thing i have ever gone through, so i really cant understand how you must be feeling

i think your oh was just being honest with the situation in a tactful way. He wants you to be healthy and happy and to spend the rest of your lives together. I have put on weight since i met my oh, but its only because when i first met him i was too thin, i was sick and wasnt able to eat, so when i tell him i look huge with the many stones i have put on he tells me i look better now... so yeah ive put on weight but he tries to turn it into a positive

Well done you for starting at the gym! thats a great start. Would you consider joining weight watchers? I did at the start of this year and lost 10lbs in 4 weeks. Its mainly women that go, you can go to meetings that are just women and it really helps you to put into perspective exactly what u are eating and drinkin and how bad it really is. Its a good way to meet people too and you will leave it feeling so so positive.

Maybe you dont want to have sex with your oh that much because you are feeling so down about everything, and then with the drinkin and the weight gain, maybe you dont feel too attractive so you dont want to do anything.

I think your oh sounds very supportive. Keep up the gym, think about weight watchers and the weight will be gone in no time.

snowy2008

i just think hes gone off me since ive started to pile on the weight and doesnt fancy me anymore but when i asked him last night he says thats a stupid thing to think and he hasnt gone off me but i just think hes trying to spare my feelings, i know drinking doesnt agree with me, i polished off a bottle of wine and a few hot whiskeys the other night and i always feel down the next few days after drink and with the stress of the loss ive had, im crying in my office now hoping no one will see but in saying that, after i go to the gym, i feel great and my mood is way up, i just hope i havent completely turned him off but he can see that im trying, we've been together 6 years, is it normal not to have sex alot? like once a week max?

kayos

snowy2008 wrote: »

is it normal not to have sex alot? like once a week max?

There is no normal in that department.

As for hitting the booze and gaining a bit of wieght, after losing both parents I think your entitled to something like this happening. Same happened me when my mother died. About twice the amount you gained for only one of parent. So you did 'nt let yourself go you just had a little wobble.

As for you thinking he is only trying to protect your feelings and holding back how he really feels. Look there is a reason men hate being asked does my bum look big in this. We say No we are lying, we say yes we are cruel/mean etc.

snowy2008

so im right in thinking he doesnt fancy me anymore?

SarahSassy

snowy2008 wrote: »

so im right in thinking he doesnt fancy me anymore?

No one said that but I think you have this in your mind and it won't shift. The drink is lethal for skewing reality so try to cut back on it and that combined with the exercise may help with your mood.

Ss

ps sorry for your loss

Gyalist

OP, have you had any sort of counselling to deal with your bereavement?

Contrary to what previous posters have suggested, hitting the booze is not the way the deal with loss. In fact, because alcohol is a depressant it will make you feel worse afterwards. You have to learn to accept that it is normal and natural to feel down sometimes and that it is all part of the natural balance of life.

As you have discovered, exercise releases endorphins in your body and makes you feel much better after. Keep it up and it will be good for both your physical and mental health, and your self-esteem. Your weight loss should be all about you. It shouldn't matter what your partner or anyone else thinks - do it for the good of your health and self-image.

Danniboo

snowy2008 wrote: »

i know ive put on some weight (about two stone) and i have started to do something about it and im going to the gym alot more this week (but its going to be a permanent thing coz i actually enjoy it) anyway, i asked my oh if he thought i had let myself go and he said i had but i should just try and get my body fat down coz it could lead to heart problems and diabeties, all of which run in my family, but then he went on a bit about it and im sure he just cares but it makes me think hes gone off me, like we only do it maybe once a week or every two weeks, i just feel really unattractive today, to be honest i dont really like sex anyway, i just rather cuddles and kisses etc and afrter what he said just makes me think he doesnt want to be with me that way when i look so bad (my words no his) any thoughts??

I think you should count your lucky stars you have a bf that is aware of these issues and is assertive in being supportive and honest about this. I've gained a good bit weight myself and I am in the higher risk category for diabetes and heart disease. My bf doesn't really bother making the effort to support me with the healthy eating thing. He is always ordering take aways etc. fair enough will power and all that. But when you spend every day with someone and they are insisting on eating crap it's hard. He'll eat crap for breakfast(if he has any) and for his lunch and dinner. I always eat healthy brekkie and lunch it's the evenings when he goes shop and buys crap that tempation is there.

Munster_Gal

Hi OP
I'm sorry to hear about your loss but don't give yourself such a hard time. I think that your boyfriend is probably just trying to be supportive of you. There's plenty of reasons why he might not be jumping your bones at every given opportunity! He's probably just trying to respect your feelings. As you come through this terrible time in your life and start to get back to your old self and gain some more confidence from being in the gym, you'll probably start to want more in your sex life as well.
Feeling down in yourself and can result in other feelings and needs starting to lack as well.

Chin up.... Things can only get better from here

snowy2008

if i do dress up sexily, hes all interested for all of two seconds, i just think, if im to be honest, i just turn him off with the weight gain, i dont even look that bad but then again, hes so lovely but can make me feel useless sometimes, like yesterday i said id do the ironing and he said no i'll do it (he doesnt like the way i iron) and i said to him why not and he said its just coz i want you to relax, its like he says one thing and means anotherm im just really frustrated and stressed out, im seriously goign to go to the pub at lunchtime (joking!!!!) haha

dublingal80

i said id do the ironing and he said no i'll do it (he doesnt like the way i iron) and i said to him why not and he said its just coz i want you to relax

i honestly think you are reading way too much into everything. He seems lovely, wanting to iron so you can relax. Most girls would dream of someone like that. Do you think maybe you are pushing him away because you are afraid of losing him after losing your parents?

snowy2008

it just hurts so much not having them, dad was really sudden and mam was i''ll for a while,i just couldnt ever cope with losing him, l wouldnt want to keep on living, im just so down after all the crap thats happened this year, that and the weight gain, and im just knackered aswel, they let a load of people go from my job now i have to work through my lunch so i get no breaks, but the oh is treating me to a week in berlin after christmas so i can unwind, sorry im going on here, i just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to, on the up side a girl at work just dropped over a huge box of chocs for helping her out yesterday, awh

Danniboo

Awhh see you have people in your life who really care about and appreciate you, they're not doing it for the crack. Your OH sounds like he loves the ground you walk on, ironing, supporting you with your weight loss, trips to Berlin. If he isn't mad about you then i'll eat my hat.

SarahSassy

snowy2008 wrote: »

the oh is treating me to a week in berlin after christmas so i can unwind, sorry im going on here, i just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to, on the up side a girl at work just dropped over a huge box of chocs for helping her out yesterday, awh

Well you have us to talk to and to be listened to. You have had the year from hell but you are lucky with your bf. He is not making snide digs at you, he is loving and supporting and treating you well. He was honest when you asked him to be and that would make me have even more respect for him.

You have been through hell this year and you can see the effect the booze has on you so do try to cut it down / out. It wont help.

Nice of your colleague too.... Take one day at a time and if you need to rant then either PM me (Ill respon as soon as I am online) or post up here.

SS

PS fair play to you for going to the gym. I cant get my ass off the sofa these days.

snowy2008

im just having one of those days, maybe i do read too much into things, i just hard to convince sometimes

SarahSassy

snowy2008 wrote: »

im just having one of those days, maybe i do read too much into things, i just hard to convince sometimes

Its totally understandable.. Dont beat yourself up... Will you try to cut back on the booze?

Barracudaincork

snowy2008 wrote: »

im just having one of those days, maybe i do read too much into things, i just hard to convince sometimes

We have all been there, although in comparasion to your year, i really never had a right to be!

Your boyfriend sounds like someone you order online from perfectboyfriend.com, seriously believe him and what he says. Be good to yourself and be positive on how you perceive yourself, you have had a mighty sh*t year and in fairness coped way better than most people i know would of, including myself!

Now for the third time today..................FAIR PLAY TO YOU!!!!!!

dublingal80

op, you are doing amazing!! you really and truely are. U are so so strong -beyond words. I can understand what its like losing your dad suddenly. My dad was doing really well, had the big C, and then his leg was swollen, was brought into hosp, had different things done, all of a sudden he had a blood clot and we were told there was nothing more they could do and 3 days later he was gone. Losing one parent or even having 1 parent sick is sooo difficult but to have to go through losing two and then everything else on top of that is just awful

No one can expect you to feel perky all the time and just continue on as normal, of cours eyou are going to feel so so down and just not care about anything for a while. it wouldnt be natural if you didnt. Big deal you put on some weight.... you have been through the hardest thing anyone could ever go through. but the weight gain more than likely has you feeling tired. But you are already trying to rectify that by going to the gym, so that and eating better will have you full of energy in no time

And to have to be working so hard with no breaks im sure is the last thing you need, but maybe its good because its keeping you busy and occupied

your oh seems like an absolute dote, bringing you to berlin after christmas. He knows what you have been through, he knows the next few weeks are going to be awful for you and he wants to cheer you up. With his help and the help of your friends you will bounce back
x

snowy2008

im definatly going to cut back on the booze, yeah hes a great guy but sometimes i just let it all get on top of me and blame him for it (but i give off to him in my head not too him coz he is right most of the time and hes only trying to help) you've all been so nice, i feel much better x x x xx

dublingal80

its completely natural to blame the closest one to you. Dont forget, he knows what you are going through so he can completely understand if you are depressed or angry or sad.

Dont be so hard on yourself.