Too many Magpies!!!

magneticimpulse

Hi
Well Im figuring ive had my fair share of Magpie bad luck...i must have seen way too many because Im sure not everyone has had this much bad luck in Relationships.

In total I've had about 16 relationships (mix long/short term), around 5 cheated on me and the other 11 were not much better. Out of the 5 who cheated, it was either straight in front of my face or they completely lied about it and had to find out other ways. Im really trying to be optimistic, but I feel at this stage Im really really afraid to even enter into another relationship after all the bad luck ive had with them. Ive had no problems/issues in my life besides relationships. Came from a fantastic family and thats why I think at least one of the relationships should have worked ok. I've started to think is there something im doing wrong? But Im sure ive just really gone for a string of guys that were totally not suitable and complete womanisers.

Am I the only person in this boat, or is it quite common to have this much bad luck? I really hope it gets better for the sake of my sanity, because im down to about a milimeter level of trust with men and that doesnt help the situation.

lazygal

I was like you. Won't go into detail, but here is a synopsis!

Man 1: Went out for six months, thought everything was FANTASTIC until he dumped me by text the day after my birthday. Said he would meet up if I wanted to talk about it between 4pm and 5pm the next day!

Man 2: Went out for five months, thought WOW, so much better than man 1 until he said he wanted to take a break, slept with me anyway and dumped me over the phone because the spark was gone.

Like you, great family, no "issues" with my father, all my friends happily hooked up, got the "I don't know why a girl as pretty/smart/funny as you is still single" comments.

I met Mr. Lazygal at a party I MADE myself go to. I had decided I wasn't going to meet anyone moping at home so I went out every chance I got, even if I didn't feel like it. I am glad I held out for my current relationship because it is amazing when you find the right one. I know it sucks to be told stuff like "whats for you won't pass you" but the right person is out there, sometimes it just takes us a little longer to find them.

Trust me, you need to be a little more discerning and not put up with shoddy behaviour. As soon as you set your standards a little higher and decide what the dealbreakers are, everything falls into place.

That is my story anyway!

magneticimpulse

Thanks, this is the type of comments I need to hear. I have to know there is some hope as I really am at the last string before it snaps. I dont want to have a negative or bad attitude, even my last relationship I had the attitude of "oh yeah whatever" and I expected it to turn out bad. I wasnt wrong it went from completely fantastic, too good to be true to worse possible nightmare, OH sleeping around reality.

I also have the same comments (and from previous OH when we 1st met). The "oh your so pretty/smart/great, how come your single" comments.

Anyone else have similar situations? How did you finally overcome this?

G-Money

I've had similar comments OP. I knew a few girls who've often said to me or my friends "how come he is single?"

I'm on the opposite end of the scale though when it comes to the number of relationships so I don't know what's worse. Being through a multiple relationships and not being happy, or not really having had any relationships and not being happy.

I'm thinking about taking a page out of lazygal's book and starting to go out more. I've an awful habit of thinking about going to stuff but then as the time comes, talking myself out of it. I really should change that.

Let's hope 2010 is better for both of us.

magneticimpulse

Thanks for your reply Grandmaster. The majority of my relationships were blink and you miss it type.

I have the nicest of friends, and they have fantastic boyfriends. Im really the odd one out. My family got really excited when they saw my ex and I was happy to show him off to everyone. Im really open to people and extremely chatty and friendly but I have a knack of picking the completely wrong guys. I suppose its like a Tiger Woods scenario, looks like great guy and you never imagine he could do no wrong.

Im also scared to meet someone new, in case they ask my dating history?...that will be a huge white lie...yep perfectly great
Is it ok to just say you prefer not to talk about it?

ManOfMystery

How would you sum up the guys you dated with - are they all similar? Are you going for a particular 'type'? Similar age bracket? Meet them in bars or random locations?

Just seems like an incredible run of bad luck, I'm trying to see if there's a common denominator.

magneticimpulse

I would have a type, and that is someone who is natural, smiles alot and very chatty. The only problem is they can be too confident and come across as nice to many girls. I dont "look" in any particular place.

Four I worked with - Various from part time book shop to Pharma Company,
Others on a Scientific Conference, Rugby World Cup Party, through friends, at bars (in city and small villages), (guy who i met in bar was taken so he introduced me to his single cousin), internet online dating and even met 2 on a pilgrimage to Lourdes (not the same year). So I really looked everywhere!!! I thought the guy I met in Lourdes might have at least worked out, but again liked to sleep around. ;o(

Because of my studies, most have been chemists, quite a few military (they seem single as always going on missions and womanisers ive learnt), farmers, butchers (im vegetarian) and thats pretty much it. Maybe the chemistry guys clash because its the same. The military guys prob never settle down.

magneticimpulse

I suppose thats why I posted. I feel exhausted. I feel like I have turned over every rock. Avoided nasty insects but not found any butterflies.

I really feel like ive tried everything and dont know what else to do or where else to look?

james.xix

You’re not the only person in that boat; people will have that number of relationships or more, either long or short term. There’s nothing unusual about that.

It sounds like your relationships haven’t worked out for one reason or another. I don’t think it’s a reason to shy away from another relationship. You have to believe in yourself and that things will come right and go your way.

It can be hard to trust if you’ve been cheated on but you seem to be aware of the type that would and wouldn’t.

I’d agree with what lazygal had to say. There isn’t much I could really add to that and she’s more in touch with your woman’s perspective.

Best thing is to go out at every chance. You will meet someone. Don’t as she say put up with shoddy behaviour and set your standards as you feel right and things do fall into place.

Good luck to you!

metaoblivia

You've just got to keep trying and not give into bitterness or cynicism. For some people, finding the right person is easy, but for a lot of people, it's damn hard. I would tell you to not make finding a partner such a big deal. I know that's easier said than done, but here's my reasoning:

There's no guarantee that you'll find someone. Now, you probably will. But there's no formula or bit of advice that anyone can give you that can help you to land a cracking relationship. The best you can do is learn from your past relationships, and if you notice negative patterns, try to sort out what's causing them and fix it.

Other than that, you can do everything right and still be single for a while. So learn to enjoy that. If you see yourself as incomplete because you're not coupled, stop thinking that way. Start seeing yourself as someone who's complete all on their own, and do your best to cultivate a positive attitude about your current situation. And if you do this, you'll begin to notice that you're becoming more discerning about the kind of people you seek out as partners, as per lazygal's advice.

Remember, you can't control other people, you can only control yourself. So focus on that and don't lose the faith!

Wibbs

A lot out there, men and women feel similar. Hell I feel similar myself sometimes only not as proactively More a Meh vibe.

I will say this though, I have also known similar who felt like this and then ended up with good people. Sometimes more than one too(not at the same time mind ). One mate of mine had all but given up after a succession of men who were muppets weirdos and freaks.

Now in most cases I would be of the opinion people consciously or subconsciously make these subtle choices that turn out to be either good or bad for them. If there's a pattern in your relationship life, the common denominator is yourself. Looking back on a phase of women I went out with who were complete loopers and hand on heart I reckon I was picking them out. It can be hard to stop too as they're the ones you happen to find attractive personality wise. I solved this easy enough by going shallow and going straight for looks.

Joking aside there is usually a pattern. I have also noticed that some people just rub each other up the wrong way. I would have exes who would tell you I was a really sound guy and others who would say I was a gobshíte. The fact is I can be both, but with the latter I acted more like an eejit because they tended to bring that stuff out in me. So again look to who you are, what you may do to cause friction or problems. You may find that you didnt and these guys were just eejits, but equally it's very very rarely 100% just on one side.

EG I've a mate who drives girlfriends away. He's bloody extreme though. He is very possesive and then wonders why they leave or cheat(mostly leave). I'd say 1) he's picking the type that will leave as he thinks women are untrustworthy and will leave and he like many people would rather be "right" than happy, he sets this up to fail deep down. 2) he further picks and picks at the relationship to the point where they leave or cop off with another guy. Hell I've never cheated on a woman in my life, but if I had a girlfriend that acted the way he did, I might.

In any case this does NOT mean you're at fault or any of that guff. You probably arent(though all of us have a screw loose somewhere ), I just mean look to yourself first and see where you can improve you as a person for You. the rest tends to follow, including meeting the right people for you.

Wibbs

metaoblivia wrote: »

Remember, you can't control other people, you can only control yourself. So focus on that and don't lose the faith!

Actually save yourself reading my guff, basically what she said.

magneticimpulse

Thanks james.xix, metaoblivia and Wibbs
Its nice because ive seen your comments the past few days and i was in a bit of a mood (because of this issue and PMT). Wibbs its really good comment. Its the first time ive really looked at myself. My previous 2 long term relationships, they had girlfriends for 5 years, 3 years (both of them) and lived with them. I figured if I didnt even get to that stage how did they manage?

It must have alot to do with me. But then the two of them were not so physically attractive initially. I suppose I dated them because they really seemed into me. The more recent one, I grew to find him attractive and fell head over heels. However the 2 of them had something in common, their fathers left the family unit. The 2nd guy, he still see's his father, so he came across as much more stable. They both seemed to carry some low opinion of their mother. Of course they loved their mother, but both seemed to blame her for the break up. They also had previous ex's who were on anti depressents. Lets say that they really brought out the worse in me. They pointed out when I did bad things, or always thought i would cheat (i never did, but i think their ex's cheated on both of them)

Like what you said Wibbs!! I can relate to that. I just hope to find someone who brings the best out of me, in which I am calm, not over posessive or clingy. I begin with an open mind but then I find out something i dont agree with...it is then kept a secret, cannabis addiction, cheating etc. This has now decreased my level of trust...as they hid these very very well.

The other guys, the relationships (short term) never really took off. I found there was nothing I could see obvious was the problem.Accept crazy situations, From one guy telling me to check out a S&M website and what i thought of the girl he was shagging on there (we were meant to be dating, he asked if i liked watersport) to a guy with multiple girlfriends...i just think i could write a book at this stage.

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

However the 2 of them had something in common, their fathers left the family unit. The 2nd guy, he still see's his father, so he came across as much more stable. They both seemed to carry some low opinion of their mother. Of course they loved their mother, but both seemed to blame her for the break up. They also had previous ex's who were on anti depressents. Lets say that they really brought out the worse in me. They pointed out when I did bad things, or always thought i would cheat (i never did, but i think their ex's cheated on both of them)

I dunno. OK this is my mad theory and I'm sure psychologists will be along in the fullness to say Hah!:) I would say IME that men very broadly fall into three camps. Men who put women on pedestals(which can bring it own issues), men who dislike women and men who see women as fellow human beings and fellow travelers on life's path(the rarer of the three I'd say).

I have noted that the men who actually dislike women and act accordingly(though usually claim to love women. Though mostly because they have sexual needs) fall into three camps. the first is that the Mammy tm is held as an ideal in the back of their heads and no woman can fit that ideal of feminine love. Or not for long anyway. Those guys tend to not be very sexual and after a while switch from pedestal to emotional distance. The other type has had bad experiences of women and then they then paint all women with the same brush. Then there's the guy who figures his Mammy tm has feet of clay early on, so finding this out freaks them out and again can treat women quite dismissively. Maybe as some weird payback? The last type are usually lifelong players.

Maybe some of the men you've dealt with are among that number? as I say this has just been my limited enough experience.

Some say you can judge a man by how he treats his mother. I would agree, but with some changes. The best man I would say is one who realises his mother is a human being like any other, with wonderful traits as well as foibles but still loves her after he has realised that.

Then there is you. Do you find yourself naturally inclined to suspicion? Are you looking for someone to "save" you. Bringing out the best in you can sometimes be a cover for that too. Now of course other people do bring out the best in us, but that potential best has to be there in the first place too. ah you know what I mean.

My very rambling 2 cents anyway.

magneticimpulse

Well I think behaviour in adult relationships stem from childhood.

Well my mam came from a typical very large irish catholic family (15 kids) and my grandfather was sexually abusive to them and alcoholic. My auntie got into bad trouble and married an physically abusive man (commited suicide over it). For these reasons my mam was very lucky in that my dad was great and very nice and she wanted us to have a nice family. She worked hard...prob too hard at it. So now I am aware of these crappy men and try to avoid them. I take absolutely no crap (can get aggressive with the over dominating man, who puts women down). I have the benefit that the current generation in my family are normal, however i have this fear that men can be bad, especially after what my grandfather did to my mother.

Im very independent and would love to meet a guy similar. However due to what has been brought down from my mam...i feel like I want to "help" people when they might not need help. Maybe I could be the "mammy" type. So at the moment im going for guys who want mammy's, but really i want the 3rd type of guy you mentioned. Strong, independent and nice. When I say I want some who brings out the best in me...i dont want to go for the men who i think need help (this makes me look controlling), i want to the men who dont need my help but who can still bring out the best in me to grow as a person.

I know in my head the psychology behind it (i think). But still find myself in these really crappy relationships and think I deserve better.